I don't love my unborn baby

[jammydodgers93]

I'm really helping somebody out there may have felt the same as me that can talk some sense into me (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone).

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with a much longed for baby after 7 miscarriages and 9 years of trying.

I don't feel anything.

I'm not sure if I'm suffering some kind of PTSD from all the trauma of miscarriages and surgeries but I just feel sad. So sad.

I've been so ill throughout pregnancy, I'm still sick, I have a tension migraine a few times a week to the point I can't lift my head off the pillow and have had a referral to St George's neurology which petrifies me as I spent 6 weeks doing a 2 hour round trip to will my Nana to pull through after she had a brain haemorrhage at 62. I don't enjoy food. I haven't been to work since I was 7 weeks.

When I have scans, it feels like I'm watching somebody else's baby on the scan. My DH stares in wonder and after, can't stop looking at the photos and talking about her.

I cry every day, I barely go and see friends anymore, I don't find joy in anything.

All of my friends and family are beyond excited as they know what our journey has been and how difficult it has been to get this far.

I go on social media and it's all cute photos of Mum's posing with their bumps, lovely hair and make up. My once thick and shiny hair is now greasy every day and my normally clear skin is spotty and dull.

I'm already on citalopram for depression (was diagnosed in my early teens). I find some kind of enjoyment in knowing she's okay, as in a sense of relief when I see her on the scan before I become disassociated again or when I feel her kick but that's as far as it goes.

I'm under the perinatal mental health team due to always suffering anxiety and depression due to a childhood surrounded by sexual abuse and my Mum's drug and alcohol addiction and I have an appointment Tuesday but I'm terrified to say how I really feel in case social services get involved when she's born or remove her.

I don't want her to come to any harm, I want her to keep growing well and be safe but I can't actually ever see me taking this baby home.

I so desperately wanted a healthy and happy 9 months, I wanted to wear lovely maternity clothes and show off my bump. Instead, I just about make sure I shower every day and brush my teeth. I feel like I'm mourning a pregnancy I'll never have as I'm certain I will never be pregnant again.

Please somebody tell me I'm not an awful person or Mum. I hate that I feel like I'm failing her already.

Original post was meant to say "I'm really hoping" not "I'm really helping".

You're not awful. I didn't bond with my daughter until she was born. I cried silent tears of relief as she was born.

The perinatal team are ideally placed to help you. Please talk to them. How you feel is so normal for women who've had such a rocky road.

Here if you want to message privately x

OP it sounds like perinatal depression. Speak to your midwife - and relax, it’s so early, we are sold a picture of eternal love from the moment we see the 2 lines show up in the pregnancy test and it just isn’t true at all

You're not awful. You've got depression. Tell the mh team how awful you're feeling and get some help.

I didn't bond with either of mine until after their births. With ds that wasn't even immediately, it took me weeks. With dd is was instantaneous on first sight. They're 21 and 17 now, I couldn't love them more.

I had two miscarriages before my second DD and can relate to a lot of what you are saying, I can’t imagine what it must be like for you after 9. I didn’t even think about loving my unborn DD…it was literally like trying to get through each day of the pregnancy and like you, I couldn’t imagine taking a baby home, I think this was a defence mechanism as I’d convinced myself that I wouldn’t be taking a baby home and I’d lose her as well. It was a horrible pregnancy, I was consumed by dread and anxiety. HOWEVER, now she’s here (she’s 1) I adore her, she gives me so much joy and the day she was born and I actually got to hold her was the best of my life. So I think after losses this is normal but isn’t necessarily a reflection of how you’ll feel once they are here. Big hugs

Oh OP please don't be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you're scared to love the baby. Seek some professional help like pp suggested so you're not alone. You'll be an amazing Mummy 💐

PS I used to get really angry and pissed off (inside) when other people got excited about my pregnancy as I was just thinking about all the things that could go wrong

You’re not an awful mother. It completely natural and you need to continue voicing your anxieties - it’s completely normal

i conceived our daughter after many miscarriages and then losing our son just after birth at 18 weeks. I became pregnant again 10 months after losing our son and was so sick for the first three months (this was expected going by previous pregnancies) then didn’t leave the house for two months because in all honesty I had a breakdown and thought I would kill the baby unless I stayed at home. Anyway a lot more happened throughout the pregnancy but I didn’t feel the love until I held my baby in my arms.

I think after so many losses it’s difficult to believe something good will happen to you, that your baby will be here safe and healthy and that is why a lot of women become detached from their pregnancies, very much a self defence mechanism

Hey I have 5 children and I have felt nothing till they were all born, as bad as that sounds! It's very bizarre but everything came to me as soon as they were born every time.

I have PTSD but nothing baby related. My immediate thought is, could it be that you've distanced yourself from the baby to protect yourself from hurting after the loss of your previous pregnancies? Like, you're scared to bond with baby because it will hurt too much if anything bad happened again? Maybe when baby is here, you're holding her in your arms, you'll be able to accept that this baby made it, she's real, she's here and she's safe.

Be kind to yourself op. You've been through a hell of a lot. It'll come to you, in time. Please speak to someone in the meantime. Baby is safe where she is, time to look after yourself and get yourself safe, secure and happy mentally in time for her arrival ❤️

I felt no bond at all with my DC until they were born, so please don't worry too much about that

Please do engage with professional supports. They are there to help you and the baby

Oh bless you OP, please don’t give yourself a hard time about this. It’s so normal. You are 22 weeks pregnant, and are navigating all the hormones, exhaustion , anxiety… you have had such a traumatic time, you are probably terrified of losing this baby too and disassociating is how you protect yourself. You are protecting yourself to protect your baby. You don’t need to feel anything else right now, you just need to get through. Sooo many women haven’t bonded with their babies by 22 weeks - in my experience it barely feels real at that stage. You haven’t even met your baby yet. Just take it easy and be kind to yourself, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, you are normal!!! Not every woman enjoys being pregnant- I personally hated it lol. So did most of the women I know tbh. It’s not all lovely maternity wear and glowing skin. Sending so much love to you. You are doing amazing, more than half way there now 💪🏻

I didn't feel any particular bond to my first when I was pregnant. The scans I wanted them to be ok but certainly didn't gush with emotion or excitement like you see on TV. Even when my son was born it took me a while to love him rather than just feel an overwhelming sense of duty to keep him safe. He's nearly three now and he's great and I love him more and more as he gets older. I'm pregnant now with my second and I feel more attachment this time around, but I think more so the excitement of knowing what the baby will become rather than what they are now in my belly, if that makes sense? But do speak to your mental health team. I told the midwives I didn't feel a bond when they asked rather than lie, and they did seem taken aback. But I do think some people just say what they think everyone wants to hear because they are expected to behave in a certain way.

Please do speak to people about it - they won't take your baby away but I can see that with the awful start you had in life that having a baby could be a scary prospect. It does sound like you are depressed and healthcare professionals will understand that doesn't mean you can't care for your baby properly,

Please don't worry about how much 'love' you feel for your child now, or even just after they're born - not everyone gets the 'huge rush of love' when their baby is born; I didn't with either of mine but I still knew I loved them.

Didn't feel love for my baby until a few days after the birth

Speak to the perinatal team. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in my teens and citalopram was useless to me even after a few years, just made me a zombie. I still felt the same inside. I resisted taking anything else for a long time, but sertraline was life changing for perinatal and postnatal health for me, both times :) For me, it just enhances my life to what I imagine other people feel like normally. I still have highs and lows, but I love, feel joy, and sadness and anxiety when appropriate.

I didn't bond with baby 1 for a while, but baby 2 was instant (I'd restarted my sertraline late in pregnancy with her after trying to avoid it). I looked like crap both times too, pregnancy hormones do crazy things to skin, hair, weight. Don't worry about that when you're growing a person.

I could never comprehend any of my babies until they were delivered. It's more usual than not, especially when you have a history of baby loss and trauma.

But you need help, because it doesn't magically change after the birth. Newborns are just a sweet kind of exhaustion and if that hollowness is affecting you now, you could be very vulnerable at the point when you expect it all to come together.

The feelings you are looking for will be there one day, but it all takes longer than we think and the perinatal teams are expert. If you can engage now, you'll be in the best place for the rest of your pregnancy and maternity.

Not loving your baby when your pregnant or even for the first few weeks is entirely normal for many people. Please do be honest with the mental health team, I saw ours after the birth of my first and in the run up to having my second. They were lovely, non judgmental and really helped.

BTW - we hear a lot about PND but depression in pregnancy is actually more common that PND. Pregnancy is such a difficult time.

I had perinatal depression with my second. I didn't love him, I couldn't believe he was really going to arrive and I just wanted him out. I remember saying to a doctor that I'd maybe feel better if I could cut a window in my stomach and actually see him. They referred me to a psychiatrist after that. I was definitely depressed but thankfully the minute he arrive I knew I adored him. He was tiny and ugly and beautiful and mine. This might not be exactly what happens for you but maybe it will help. He's 16 now and I adore him more than ever. Big love to you.

I didn't get the gush, and it's not uncommon speaking about it. I had a mmc, then a traumatic pregnancy with DTs we all nearly died, it's not abnormal bit a symptom of trauma. You'll ghetto there in your own time

Sending you love OP. You are doing brilliantly if you feel like this and you are still mainly managing to have a shower and get to the appointments and put one foot in front of the other. You should be proud of yourself! And after all that history it’s no wonder this is hard for you. Please do explain to someone who can look after you. It does sound like you might have perinatal depression and it’s strong and brave of you to say what you’ve said here. Get help. No one will judge you and you might feel better.

if it’s helpful I loved my babies after they were born but didn’t feel much for them in utero to be honest. I disliked being pregnant and didn’t feel at all radiant - esp with my first. It was easier with other pregnancies because even though I still didn’t like it I could see that there would be better days and it would be worth it. so you may also be imagining what people without your history feel and comparing yourself to that unnecessarily harshly.

you’re looking after her and you, and from the sounds of it you care about that. Which is the main thing. You aren’t failing her. Quite the opposite. Be kind to yourself! It’s hard at the best of times x

I don't know anything about the depression side, but I just wanted to say that it's completely normal to feel nothing for your unborn baby. Not everyone is in love with them at that point. For some people, they don't until the baby is born and is a bit older.
I've had 3 babies and never loved any of them until they were born.

My first child was ivf after years of ttc. I was terrified throughout the pregnancy that I wouldn’t go full term, that the baby would die etc. I think I didn’t bond with her because I ‘knew’ that I was going to lose her. The moment she was born though I was filled with love. Do you think you could be disassociating because of a similar fear after all those miscarriages and sadness?

Your baby will not get taken away if you disclose how you really feel. Please talk to them and let them help you OP. You sound like me, with the exception of pregnancy loss. I’ve got a similar background, had a similar pregnancy and felt similar to how you say you feel. I got through it with the right support and now I have a happy healthy toddler that I love to bits. You will get through this too. Don’t be surprised if the feelings of love don’t come immediately after the baby is born. That’s totally normal even for women that haven’t struggled as much as we have. It may take some time, but it will come.