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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a man should ask questions too.

88 replies

PasturesN3w · 15/01/2023 13:05

Just met a really interesting guy in the park. Spent a couple of hours together after striking up a conversation at the cafe. We're both single and work in the arts, know some of the same people it turns out. I found him very interesting.....But, he did not ask me a single question. I even had to tell him my name after a long while and tell him what I did for a living after he'd told me all, and I mean ALL about himself. I've been single for 3 years and have had a few online dates. TBH, I have found that there are quite a few men out there who talk and talk about themselves, but rarely ask questions and it's really irritating; (I'm actually pretty interesting too [numb-nuts!]) Anyway, he's suggested dinner and I'd like to go, but feeling uncertain. This could be a sign of his social awkwardness or potentially a tip of the self-obsessed iceberg. If we go to dinner I could try making a joke about ' btw feel free to ask me questions too handsome!'

OP posts:
Glittertrauma · 16/01/2023 09:06

While I haven't had this experience as such (met my husband at 18 when I probably wasn't as aware of such things, 36 now and married to the guy), I note some of the comments about why some people don't ask questions and I thought I would offer a view on that.

I feel like conversation should be a back and forth flow. If its a list of questions and responses from either side, I would feel like it was a job interview! Often asking questions can feel intrusive or too personal, especially at a first meeting. If a person was talking about their life, I'd be more likely in a first meeting to find common ground (I.e 'oh you lived in Mexico for three years? I'm going there on holiday in August) etc., than I would ask a stream of questions.

It would all depend how open the other person was revealing things about themselves. But I'd be more focusing on finding the commonality than I would asking lots of questions.

Perhaps that explains it a little?

Planesmistakenforstars · 16/01/2023 09:12

I think dinner is a terrible idea for a first date, perhaps suggest something more casual and easy to leave if the (lack of) conversation goes a similar way.

GreenManalishi · 16/01/2023 09:12

You've got more patience than I have to be sitting in a park for hours playing rent an audience for men with poor social skills.

told be ALL about his prostate op' for 45 minutes,

At no point did you feel like you wanted to stand up and walk away?

Maybe, maybe, give this latest one the benefit of the doubt and meet for a coffee to see if he does a complete 180. If not sack it off, and save your energy. You were put on this earth for more than some kind of Jane Austen era looking pretty and obediently listening service.

Mr Let's talk some more about me is likely to be as self oriented in the sack.

Parrotid · 16/01/2023 09:26

Some people are socially awkward and shit At conversation. And add in male privilege and you’ve easily got a monologuer. But, it’s completely fair enough to pull someone up on that, gently. It’s a kindness in fact.

Thesonglastslonger · 16/01/2023 09:32

A lot of men are like this.

They are almost all single, or divorced.

I wouldn’t bother OP, he is literally not interested in you, he just wants an admiring mirror to shag. Why waste your time?

MalagaNights · 16/01/2023 09:53

I've never dated but I have this experience frequently socially and at work.

Often men will talk extensively about themselves and not ask a single question.

I've raised this with male friends who have said they think this is how men interact with each other and it doesn't bother other men.
They said men talk at each other and take it in turns to talk about their 'story' or anecdote and don't wait to be asked.
Women wait for interest before sharing their anecdote and so can end up just silently sitting there waiting.

Their advice was don't wait for questions just get in their with your stories.

I've tried this and it works, but it's not my preferred conversational style. It feels like just talking at each other rather than real interest in the person.

I'm not sure I could be in an intimate relationship with someone I couldn't have a connected conversation with but I think you need to give him a chance.

H2bow · 16/01/2023 10:00

If you liked him I'd give a second chance to be honest, he might be self centred or he might have been nervous. I'd see how he is and go from there.

Whataretheodds · 16/01/2023 10:04

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 15/01/2023 14:10

Oh come on, he didn’t even ask your name!!!

Clearly his only requirement for asking someone on a date is that they are prepared to sit quietly and attentively listening to him monologue.

This. I thought you were going to say you wanted to stay in touch because he'd be a useful contact for work, not because you saw him as a romantic prospect.

Why on earth did you sit and listen to guy 2 talking about his prostrate op for that long?

TicketBoo23 · 16/01/2023 10:21

You could give him an hour on two in case it was nerves.

But it probably wasn't.

Some people are just self absorbed and mal adusted, and not capable of two way conversation.

They are not people you want as friends, let alone partners.

Planesmistakenforstars · 16/01/2023 10:55

They said men talk at each other and take it in turns to talk about their 'story' or anecdote and don't wait to be asked.
Women wait for interest before sharing their anecdote and so can end up just silently sitting there waiting.

My DP and his friends are like this. One of their wives has been recovering from cancer, so after DP went out for a group drink recently I asked how she was doing. He replied that he didn't know because he didn't ask, and his friend didn't mention it. He was dumbfounded that I thought this was incredibly weird. Apparently they "don't talk to each other like that." No wonder some of them think the slightest conversation with a woman indicates attraction, and women end up doing most of the emotional work in a relationship, if they don't show any interest in each other's lives. OTOH most are my friends are men, and they don't interact in that way at all. Sorry for the de-rail.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/01/2023 10:57

This isn't a gender thing, I know loads of women who suffer from an inability to talk about anyone other than themselves.

Original poster
PasturesN3w · 16/01/2023 14:43

"My DP and his friends are like this. One of their wives has been recovering from cancer, so after DP went out for a group drink recently I asked how she was doing. He replied that he didn't know because he didn't ask''

Micky Flanagan does a sketch about this. bitly.ws/yZK3 (from 3min 40sec) it is clear there is a difference in the way we communicate! Lols

OP posts:
Original poster
PasturesN3w · 16/01/2023 14:49

"I've raised this with male friends who have said they think this is how men interact with each other and it doesn't bother other men. They said men talk at each other and take it in turns to talk about their 'story' or anecdote and don't wait to be asked"

So is it cultural way of speaking then? Another poster mentioned women are like this too in their opinion. I have met one or two, but not the slew of guys who monologue at a person it's too many to mention. Is it up to other person to interject then and not expect any interest at all?

OP posts:
yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 14:50

He could have just been a bit nervous and overwhelmed maybe? X

GreenManalishi · 16/01/2023 15:06

yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 14:50

He could have just been a bit nervous and overwhelmed maybe? X

For two hours? Who monologues at anyone for two hours, nevermind a stranger?!

RedHelenB · 16/01/2023 15:09

In fact hat situation is have preferred to listen. However, on a date if he showed no interest in me or anything I had to say I wouldn't bother with another one. If someone is attracted to you then they usually would ask about you.

YDBear · 16/01/2023 15:15

Isn't this just a result of living in a culture saturated by narcissism? OP sounds like she's resisted "going with the flow" but we are a vanishing breed.

yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 15:16

@GreenManalishi I've met people (some are now friends) who get that nervous they just talk and talk and talk to fill time and don't ask questions, then once they're comfortable they aren't like that🤷‍♀️

WinterFoxes · 16/01/2023 15:19

Tbf, I do know a lot of women who do this too. I have also found myself guilty of it because people so bloody rarely show any interest in me that if they ask a question I tell them and forget to respond in kind sometimes.

I'd give him one chance. But if he monolgues at you again, start just saying, 'Right, mm,' in a really flat tone frequently to see if he gets the hint. And don't stay for two hours.

yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 15:22

SleeplessInEngland · 16/01/2023 10:57

This isn't a gender thing, I know loads of women who suffer from an inability to talk about anyone other than themselves.

I think it's a personality trait in both men and women, some people do it due to being nervous & some people do it all of the time.

I have female friends and when I meet up with them to 'catch up' it's more like me sitting and listening to what's happened in all of the time between last seeing them and now, if I have periods of time where I see them more they don't do it so much & do in fact ask me questions

I think peoples anxiety can play a part too, and some people just get so excited to be sharing information that they get ahead of themselves.

One of my friends, I have to stop her in conversation sometimes because she's 6 smaller stories deep into explaining 1 massive story and my brain hasn't quite finished processing the 2nd smaller story hahaha

elfd · 16/01/2023 15:23

You sound like a very good listener 😂
Maybe this fella needed to let it all out, hopefully he's gone away and thought about you and now wishes to find out more about you, give him another chance

Original poster
PasturesN3w · 16/01/2023 15:27

"One of my friends, I have to stop her in conversation sometimes because she's 6 smaller stories deep into explaining 1 massive story and my brain hasn't quite finished processing the 2nd smaller story hahaha"

You're a good friend!

So perhaps some of us need to suggest to certain friends / dates etc, that it'd be good if there was room for a bit of to-and-fro, rather than one listening all the time.

OP posts:
yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 15:35

PasturesN3w · 16/01/2023 15:27

"One of my friends, I have to stop her in conversation sometimes because she's 6 smaller stories deep into explaining 1 massive story and my brain hasn't quite finished processing the 2nd smaller story hahaha"

You're a good friend!

So perhaps some of us need to suggest to certain friends / dates etc, that it'd be good if there was room for a bit of to-and-fro, rather than one listening all the time.

Honestly i think it's best to pull people up on it and let them know they're doing it, as some people genuinely don't realise they're doing it! Or they are aware that they do it sometimes but get so excited talking they can't help themselves,
I'm quite the opposite I tend to ask questions and don't always have a lot to say, I'm not shy i just tend to take the back seat in a lot of conversations, but I have quite a number of friends and family members that just talk & talk 🤣

yorkshirepudsx · 16/01/2023 15:38

I went to a party with one of my friends who does it a while back, she was talking to this man and started doing it!
I ended up texting her saying "you're doing the all talk and no conversation thing again btw" and I saw her glance at her phone, and she shut up and then said to the man "so what do you do for work" and then thanked me later on for it 🙈🙈

dottiedodah · 16/01/2023 15:38

Why not go for the Dinner,see how he is then maybe .He may have been nervous or a bit overwhelmed .If he is no better over Supper out ,then bin .May be a second chance .or anyways a chance to eat out!