To want my husband to lose some weight …

[Kay286]

My husband is overweight , it’s crept on gradually starting during lockdown and is a fair few stone (3-4) overweight.
He’s tall so can carry it ok. I completely love him to bits and am totally attracted to him it does not affect our sex life at all.
He carry it all around his belly and chest and recently at the drs was told his cholesterol is elevated (he’s under 40 )
I know it bothers him also, he won’t swim with our kids on holidays etc and he won’t feel comfortable taking his top off (we don’t speak about this but I know this is the reason)
I’ve tried to support him in the past by not buying too much snack things in and cook healthy meals etc . He bought an exercise bike but that now sits gathering dust.
He has a gym membership and when he goes I’m encouraging. But he will go for 2 weeks then stop.
Ive helped him with calorie counting and how I maintain my weight (I’m under 9 stone and I’m pretty sure he weighs over double what I do but I’m short and he is tall!) but it’s only lasts a week or 2.
Im pretty sure he eats (sneaks ?) food. Recently I found a whole packet of after eights gone from Xmas that were unopened - in one sitting ? I know it wasnt me or the kids . Sweeties and crisps are his downfall.
he recently got invited to a formal event last minute but couldn’t attend as his trousers didn’t fit , every time he’s had an event he has to go buy bigger clothes. He was visably upset they were too small again.
sometimes when he is sitting on the sofa his belly hangs out which isn’t nice to look at 🙈
I just don’t know how to help him… is he just going to continue getting bigger and bigger ?
Am I being awful ? Maybe - like I say I am attracted to him but obviously I would prefer him to lose a few stone and I know he would too ! I have tried talking to him but he is VERY sensitive about it … obviously because he knows he is overweight! So can I do nothing and just have to wait until he does it for himself ??

Tell him this then. Wait until he next suggests a takeaway or asks for extra bacon in his full English and tell him you're worred about his health. High cholesterol under 40 is a huge marker for heart disease/heart attacks in men and you're scared because he is the love of your life. You love him too much to lose him and want him to be healthy so you have many many more years together.

It's obvious to this stranger in the internet how much you love him, it will be obvious to him too so as long as it comes across as concern for his health it shouldn't hurt him.

@Daleksatemyshed Yes that’s what I’m thinking too ! I’m actually like how can he not be losing weight ! I generally cook dinner which are around 500/600 calories mark. Sometimes he doesn’t have breakfast and will have a cheese or sausage sandwich and a nutrigrain etc for lunch (not healthy but again combined not huge calories for a day. ) with his weight he probably is around 2500/3000 to maintain so I’m guessing there might be a lot of snacking I don’t see.
at the same time I also see on weekends eating a lots of treats, sweets , crisps , bread and butter , junk which he is not hiding !
Then he is getting upset he trousers don’t fit …

OH has never been slim but he's well built and muscular. He became very ill and had a lot of dietary issues. While he was ill and recovering he put on a lot of weight (lots). He'll never get better but his diet is better. He goes to SW and had lost 5st so far. He does sometimes put on again because he falls off the wagon so to speak. Diets work but when you stop the weight goes on so it needs to be a lifestyle change. He's accepted that every now and then he'll put on again as he likes pies etc (big downfall is bread, he'd live on bacon rolls and sandwiches). If he does have a break he just draws a line under it and starts again.

Only your husband can lose the weight, you can be supportive but it's down to him.

What did OH find helpful, not buying biscuits, crisps etc (for a while we did click and collect so simply didn't put things in the basket). Keeping a note of what you'd eaten (and being honest about it) it was an eye opener (even for me) of all the little bits and pieces that find their way into your mouth.
He actually enjoys cooking so he cooks lots of healthy meals, downside is he doesn't bake any more unless the gc are coming.

We're also a lot more sedentary than we should be which doesn't help.

If you're younger have a look at the couch to 5k program (think that's what it is), several of the SW people have done this to upbtheir exercise.

In the end its really down to him and it'll only work if he takes it on ads a change in lifestyle (which is basically what you had during lockdown that caused the issue).

@Natty13 Awww the last part you wrote is lovely thank you and so true :) the losing weight is really I want him to be healthy and be around with him for a long time ! It’s not making me love or attracted to him any less it’s not for vain reasons (although yes he looks better a bit lighter ) but also because I know it’s making him unhappy too :(

thank you , yes I think I really need to focus on the health side and it is worrying at this young age for raised cholesterol I will try to address this with him.

You're absolutely right, of course, and I realise that I was only able to lose all the weight I have in the past year because I was finally happy with my situation and in a place where it was easier for me to do.

With that said, different people are motivated by different things and while all this guy's needs are still being met, the idea of it actually being a problem is less likely to sink in. I guess I wonder whether he'd be as tolerant if OP had put on 3-4 stone is all.

The rice, pasta, bread and sugar habit I had was off the chart. I had to go keto to kick it, and low carb to stay off it. Dh and I did it together as he's the cook and it was his idea in the first place.
Intermittent fasting worked for a couple of colleagues.
If he finds his triggers he'll find it easier to find the options that work for him. It does sound like he's a bit low, if he's not keen on groups, online support forums can be a great source of info, help and advice.

Have you even checked to see what his BMI is? I appreciate BMI can be controversial but it is a way to benchmark the current status.

@flabbygoldfish yes I checked it today 🙈 he’s around 6ft 4 and 18st 10 well that’s what I think it’s around from the last time he would tell me - which is a bmi of around 32.

Not RTFT but wanted to say - in situations like this, the most effective thing to overcome the awful, endless sense of hunger, is to do intermittent fasting (16:8).

It’s something you can try together, it has many benefits (incl high energy and mental clarity).

Men have it way easier than women in losing weight - he can eat every day a hearty brunch of eggs, bacon and salad stuff (I like tomatoes and olives to bulk up the meal), snack on Greek yogurt, nuts, a can of tuna, eat a steak, chips and veg dinner, and still shed the weight.
Drinking only water, tea and coffee though.

I think everyone on this thread recognises it's because you care K286, and that's where the conversation with your husband has to start. I'm going to try coming from that angle in a proper chat.

Wherever the line is, pretending your partner's weight has crossed the disgust threshold & withholding sex you would rather be having is the wrong side of it.

OP - YANBU to wish your partner would eat better, exercise better, and lose the gut... but you can only support a choice he's already made to address it, there's no way to provoke him into it IMHO... and I've been in his position.

Hi op, I’m your DH in this situation. I was always slim until a life event triggered a change in thought process and since then I have struggled to lose/keep my weight down, even though I know why i gained and what I need to do to lose.

Eating is very much a social thing and a comfort. So his stressful job won’t be helping, nor will any direct home truths. It is a continual battle (and it really does feel like a battle) so trying to maintain a long term positive outlook is key.

Here’s what helps:

A goal, something fun to look forward to (holiday) etc. very motivating.

Another goal which helps others, like taking part in a physical charity event. My weight gain was after my daughter died (I lost a crazy amount of weight because I just couldn’t eat with the grief, lots of people commented on how ‘lucky I was’ to be so thin, and in my mind I equated weight with keeping your children, silly I know). So, taking part in an even which raises money for a child loss charity means I’m motivated to move by doing good.

Visible progress (1/2 weekly weigh ins, tape measurements) with lots of mini celebrations of successes along the way. 1/2 stones, stones, percentages of loss etc.

Counselling, CBT something to help him work through his emotional connection to food and also make him more aware of his triggers for going getting a snack.

Non-food/drink related social events/activities together. Bowling instead of a meal out etc. Ice skating instead of Costa. Fun does not have to equal food.

Finally, accountability. Would be be up for an honest log of his calorific intake so that he can see the impact of what he is eating. Unless I do that, the energy value of the food just seems to disappear from my psyche. It is like they don’t have any connection at all.

Good luck, to him and you. I see the frustrations from both sides. Having previously been a steady size 8 for most of my life, I didn’t fully grasp the emotional difficulty of weight loss. I definitely was of the opinion it should be easy enough to to do, so why don’t they just… He is your husband and you are naturally worried. I hope it works out for you both.

get him lipo or lipo alternatives.

I would just tell him. It won’t be a fun conversation but you can say that you are worried about his health, you’ve noticed the weight gain and how unhappy it makes him when clothes don’t fit. It’s easier to tackle it now than a few years down the line when unhealthy habits have become more ingrained. I think with weight gain there is often a sense of denial and unfortunately an incredibly supportive partner (i.e one that is not honest) can sometimes have the opposite effect.

Well I did it ! I had the conversation! Basically it was keeping me awake at night worrying about his health … so during the night I decided to write it all down how I was worrying about him his weight and cholesterol, and I did it in a gentle but honest way and that it was coming from a place of love .. and I’d do anything to support him.
The next morning he could tell I’d been awake all night and asked what was wrong so that said I’d wrote him something and gave it to him (Really panic he was going to be angry/hurt) He read it and hugged me :) He says it’s nothing he doesn’t know and he really does want to lose weight too and he will really try (I think laying out of my feelings may at least spur him on?)
I feel so relieved at least getting it off my chest and letting him know how I feel !
I know I cannot make him do anything but I at least hope this will help him :)

You sound lovely OP. I hope he makes some positive changes. Good luck x

I found the secret was to find something he enjoys. My partner sounds identical to yours in every way. The dissapointed look when the suit has had 1 wear and it is too small again. We bought a treadmill and it gathered dust for a couple of months until we sold it. We tried swimming and it lasted a couple of visits. We tried lots of things and they all filtered out without hardly any commitment.

Then we decided to invest in some weight lifting equipment and built a basic gym at home. He goes in there every other day. He has music on blaring, works out and comes in tired and refreshed. He gets advice from a PT friend to keep him on the right track but he genuinely loves going and doing a workout now. I take care of healthy eating and he says that because he has put the effort in our garage gym, he doesnt actually feel hungry after so doesnt 'graze' on snacks anymore.

Its been expensive to keep up with his addiction for purchasing more and more gym gear but he has lost 13kg in 6 months and is so much more toned now with muscle. I can even feel his ribs now.

My husband is the type that gains weight very quickly (around his belly, like yours). He's freakishly strong and fit (can climb up the tree without problems 😂), but very lazy about workouts. My husband felt like having cold shower after I got pregnant. He knows he needs to be healthy now and is losing weight. Wishing yours good luck on this journey. You are amazing support and I appreciate you go against the MN grain and don't think that telling your husband he's putting you off is good idea. It's very hurtful and no one would like to hear it.

@Dacadactyl Thank you ! I hope so too :)

@Tessasanderson Yes he used to cycle and that was his thing he was really fit ! We moved continents and have pretty extreme weather (super hot summers) freezing cold winters with tons of snow so it just isn’t suitable for cycling - and then covid locked up for months he has just lost his way. I will
suggest gym equipment at home as he has a gym membership but finds if difficult to get motivated going early or after a long day at work .

@xogossipgirlxo Thank you ! I hope yours does well too. Yes I could never have told him that and especially as it’s not true ! I just really want him to be healthier and for his own sake feel good about himself.

@RogersOrganismicProcess I’ve only just seen this reply . Thank you it was really insightful reading from the other perspective. So sorry for your loss xx

Exactly same feelings here. I never found my husband unattractive, he has very handsome face, plus I love him for his brain and good heart, not his looks. I just want him to be healthy and live long life (I want to die first, can't imagine living without him🤐), so I understand your concerns 100%.

@Kay286 great that he received the message with the love that was intended behind it.

I do wonder whether a session with a good dietician might help? You mentioned evening meals of maybe 500/600 cals for each of you. I’d have thought that for a 6ft 4 bloke that’s too little. If he’s not being fed enough for his main meals (I appreciate he’s neither a dog nor a toddler) then maybe he’s constantly hungry Af so snacking on rubbish?

maybe nutritionally sound main meals with lots of protein, complex carbs and greens might but more cals might help him. The slimmest people I know (my DP for eg ) just never snack between meals and can go long periods. I just can’t do that but having some absolute rules might help him.

Yes mine was into cycling too. Speaking to him it is the cardio side of things that sometimes put him off exercise. He likes going in the garage, closing himself off and lifting heavy weights. He has a full rack which allows him to go in by himself and lift without it being dangerous. He is able to work up a sweat without having to run and he is proud of the muscles he is getting.