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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a man should ask questions too.

88 replies

PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 13:05

Just met a really interesting guy in the park. Spent a couple of hours together after striking up a conversation at the cafe. We're both single and work in the arts, know some of the same people it turns out. I found him very interesting.....But, he did not ask me a single question. I even had to tell him my name after a long while and tell him what I did for a living after he'd told me all, and I mean ALL about himself. I've been single for 3 years and have had a few online dates. TBH, I have found that there are quite a few men out there who talk and talk about themselves, but rarely ask questions and it's really irritating; (I'm actually pretty interesting too [numb-nuts!]) Anyway, he's suggested dinner and I'd like to go, but feeling uncertain. This could be a sign of his social awkwardness or potentially a tip of the self-obsessed iceberg. If we go to dinner I could try making a joke about ' btw feel free to ask me questions too handsome!'

OP posts:
Shayisgreat · 15/01/2023 13:35

He sounds like a bore! Why would you want to spend more time with him?

At the very best, he was nervous and socially awkward so maybe another date where you playfully raise that he seems to be doing must of the talking could work. But if it was me, I'd assume he isn't interested in me as a person and that would seriously turn me off.

Onnabugeisha · 15/01/2023 13:39

If you are attracted to him, it is worth having another date because it is very common to have the sort of social awkwardness where you just start rambling on and on. I think it’d be fine to jokingly say, let’s have dinner so I can return the favour and tell you all about me.

Original poster
PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 13:56

Thanks guys. I've thought about this and it's as if there's a male privilege thing going on: 'I'm male and therefore what I say, do, think and feel is obviously of more relevance and importance; whereas you're female, you'll enjoy listening'! Obviously, there are many guys out there not at all like this, but I cant be the only woman who's experienced this many times in her life. It's too common to not be 'a thing' or maybe it's generational, and younger men are not at all like this. I'm over 50, so it'd be interesting to hear your experiences.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 15/01/2023 13:59

Thanks guys. I've thought about this and it's as if there's a male privilege thing going on: 'I'm male and therefore what I say, do, think and feel is obviously of more relevance and importance; whereas you're female, you'll enjoy listening'!

Yes, too many men can be like this.
Obviously - women can do it too, but in the specific man/woman interaction you described, it's definitely a male entitlement thing. The kind of man who does it tends not to see women as fully human, or expect them to be interesting, or funny, or talented, or knowledgeable in their own right - they expect a woman to merely be an audience.

Original poster
PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 14:00

'' an audience"

LOLS

OP posts:
Original poster
PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 14:05

I'm on a roll here....
I met a diff guy in another park last year who told be ALL about his prostate op' for 45 minutes, I kid you not. I appreciate that's a horrid thing to have and a miracle when it's cured yada yada, but after the 45 minutes I was sitting very tightly crossed-legged and he knew absolutely NOTHING about me at all 😂I made my excuses and left

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 15/01/2023 14:05

PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 13:56

Thanks guys. I've thought about this and it's as if there's a male privilege thing going on: 'I'm male and therefore what I say, do, think and feel is obviously of more relevance and importance; whereas you're female, you'll enjoy listening'! Obviously, there are many guys out there not at all like this, but I cant be the only woman who's experienced this many times in her life. It's too common to not be 'a thing' or maybe it's generational, and younger men are not at all like this. I'm over 50, so it'd be interesting to hear your experiences.

That’s often the reason behind men monopolising a conversation to be all about them when it is done intentionally.

However, it’s only one date so far and I’ve found that the more genuinely attracted a man is to you, the higher the risk he will be socially awkward and lose his head on the date in terms of being so nervous that he can’t stop talking because of being afraid of awkward silences and really wanting you to like them.

So another date might help determine whether what happened was intentional or unintentional.

FOJN · 15/01/2023 14:07

He's quite keen for you to get to know him but he doesn't want to know anything about you to decide he'd like to go on a date with you. Presumably you're quite attractive as well as attentive, if you don't mind those being the criteria by which he selects his dates then crack on. A man who lacks conversational skills would bore and piss me off in equal measure and I wouldn't touch him with someone else's.

I'd raise your bar and give this one a swerve.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 15/01/2023 14:10

Oh come on, he didn’t even ask your name!!!

Clearly his only requirement for asking someone on a date is that they are prepared to sit quietly and attentively listening to him monologue.

Original poster
PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 14:11

To clarify I met him today by chance. It was not a date, we just got chatting.

OP posts:
Warspite · 15/01/2023 14:14

I had a short relationship with a guy many years ago. After a while it struck me that he never ever asked me anything about myself, my family, likes & dislikes, childhood and so on. However he was not unkind and we generally got on well.

I did ask him why he never asked me questions and his reply was that it was “nothing to do with me!”
I dumped him. He was such a bore and rather emotionless. There’s a few of ‘em out there I’m afraid.

Original poster
PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 14:16

"Nothing to do with me"😳

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 15/01/2023 14:17

A man who lacks conversational skills would bore and piss me off in equal measure and I wouldn't touch him with someone else's.

While this is true, I think it’s a mistake to determine lack of conversational skills based on an initial encounter alone. In addition, the men that can skilfully chat up a woman on the first meeting often have zero actual feelings for her and just want to dip their wick. That’s been my experience anyway, the ones that were the most charming, the most attentive, seemed the most interested in me at the first meeting- it was all part of their well oiled method to get me into bed.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 15/01/2023 14:17

btw feel free to ask me questions too handsome!'

Don't stoke his ego further by calling him 'handsome'.

Give him a chance as it might have been nervous rambling, but if he continues to be self-centred, throw him back. You don't want a lifetime of sitting back while he muses boringly about himself.

FOJN · 15/01/2023 14:19

No you're not alone, I've met quite a few men like this but I've avoided having a relationship with any of them. I'm always amazed when I meet married men who don't appear to know anything about their wife apart from what she looks like and what she does for them.

UWhatNow · 15/01/2023 14:20

As an older woman who would not entertain a self obsessed bloke for 5 mins - why did you sit there listening to that for two hours? I’m afraid you can’t really blame the men if women are prepared to sit there politely putting up with it. They probably go around in the delusion that they are fascinating. It’s up to the receiver to disavow them of that notion.

Original poster
PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 14:22

"It’s up to the receiver to disavow them of that notion."
Couldn't been uttered by my dear Mum! 😆

OP posts:
thinkfast · 15/01/2023 14:26

If he didn't ask you a single question, he's clearly not interested in you OP.

Crimeismymiddlename · 15/01/2023 14:58

I have found this on OLD a lot. It is annoying as it does seem like a lot of men rely on the women to do the heavy lifting in the conversation. I find myself just getting irritated and stop responding. Or, like you have found another type is to just word vomit for hours all about themselves-though often these men make themselves fairly obvious with profiles that are three phone screens long, or very long hello messages. They make me cringe so much I could not imagine going on a date with ether type-one expects you to make on the conversation effort, the other won’t even realise you are there due to all the monologuing.

It is rare to find a man capable of normal conversation.

Original poster
PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 15:34

Yes thanks all. Beginning to appreciate that I actually already have this T-shirt!

OP posts:
Andsoforth · 15/01/2023 15:42

Ime of dating, which was a while ago, men who tell you their life story were likely to believe themselves in love. It was something I gently discouraged by talking about other things like current affairs and the weather until I figured out if I wanted to be fallen in love with.

I’m not sure if it still holds true as dating can be much more frequent with OLD than it was back in the day.

OriginalUsername2 · 15/01/2023 15:45

I have to say I find this with people in general where I live. No-one ever asks questions, people just talk about themselves and other people talk about themselves back.

OldTinHat · 15/01/2023 15:47

It might be nerves? I tend to waffle and over share when I'm anxious and have to remind myself that I'm in a conversation, not a monologue.

Definitely go and have dinner, what have you got to lose?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/01/2023 15:47

I went through a long dating time ten years ago and I realised a lot of the men would come away from a date thinking that it had been a lovely first date however they wouldn't have asked me anything about myself!

I would ask lots of questions, look interested but nothing back. They would talk at me for the whole time. Didn't meet those ones again!

BatildaB · 15/01/2023 15:48

I worked in a cafe and saw more dates where the woman did all the conversational work and question asking than not (probs about 60%). It’s so widespread I’d give a man like that a second chance but not a third in case it came from nerves or showing off. And I feel like it’s ok for them not to show the initiative in asking about you to begin with as long as they are interested and do ask follow up questions when you’ve introduced something about yourself. I do think it’s worse with younger people as most men do eventually seem to have to master some social skills.