I don't love my unborn baby

[jammydodgers93]

I'm really helping somebody out there may have felt the same as me that can talk some sense into me (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone).

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with a much longed for baby after 7 miscarriages and 9 years of trying.

I don't feel anything.

I'm not sure if I'm suffering some kind of PTSD from all the trauma of miscarriages and surgeries but I just feel sad. So sad.

I've been so ill throughout pregnancy, I'm still sick, I have a tension migraine a few times a week to the point I can't lift my head off the pillow and have had a referral to St George's neurology which petrifies me as I spent 6 weeks doing a 2 hour round trip to will my Nana to pull through after she had a brain haemorrhage at 62. I don't enjoy food. I haven't been to work since I was 7 weeks.

When I have scans, it feels like I'm watching somebody else's baby on the scan. My DH stares in wonder and after, can't stop looking at the photos and talking about her.

I cry every day, I barely go and see friends anymore, I don't find joy in anything.

All of my friends and family are beyond excited as they know what our journey has been and how difficult it has been to get this far.

I go on social media and it's all cute photos of Mum's posing with their bumps, lovely hair and make up. My once thick and shiny hair is now greasy every day and my normally clear skin is spotty and dull.

I'm already on citalopram for depression (was diagnosed in my early teens). I find some kind of enjoyment in knowing she's okay, as in a sense of relief when I see her on the scan before I become disassociated again or when I feel her kick but that's as far as it goes.

I'm under the perinatal mental health team due to always suffering anxiety and depression due to a childhood surrounded by sexual abuse and my Mum's drug and alcohol addiction and I have an appointment Tuesday but I'm terrified to say how I really feel in case social services get involved when she's born or remove her.

I don't want her to come to any harm, I want her to keep growing well and be safe but I can't actually ever see me taking this baby home.

I so desperately wanted a healthy and happy 9 months, I wanted to wear lovely maternity clothes and show off my bump. Instead, I just about make sure I shower every day and brush my teeth. I feel like I'm mourning a pregnancy I'll never have as I'm certain I will never be pregnant again.

Please somebody tell me I'm not an awful person or Mum. I hate that I feel like I'm failing her already.

I think there are two separate points here.

Firstly, sounds like you have serious depression and are taking fantastic steps to move in the right direction. This isn't an easy task but you did it and I hope you continue to receive support and move forward.

Secondly, your feelings towards your unborn baby are completely within the realms of normal for any mother, especially one who has experienced miscarriages. Many friends who have had miscarriages have said the same or similar to me. They are fantastic parents to their children so in and of itself, this is nothing to worry about.

For me, love grew. When I was pregnant, I felt indifferent some of the time but when there were issues I had all the usual parental feelings. I found it hard to feel full love for something that I didn't know was a boy or girl and then later didn't know what they would look or act like. There was love but it wasn't the same. Then every day I feel more overwhelmed with adoration for this amazing person that I'm so lucky to have in my life.

All the best

Oh love, after what you’ve been though I think that’s perfectly understandable. There’s probably a part of you subconsciously trying not to feel anything as a sort of protection because of the losses you’ve experienced.
You’re also experiencing horrible symptoms and don’t as of yet have any of the positive experiences of actually having the baby.

This post is a good thing, you’re talking and getting your feelings out. Way better than squashing your feelings and pretending.

Be gentle and kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up about how you are feeling.

I coildve written this when pregnant with my youngest.
After believing that we would never have this baby, I felt numb my whole pregnancy.
I have MH issues too, lots of health concerns during pregnancy.
This 9 months since his birth have been fab.
The feelings may come flooding in within the first months of her life.

I will say it's common not to bond with the baby when pregnant. I know I didn't. I was too worried and anxious about the 'what ifs'. My partner used to say I never called the baby our baby or my baby..I suednto say "it" or "the baby". It used to bother him but I just didnt bond with the baby. I felt weird talking to the baby in my belly aswell so I never did.

I did however made the most out of my pregnant belly and wore whatever I wanted without worrying I look fat lol

Even when the baby arrived I didnt bond with the baby immediately. I knew I wanted to take care and felt responsible to take care of this tiny helpless being. So many nights I wondered if I made a mistake having a baby.
I used to Google if the feeling was normal. Then I came across one post where someone said it's very common not to bond with baby right away. Most mother doesnt bond with the baby because centuries ago there was high chance babies didnt survive. So mothers brain are wired to protect mothers mental state by being incapable to immediately have love and bond.

However, it does get easier. My baby is 4.5 months and he is honestly my world. When the baby is more active and alert and starts noticing you. That was my case anyways. When he wakes up and smiles at me. I see the love he has for me and I have for the baby.
Doing plenty of skin to skin and perservering with breastfeeding definitely helped with bonding for me. I understand this might not work for others. Having a year off work helped too.
Wish you all the best! Whatever you are feeling is very common and I hope u push through the darker days and come out the other side of eternal love for your baby soon! Wish both you and the baby a healthy and happy journey!

Just to say DD was planned and wanted... so these feeling were dark and strange. BUT I wanted the fetus removed from my body - I felt it was alien - I did not talk about pregnancy - I felt 'less than human' as its not ''normal'' to have being pregnant... I did not nest.. I bought about 3 items (OH bought more.. and my mum went mad for things).. I hated all the touching the talking - everything about it was awful

When DD was born I would not .. could not look at her - I'd hoped for a home birth I hate hospitals.. but ended up with a traumatic experience (I was not ready)

I was left with this hideous thing on me - on my own - unable to sleep - but 8am the next day - when OH came and picked her off me to change her -I was super protective.. and very much in love - the hormones of 'birth' .. the skin to skin - made the connection - she was not 'real' till she was skin side (I found mat leave tricky) but was very much in love with her.

When I had ds.. some of the feelings came back - but I had the knowledge that once he was skin side it would be OK - and the pregnancy was not so bad..

BUT - It is quite normal for some women to feel the way you do - it will not reflect how you are a mother. I wish with hindsight - that I had known about in pregnancy depression (I'm dam sure that is what I had).

If you ever want a chat please PM me x And take care of yourself - it will get better

Don’t suffer in silence op xx

It's just what you've been through, frightened to get close, once your baby is here you will love her x

OP, many MCs and finally have 2 IVF babies here. I was the same, I could not stand to love them until I knew I would not lose them. What you are feeling is very normal for what you have been through, please reach out to your team for help. Sending love and support xxx