AIBU for not wanting to leave our 8 month old?

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I will preface this by saying I am a man. Basically it's my wife's 30th birthday soon and I've sorted out leave with work to get a guaranteed long weekend before her birthday.

My sister said she would be willing to look after our 8 month son for 3 days. My wife has already accepted this offer without consulting me.

My sister is brilliant, a great mother with 2 gorgeous girls herself and a nice family. However my son hasn't really had much contact with my sister (just due to busy family lives, my son being ill etc.)

So my Son hasn't really built a bond with my sister. As great as a mother/person my sister is she hasn't really built a bond with my son. So I think leaving my son with my sister for 3 days, he would cry and be unsettled the whole time.

I told my partner how I felt and she has now flew off of the handle saying to forget the whole thing, etc...

So now I'm made to feel bad for everything because as most husbands know it's always their fault!

This is not a post bad mouthing my wife she's brilliant, and a great mother and we've not had a 1min alone with each other for years. So I understand why she really wants this.

But AIBU with this? Should we just leave my son with my sister for 3 days?

Thank you in advance for any advice.

I agree with the PP who pulled you up on this: “as most husbands know it's always their fault!”.

Actually, what you’ve done is promised a burnt out mother a weekend off for her birthday and then said you don’t feel comfortable leaving the baby. It’s not about husbands always being in the wrong and it’s quite infuriating that was the assumption you came to rather than considering why your wife is disappointed.

Sounds like your wife needs the break. If you can't leave baby that is understandable, is there anyone else wife could go away with eg friend or her sister while you watch baby?

Also if your wife is main carer and she thinks baby will be ok with your sister she is probably right.

The difference is that the mother in this situation is the main caregiver. Of course that doesn’t mean every decision she makes is final and the OP doesn’t get a say but he says himself he works a lot and so Mum has the baby the majority of the time. IMO he doesn’t have the right to decide she can’t leave the baby with anyone else.

If she decides actually she’d like to go back to work this month would he object to
leaving the baby with childcare? He can’t agree Mum has the main responsibility of care for the baby and then forbid them from letting anyone else look after them because he’s only comfortable with the baby being looked after by Mum. It’s not fair.

I think it’s more off an odd line of thinking, that Dad can decide he doesn’t want his baby cared for by anyone but Mum and you think that Mum just has to accept that.
What age can Dad decide this until?
He can leave for work, as he’s decided he’s comfortable with the baby being without him, but Mum can’t leave ever because he’s not comfortable with that?

Exactly this- you are not the main caregiver and if your wife is comfortable with this, then go for it

But as another poster said, why start with 3 nights, start with 1?

@Pollysprocket he said it in his third post

Could you do an overnight together, then give your partner the gift of peace & quiet for another night or two with a friend as another PP has suggested?

We left DD overnight with MIL at about the same age. She lives 2 hours away so they hadn’t had huge amounts of time with each other but, y’know, they were absolutely fine for the night. I’d probably have been thrilled if DH said “tag another night or two on and I’ll look after DD” even if it just gave me the chance to read my book, drink a whole hot drink and relax in a long bath on my own.

In my experience (of me), sometimes you need to be offered the same question/given options/suggestions/open dialogue generally at different times - if I’ve had a particularly trying morning, I’d happily go off on one but a couple of hours/days later, I haven’t had such a trying day so more receptive to things.

So you get time away working a lot and it’s fine because your son is with your wife. But she doesn’t get a break.

your options are accept that your sister has made the offer and your wife is comfortable with it

or say that you understand she needs a break to take a friend and you as his Dad will look after him

I do think you’re in the wrong here op. You’ve booked time off work for your wife, and expect her to sit at home and continue taking care of the baby for a few days? She’s jumped at the chance for a weekend off with the baby getting taken care of by a loving relative, while you get to reconnect and spend time together for the first time in years. If you were going to put such severe conditions on her having a couple days off for her birthday then you may as well not have bothered. Cancel the leave and just take her out for dinner or something. I’d be severely pissed off at booking leave and wasting it doing what I always have to do 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s insinuated. If there was someone, in OP’s mind, better suited surely the conversation would have gone: “You’ve asked SIL to look after baby but I think MIL has a better bond so we should ask her instead”. But it wasn’t that, he’s just not comfortable leaving baby.

You’ve completely changed the scenario though? The op himself has booked the days off. It’s not like his wife has booked it off and sprung a child free holiday on him without him knowing. And while of course the op’s feelings are valid, it’s generally the main caregiver who finds it hard to leave the baby. The ops at work all day and it’s his wife having to take care of it. His wife’s happy (or perhaps desperately needs) the break, so it’s a bit shit for her.

@Pollysprocket this is a direct quote from one of the OPs posts -

I guess my ultimate issue is just leaving my son with anyone other than his mother. I hate leaving him whilst in work but I know he's with the person who loves him the most so obviously it's a different feeling

I still haven't left my 18month old 😂

It may be common but it's not biologically normal for a baby to be separated from the woman who birthed them to leave them for long periods of time. 3-5 hours is huge for a baby who cannot tell the time.
It's sleep training on overdrive which is hugely damaging to the front part of the baby's brain which then goes on to cause life long risk factors for poor mental health in adults.
YANBU

I don’t think either of you are wrong (apart from the frankly stupid “wah all husbands are always wrong”). She needs a break from being the main carer, and is happy with that. Mine were still very much breastfed at that age so I wouldn’t hAve done it, but doesn’t mean she is wrong to.

you’re not happy with it, and that’s ok too.

Why don’t you suggest 1 night/day? Or that she and a friend go for a weekend and you have baby? Then a nice meal for actual birthday.

So first it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want anyone else to care for the baby but his wife (even though he’s now directly quoted as saying so) and now it doesn’t mean he expects his wife to do all of the care.

That’s not the point. She wants a child free weekend for her birthday. It is unreasonable for him to tell her she can’t do that because he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving the baby with anyone but her. That is trapping her into never leaving the baby unless he if comfortable and that’s not a fair thing for him to do.

No one jumped to any conclusion, it’s literally the OP’s own words.

“I guess my ultimate issue is just leaving my son with anyone other than his mother.”