Page 3 | New man's exes all hate him

Ivenamechanged45 · 2023-01-14T19:33:09+00:00

Hates him. He's said it ended "because of a row" but his friends have been less circumspect and all admitted their shock it ended, saying hours before they were getting on same as always and he seemed in love. Then, after one fight, he suddenly dumped her. They'd been together a year. Late 30s. Broken up 2 months when we got together. I've tried for more info but he just says they weren't compatible. But his friends said she was very upset and was furious with him for how suddenly it ended. It seems to have happened with the woman before her too, plus to a lesser degree another woman. He just suddenly bolted, leaving everyone stunned. She also hates him. He's very charming and charismatic, but doesn't give anything away emotionally. Late 30s. No long term relationships since late 20s. Got impression that was fairly casual. Never lived with a woman. We get on really well. He seems so keen, has loads friends, great job, car introduced to friends etc. He's definitely a party boy but has incorporated me into his life. Am I mad?

VladmirsPoutine · 15/01/2023 18:10

@MistressoftheDarkSide Did you end up having children with him? I've noticed when men talk about their crazy exes that's a sure a sign as any that there's one common demoninator!

MistressoftheDarkSide · 15/01/2023 18:21

@VladmirsPoutine I didn't thank God.... he had five from the three previous marriages and had the good grace to have the snip....

Looking back I was one of the biggest idiots going.... my DC was a toddler when we married and we stayed together 14 years so ex is still important to DC who is an adult now and in no way blind to his faults....

It was a very crazy time, looking back.....

limoncelloo · 15/01/2023 18:24

Sounds like my ex.

Had always broken up with the previous gfs- they were always "too intense" or had wronged him in some way, never his fault.

In fact, he was quite intense. Introduced me to family and friends very quickly, I thought like you that this was a good thing! I must be different to the rest. Like a PP has said, this is to build familiarity.

He described at least 3 situations with previous gfs where he broke up with them very suddenly and lo and behold same happened to me out of the blue.

Going out for a family meal one eve, f*cked me silly just before, told me I was the love of his life, sat at the restaurant with his extended family, rubbing my leg, holding my hand, looking adoringly at me, all good, until we got home and I was dumped. For agreeing with his Mum on something trivial as opposed to him.

He apologised and reeled me back in and dumped me similarly and suddenly 2 more times, embarrassing to admit.

The next girl that came along, he did the exact same thing to.

Run.

Original poster

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 18:25

Thank you. I think what I've struggled with is a few things: he's not typically avoident insofar as he'll contact me all the time, see me lots and it's very nice when we do see each other (although definitely on the less emotionally available side). Based on this alone there's no red flags. Plus there's an explanation for the previous breakups. E.g. he realised at a year they were incompatible in one example, he was always going to be moving away in another. I just know they do not like him and it is a pattern, which is alarming.

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mathanxiety · 15/01/2023 18:28

You've been hooked. You'll be thrown back.

limoncelloo · 15/01/2023 18:32

They don't like him because it sounds like he pulled the rug on all of them without warning and they realised they'd been deceived. Relationships that end with no warning are traumatic.

My ex never appeared avoidant when we met at all, spent lots of time together, always in contact, met family and friends, he did ALL the right things.

You won't be different OP.

OnMyWayToSenility · 15/01/2023 18:40

Test him

Ask him vague questions about how he feels about marriage and kids, or how would he feel if you got pregnant

See his reaction

This will be telling

toocold54 · 15/01/2023 19:02

I just know they do not like him and it is a pattern, which is alarming.

How do you know they don’t like him though?

If you’ve only just started seeing him then I think it’s odd you know so much about his exes.

If he’s feeding you this information then it could all be BS.

He could be the type that acts very into you - calling, texting, saying how lucky he is, how beautiful you are and saying all of the right things and then he’ll dump you because he can’t see it working out - which would make you hate him.

To hate an ex you need to be hurt by something they’ve done.
If he’s not cheated or been aggressive, then it’s very likely that they thought the relationship was leading somewhere and he dumped them out of the blue.

Original poster

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 19:32

toocold54 · 15/01/2023 19:02

I just know they do not like him and it is a pattern, which is alarming.

How do you know they don’t like him though?

If you’ve only just started seeing him then I think it’s odd you know so much about his exes.

If he’s feeding you this information then it could all be BS.

He could be the type that acts very into you - calling, texting, saying how lucky he is, how beautiful you are and saying all of the right things and then he’ll dump you because he can’t see it working out - which would make you hate him.

To hate an ex you need to be hurt by something they’ve done.
If he’s not cheated or been aggressive, then it’s very likely that they thought the relationship was leading somewhere and he dumped them out of the blue.

Friends of friend in one case. Friend of his friend in another (I was meeting them so he awkwardly pre-warned). Then the one in late 20s he admitted he had contacted to apologise for his behaviour and she ignored him.

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Original poster

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 19:34

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 19:32

Friends of friend in one case. Friend of his friend in another (I was meeting them so he awkwardly pre-warned). Then the one in late 20s he admitted he had contacted to apologise for his behaviour and she ignored him.

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And I think it is this, generally. Abrupt endings, rather than anything else.

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ComfortablyDazed · 15/01/2023 19:43

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 18:25

Thank you. I think what I've struggled with is a few things: he's not typically avoident insofar as he'll contact me all the time, see me lots and it's very nice when we do see each other (although definitely on the less emotionally available side). Based on this alone there's no red flags. Plus there's an explanation for the previous breakups. E.g. he realised at a year they were incompatible in one example, he was always going to be moving away in another. I just know they do not like him and it is a pattern, which is alarming.

And you will become ‘incompatible’ too, after 6 months / a year / two years / whatever length of time, for some reason you never saw coming….

RSintes · 15/01/2023 19:48

He's the common denominator amongst all his exes so he's the one who's the problem.

I didn't even get past the first couple of lines as I was so overwhelmed with red flags.

Original poster

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 19:49

Thanks all. Food for thought. It's early days and i like him lots, but being with someone who dumps everyone he's ever dated (bar one relationship nearly 20 years ago) for seemingly no clear reason is worrying me.

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Heatherjayne1972 · 15/01/2023 20:00

Well At least it won’t be a surprise when he dumps you without warning
and then suddenly you’re one of the exes ‘who hate him’

cos he will. And you know it

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2023 21:52

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 19:49

Thanks all. Food for thought. It's early days and i like him lots, but being with someone who dumps everyone he's ever dated (bar one relationship nearly 20 years ago) for seemingly no clear reason is worrying me.

Serious question - why waste your time? Or are you just looking for no-strings sex, in which case enjoy yourself and be ready to move on yourself?

catandcoffee · 15/01/2023 21:59

Don't think your be 'the Women to change him' OP

Hankunamatata · 15/01/2023 22:00

Hmm do you want to be with someone and waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I'd be totally honest with him about where u see your life heading - if its just dating or more serious like marriage or co habitating babies etc. See if he is on the same page. What's the worse he will do, dump you earlier.

Original poster

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 22:54

Because, while there are red flags:

he hasn't lived with a woman
last multi year relationship was in 20s and he ended in abruptly
he did have serious relationships in 30s but as seems to have cut them short abruptly for seemingly no clear reason
there are multiple exes who aren't keen
he is not the most emotional

There are very good things about him. If I wasn't aware of the above (which I am through probing, as you tend to be as a woman in her late 30s who wants commitment) I would be jumping for joy.

He contacts me daily. He is interested and interesting. He's made me part of his life. He cooks for me. He's met my friends (although to a lesser degree than I have his). He'll respond to messages. It doesn't feel like there's game playing.

But there are red flags, clearly.

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Original poster

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 22:55

Oh this was in response to "why are you dating him?"

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WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2023 23:08

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 22:54

Because, while there are red flags:

he hasn't lived with a woman
last multi year relationship was in 20s and he ended in abruptly
he did have serious relationships in 30s but as seems to have cut them short abruptly for seemingly no clear reason
there are multiple exes who aren't keen
he is not the most emotional

There are very good things about him. If I wasn't aware of the above (which I am through probing, as you tend to be as a woman in her late 30s who wants commitment) I would be jumping for joy.

He contacts me daily. He is interested and interesting. He's made me part of his life. He cooks for me. He's met my friends (although to a lesser degree than I have his). He'll respond to messages. It doesn't feel like there's game playing.

But there are red flags, clearly.

So you are a woman in your late 30s who wants commitment? And he is a man in his ?40s? who hasn't has a relationship longer than a year in over a decade? Can you really not see the mismatch?

Also, you seem to be listing "he hasn't lived with a woman" as a positive. In his 40s, I'd be seeing that as another red flag. To go with the many others.

By all means enjoy his company. But if you are looking for commitment you won't get it from him, and anyone who you would get it from will see you as unavailable, hence my comment earlier that he is cock-blocking you.

Original poster

Ivenamechanged45 · 15/01/2023 23:16

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2023 23:08

So you are a woman in your late 30s who wants commitment? And he is a man in his ?40s? who hasn't has a relationship longer than a year in over a decade? Can you really not see the mismatch?

Also, you seem to be listing "he hasn't lived with a woman" as a positive. In his 40s, I'd be seeing that as another red flag. To go with the many others.

By all means enjoy his company. But if you are looking for commitment you won't get it from him, and anyone who you would get it from will see you as unavailable, hence my comment earlier that he is cock-blocking you.

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Thanks. No I think it is concerning. I wish he didnt seem so normal and eager to pursue a relationship in other ways!

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Homedeco · 16/01/2023 03:04

He has commitment issues

Ladyincrimson · 16/01/2023 03:15

🚩

dolor · 16/01/2023 03:22

Get away as fast as you can. He's charming because he's love bombing you, and he will bolt the moment he can when he realises you won't take any shit.

MargotChateau · 16/01/2023 03:26

He’s the common denominator, run 🏃🏻‍♀️