I don't love my unborn baby

[jammydodgers93]

I'm really helping somebody out there may have felt the same as me that can talk some sense into me (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone).

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with a much longed for baby after 7 miscarriages and 9 years of trying.

I don't feel anything.

I'm not sure if I'm suffering some kind of PTSD from all the trauma of miscarriages and surgeries but I just feel sad. So sad.

I've been so ill throughout pregnancy, I'm still sick, I have a tension migraine a few times a week to the point I can't lift my head off the pillow and have had a referral to St George's neurology which petrifies me as I spent 6 weeks doing a 2 hour round trip to will my Nana to pull through after she had a brain haemorrhage at 62. I don't enjoy food. I haven't been to work since I was 7 weeks.

When I have scans, it feels like I'm watching somebody else's baby on the scan. My DH stares in wonder and after, can't stop looking at the photos and talking about her.

I cry every day, I barely go and see friends anymore, I don't find joy in anything.

All of my friends and family are beyond excited as they know what our journey has been and how difficult it has been to get this far.

I go on social media and it's all cute photos of Mum's posing with their bumps, lovely hair and make up. My once thick and shiny hair is now greasy every day and my normally clear skin is spotty and dull.

I'm already on citalopram for depression (was diagnosed in my early teens). I find some kind of enjoyment in knowing she's okay, as in a sense of relief when I see her on the scan before I become disassociated again or when I feel her kick but that's as far as it goes.

I'm under the perinatal mental health team due to always suffering anxiety and depression due to a childhood surrounded by sexual abuse and my Mum's drug and alcohol addiction and I have an appointment Tuesday but I'm terrified to say how I really feel in case social services get involved when she's born or remove her.

I don't want her to come to any harm, I want her to keep growing well and be safe but I can't actually ever see me taking this baby home.

I so desperately wanted a healthy and happy 9 months, I wanted to wear lovely maternity clothes and show off my bump. Instead, I just about make sure I shower every day and brush my teeth. I feel like I'm mourning a pregnancy I'll never have as I'm certain I will never be pregnant again.

Please somebody tell me I'm not an awful person or Mum. I hate that I feel like I'm failing her already.

I didn't bond with mine when I was carrying them only after birth. No reason, I didn't know you were supposed to and pregnancy made me feel quite ill and stressed . I think I was lucky giving birth just before social media so I didn't know you were supposed to be stroking your belly and being all gooey over a baby you had never met. I think talking honestly with your team about prenatal depression is the way forward here but don't be too hard on yourself, it's hard to bond with a baby you haven't seen or had any contact with and even then it can take time!

OP, I’m currently just under 39 weeks pregnant. As far as I’m concerned baby is an uncomfortable bump that has made me feel absolutely awful for the past nine months, I would undoubtedly be incredibly upset if anything bad happened to him but I don’t love him yet. I felt exactly the same way about DD - to me she just wasn’t a real person until she was here. And then when she was here I suffered from post natal depression so I wasn’t able to enjoy the happy newborn picture you’re sold.

DD is now two and she is by far the most wonderful, joyous, important thing in my life. I love her so, so much and can’t imagine ever being happy without her. For lots of women like me it takes time to feel that way - and I hadn’t had half the struggles it sounds like you are having. I’m sure I will love this new baby the same way eventually but after having it take a while the first time I know that the pressure to feel that way immediately doesn’t help.

So don’t worry that just because the love hasn’t kicked in yet means it won’t, don’t beat yourself for not feeling how you ‘should’ feel. Give it time, make sure you are getting the mental health help you need and deserve and it will come. The baby isn’t born and even when it is it won’t know if you don’t immediately feel a bond. Just take care of yourself for now and try to let go of the perfect picture you’re trying to fit into.

You are not awful at all @jammydodgers93 I actually wrote a very similar post to yours under a different name when I was pregnant with my dd 3 years ago.

I felt nothing. I was waiting for this love to come when I felt the kicks, when I felt her move, when I seen her on the screen but, the closer the date came the more I worried because like you, I didn't want anything to happen to her, but still didn’t have this overwhelming feeling of love that most people talk about.

I got some amazing advice on here that has never left me. Someone mentioned to me that the love mite not come instantly when she got here either and that was normal too, but it would come and I’m so glad someone told me this. It did come eventually and kept getting stronger as the days went on and it still grows everyday. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

Please speak to your midwife. Stay on the antidepressants, it’s what’s best for you both. You are not wrong in anyway to feel the way you do. Things will work out. Sending you a big hug 🤗 x

Took me a few days after birth. I remember looking at the first baby and thinking, Hell they are expecting me to take him home. He was just a wrinkled little baby. But once home we did much better.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Relax and enjoy the process.

Oh op, I could have, and indeed probably did write this exact post in 2018.

I had the same losses as you, also had 2 IVF cycles which failed twice.

I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, would not discuss it. Did not buy a single thing.

I wrote a letter to DH the night before my ELC, that was considered safest way for her to arrive given the history.

It essentially said I won't be coming home. Because either baby dies or I do.

We did come home, but I became very unwell, because I had not addressed the anxiety from the losses. I very quick, during covid, fell pregnant again, and had a second dd.

Again, never told anyone.

If I had my time again, I would get some counselling where you are, because, I made the mistake of thinking it would go away if baby was ok, and it didn't, because they arrive with an entire bundle of new worries.

I felt like this, if someone had said (without the trauma of miscarriage) that I wasn't actually pregnant anymore, I wouldn't have been bothered.

I don't think I actually loved her until she was well past 1. I felt like she wasn't really mine and like you, the scans felt like watching something on TV.

She's 10 now and we are so so close. I adore her!!

I did seek help, my doctor was incredibly unhelpful but you already have access to the right people. Take that help. I wish I had pushed for more!

I didn’t bond with any of my 4 children until after they were born. I remember with my first thinking that she was a lovely baby when I first held her, but she could have been anyone’s and I would have thought the same. I fell in love with her a few hours later, at night when the ward was quiet and peaceful. It just happened. With the others it was within minutes of the birth.

Honestly, it’s not abnormal to not bond until after delivery. Please just keep engaging with your mental health team and ask for any help you need. They will want you to succeed in being a happy, healthy mother. X

You mentioned you’re under the Perinatal Mental Health Team - have you disclosed this to them? Please do if you haven’t - they are the experts for this and have a range of different professionals who can work with you to help you overcome this and can help amend your medication if needed

You’ve done nothing wrong and clearly have had a truly challenging journey to get to where you are. It’s no surprise you’re overwhelmed and struggling, use the support of the teams you have.

Wishing you all the best

You haven’t had the chance to get to know your baby yet. Do you know what makes them laugh, cry, favourite song or food. Have you kissed their bruises better or cut toast into triangles because they like it that way. I agree with other posts that you possibly have pre natal depression but also take a step back and realise that love can grow not appear in an instant.
My lovely friend has several children and one of them she didn’t feel that rush of love for for a couple of years. She is a great mum she just needed to get to know him.

I'm so overwhelmed with relief hearing all of your experiences but at the same time I'm sad for you all who've suffered this too, and my heart goes out to you all who've lost a child.

I keep thinking of my Mum and how my upbringing was until my Nana and Grandad took me in when I was 7 and gave me the best childhood. They both died in their 60s when I was 20 and 26 and I wish they were still here as I feel like they're the only people I know who wouldn't judge me.

I KNOW deep down that I'll never be my Mum, I've never had an addiction and I've got a good job and a lovely home with my DH who is supportive and kind and just a great person (and it makes me feel sad that I feel ashamed to admit this all to him) although he knows I'm struggling with feeling so ill all of the time.

It feels like May is so far away and I think a lot of you are right, I feel like she'll be snatched from me, either her or I will die and all of this would have been pointless so to speak.

I will talk to the team on Tuesday, they've all been lovely and supportive although I haven't opened up like I have tonight through fear they'll take her but I agree I think I need to get help before she's actually here and a new arrival of hormones and worries come into play.

Thank you all so much xx

I felt like this. I'm sure it was a defence mechanism because I was so convinced I would never meet this baby. Convinced something terrible would happen. I was diagnosed with perinatal anxiety and depression. I was on anti depressants and had talking therapy throughout my pregnancy. Don't suffer, you don't have to. Talk to someone, get help. There is so much out there.

Also just to reassure you that they will not take her away from you if you reveal you are struggling with your emotions. Your history makes it clear how much your baby is longed for and wanted - this is a temporary struggle and they can see that and will help you overcome it.

Both times I was pregnant it was just a bump and tbh, I always found it a bit odd that it moved by itself.

With my first even after he was born, he was just a tiny stranger, I felt responsible for looking after him - but I didn’t feel like love till a few weeks in.

So while it does sound like you could do with some support, not yet loving what is still an abstract person is fairly normal.

I felt very disconnected with my daughter before she was born and I didn't go through any of the traumatic experiences you have had.

Right up until she was born I could only really think about her in abstract and kept referring to her as 'it' , 'the baby', 'the fetus 'or 'the pregnancy'

If I'm totally honest I still find it very hard to connect my amazing cheeky little toddler with the bump I carried around and I don't feel much about her prebirth scan photos etc.

If I was to really analze I'd say its because I'm a pessimist and I spent the whole pregnancy assuming something would go wrong and I wouldn't have a baby.

She's here now though and she's great, how I felt before didn't affect our bonding in the slightest and I'm sure you will love your little girl to the ends of the earth and back the moment you hold the tiny little person you've made and feel secure in the knowledge she is safe and going home with you

It could be a bit of self preservation too. I had many rounds of ivf and when I finally got pregnant I wanted to hide away and not tell anyone and I didn't actually believe it until he arrived and I held him in my arms. I was so certain something would happen. It makes me really sad looking back that I wasn't able to enjoy being pregnant.

I don’t bond with my babies in the womb. I didn’t ‘love’ DD until she was about 2 days old I think, probably coincides with the milk hormones! Needless to say she’s the centre of my universe now! Same with this baby - currently 28 weeks and don’t actually feel anything when I think about ‘him’. I’m not worried about it, I’ve heard friends say similar and I think it’s quite normal.

I don’t think the pregnancy Insta, ‘love you so much already baby boy/girl’ posts help. I remember one friend posting a lot about how much she loved her unborn son, then confiding to me when he was a few months old that she worried throughout her pregnancy as she didn’t feel much for him!

Just take it one day at a time, looking after your unborn baby is just looking after you at the moment x

I was terrified about something going wrong. I didn't tell close friends or family until after 20 weeks (except my parents), and I didn't tell other people at all. I tried not to get too excited about the baby and didnt even buy essentials until the last couple of weeks, my husband had to go home while I was in the hospital to assemble the basinet. I think I was just trying to protect myself. Until I actually held my baby, then I felt relief. I'm so expert by any means but you are probably doing similar

I didn't bond with mine until I met them. And I don't think any of my friends did either. This was back in the late '80s before social media turned everyone into sentimental emoters!

I honestly don't understand the whole love of the 'not yet born child' that I see around me these days. I actually enjoyed being pregnant, so it wasn't that I felt anything negative. But loving something/someone you've had no interaction with at all, just isn't something I can get my head round. I cared about them of course, and would have been devastated had anything gone wrong. But I didn't 'love' them.

So please don't worry about that aspect of it. Many of those women emoting about loving their foetus are probably just caught up in the sentimentality of it all. It's not real love. How can it be?

I think this can be more common than we think, especially after fertility issues. Took us 4 hears, a mmc and icsi to have our son and the pregnancy was numb for me really. I was anxious all the time and didn't bond. My son is 2.5 now and bonding happened when he was here, he's the best little thing ever and I love him so much. I'm pregnant with my second and again, I don't feel "love" towards this baby either. This time though, I know it'll come so I'm not worried.

You are not at all awful! Everything you’ve told us is entirely understandable, considering your circumstances.

Just keep taking it one day at a time, and keep reaching out, both to professionals and friends (and internet strangers).

A big unmumsnetty hug for you xx

With my first I felt an instant very strong bond and with my second I felt nothing for a long long time. I felt guilty that I didn't have the same bond as the first time. I was a lot sicker second time around and I was just going through the motions.it improved a bit when I could feel kicks and for me it was a really slow process from there. Nothing at all wrong with our bond now. I'm sorry about your losses and the rocky time you've had in your pregnancy. Good luck talking to your team next week. Your baby girl is so lucky already and you're going to be a great mum. If you weren't you wouldn't be worrying about this

You have a lot on your plate.
Be proud of what you are achieving just by growing a person.
Talk to your mental health team. That's what they're there for.
FWIW it is pretty normal not to feel excited and massively connected to your unborn baby, especially when it has been a hard route.
You'll get there. Be kind to yourself.

I felt similar when pg after a m/c, it was like I couldn't allow myself to get excited or visualise a baby in case it went wrong again. At about 35 weeks and looking huge I went shopping for things I would need, I remember pushing an empty trolly around toys are us and not being able to put anything in it, it was so strange. It felt very different once I met my baby and it was all real.

I had HG and I loathed my DCs before they were born. I hated that they were making me so unwell, hated that they were hurting me so much, hated that they were ruining everything for me - I hated them for hating me as much as they clearly must have done in order to do what they were doing to me. I was terrified of having a baby that I hated and that hated me. I didn’t tell anyone because it’s taboo and you’re not “allowed” to feel like that. But I absolutely felt that way. The literal second they were born and the sickness went, I adored them. There’s no connection in my mind at all between that tiny wiggly little human being and the evil sadistic parasite that was trying to kill me. They are entirely separate. There hasn’t been a single second I felt the same about my DCs after the birth as I felt about them during my pregnancies.

You're not awful, not in the slightest. And if you don't get a sudden rush of love that makes the world make sense when your baby arrives, that's normal too. I didn't love my unborn baby because I had never met him. I wanted the best for him, I felt protective of him and wondered what he'd be like when he got here, but not love.
Then when he did arrive, similarly, I took care of him meticulously, was very interested in him and wanted to learn every inch of him, but the love was gradual. He's 2 now and it's a tidal wave of love every day, so it clearly grew, but there was never a thunderclap moment for me.
Your experience might be different again, as might many other mothers', but it might help to hear a range of different stories.