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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it any of his business?

112 replies

Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/01/2023 19:46

Ex husband and I broke up in August 2021, we have two kids age 12 and 8. I met someone and introduced them to my kids and met there's in summer 2022 after we had been dating for six months. It didn't work out and we split in December. I have met someone else who seems great, we went on a couple of dates and arranged to meet up with our kids at the end of the Christmas holidays in a local country park. I introduced him to my boys as a friend and we weren't touchy feely or anything with each other. My ex found out through the kids and was not happy. He is annoyed the kids have met two bf in six months and feels I haven't known my bf long enough to introduce him. As I said the kids only know he was a friend, we had a lovely day out and my kids are happy and well looked after. AIBU to think that after 18 months apart it really isn't any of my ex's business and he need to keep out of it? My kids were fine when my last relationship ended.

OP posts:
Sodamncold · 15/01/2023 09:44

Runningonjammiedodgers · 15/01/2023 08:40

Yes it is a reverse.

I posted on mumsnet from my perspective and was told 'leave him to it', 'its unlikely to harm the kids', 'you need to relax on this', 'its not a big deal' and 'it sounds like they had a really fun time'.

Someone did comment though that if it was a woman acting the same way she would have her ass handed to her. And yep, that turned out to be true. My ex hardly sees the kids and now he is bringing them along on dates with him.

What was the point of a reverse?

no one’s opinion would have altered either way 😐 . Not as though we know you or your ex!

Sodamncold · 15/01/2023 09:45

I would love a link to your other thread from your perspective!

strumpert · 15/01/2023 09:46

I thought reverses were banned?

Sodamncold · 15/01/2023 09:49

Runningonjammiedodgers · 15/01/2023 08:40

Yes it is a reverse.

I posted on mumsnet from my perspective and was told 'leave him to it', 'its unlikely to harm the kids', 'you need to relax on this', 'its not a big deal' and 'it sounds like they had a really fun time'.

Someone did comment though that if it was a woman acting the same way she would have her ass handed to her. And yep, that turned out to be true. My ex hardly sees the kids and now he is bringing them along on dates with him.

Every other weekend and a third of holidays isn’t hardly ever

but you say it’s hit and miss

and then you say that you would at least like to him to see them according to what’s been agreed

but then you start threads concerned about how he’s behaving

it seems like on the one hand your concreted but the real issue seems to be you’re pissed off that he doesn’t have the kids more and you suspect due to his love life

autienotnaughty · 15/01/2023 09:50

@Runningonjammiedodgers yep proof we live in a double standard society. Tbf I would have disagreed if it was the man. (My dd have had 3 'step mums')

butterfliedtwo · 15/01/2023 09:56

strumpert · 15/01/2023 09:46

I thought reverses were banned?

They should absolutely be banned.

ittakes2 · 15/01/2023 10:02

If your ex found out about it through the kids your idea to sell him to them as a 'friend' did not really work.

Typo22 · 15/01/2023 10:06

I think you kids probably would have guessed this man was more than just a friend.

I'd feel a bit wary too if I was in your ex-husband's position

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/01/2023 10:09

Runningonjammiedodgers · 15/01/2023 08:40

Yes it is a reverse.

I posted on mumsnet from my perspective and was told 'leave him to it', 'its unlikely to harm the kids', 'you need to relax on this', 'its not a big deal' and 'it sounds like they had a really fun time'.

Someone did comment though that if it was a woman acting the same way she would have her ass handed to her. And yep, that turned out to be true. My ex hardly sees the kids and now he is bringing them along on dates with him.

Ah, normally I hate a reverse but I’ve always REALLY wanted to do this OP when some bloke has been a nob but I’ve never had the balls. I love that you have done that - and it only proves that some posters really are all just about sticking the boot in to the OP to make themselves feel better about their own miserable lives

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/01/2023 10:09

butterfliedtwo · 15/01/2023 09:56

They should absolutely be banned.

Show quote history

I understand why people do experimental reverses though when you try and look at double standards

glitteryDiscoParty · 15/01/2023 10:10

My parents divorced when I was 10 and I was dragged through this nonsense and HATED it. It permanently damaged my relationship with my mum and it's never fully recovered. I swore to myself that I would never inflict this on my children if I ever had any.

My dad met someone else but introduced us a couple of years later and has been married since. No issue with that.

ForFuckSteak · 15/01/2023 10:11

Introducing a new man to your kids after less than one month is completely stupid. Give yourself a good shake.

midlifecrash · 15/01/2023 10:20

Ha! Just shows that a very great deal less is expected of men. Mother introducing bf too soon - DAMAGING. Father introducing gf, oh and her kids, well men are a bit twatty aren’t they.
The low expectations that we as a society have of men really is damaging- to them, to children, to women

roarfeckingroarr · 15/01/2023 11:12

It's really not great OP. Your kids shouldn't have to meet a string of boyfriends. What's the rush? Why do you need to involve them?

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 15/01/2023 11:20

Children are far more astute than given credit for. Its very likely they know he isn't just your friend.

Ultimately, if your ex introduced 2 different girlfriends to your children in 6 months would you be patting him on the back and congratulating him?

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/01/2023 12:26

Guys please at least read all the OP posts. It's a reverse, it is her ex who is doing it. She said shes done the reverse as she got such a different response when she asked if her ex was in the wrong to do likewise. My take is that it is as bad, but will have less impact if it's an EOW NRP than the resident parent, regardless of sex. 4 days out of 30 is pretty minimal parenting.

findmybalance · 15/01/2023 12:35

And this is why reverses are pointless and a waste of everyones time. I will never understand why anyone does them.

Deathbyfluffy · 15/01/2023 12:38

Three weeks between the two men?
That’s far too short to be introducing them, at 12 and 8 your kids will know he’s not just a friend.

YABU

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/01/2023 12:38

I agree with your ex. Why are you introducing your children so quickly? Two in 6 months is unsettling for them.

Deathbyfluffy · 15/01/2023 12:39

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/01/2023 12:26

Guys please at least read all the OP posts. It's a reverse, it is her ex who is doing it. She said shes done the reverse as she got such a different response when she asked if her ex was in the wrong to do likewise. My take is that it is as bad, but will have less impact if it's an EOW NRP than the resident parent, regardless of sex. 4 days out of 30 is pretty minimal parenting.

My response would have been the same from either side - it’s still far too short.

BloaterW1 · 15/01/2023 12:41

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/01/2023 12:26

Guys please at least read all the OP posts. It's a reverse, it is her ex who is doing it. She said shes done the reverse as she got such a different response when she asked if her ex was in the wrong to do likewise. My take is that it is as bad, but will have less impact if it's an EOW NRP than the resident parent, regardless of sex. 4 days out of 30 is pretty minimal parenting.

Haha wouldn't be MN if people read the OPs posts .

Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 15/01/2023 12:48

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat yes it is minimal parenting. But the only reason I haven't called him out on his new gf meeting the kids is because during the first seven months he was seeing gf1 when I refused to let her meet the kids he managed 4 weekends and five nights at Easter. He often had 'plans' during his weekends.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 13:11

I’m totally sure I would have said the same thing from the other point of view - I don’t think men or women should be introducing new partners to children anything like this early on, particularly when they’ve already met another new partner and that hasn’t worked out.

ClubhouseGift · 15/01/2023 13:42

Runningonjammiedodgers · 15/01/2023 12:48

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat yes it is minimal parenting. But the only reason I haven't called him out on his new gf meeting the kids is because during the first seven months he was seeing gf1 when I refused to let her meet the kids he managed 4 weekends and five nights at Easter. He often had 'plans' during his weekends.

It’s not up to you. You don’t get to refuse to let her meet the kids if he wants her to.

Who they see and what they do on his time is none of your business.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 15/01/2023 13:46

I completely agree gender is irrelevant and it's too soon either way. OP, as per my username, sadly there's nothing you can do to get men like that to look at things differently. They get used to being able to do as they wish and the kids have to fit round them, not the other way round. Mine has slightly less regular contact - we set the dates well in advance but it's always as it best suits him, not how it will affect the kids activities or whatever. Frustrating.