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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't contribute

122 replies

gonewithtthewind · 14/01/2023 08:53

I'm currently heavily pregnant so probably getting annoyed at things more than I usually would.

He doesn't really do anything around the house, if I ask him he says he'll do it but then it doesn't get done for about 3 days. Like the pots ect. He does the cats litter boxes at the moment as I currently can't and he keeps moaning about it and saying how he can't wait for me to be able to do it again.

One of our cats always wants to be up at 4am, it's always me that has to get up with him. I'm exhausted, he stays in bed until 11/half 11 while I try and sleep on the sofa as the cat won't settle. I've had hardly any sleep, I'm meant to currently be on bed rest, yet I've been awake since half 3 and the cat won't let me sleep! I have pre eclampsia and I've just had a difficult pregnancy. He said he's start locking the cat out when he starts being annoying but he never does, which then wake me up and I don't get back to sleep, so end up getting up with the cat.

Just ranting and so exhausted. 🙁

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 14/01/2023 11:58

gonewithtthewind · 14/01/2023 09:10

He never used to be like this. It's only been this way since I've been pregnant

Show quote history

So literally until you were pregnant he did half of all the chores?

Aquarius1234 · 14/01/2023 12:01

No idea how anyone could be happy doing everything when not pregnant let alone pregnant. Shock.

Lampzade · 14/01/2023 12:02

Coffeeandchocs · 14/01/2023 09:01

Yet another “help! my partner is a lazy sod and I’m pregnant/have a baby” thread.

Seriously, what possesses you women to have babies with these men?!
He’s lying in until midday when you’re supposed to be on bed rest. Do you expect he will have a sudden shift in personality and morals once the baby is born? No, he won’t. He’ll continue being his lazy, inconsiderate self and you’ll be left holding the baby.

This

Aquarius1234 · 14/01/2023 12:03

Stunned that so many women get pregnant by horrible men. Attraction is it..

yorkshirepudsx · 14/01/2023 12:04

I'd stop doing stuff for him,
Only clean up after yourself & only wash your own clothes etc.

He's in for a shock when the little one in here. Xx

Aquarius1234 · 14/01/2023 12:09

Thatisme · 14/01/2023 09:18

I'm sorry OP but it will get worse when the baby comes, been there. I carried on doing everything and enabled a useless man- child. I'm paying for this mistake now. Don't let this continue....PS why do you need to stay up for the cat?

Yikes when did you leave.

Soothsayer1 · 14/01/2023 12:10

Aquarius1234 · 14/01/2023 12:03

Stunned that so many women get pregnant by horrible men. Attraction is it..

They don't become horrible untill there is a power imbalance which triggers their predatory nature.
If you are a good decent person you will respond to a vulnerable person by being caring and protective
the other types will respond by exploiting and abusing when the other person is vulnerable
These types of men also instinctively will target women who have come from abusive backgrounds and don't have good radars for distinguishing good people from bad people.
It's not her fault that she wasn't aware of this, let's try and help her instead of berating her.

Teaandtoast3 · 14/01/2023 12:11

You can’t manage without sleep.

Can you put the cat in a safe room with its bed, food and litter tray and just close the door? Maybe a bathroom. Or a utility room. The cat will be fine. Just try and break the habit it’s got into.

Honestly, you can’t let the cat run your life.” like this. It’s normal for them to be up and about during the night… what you shouldn’t be doing is letting it disturb you 💐

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 14/01/2023 12:11

Is this a new behaviour ? Or was he always like this? Why did you choose to have a child with this man baby? Sorry OP, self inflicted. No sympathy.

yorkshirepudsx · 14/01/2023 12:12

Also, I know this is the AIBU thread and it's usually overrun with people being blunt etc,
and sometimes that's what people need

But lay off OP a little will some of you?

She's pregnant, hormonal, she's stressed enough as it is. I don't think she needs to have the whole lecture on "why do women get with men like this" etc.

@gonewithtthewind I'm sorry that he's being like this and you're feeling this way, you need to get it addressed and sorted now rather than when the baby comes, the baby will bring all kinds of emotions with them, stress being a big one, so if you're already struggling in terms of him helping you etc, it will end up worse & I speak from experience - if you don't get him to understand and contribute now, there's very little chance he will once baby is here

I'd either sit him down and calmly say to him "listen, there are a lot of things that need to be done in this house on a daily basis, and you need to help, you might not want to but I don't want to do most of the stuff either. Once the baby is here my time and energy is going to be consumed, and you will have to help more otherwise it's going to be unmanageable for me"

I'd refuse to do anything for him if he doesn't start to help too, don't do his washing, don't clean up after him (I know that this is hard, as it's your living space too! But any clutter of his etc, just put into HIS space, let it annoy him!)

If he doesn't realise just how much you do, list everything as you do it, every single wash load, every cup you wash, write it down and show it to him. Xx

AnotherNameChangeYes · 14/01/2023 12:12

Aquarius1234 · 14/01/2023 12:03

Stunned that so many women get pregnant by horrible men. Attraction is it..

The sad thing is often the women come back on the relationship boards saying how the DH is a ‘good Dad’ because they might hold the baby for five minutes while the OP has a quick shower. Our standards for men are so so low.

Autumnalblooms · 14/01/2023 12:14

OP please stop running around husband/cat and i say that as a cat lover , i have 4.I had pre eclampsia and it nearly killed me it is very serious , i am in no way trying to scare you but it can turn nasty very quicky .I had 6wks in hospital and my DD had to be induced 4 wks early luckily no damage done but it so serious you need to rest else you need stay somewhere where you can 💐.

yorkshirepudsx · 14/01/2023 12:15

And as for the cat,

Give it limited space, somebody else mentioned putting the cat in a safe room where it's got it's food, litter tray and bed etc, do this,
Don't let the cat wake you up, it'll become more stressful once baby is here, especially if you've been up for hours with a crying baby and the cat wakes you up 20 mins after you've managed to fall asleep,

Get the cat into a routine where during the day, it has the normal 'roam' of the house, at night time it is limited - have you got a cat flap? You could get a cat flap, and make sure there's a water bowl outside and inside for it. If your back door is in the kitchen I would make the kitchen the cats room, get a cat flap, allow it to have that space and the freedom to go out in the night x

Rabbitheadlights · 14/01/2023 12:16

Not RTFT but would I fck be getting up with a cat at 4am!! Take the cat to which ever room 'D'H is in .... Shut the door and leave it there. Aside from that your husband is a lazy waster I suggest you sort that before baby arrives

Teaandtoast3 · 14/01/2023 12:18

You desperately need to rest. Talk to him and if he won’t listen send him to his parents. You don’t need a man child. You MUST look after yourself and your baby now. Everything and everyone else (including the cat) comes last for the moment. If he won’t go and you have supportive parents and it’s possible go and stay there instead.

Id be going off my nut if you were my daughter and being treated this way. You deserve better.

Ohjustboreoff · 14/01/2023 12:18

Op can't you move in with your parents or a friend for a rest? Leave the waste of space to it for a few days or weeks.

Teaandtoast3 · 14/01/2023 12:22

Also if the cat is waking you up because it’s noisy then get some sleep headphones. Ignore it. It currently knows it gets a reaction with bad behaviour so it will do it more. I’ve got a cat and a dog and I love them so I get it but you are more important.

^^ if what I’ve said in previous posts isn’t possible then even going to a hotel for a few days would be better (if you can afford it). You need rest and sleep so you can think more clearly. I’m very concerned for you x

HavfrueDenizKisi · 14/01/2023 12:23

Coffeeandchocs · 14/01/2023 09:01

Yet another “help! my partner is a lazy sod and I’m pregnant/have a baby” thread.

Seriously, what possesses you women to have babies with these men?!
He’s lying in until midday when you’re supposed to be on bed rest. Do you expect he will have a sudden shift in personality and morals once the baby is born? No, he won’t. He’ll continue being his lazy, inconsiderate self and you’ll be left holding the baby.

This!

Why on earth did you choose to have a child with this man?

I despair sometimes at the bar being so low for some women.

BunchHarman · 14/01/2023 12:23

gonewithtthewind · 14/01/2023 09:10

He never used to be like this. It's only been this way since I've been pregnant

Show quote history

This makes my heart sink. I fear it will only get worse. Men who change during pregnancy usually do.

HoppingAndHoping · 14/01/2023 12:23

silentpool · 14/01/2023 09:56

The cat is the easiest thing to deal with. Shut it in a room with dry food and water etc and ignore it till morning, it will learn to stop this behaviour if you don't enable it. Put some white noise on or some earplugs in and don't pander to it again.

The partner sounds like a lost cause though.

Yes to the cat.

I tend to agree with the partner, but that's probably not actionable advice for the OP.
Stop doing any of these chores and get yourself to bed! For fuck's sake!!
And have a frank conversation with him.

Thatisme · 14/01/2023 12:24

Aquarius1234 · 14/01/2023 12:09

Yikes when did you leave.

Show quote history

I haven't left yet. The longer you allow the behaviour to continue, the harder it is to get out. They manage to make you doubt yourself and lead you to believe it's you and so the hurt perpetuates...... but that's just my story. OP can nip it in the bud and not make the same mistakes.

Teaandtoast3 · 14/01/2023 12:24

And to everyone else that’s kicking the OP when she’s already being mistreated just go away. It’s not helpful. She can’t take the baby back now can she, so saying you despair at women that have babies with men like this achieves nothing except for isolating her further.

Namenic · 14/01/2023 12:26

Agree with @Ohjustboreoff - can you go and stay with your parents or siblings or friends? He is putting both your and your baby’s health at risk.

Namenic · 14/01/2023 12:29

Does he understand the seriousness of pre-eclampsia or is he just too selfish or does he have a medical condition or something which prevents him from doing the chores???

Biscuits1011 · 14/01/2023 12:29

Firstly. Shut the cat in another room, you don’t need to be getting up with a bloody cat at in the middle of the night, how daft.
secondly he’s a selfish arse, needs to pull his weight. Have stern words with him now if I was you.