To want my husband to lose some weight …

[Kay286]

My husband is overweight , it’s crept on gradually starting during lockdown and is a fair few stone (3-4) overweight.
He’s tall so can carry it ok. I completely love him to bits and am totally attracted to him it does not affect our sex life at all.
He carry it all around his belly and chest and recently at the drs was told his cholesterol is elevated (he’s under 40 )
I know it bothers him also, he won’t swim with our kids on holidays etc and he won’t feel comfortable taking his top off (we don’t speak about this but I know this is the reason)
I’ve tried to support him in the past by not buying too much snack things in and cook healthy meals etc . He bought an exercise bike but that now sits gathering dust.
He has a gym membership and when he goes I’m encouraging. But he will go for 2 weeks then stop.
Ive helped him with calorie counting and how I maintain my weight (I’m under 9 stone and I’m pretty sure he weighs over double what I do but I’m short and he is tall!) but it’s only lasts a week or 2.
Im pretty sure he eats (sneaks ?) food. Recently I found a whole packet of after eights gone from Xmas that were unopened - in one sitting ? I know it wasnt me or the kids . Sweeties and crisps are his downfall.
he recently got invited to a formal event last minute but couldn’t attend as his trousers didn’t fit , every time he’s had an event he has to go buy bigger clothes. He was visably upset they were too small again.
sometimes when he is sitting on the sofa his belly hangs out which isn’t nice to look at 🙈
I just don’t know how to help him… is he just going to continue getting bigger and bigger ?
Am I being awful ? Maybe - like I say I am attracted to him but obviously I would prefer him to lose a few stone and I know he would too ! I have tried talking to him but he is VERY sensitive about it … obviously because he knows he is overweight! So can I do nothing and just have to wait until he does it for himself ??

I'm not vegan, too restrictive for me, but I suspect of the big factors why veggies are not (usually) overweight is that are less likely to be eating junk food, burgers, biscuits, cakes, Pringles, etc. A wise man once said, "Eat food, not too much, mostly plants". Meaning, not highly processed stuff. Which as you say, a lot of 'healthy' and vegan stuff is.

I am in a similar position. After lockdowns and demanding job and WFH I am now between overweight and obese. Have been for a while but now doing something about it.

I have an end goal. There is a holiday planned later in the year which requires wearing a swimsuit and none of mine fit. In fact most of my clothes are a bit tight now. I like some outdoor sports but I struggle now as my fitness is not what it was. I am on a 12 week mission to try and get back on track, I find it helps if there is a timescale involved.

So I have broken it down. You cannot out train a bad diet so I have overhauled what I eat. I do not buy snacks, if I do I eat them. I looked at portions and been really strict on that, i just use what is recommended on the packet. Avoid ing processed food as well. I am not touching wine or beer for the next 12 weeks, and bread and buttered toast is out the door as well (a weakness of mine). I do not calorie count.

I have joined a gym (& acquire a PT for the 12 weeks) and got a schedule in place. Classes help as once you are signed up there is a time and a place to be. Once you get going, you go to the gym in between to be better at the classes.

I weigh myself each morning at the same time and write it down in my diary so I can see progress (or lack of). It is a constant reminder of what I have achieved.

The key to all this is why I am doing it. Fed up of being the fat one in photos and clothes not fitting, I have the motivation. Weighing myself each morning is a reminder.

I hope this helps but your DH is the only one who can do this. He needs the reason to drive him to change and once that is there, the rest can be put in place. If you have a holiday with the kids planned would that help or an event you will be going to?

Does he want to lose weight? I ask because yes people can be unhappy with what they look like but that isn't enough to get them to change. Behaviourally there are a few things that can help...

1. What is getting in the way? You NEED to know this. If its not attending the gym, it is a time of day thing? I am much more motivated to attend the gym when its warmer and light outside. Maybe he needs to change the time he goes to the gym so its not as aversive when its dark and cold.
2. Does he pack a bag for the gym beforehand and put it in the car? If he has to get in and then pack a bag and go back out it is much less likely. Anything that leads to him being able to sit down in the comfort of the house is immediately making it harder.
3. Is there crap food in the house? My weight is always predicated on whether my partner has bought biscuits and chocolates. If they are there I will eat them (they aren't just for her BTW!) I need the house to be chocolate free ideally.
4. Does he make lunch and take it to work? If not, he will encounter the dieters horror of meal deals! Every bloody one has chocolate/crisps etc included as an option. NOBODY buys a meal deal to have a pot of fruit.

It really needs a household change in culture. Otherwise he is set up to fail.

Also, if a man said his wife should lose weight on here would that be okay?

It's really tricky but I cant imagine a marriage where you cant have an 'I'm worried about you' conversation. This does affect you, it's increasingly likely its your retirement that you're going to spend caring for someone who's weight has contributed to an illness, who can't travel because their partner can't get the insurance due to various weight related illnesses, its likely you that's going to be left on your own as your partner will die first. This is the reality of being extremely overweight, I know I sound harsh but I've seen this happen a few times its like a car crash in slow motion and then afterwards everyone wishes they had staged some kind of intervention or at least raised their concerns.

Practically you can buy less snacks, cook with less carbs and more veg etc, make sure there are decent tasty alternatives to junk, offer to go a walk or distract him with whatever when you know he tends to snack (call him in the car if he snacks on journeys etc) but as others have said he does need to change for himself. But you can say how you are worried about him

What?! Lol yes of course a marriage would survive that.

If someone has piled on the weight and is massively fatter than when they got married (for no reason other than greed), then yes I think their husband or wife is perfectly entitled to tell them to sort it out!

I posted earlier about men being successful on Weight Watchers or Slimming World - do you not think he would be interested in them?

My husband had a heat attack and was only then he changed his life strike. He lost 3 stone and changed his lifestyle.

As a sweeping statement, men are usually more "visually" stimulated than women so as you say there's often a societal expectation that women stay slim, whereas many women say "oh I like him because he's really smart and he makes me laugh" about their partners, rather than the attraction being mostly based on their physical attributes.

These are vast generalisations of course and not always true, but this is part of why the "dad bod" is definitely seen as something that's more socially acceptable. There's a limit, of course - dad bod doesn't mean a big belly hanging over his trousers, slobby fat arms etc. There is a lot of focus in men's media about keeping trim too, but it tends to be in the context of sport or "gains" in the gym 🙄

This is the reason for my previous statement that men (in general) have to want to lose weight for themselves - society doesn't try to push/shame them into doing it the same way it seems to with women.

It's a shame it affects family things, perhaps approach it from that angle? He knows he's overweight, he won't lose it until he wants to for himself and its not easy, but similarly its hard when someone you love is basically self harming isn't it.

@Kay286 Raw carrots by themselves would be a lot, but dipping them in some low fat hummus is a delicious snack. Apples are really inoffensive as far as fruits go (can always get one of those apple corers if he doesn't like peeling or biting into them) and satsumas are also delicious - but if he's absolutely determined that he doesn't like fruit and won't eat it then it'll be a little trickier. Anything that's not chocolate/calorie dense but is still satisfying to eat is a big improvement. It's important to have hobbies and things to distract from wanting to snack all the time too - a lot of it happens due to sheer boredom.

I did find that MyFitnessPal helped a bit initially as it forced me to look at how many calories I was actually consuming during the day. If you have an Apple Watch/Fitbit or similar it also gives you credit for any exercise you do - I've tried my best to have a reward system where I feel fine about having a snack if I've done my 30-40 minutes on the elliptical that day. I don't use MyFitnessPal any more but sometimes it can open your eyes about exactly how many calories are in the things you eat and how little energy you're actually using if you don't exercise.

My personal motivation for weight loss came for a few reasons - I was a little concerned about heart disease as I was getting older (family history) plus the potential for diabetes with the amount of sugar I was eating. Stairs were becoming a little trickier, I was out of breath doing garden work, my clothes didn't look good and I just felt like life was passing me by as a fat person. I didn't want to go another year being flabby and hating the way I looked in the mirror. It really does have to come from within - but if he can do things for 2-3 weeks it can start to become a habit.

It's sounds possibly like it may have progressed into a binge eating disorder territory (recognised eating disorder) with him hiding wrappers & eating whole boxes after 8s in one setting. Alot of health boards have eating disorder assistance teams that inc binge eating that may be useful for him but the problem is like anyone with an addiction/disorder is getting them to accept they need help

Another thing you can try that might help can you go walking with him ie something you can do together - huge long walks to get him moving & expending more calories?

Also just to state the bleeding obvious - if he did actually think that you don't find him attractive any more because of his weight, it would probably be a pretty big motivator towards him wanting to sort himself out. People ultimately get lazy because they can, and if he's still getting everything he wants (meals, home life, sex etc) while being able to snack as much as he likes then he doesn't have any real motivation to change. It doesn't sound like he's really feeling the physical symptoms of being overweight yet.

Of course you don't need to be harsh about it, but as others have said if you can find a photo of him when he was looking great and tell him how sexy you found him and how much you enjoyed x thing you did together then it's likely to have more of an impact. It doesn't have to be nagging or concern, just a friendly observation that it doesn't go unnoticed. Men often aren't backwards in coming forwards when their wives gain enough weight for them to be less attractive - I think it's only fair that the same is true in reverse.

@Straycatblue yes we try and get out on weekends and have long walks we have a dog so we do ! This is what also leads me to think he may be secretly eating and snacking a lot that I don’t see. As we eat dinners the same fairly healthy home cooked meals, most of the time (we do eat out and have takeaways but I also do ) I’m fairly small 8st 11. So if we’re eating the same dinners etc and I’m staying the same and he is 18stone and not losing when we do the walking etc he is definitely snacking on lots !

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe Honestly I really don’t think he would ! I actually think he’s quite insecure about his body and I just don’t think he would go to a group like that (even though everyone is there for the same thing !)

@Daleksatemyshed i think it was someone else who posted their husband said it all men are meant to be slim :)

@theGooHasGone haha yes I have thought about this but it feels so mean.
I flit between that’s it but I’m just going to say I’m not interested in sex until you lose some weight etc to thinking that incredibly harsh of me and the I almost makes excuse for him like he got a stressful job , he works hard he’s a great dad and I should ease up on him !

Does he have a birthday coming up soon? If so could you get him some PT sessions? Some do
lifestyle guidance as well and send reminders for step count etc. it might be easier for him to talk about with a third party.

I really don’t think that this is a good idea.

You have to be in a good space mentally to lose weight. It isn’t really about food; it’s about the stresses or habits that are causing him to over-eat in the first place.

Please don’t add another stress to him. He knows very well what he has to do.

Sorry @Kay286 I obviously got confused.
I do wonder if the person who said your DH has a binge eating disorder is on to something _ if you eat the same meals and you're less than 9 stone then he must be eating an awful lot between meals. I really do think you need to have a proper talk, no need to be unkind, just straight talking. Surely if you are close you should be able to talk about this?

So if he knows and you know what’s stopping you from having a frank discussion? why can’t you tell him exactly what you wrote on your initial post? why you keep going around the bush instead of tackling the situation head on?

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I can have that conversation, when he first started gaining during lockdown I was fairly direct and said we both really need to watch our weight and what we are eating (me really I didn’t need to lose but wanted to eat better as lockdown was ordering takeaways out of boredom) he kept snacking and I really tried to push the healthy eating and he just told me to stop he said it wasn’t helping and there was enough to worry about than gaining a bit of weight.
fast-forward 2 years and ge has gain a lot and he definitely knows it’s an issue but I try to be a lot more gently because I think I really annoyed him when I spoke before.
I have also mentioned the health side of things and we are pushing 40 so need to be more health conscious about cardiovascular risk factors.
His weight bothers him I know it does he has started trying just before Christmas , he even ordered a salad in a restaurant ! But he just doesn’t follow through , he went to the gym but it lasted 2 weeks.

perhaps you should tell him that its worrying you and you’re worried that he needs to get it under control while hes still got his health and is relatively young

that’s not harsh but might motivate him - of he wont be motivated to do it fir himself he might be to do it for your peace of mins

@pompei8309 when I tried to tackle it a few years ago … I was maybe too direct and it really annoyed him, he said it wasn’t helpful and he will do it on his own (without me nagging about it I guess ) So now he will not really discuss it if I even say something related to his weight he shuts the conversation down.
when he found out his cholesterol was up I started trying to say oh what the the dr say about it …. And his reply was he didn’t even make a big deal just moderate a bit … so don’t try and use that as an angle I know where you’re going with this and that’s it end of conversation

@Tripofalifetime343 i think this is probably very true. I’ve tried before and it didn’t help at all.
Now no matter how much I want to him to lose some, I also don’t want to put all this pressure and make him feel shit about his weight and nag him espec when he has a pretty stressful job.
I think from reading all the replies I probably can’t really do much he has to want to do it for himself

I'd sit him down tell him you still find him attractive but your worried about his health. Tell him you can help if he wants to lose weight.
It needs to be said whether he wants to hear it or not but it can be done sensitively x