Can we PLEASE have a BALANCED SAHM v WOHM conversation, without it being personal PLEASE??

[lucyellensmum]

I find this debate interesting and thought provoking. But the other thread cannot be balanced as it is Xenia V the rest of mumsnet, or so it seems. That is neither fair on Xenia, nor does it promote a balanced response.

So if you want do do the SAHM debate then lets do it here (xenia too, if you can be arsed!). But no responses to previous posts are allowed

LEM puffs out her ample chest and feels all, BOSSY

i used to childmind my nephews a couple of days a week - I made sure i had a nanny in on those days!
it worked really well.

I don't think you're sad, Hassled. Or if you are, then lots of us are, too! I think there comes a point where each person has to bite the bullet and say ';Fuck it, for my own sanity I've got to do what I've got to do and to hell with what anyone else thinks', but this is more a mantra to practise saying every day, imo. In reality, most mothers I know (myself included) are riddled with self-doubt and a healthy dose of guilt at least some of the time - no matter what their circumstances may be.

Nbg - yes, I did meet a few slebs in my time . I won't have a novel to publish if I keep on MN-ing at this rate.

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I didn't mean sad as in 'god you're sad' I mean it's sad that if you have chosen what is best for your family, you know your kids are happy, you are happy etc etc then why does it matter what someone outside your family unit makes of it?

agree with dropdeadfred!

LOL-MF It's pretty bad isn't it
Surely SAHM's should WIHM following that logic?

lollll@MF - it is, isn't it?

MrsMattie, I was a music PR, then worked at a music mag, in a former life... wonder if our paths ever crossed!

I am a SAHM by default rather than active choice as I have just been made redundant and it's not a very family-friendly industry (long hours, high pressure, mediocre pay) so would be tough to go back.

I love being with my son all day and would miss him desperately if I wasn't here. But do sometimes feel 'out of the loop' with regards to real life. And I have practically no social life.

mothers at home are not working, because they don't get paid! work means for pay, in my book. so if you are a SAHM it's slave labour really

I'm like duchesse. I work from home and for me it is the perfect solution but I am lucky that I can do it.

I did work after having DS12 but got sick of the jibes and filthy looks from colleagues (and bosses) if I had to take time out becuase he was ill.

DH is the main breadwinner so it is always me who has to make the sacrafice when the children are ill or need taking anywhere.

Working is OK as long as you have an understanding boss.

I don't think it makes you any worse as a mother.

Here are my thoughts:

I loved being a SAHM when on mat leave because I was able to spend every single day with my precious baby. I could breastfeed him on demand and just cuddle up on the sofa with him and a trashy dvd if I fancied it.

But I hated the loneliness. I felt isolated from my family and friends and it was a long time before I stopped feeling inadequate if I hadn't scrubbed the house into a temple of homeliness, cooked a gourmet dinner and attended at least one baby yoga/baby singing/baby music/turn my baby into a genius class.

I also hated DH being so stressed out about money and not being able to spend money the way I wanted to. I know DH used to think that I was having a lovely lovely time at home and couldn't have much to complain about - after all, I was getting to spend all day with our beautiful ds instead of getting on a horrid train to do a horrid boring job in the big city. I didn't like the whiff of resentment that came along with that view.

I love being a working mum because I love my job and being freelance, can charge people lots of money. Lots of money means I can spend spend spend and DH isn't so stressed about the mortgage. I get to meet lots of interesting people (although I met lots of interesting people as a SAHM too - just not as varied) and talk about things other than potty training (although will resort to this line of conversation given half the chance).

I hate being away from ds. I hate that someone else is looking after him, giving him cuddles and teaching him the difference between a giraffe and an elephant.

At least I get to be a SAHM 4 days a week and a working mum 3 days a week, so I like to think I have the best of both worlds.

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My balanced position is:

I (unpatronizingly & 100% sincerely) bow at the feet of SAHMs.

I thought I could do it. I cannot.

And it hurts me very much when people say: "Why have children if you get someone else to look after them?"

A statement like that suggests an inability to understand that people are different and have different capabilities.

And some people need the money and must work. And some poeple don't need the money but have to work or they wind up like Sylvia Plath, head in the oven.

And yet others have something ELSE (besides motherhood), some gift for example, that they contribute to the world, and which they want to continue to contribute.

I have NEVER understood this debate, or why it is even a debate. Just GETTING THROUGH the long haul of motherhood, however you do it, seems so miraculous that why on earth would people make things more complicated by justifying HOW they do it.

I would like to work from home, so I can still do the school runs/appointments etc, save the £1000 per month nursery/after school fees - and avoid the guilty feelings when i arrive at work late/leave early to do the above

DDF You're right - it shouldn't matter. It bothers me that it does. I will go away and work on my "Fuck them all" attitude .

I started a lovely thread on this a little while ago. I shall endeavour to unearth it for you, LEM

agree with neighbour 100%

(Wonders if she knows Meg...). It's not a child friendly industry at all, is it? I eventually got out of magazines and worked in radio - even worse! I've been at home for 2 yrs now and also feel quite out of the loop as far as the whole music/media world is concerned. But it just isn't possible for me to be that cutting edge bright young thing now that I've got a child, so I have decided to stop sweating it. I'm actually re-training to be an antenatal teacher (don't laugh) while writing this supposed novel (has palpitations at how I have wasted day rambling on MN). It's not easy, all this work-life balance shit, is it? (sigh)

one of the things i worry about being/becoming a sahm is taking for granted the things`we can afford as if they grow on trees. I'd hate myself for that as I was like that as a teenager. does it happen?

AMEN@neighbour

Good for you Hassled !!

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"Just GETTING THROUGH the long haul of motherhood, however you do it, seems so miraculous that why on earth would people make things more complicated by justifying HOW they do it."

neighbour you have said it!!

I suppose technically i'm a SAHM, but i do work one afternoon a week.. i have to say, i adore being with my DS and some weeks the thought of leaving him with my mother wrenches my heart.

But other weeks i'm glad for those few hours away from him and some conversation that doesn't involve babble and dribble.

I don't think i could do either all the time and i commend the women who do.