To want my husband to lose some weight …

[Kay286]

My husband is overweight , it’s crept on gradually starting during lockdown and is a fair few stone (3-4) overweight.
He’s tall so can carry it ok. I completely love him to bits and am totally attracted to him it does not affect our sex life at all.
He carry it all around his belly and chest and recently at the drs was told his cholesterol is elevated (he’s under 40 )
I know it bothers him also, he won’t swim with our kids on holidays etc and he won’t feel comfortable taking his top off (we don’t speak about this but I know this is the reason)
I’ve tried to support him in the past by not buying too much snack things in and cook healthy meals etc . He bought an exercise bike but that now sits gathering dust.
He has a gym membership and when he goes I’m encouraging. But he will go for 2 weeks then stop.
Ive helped him with calorie counting and how I maintain my weight (I’m under 9 stone and I’m pretty sure he weighs over double what I do but I’m short and he is tall!) but it’s only lasts a week or 2.
Im pretty sure he eats (sneaks ?) food. Recently I found a whole packet of after eights gone from Xmas that were unopened - in one sitting ? I know it wasnt me or the kids . Sweeties and crisps are his downfall.
he recently got invited to a formal event last minute but couldn’t attend as his trousers didn’t fit , every time he’s had an event he has to go buy bigger clothes. He was visably upset they were too small again.
sometimes when he is sitting on the sofa his belly hangs out which isn’t nice to look at 🙈
I just don’t know how to help him… is he just going to continue getting bigger and bigger ?
Am I being awful ? Maybe - like I say I am attracted to him but obviously I would prefer him to lose a few stone and I know he would too ! I have tried talking to him but he is VERY sensitive about it … obviously because he knows he is overweight! So can I do nothing and just have to wait until he does it for himself ??

If you find out - let me know! I have exactly the same problem.

I think probably a bit worse because I no longer fancy him and sex is frankly unbearably uncomfortable because he is so big now. Both of those things I can't say because he will be so upset he will comfort eat.

I'm so worried about his health and I just have no idea what to do.

I can't do a "let's do it together" situation because it's not true - I don't need to loose weight. I've suggested helping in whatever capacity I can and it has made not the blindest but of difference. I'm not sure what needs to change but it's just killing our marriage.

I know they're not all that popular on MN but maybe something like Weight Watchers or Slimming World might help. The men I've seen in those groups tend to do very well and have said they enjoy having rules to follow. I'm sure you could go with him if you're so inclined.

That’s so tough isn’t it if it’s actually affecting your marriage so much :( thankfully I am not there yet. It’s just so frustrating because I know it and he knows it and I’m know it’s bothering him so it’s like just lose it then and tell me how and I’ll help in whatever way I can - but it doesn’t last ! The health is also a concern espec the raised cholesterol- I was hoping the dr would have a stern talk about being healthy and apparently all he said was just moderate a bit !
Then he proceeded to eat , full English , dolly mixutures , millionaire shortbread 🤦‍♀️

Have you told him that you find it unattractive and it's putting you off him?

I think you should tell him. I would fully expect my husband to tell me if I was getting too fat for his liking too.

Sorry I just realise you said it's not putting you off him.

No I could never be that blunt and hurtful. Besides it’s not really true. I love him so much it doesn’t affect my attraction to him.

My DH is obsessed with collecting data, be it fit-bit or peloton.

is that something you could buy ?

It's so hard. My husband is disciplined in many areas but not this one. He does a lot of the cooking but he stuffsvbread with lashings of butter while doing so. He likes his wines too.
It just looks horrible and unhealthy to see his shirts bulging and he isn't embarrassed to now be XXL. He just says some men weren't born to be slim and there's no point.
I'm glad you raised this but what can we do?

so it’s like just lose it then and tell me how and I’ll help in whatever way I can - but it doesn’t last

Because this is not how it works. You can't do it for him, no matter how much you jump up and down, unfortunately.

I have this problem too. What is the answer?
I can’t tell him it makes him unattractive - I’d be devastated if he said that to me because I’d put a bit of weight on and I love him for far, far more than just his looks (although truthfully, he is more handsome when he’s slimmer). It’s going to kill him early and I don’t want to be on my own for ages. He knows it too, but it needs to come from him to do it, not me.

I think stay neutral. When asking him what foods he wants in don't show judgement of any choices, when exercise is discussed don't put a value judgement on it. But do take an interest in him, what's important to him in his life and look to be a good cheerleader for his self esteem. When we feel bad we eat bad and don't take good care. When he's ready to act he will.

You may find he has his own tipping point OP. I realise this isn't very helpful but I was in the exact same situation, suddenly dp joined the gym, packed in the endless chocolate and sweets and now he has lost 3 stone and looks better than he ever has.
The trigger for mine was trying on a shirt he has worn, and fitted the year previous and it just would not go on.
There had been many tops and trousers before this, but for some reason that was The Day.

My biggest advice would be to just not buy that stuff, not even for the kids, as no one really needs it sitting in the cupboard

We bought something similar to a peloton during lockdown - he did it for a while lost a little but it didn’t last!

@Kay286 so did mine - it has not made any difference. Also loves stats and data and is very competitive. Even a personal trainer has not made any difference.

It's like he has fingers stuck in his ears about his diet. He just eats so much and it's the secret eating that is the final bloody straw.

@Dacadactyl do you honestly think a marriage would survive that? It's a pretty nuclear move.

@Nottodaysausage the problem is that he does the bloody shopping 🤦

Yes he loves his bread and butter too ! Sometimes I’m like (in my head, really do you need another slice it’s nearly the whole loaf gone ) mine is probably xl - sometimes he wears a t shirt that too small and tight and I don’t have the heart to tell him maybe you should change shirts.

It's hard because he really has to want to do it for himself. If he feels like someone else is pushing him into it, it isn't going to motivate him - he'll just dig his heels in. Weight loss is incrediby difficult to start, just like going to the gym regularly. It's like standing right at the bottom of a mountain and looking up at the top.

Weight loss is best if done gradually. Keep snacks out of the house as much as you can and cook smaller portions for him. Eating less of the same things is what'll have the best impact over time. Even if he does 15-20 minutes on the exercise bike a few times a week it'll help with cardio/metabolism, but weight is lost in the kitchen rather than in the gym. We do meal kits and it's helped a lot with portion control.

He also has to try to break the habits that lead to him snacking. If he's hell-bent on snacking, he can try swapping the crisps/chocoloate for an apple or carrot sticks etc. If he's sneaking snacks and trying to hide it then he's obviously ashamed of his weight, so IMO he just needs a kick-start into realising that he can make a difference by changing a couple of small things. Crash diets don't work and make you miserable.

I lost 55lbs last year by basically doing these things and feel way better. I also pretty much bought a whole new wardrobe which was a nice reward - I look so much better than I used to. Once you see a little weight loss without too much effort it becomes much easier to keep going with it.

In my husband's case he just keeps gaining. He's morbidly obese, it affects his life very badly, but he can't seem to regulate his eating.
I love him to bits, but our sex life is awful, logistically and because he's on meds that cause problems.
I recognise the panic from not having anything that fits for a last minute event, it's worse in our case as nothing in the shops will fit him.

We did have brief breakthrough, his heart specialist got through to him, and then gave him such ridiculous dietary advice that he couldn't stick to it...Go entirely plant based for a start, it was never going to happen.

@theGooHasGone agree ! I think it’s definitely the snacking ! I find so many hidden wrappers in his pockets (when doing the washing) bags , office desk etc. its tricky because he really does not like fruit of any sort.
he wouldnt eat raw carrots either but he doesn’t mind a nice salad.
I think 🤔 need to just get more salad stuff in and less snack stuff I guess.
I think deep down I know he has to make the decision to do it on his own I just really wish it was sooner rather than later. He has done it before about 10 years ago he lost 3 stone he was really into cycling and was cycling 20 miles at a time ! In fact if anything he looked too slim for his height 🙈 just hoping he can do it again.

Go entirely plant based for a start, it was never going to happen...

Maybe not, but don't see many fat vegetarians (or vegans).

@ByTheGrace that sounds so tough espec when it’s causing a serious medical concern.
I actually think that would prompt my husband into action - although I wouldn’t want it to come to that!
he recently had bloods done and gp asked him to come in he was really worried he had diabetes or something ! Then gp just said cholesterol mildly elevated and just moderate a bit so he was oh it’s not that bad then.

@duc748 my husbands sister is vegetarian and she is also very overweight! A lot of the food is still processed rubbish.

This is a very difficult situation to help.. being such a sensitive yet important subject.
I've had personal experiences with this too.we both wanted to loose weight, so joined slimming world together, which was extremely successful- until we moved away and had to find new friends and new groups. This was the downfall ... gradually the weight crept back on, especially during the lockdown months.
I love my DH no matter what size... but if I'm honest.... yeah, everything is much better when he looks great, feels great, and has that twinkle In his eye knowing he's fitter and healthy.... and vice versa.

It's because I love him that I can't ignore his health.
His family have a history of diabetes/ heart disease... so I use that as a great reminder to make sure he avoids those issues.
I sit down with him and say truthfully ( but tactfully) say That I'm worried about him, his health etc. and that it's a good idea to get back on track . I always tell him he's loved.. and supported, but I want to love him for longer.. which is why it's important to be as fit as possible, and I'd want him to be the same with me .
In the long run a serious talk from a loved one should have the right affect if it's done kindly and taken in te right context.

I don’t think you need to say anything because he knows he is overweight.
It’s not like he’s in denial.

I would say about his cholesterol though and how he should be eating healthier and using the bike more.

Maybe randomly ‘find’ an old photo of him when he was doing his cycling last time and it may inspire him to go back to that.

I'm.an on/off vegetarian, have done my time as a vegan and even as someone who leans towards this lifestyle, to go totally plant based is difficult. DH struggled horribly with the whole thing, had a terrible upset stomach and was starving. He just needs to stop eating 5 slices of toast dripping with butter etc (and vegan spread is just as fattening!). Totally plant based was setting him up to fail.

Plus a lot of vegan food is just processed rubbish. I know 3 vegans, two are overweight (and I put on weight in my vegan phase), the other is very slim, but restricts her intake hugely.

The remark about some men not being made to be slim is a bit telling @Kay286 . Women feel a lot more social pressure to lose weight than men because we're supposed to stay attractive for them ( or so we're told) but men do have this idea that women will love them for them and their size is irrelevant. It's probably never twigged with him that you might be turned off by his weight especially since you obviously care for him and can't bring yourself to be ukind by saying anything.
If you really can't find a way to say "You're getting too big, you need to slim down a bit" then I don't think you can make any progress. Could you find some old photos and point out gently how slim and fancible he used to be?