I don't love my unborn baby

[jammydodgers93]

I'm really helping somebody out there may have felt the same as me that can talk some sense into me (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone).

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with a much longed for baby after 7 miscarriages and 9 years of trying.

I don't feel anything.

I'm not sure if I'm suffering some kind of PTSD from all the trauma of miscarriages and surgeries but I just feel sad. So sad.

I've been so ill throughout pregnancy, I'm still sick, I have a tension migraine a few times a week to the point I can't lift my head off the pillow and have had a referral to St George's neurology which petrifies me as I spent 6 weeks doing a 2 hour round trip to will my Nana to pull through after she had a brain haemorrhage at 62. I don't enjoy food. I haven't been to work since I was 7 weeks.

When I have scans, it feels like I'm watching somebody else's baby on the scan. My DH stares in wonder and after, can't stop looking at the photos and talking about her.

I cry every day, I barely go and see friends anymore, I don't find joy in anything.

All of my friends and family are beyond excited as they know what our journey has been and how difficult it has been to get this far.

I go on social media and it's all cute photos of Mum's posing with their bumps, lovely hair and make up. My once thick and shiny hair is now greasy every day and my normally clear skin is spotty and dull.

I'm already on citalopram for depression (was diagnosed in my early teens). I find some kind of enjoyment in knowing she's okay, as in a sense of relief when I see her on the scan before I become disassociated again or when I feel her kick but that's as far as it goes.

I'm under the perinatal mental health team due to always suffering anxiety and depression due to a childhood surrounded by sexual abuse and my Mum's drug and alcohol addiction and I have an appointment Tuesday but I'm terrified to say how I really feel in case social services get involved when she's born or remove her.

I don't want her to come to any harm, I want her to keep growing well and be safe but I can't actually ever see me taking this baby home.

I so desperately wanted a healthy and happy 9 months, I wanted to wear lovely maternity clothes and show off my bump. Instead, I just about make sure I shower every day and brush my teeth. I feel like I'm mourning a pregnancy I'll never have as I'm certain I will never be pregnant again.

Please somebody tell me I'm not an awful person or Mum. I hate that I feel like I'm failing her already.

Hi OP

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I cried every day in my first pregnancy. I thought I'd ruined my life. I resented every single symptom. I called the baby 'it' even though I knew the sex. I drank and had other risky behaviour. I'm not proud of any of this but looking back I think I had pre natal depression.

I did bond with my baby straight away. However my second, I didnt bond for the first few months (v difficult baby). Either way, in the end, none of it matters in the here and now, neither relationship has suffered, both relationships are their own thing and have nothing to do with what happened with hormones and other shit years ago.

I had a straightforward conception and a (medically) straightforward pregnancy. I cant imagine what you've gone though but it's likely your brains clever way of trying to protect you from more harm.

It will be ok, you've been really strong to get this far. But it's ok to have mixed emotions about pregnancy and its ok to need some extra help. Please reach out

I don't think I felt real love towards my son until he was a few months old. Definitely didn't experience the picture perfect pregnancy, and my first words when he was born and placed on me were 'oh, weird'. I was pleased that he was healthy and things went well, but I thought there was something wrong with me for not feeling that 'rush of love' that some people feel. I couldn't love him more now, 22 months in. Don't put any pressure on yourself or compare yourself to others. PANDAS uk are wonderful if you'd like to talk to someone who understands outside of the perinatal team. Take care x

I had prenatal depression. Baby was absolutely wanted (I'd had fertility treatment) and was my first successful pregnancy after three miscarriages but I was just in a grey fog that felt like a weight.

I mentioned it to my health visitor who supported me well through it.

I think in my case I couldn't bring myself to believe that my pregnancy would result in a baby after the losses I'd been through so something deep down stopped me looking forward to having the baby and to bonding properly with them.

When DD was born it was like a switch was flicked and I immediately felt better and I absolutely loved her.

Speak to your GP, HV or midwife.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please tell the perinatal team how you feel. No-one will judge and no one take your baby from you - they'll just want to help. I felt like this during pregnancy and my biggest regret was not asking for help sooner. I ended up in hospital for mental health reasons right before DC was born - but I remember the kind nurse in A&E reassuring me that they wouldn't take the baby away. I then got some much needed support for depression and things slowly but surely got better.

If it helps, I went from feeling like you did to having two DC who I love more than anything in the world. It didn't happen immediately but it will come in time. You're not an awful mum - you're doing amazing. Pregnancy is so hard as it is without everything else you've had to deal with. Please, please tell the team how you are feeling and let them support you. You could also try looking for some local charities that offer perinatal mental health support - there are some amazing organisations out there. Try the Maternal Mental Health Alliance for some more info: maternalmentalhealthalliance.org/resources/mums-and-families/

I'm glad we are helping, do reach out, it won't be anything they haven't heard before and they absolutely aren't looking to take babies away, but prenatal depression is a risk for postnatal depression, so better get some help and support now.

By the way, like others here, I didn't feel love the first time I saw my first baby, I just thought 'oh' and had a cup of tea and toast. I didn't properly bond with her, as in feel in love til about 10 months. I did care for her though.

I didn't really feel anything for my son until he was born, even then I don't think I really fell in love with him for a few weeks. I was desperate for him to be okay and not to lose the pregnancy but I couldn't really believe there was a baby inside me and that he was my child. I'm currently 5 months pregnant and don't feel a whole lot for this baby yet either, except again wanting everything to be okay. I have difficult pregnancies and really don't enjoy being pregnant. I spend the whole time counting down until it's over. None of this makes me a bad mum. You'll love your baby once she's here and you've had some time to get to know her. She's a stranger right now.

Sorry to hear you feel like this, I felt similarly and had several losses prior to a successful pregnancy (Although I don’t have your background or any depression) I think it’s a type of coping mechanism if you have experienced miscarriage - you’re too terrified to be happy, attached, excited and in love incase the worst happens. I couldn’t relax and felt anxious until I could hold my son and even then he was in nicu. During the pregnancy, which was healthy I never thought I would bring him home. I couldn’t even bring myself to throw away the electronic ovulation test thing incase something happened to him - still have it now. Didn’t want to buy any baby stuff until the last minute and didn’t want a baby shower. Work did one for me and I genuinely thought it would be bad luck so I didn’t go. You don’t need to post on social media or any of those things.

There’s isn’t a cure for this and although it might not be ‘normal’ it is completely understandable response to pregnancy loss.

Also please remember that you might not fall in love with your baby the moment you meet her. I had emergency c-section and he was in nicu. I couldn’t bond instantly - painkillers, stress from the birth and not being able to spend the time I wanted with him. Again, this is normal. You are strangers meeting for the first time, so do not let that get you down if you don’t experience the ‘instant love’ that some mums do get.

Stay strong, try and keep healthy if you can - the weeks will fly by and you will be welcoming the most precious gift life gives 🥰

When I was pregnant with my dd after a loss I was numb. Then when she was born I realised I was amazed utterly astounded she was alive and here. It was shocking. All through the pregnancy I hadn't allowed myself to think she would be ok. Then there she was. My OH said that when the midwife put her on to my chest I said "it's a baby." I was in such a state of almost denial. Self preservation.

I had 2 misscarrages 1st was early before 12 week scan after bleeding, 2nd I bled and had scans all good but then misscarried around 12 weeks followed up with a D&C. All pretty trumatic. 3rd prefnancy bled again, thought here we go again had various scans looked OK, felt sick throughout and bled throughout. A very traumatic birth followed by a stay in hospital and an operation. Throughout the pregnancy I could never bond with my unborn DD as I was in constant fear of another loss. However, once you have that baby in your arms and once you start getting big, (like a whale I was) and you can properly feel the baby moving round it will help and you will strart to relax. For me the further I got down the pregnancy I knew that if I was to go into labour the baby was more likely to survive and so my wall of defence of not accepting the pregnancy did change DD is now 9!

Roll on 4th pregnancy same again bleeding, neumerous scans, baby had enlarged bladder we were reffered to a specialist. They commented on how relaxed I was about it all and laughing and being very 'normal'. It was me subconsciously not accepting the pregnancy. We didn't even tell anyone inc DD until I was 20 weeks.
2nd birth I was induced before term amazingly quick birth, and DS is now a happy, healthy 2-year-old.
I love both my children dearly, and you will too, it just takes time. Don't be ashamed, it's really quite normal how you feel with everything you have been through it really helps to talk about it. Especially after the baby is born, dont be ashamed of how you felt in pregnacy.

I often comment on what it would be like to have an amazing 1st pregnancy followed by others which all resulted in happy healthy children, one of those pregnacys where they share photos of their scans and are beaming with joy sharing the news at 6 weeks gone! That would never happen for me as I know Id always have that doubt and so never allow myself to bond so early.

On a lighter note please get as much sleep as you can and enjoy your baby free time and being able to do what you what whenever you want. Recharge your batteries before your little baby comes along. Congratulations you will be a great mum ❤️

I have been there. Believe me my love, I have.

I wanted my daughter when I was TTC so badly, she was a longed for baby. But I felt so sick all the way through. I booked for 3 terminations I think it was but didn't have the guts to go through with them. As I knew I deep down I did want the baby, I just didn't want to be pregnant anymore. It was a horrible horrible time. I was admitted to hospital and referred to the perinatal mental health team, I am ashamed to say I used to hit my stomach and say I wish this baby would die. It was a dark dark time. My toddler overheard and said I don't want the baby to die mummy cos then I won't have a brother or sister. That stuck with me, and now she's 1 and she annoys the hell out of her but he adores her and vice versa. I think the pregnancy did contribute to my relationship breaking down (we'd been together 10 years) as it was tough on all of us. We're slowly trying to start again after being broken up since she was 3 months old - she's now 15 months.

I refused to take antidepressants during my pregnancy though as I said it would make me feel even more sick. I ended up with severe PND and was almost admitted to a unit. I am sad to say I didn't bond with her immediately - it took around 3 months. I barely remember her being a newborn as I was in a dark place.

But suddenly the sun starts to peep through. I saw her huge eyes one day and thought this little being is so vulnerable and innocent and she needs me. We went to baby groups, I did baby massage through my perinatal mental health team which was a nice bonding exercise, took my antidepressants, and it was a slow process but I got there.

I'll try to find a thread I started when I was pregnant to show the likeness. There is light at the end of the tunnel xx

You aren't a terrible person, your mind is just protecting itself in the only way it knows how. Which might not be the way you'd want it to, but hey.

I had my son after two miscarriages, and five years of fertility treatment. While I was pregnant, I remember people asking me if I was excited about the baby, and me just feeling completely disconnected from the idea of excitement because I was fundamentally convinced I wouldn't actually end up with a baby. It was genuinely quite baffling to me when I did in fact have an actual baby, and I didn't feel any of the rush of love stuff right at the beginning - it wasn't until he was about three months old that I suddenly went 'Whoa! I actually DO really love you!' in my head. (Prior to that I quite regularly fretted that I might somehow end up dropping him out of the window - not that I had any desire or intention to do any such thing, but once he was born the belief that something would go wrong morphed into to a belief that perhaps I would be the thing that went wrong.) Anyway, he's nearly three now, he's fab, and I have yet to drop him out of any windows so all good!

I felt nothing at all and treated all of my pregnancies like an illness. Second pregnancy felt more real because I had learnt from the first. I was too shocked at the birth to feel anything at first, my love developed over time and grew naturally. I was a brilliant parent and mother (she is 18 now) and you will be too ❤️

Try to relax, trust yourself, eat well, exercise and keep her well and safe. See some friends if you have the energy ( I didn’t) and enjoy your pregnancy 💐💐

Op you been through so much it's no wonder you are struggling don't feel guilty you feel this way but as others said get help, your baby won't be taken off you, it's really understandable that you feel this way but don't suffer in silence 💐

I'm not sure how to link it on the app but the thread "considering abortion at 19 weeks.." by intheloudhouse if you search for it is me xx

Being pregnant is really really really shit OP. I felt the same and have my 3 month old here now, I love him lots, but I found it tricky even for the first few weeks. You are totally normal but if struggling definitely seek some help - I do wish I had

I went through five years of miscarriages and IVF to have my first. I didn't feel anything, I don't think I dared let myself feel anything as I couldn't have coped with another loss.

I bonded one afternoon when he was 8 weeks old. I remember thinking on that day that if anything happened to him now I'll never ever recover again.

I love him so much. He's a six foot hairy twenty something now.

Op, I was wondering if I would love my baby the day before he was born. Felt nothing and I wasn't carrying any of the trauma you are describing.
Your process of falling in love with your child might be more convoluted than some, but it will be all the sweeter when you get there (and you will). The way you feel sounds entirely understandable given the context. When you are ready and able you'll feel the love, meanwhile allow others to carry you on with their joy and look after yourself as best you can. Ask for and take any help you can to feel supported and loved and not judged. Xx

What I got from your post is that you are terrified and after all you’ve been through I’m not surprised. Subconsciously I don’t think you’re letting yourself love this baby because you think something will go wrong. After so many losses you can’t believe this is happening and can’t possibly see it having a happy ending. All of which is completely understandable.
I can’t even begin to imagine how it’s been for you. Suffering like you have would make anyone feel the same way you do. The thing is it’s not unfixable. I really think the best thing you can do is talk to as many people who you trust as you can. Share your fears and anxieties and also talk to your gp,midwife and the mental health team and be completely honest with them. It will help you.
I have no doubt that you will adore your baby when they’re born but you will have certain things that will worry you,all mums do,so you need some back up. If the professionals helping you are more aware of how you’re feeling and may feel in the future they should make sure you get all the support you need.
I really hope you start to soon feel better and have a safe delivery for you and your little one x

I didn't feel a bond when pregnant. I felt excited but not love. Even when ds was born I didn't feel a surge, but I felt incredibly protective of him.

Sometimes pregnancy is shit. You've also had a lot of shit thrown at you. You sound very self aware though so if things don't improve I'm sure you'll do what's right for you and your baby and get help.

I felt exactly the same with mine until they were born. Try not to worry. Speak with your healthcare

This was me!! I said hello to her! I was convinced all through my pregnancy I couldn't be so lucky to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I agree with self preservation!

And SO many new mums believe all the hype and thus inadvertently add to it. The number of times I was at some baby class or other and a fellow new mum was gushing about how wonderful it all was and life's so perfect now... And I'd reply that I loved baby to bits but to be honest was finding xyz tough, only for them to look so relieved and reveal a bit more honestly that yes they were finding abc pretty hard and thank goodness I said that etc... Everyone is so keen to look the part cos they all think they're the only one struggling.
But new motherhood isn't like the advert images, it's incredible and rewarding and intense in so many ways, and tiring and physically transformative and lots of other things as well.

So your experience is as valid as the next, and your story will one day be the story of your Renaissance, of falling in love and starting to leave behind trauma and begin a new era, but it's a story that's still being written, but you'll get there. Take it slow and don't heap disappointment on yourself, you're doing an amazing job getting through each day. 💐

If your DH falls in love first and you take longer that's ok too. He can carry you both through that. When my dc1 was born my DH took 9 months to fall in love, I just held the space for him and waited. It isn't instant for everyone and wasn't for him, but he stood by us practically speaking though he felt nothing other than duty, and we gave him time, and he's the best dad in the world now. 💕

I have 5 children and I didn’t feel love for any of them until they were actually born. I assumed this was normal?

Honestly it didn't feel real when I was pregnant and I didn't feel love for the baby. Then I had a less than ideal labour that ended in an emergency c section. Baby got taken to NICU. I didn't feel that immediate love people talk about. However once we got home and started living life I just looked her one day and thought God I bloody love you and now it is the most natural love in the world. Please don't worry and don't put pressure on yourself.