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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man's exes all hate him

88 replies

Ivenamechanged45 · 14/01/2023 19:33

Hates him.
He's said it ended "because of a row" but his friends have been less circumspect and all admitted their shock it ended, saying hours before they were getting on same as always and he seemed in love.
Then, after one fight, he suddenly dumped her. They'd been together a year. Late 30s. Broken up 2 months when we got together. I've tried for more info but he just says they weren't compatible.
But his friends said she was very upset and was furious with him for how suddenly it ended.
It seems to have happened with the woman before her too, plus to a lesser degree another woman. He just suddenly bolted, leaving everyone stunned. She also hates him.

He's very charming and charismatic, but doesn't give anything away emotionally.
Late 30s. No long term relationships since late 20s. Got impression that was fairly casual.
Never lived with a woman.
We get on really well. He seems so keen, has loads friends, great job, car introduced to friends etc.
He's definitely a party boy but has incorporated me into his life.
Am I mad?

OP posts:
harrassedmumto3 · 14/01/2023 19:37

No, you're not mad, IF you know what you're getting into. You won't be the one to change him and if you're happy to keep it casual, crack on. However if you want an emotionally intelligent man who won't hurt you, walk away now.

Thedogscollar · 14/01/2023 19:39

In a nutshell yes.
Sorry OP the info is all there in your own post. He is a user will waste your time and dump you too. Sounds like he's never grown up.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/01/2023 19:39

I can pretty much guarantee all his exs said exactly the same thong about him.

Looks like he enjoys the rush of a new relationship and puts women on a pedestal, then the second the perfect relationship bubble bursts - like having a row - he's off.

Not sure why his friends were shocked, it's not like it's the first time he's done it. Also not sure why his friends are telling you. Warning you perhaps? Or are you questioning them?

Coffeellama · 14/01/2023 19:40

Depends what you are wanting here. If you are looking for security and long term, then yeah you are probably mad.

Soapnotshowergel · 14/01/2023 19:41

If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck....

ComfortablyDazed · 14/01/2023 19:42

Well, if you value your mental health, and have even a degree of self-esteem, yes, you’re mad.

I don’t get this. There is no shortage of men in the world. Why go for one you stone-cold know is going to screw you over…? Confused

It seems so <whispers> pathetic. Sorry. But it does.

Original poster
Ivenamechanged45 · 14/01/2023 19:47

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 14/01/2023 19:48

He will simply do the same thing to you.

So many red flags here.

Sounds like an immature man who is afraid of or unable of long term commitment and simply disappears within a year after initiating an argument (to give himself an excuse to bolt).

Anyone who has a series of ''angry'' or ''crazy'' exes is usually the one with the problem.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/01/2023 19:50

It depends what you want.

mathanxiety · 14/01/2023 19:53

Yes, you're mad to keep going.

Don't be a victim of the notion that you're the special one, the one who will finally tame him.

Original poster
Ivenamechanged45 · 14/01/2023 19:55

I appreciate everyone's response.

OP posts:
NewYearNewName2023 · 14/01/2023 20:25

Not mad if you treat it for what it is i.e. a relationship which will end when he suddenly dumps you for little reason.

If you think you'll be the one to change that and it's a long term thing, then you are probably a bit deluded because he seems to have a fairly well established pattern

ShakespearesBlister · 14/01/2023 20:28

Well at least he's predictable so you know what to expect at the slightest disagreement.

bozzabollix · 14/01/2023 20:30

A very good friend has done this with an ex friend of ours who has treated his former girlfriends abysmally. I literally can’t watch and it’s made me lose some respect for her. Obviously he’s not being amazing with her either but she’s decided to be ‘better’ than his exes and put up with it.

Don’t be like her, it’s a really stupid road to go down and you should appreciate his friends warning you. Get out now with some self respect.

Dontlistitonfacebook · 14/01/2023 20:32

Well it depends what you want. İf you value emotional connection with a partner then you'd be mad to stay in this relationship, as it sounds like he can't connect emotionally much.

Thesonglastslonger · 14/01/2023 20:37

Ugh my cousin is like this. Adores women, gets so excited when he gets a girlfriend, showers presents on her, everything is wonderful and they’re so in love and “this time is different” then they have their first row (usually about him getting too drunk or staying out too late) and boom it’s over he won’t even speak to her and in one case demanded she move out within days. If you try to talk to him he just says something like “I don’t like shouting.”

I wouldn’t waste your time with him OP.

VestaTilley · 14/01/2023 20:39

Clearly he’s a cheater or an abuser. You’d be insane to carry on with this.

LlynTegid · 14/01/2023 20:40

Thankfully you have been warned. So making a decision based on information.

Nothing wrong with being single if you choose that.

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 20:41

You know you are if you expect commitment.

NoWayRose · 14/01/2023 20:52

Are you typing this from Leo’s yacht?

GlassBunion · 14/01/2023 21:07

The fact that you've said 'he has incorporated me into his life' speaks volumes.
Why have you allowed this?

What about your life?

It sounds like all the others. He's fished, and you have fallen , hook, line and sinker. When you wake up and smell the coffee you'll be high and dry before you've got your knickers on.

Original poster
Ivenamechanged45 · 14/01/2023 21:15

What do you mean, as I thought a man introducing you to friends and so on was a positive thing? I'm really not trying to be dumb here and appreciate the advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechanged45 · 14/01/2023 21:15

NoWayRose · 14/01/2023 20:52

Are you typing this from Leo’s yacht?

Haha. Too old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechanged45 · 14/01/2023 21:16

GlassBunion · 14/01/2023 21:07

The fact that you've said 'he has incorporated me into his life' speaks volumes.
Why have you allowed this?

What about your life?

It sounds like all the others. He's fished, and you have fallen , hook, line and sinker. When you wake up and smell the coffee you'll be high and dry before you've got your knickers on.

What do you mean, as I thought a man introducing you to friends and so on was a positive thing? I'm really not trying to be dumb here and appreciate the advice

OP posts:
diamondpony80 · 14/01/2023 21:23

Possible narcissist? Just be careful. Sounds like he ends relationships abruptly once the honeymoon period is over.

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