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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it any of his business?

112 replies

Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/01/2023 19:46

Ex husband and I broke up in August 2021, we have two kids age 12 and 8. I met someone and introduced them to my kids and met there's in summer 2022 after we had been dating for six months. It didn't work out and we split in December. I have met someone else who seems great, we went on a couple of dates and arranged to meet up with our kids at the end of the Christmas holidays in a local country park. I introduced him to my boys as a friend and we weren't touchy feely or anything with each other. My ex found out through the kids and was not happy. He is annoyed the kids have met two bf in six months and feels I haven't known my bf long enough to introduce him. As I said the kids only know he was a friend, we had a lovely day out and my kids are happy and well looked after. AIBU to think that after 18 months apart it really isn't any of my ex's business and he need to keep out of it? My kids were fine when my last relationship ended.

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 14/01/2023 21:17

You really can't subject your children to multiple partners.
Just because you fall out with these partners doesn't mean that your children can. You might find falling in and out of love as par for the course.
Your children are seeking attachment.
When you fall out with someone you are effectively removing their attachment without their permission or wanting to.

Just think about it.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 14/01/2023 21:17

Sorry but waiting 6 months was reasonable. It gives an idea where the relationship is heading. Introducing them within a month of the last relationship ending is not OK. I don't care if you day it's a friend, kids are not stupid. How many male friends have you introduced in this way during their life as unless it's a large number it's pretty obvious at their ages.

If you were a man you would be ripped a new one.

Crunchymum · 14/01/2023 21:19

You finished with BF1 in December and they are now meeting BF2 in January. So there's been a maximum of 6 weeks between the two? Sort your priorities out. When you are childfee by all means do your own thing but leave your kids out of it.

Mummybearto3bg · 14/01/2023 21:20

Why are you letting 2 men around your kids in 6 months? You don't know these men well enough to trust them around your kids. Please get a grip, your ex is completely right to be annoyed.

Chantelle302412 · 14/01/2023 21:21

I’m talking as a mother who is still in a relationship with my child’s dad if we split up and he had a relationship after any length of time I would expect him to respect our child more than his relationship, I’d ask him to not introduce until it had been a while and I would also like to meet them myself if that was me. Just because I would like to know who my child would be around when I’m not around and if we could bond it would be great. I have had my issues with my partners ex where they share a child but in general we respect one another and we speak we go out together etc I know it can’t be the same for everyone but you have to give him some slack for being concerned about his children . I know I would be after two women in a short space of time as would he be with two men in that time

quietnightmare · 14/01/2023 21:22

Maybe wait some more time before you introduce boyfriend number 3 etc

SpottyBalloons · 14/01/2023 21:24

Yes, it's absolutely his business that you're exposing your children to men you barely know.

ThinWomansBrain · 14/01/2023 21:26

Its not even that I would like him to have them more, just having them the time we have agreed on would be great

so point out to him that if he took responsibility for caring for the children when he is supposed to, you would be able to develop new relationships when they're with him, rather than introducing new men so soon.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2023 21:27

Why did they have to meet the second one so soon? You’d only known him weeks. Chill out.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/01/2023 21:30

It’s not his business no.

However your kids are not stupid, and absolutely know this man is not ‘a friend’. I find it so cowardly and patronising when people do this to their kids.

I do also think 2 boyfriends in 18 months is too many for your kids to meet. Why do they even need to meet these men?! Surely you’ve learnt from introducing them the first time?

arethereanyleftatall · 14/01/2023 21:32

@ThinWomansBrain makes a really good point.

If the DH had his children more than 2 or 3 days a month, maybe the op would have a better chance of having a new relationship without involving the dc?

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 21:33

I personally wouldn’t introduce someone so soon, even as a friend. I’ve been dating someone 2 months but wouldn’t introduce him as a friend at this early stage, as kids aren’t stupid, and clearly exes find out and kick off. I’d probably feel the same if my ex introduced a 2nd woman after he had been dating her 1 month, even as a friend. It’s too early, just keep kids and bf separate for the first 6 months or so like before

VladmirsPoutine · 14/01/2023 21:36

A truck makes the sound BEEP BEEP BEEP when it's what? Grin

Original poster
Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/01/2023 21:40

@Zanatdy I get what your saying but six months everytime? As the kids get older and I have been apart from their dad longer it seems a bit insane to stick to that. Genuine question as a fellow single mum, I am curious to hear what you think

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 14/01/2023 21:45

Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/01/2023 21:40

@Zanatdy I get what your saying but six months everytime? As the kids get older and I have been apart from their dad longer it seems a bit insane to stick to that. Genuine question as a fellow single mum, I am curious to hear what you think

You have to be on the wind up? It's not about your Ex (in my opinion) it's about your poor fucking kids. Stop introducing them to random men.

PartySock · 14/01/2023 21:46

What you do isn't his business, unless/until it directly affects his children.
I think he does right the right to comment.
Ultimately, though, you can do what yo like, within reason

Scurryfunge12 · 14/01/2023 21:48

God, how many other men are going to coming in and out of their lives through a revolving door?

YABU, you don’t even know them well enough yourself.

Ilovelurchers · 14/01/2023 21:49

I think everybody needs to calm down a little - it's not like she is moving these blokes in and insisting the kids call them "daddy".

I never quite understand why it's considered morally obligatory to know a new partner for 6 months or more before they meet your kids. Whether it is so you can screen them for paedophilic or other abusive tendencies (you can't - OF COURSE people can conceal that they are abusive for more than 6 months - they can conceal it for years!); or because of the worry that the child will bond massively with somebody you will then break up with. (Why would they? Children are people, not chicks that imprint on the first adult they see. If it is just occasional meetings they won't closely bond with them any more than they might closely bond with any of their parents friends.... )

Or maybe there is some idea that women who are mothers shouldn't really be free to form new relationships, and that it they are doing such a thing, the children should somehow he shielded from their mother's proclivities.....

I didn't introduce my DD to my husband till we had been dating a year - that was all of our preference. But if I had chosen to introduce them after a couple of months, nobody would have been harmed in any way, and it certainly would not have been any of her father's business.....

SandyLanez · 14/01/2023 21:50

Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/01/2023 21:40

@Zanatdy I get what your saying but six months everytime? As the kids get older and I have been apart from their dad longer it seems a bit insane to stick to that. Genuine question as a fellow single mum, I am curious to hear what you think

You can’t be serious?

Think of it this way, after less than 6 months how do you know someone well enough to expose your children to them.

Most decent parents wait, not because of the kids getting confused, but for safeguarding.

You bringing random men into their lives puts them at risk. You don’t seem to get that

Pollyforever · 14/01/2023 21:53

Why do you feel the need to introduce your boyfriends to your kids so quickly? FWIW my FIL had numerous 'friends' when he split up from his first wife before he met his 2nd wife my MIL, and DHs older siblings remember this in a negative way now they're adults. They feel that he could do what he wanted I'm his time but shouldn't have introduced them.

Sartre · 14/01/2023 21:55

I read this as a reverse because I can totally imagine plenty of men doing this sort of mindless thing but I’d like to think most Mother’s would have more sense and dignity. The first one, you waited half a year which is fair enough and it didn’t work out .. these things happen. Then to meet someone else within weeks and introduce them to your kids straight away? I can’t get on board with that AT ALL, especially when you split with their Dad less than two years ago. It’s all too much, too soon.

Bbqchicken · 14/01/2023 21:58

YABU why would you Subject your kids to meeting another of 'Mummys new friends'.

Of course you are allowed friends of the opposite sex but they are not friends and they are lovers and whatever you say it will be different as the dynamics of your pairing are different/flirty.

I really dont understand the benefit from their perspective if introducing them, it makes no sence to me at all.

ClubhouseGift · 14/01/2023 22:14

YABVU. This is nothing to do with your ex.

You shouldn’t be introducing your kids to anyone until you’re in a serious, long term relationship with them. And I’m not talking months, but over a year at a minimum.

Don’t be selfish. Put your kids first.

Zanatdy · 15/01/2023 01:09

Runningonjammiedodgers · 14/01/2023 21:40

@Zanatdy I get what your saying but six months everytime? As the kids get older and I have been apart from their dad longer it seems a bit insane to stick to that. Genuine question as a fellow single mum, I am curious to hear what you think

Well this is the first man I’m planning to introduce to my kids in 13yrs since I split with their dad. But yes 6 months every time of course. I mean if you’re planning to meet multiple men then I’d probably just skip introducing them at all really

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 01:16

Your ex can't stop you, but you are making very poor decisions for entirely selfish reasons. Put your kids first for a change.