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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to leave our 8 month old?

81 replies

Subzer0 · 15/01/2023 15:58

I will preface this by saying I am a man. Basically it's my wife's 30th birthday soon and I've sorted out leave with work to get a guaranteed long weekend before her birthday.

My sister said she would be willing to look after our 8 month son for 3 days. My wife has already accepted this offer without consulting me.

My sister is brilliant, a great mother with 2 gorgeous girls herself and a nice family. However my son hasn't really had much contact with my sister (just due to busy family lives, my son being ill etc.)

So my Son hasn't really built a bond with my sister. As great as a mother/person my sister is she hasn't really built a bond with my son. So I think leaving my son with my sister for 3 days, he would cry and be unsettled the whole time.

I told my partner how I felt and she has now flew off of the handle saying to forget the whole thing, etc...

So now I'm made to feel bad for everything because as most husbands know it's always their fault!

This is not a post bad mouthing my wife she's brilliant, and a great mother and we've not had a 1min alone with each other for years. So I understand why she really wants this.

But AIBU with this? Should we just leave my son with my sister for 3 days?

Thank you in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Subzer0 · 15/01/2023 16:01

EDIT: I forgot to mention for the 3 days we would be going away together

OP posts:
CoffeeLover90 · 15/01/2023 16:06

Is there enough time between now and the birthday to leave DC at your sisters for an hour or two, a couple of times, to see how they get on? I'm a bit conflicted because I can genuinely see both sides. I'd be anxious leaving my son in an unfamiliar place but it's hard work and I'd have loved a break.

Zombiemum1946 · 15/01/2023 16:13

I don't think I could leave either of mine at that age for 3 days. Neither settled well with their dad, nevermind someone they didn't really know.

Original poster
Subzer0 · 15/01/2023 16:13

Yes that's a good idea, I will see if I can arrange some time before we go. That is hard in itself as I work a hell of a lot unfortunately. But I will try my best. I guess my ultimate issue is just leaving my son with anyone other than his mother. I hate leaving him whilst in work but I know he's with the person who loves him the most so obviously it's a different feeling.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/01/2023 16:35

There are enough posts on here from parents who arent comfortable leaving their babies with anyone, to see that its a perfectly normal reaction. Especially where they are a relative stranger to the baby. I think I'd not have enjoyed a weekend away because I'd have been worrying how things were at home. Why dont you do one night away and then a couple of other shorter trips, lunches out etc where you leave the baby for a shorter time

ChefsSalad · 15/01/2023 17:08

Sounds like your wife desperately needs a break. Given that she's the one doing the vast majority of the care, I'd say its her call in this one.

Sirzy · 15/01/2023 17:10

Why does it need to be 3 nights? Could you not go away somewhere for one night together?

perhaps at another point she could go away with friends for a couple of nights too

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 17:12

Why don’t you stay with your son and your wife can go for a lovely spa weekend one where in her own or with a friend

there is a difference in that she is making the decision about whether the baby should not be with HER

you aren’t deciding that the baby shouldn’t be with you but should be with her

I do think as she’s the primary caregiver ultimately it’s her call

its not for you to say that she can’t spend three days away from her baby

Lenald · 15/01/2023 17:12

Subzer0 · 15/01/2023 16:13

Yes that's a good idea, I will see if I can arrange some time before we go. That is hard in itself as I work a hell of a lot unfortunately. But I will try my best. I guess my ultimate issue is just leaving my son with anyone other than his mother. I hate leaving him whilst in work but I know he's with the person who loves him the most so obviously it's a different feeling.

Is your wife the main carer?

her reaction would suggest she is absolutely desperate for a break, I really feel for her.

i personally couldn’t leave my baby for three days but I hold absolutely NO judgement for a woman that needs to.

happy mum = happy baby. I think for this rare occasion it would be fair to put Mummas needs first.

Lenald · 15/01/2023 17:15

Lenald · 15/01/2023 17:12

Is your wife the main carer?

her reaction would suggest she is absolutely desperate for a break, I really feel for her.

i personally couldn’t leave my baby for three days but I hold absolutely NO judgement for a woman that needs to.

happy mum = happy baby. I think for this rare occasion it would be fair to put Mummas needs first.

Show quote history

Oh also, I would add I get a shit ton support from my babies Dad, he does not work a hell of a lot.

if he did I would definitely want that break

please give it to her, you don’t know what it’s like and how lonely and draining her life can be. She needs a break.

Eas1lyd1stracted · 15/01/2023 17:17

I agree it sounds like she desperately needs a break. That sounds like a long time to leave baby with someone without either of their parents.

I would talk to your wife and find out why she feels so strongly. Is it needing a break or time with you both together?

If she wanted to, could you stay at home with baby and your wife have a girls weekend with a friend?

Then you could take up the kind babysitting offer for an evening where you have a special dinner together.

Krakenes · 15/01/2023 18:00

Could she go with a friend and you look after the baby?

Babyclb · 15/01/2023 18:11

So now I'm made to feel bad for everything because as most husbands know it's always their fault!

Yawn. Frankly you’re a dick for saying this and perpetuating the ‘poor little husband and his irrational wife’ bullshit.

You aren’t wrong to not want to leave your DC with your sister for 3 days but it is a bit rich that yours happy to work ‘a lot’ and leave him with your wife. She’s the only one who doesn’t get baby free time in this and the one opportunity she gets for that you stand in the way so I can see why she is upset.

I guess you could encourage her to go with a friend or her mum and you could look after the baby for the 3 days then.

Emmamoo89 · 15/01/2023 18:37

I wouldn't of been able to leave mine at that age.

BicycleLoaf · 15/01/2023 19:13

If my husband told me I had to leave my 8 month old for 3 days I'd be furious so well done for seeming fairly calm. I think she's being slightly selfish to react the way she has. You're clearly not comfortable with the idea so while she might be desperate for a break, she should still show compassion for your concerns.
Sounds like she just got a bit over enthusiastic about the whole thing and forgot to factor in your feelings, I'd guess her being so annoyed about it is that she'd built up this perfect idea of a break in her mind and it was a shock to have to face the reality that things might not go exactly how she was hoping. I think we're all guilty of doing this sometimes.

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 19:14

@BicycleLoaf but he’s telling her she CANT leave her child and have a break. It’s a different dynamic.

BicycleLoaf · 15/01/2023 19:16

I must have missed where he told her that she couldn't leave the baby? As far as I understood he just told her how he was feeling about it

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 15/01/2023 19:24

OP I agree with pp, why don't you offer to have the baby and she go away with a friend for the 3 days? That way she gets a break and you're with your DS, win win surely?

JustAnotherManicMomday · 15/01/2023 19:27

I would say if your not comfortable with it maybe she could go on a girls weekend away to get a break whilst you watch the child?

Babyclb · 15/01/2023 19:32

BicycleLoaf · 15/01/2023 19:16

I must have missed where he told her that she couldn't leave the baby? As far as I understood he just told her how he was feeling about it

Well he’s fine to be away from the baby while he “works a hell of a lot” so it isn’t OP being away from the baby he has a problem with, it’s the wife being away from the baby.

BicycleLoaf · 15/01/2023 19:40

Ah, I see what you mean. It is different to be away during the day and being away for 3 days, but I'm not sure I'm following this properly at this point lol

mummyh2016 · 15/01/2023 19:55

You could book a spa weekend, you go for the first day and night then arrange a friend to be with her the rest of the weekend? Of course YANBU to not want to leave the baby for that long but it does sound like she needs a break.

Crumbwell · 15/01/2023 20:11

Why have you not had “a minute alone together for years” if your child is only 8 months?

anomaly23 · 15/01/2023 21:56

Go the first night op, pick up your kid next afternoon and organise friends to go for the other 2 nights.

LemonBounce · 17/01/2023 05:41

Lenald · 15/01/2023 17:12

Is your wife the main carer?

her reaction would suggest she is absolutely desperate for a break, I really feel for her.

i personally couldn’t leave my baby for three days but I hold absolutely NO judgement for a woman that needs to.

happy mum = happy baby. I think for this rare occasion it would be fair to put Mummas needs first.

Show quote history

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