Husband doesn't contribute

[gonewithtthewind]

I'm currently heavily pregnant so probably getting annoyed at things more than I usually would.

He doesn't really do anything around the house, if I ask him he says he'll do it but then it doesn't get done for about 3 days. Like the pots ect. He does the cats litter boxes at the moment as I currently can't and he keeps moaning about it and saying how he can't wait for me to be able to do it again.

One of our cats always wants to be up at 4am, it's always me that has to get up with him. I'm exhausted, he stays in bed until 11/half 11 while I try and sleep on the sofa as the cat won't settle. I've had hardly any sleep, I'm meant to currently be on bed rest, yet I've been awake since half 3 and the cat won't let me sleep! I have pre eclampsia and I've just had a difficult pregnancy. He said he's start locking the cat out when he starts being annoying but he never does, which then wake me up and I don't get back to sleep, so end up getting up with the cat.

Just ranting and so exhausted. 🙁

I read your post and actually thought you'd meant to write DC instead of cat.

Who in the hell gets up with a cat at 4am and then has to stay awake settling them? A child,yes. A cat? No way. That's absurd.

And your DH sounds like he's disgruntled that your focus is on staying alive and bringing the pregnancy to term,rather than pandering to his every whim. He'll probably be very jealous when baby arrives. Good luck.

Anyone who gets up, when they are prescribed bedrest, in order to settle a flipping cat has an unhealthy tendency towards martyrdom IMO.

So you have two issues:

• Your partner is a lazy waste of space. And he doesn't give a shit about your health. If he isn't stepping up now, it's unlikley to change after your baby is born.
• You have a tendency to martyr yourself, which makes it easy for your partner to be a lazy waste of space.

You can control your own behaviour, so stop with the martyrdom. Stop mollycoddling the cat. Stop the housework. Stop getting out of bed to do stuff. Stop it all.

If he doesn't step up and help you, then stop the whole relationship.

You have more control here than you think you do.

You say he never used to be like this until
You were pregnant.
Do you think it more likely he has always been like this , it is that you have only just noticed since you have been pregnant ?
Why can't he wait for you to be able to do all the jobs again?

I don't believe this for a second. You're in denial and he has always been like this, it was just easy for you to ignore. Now that you're having a baby, everything has changed and you finally realise just how useless he is.

What you see is what you get. He will never change.

Why are you getting up with a cat at 4am? Boot it into the back garden at bedtime and just let it in when you get up and feed it then?

Obviously he is not doing what he should, and needs to know that Pre E is really serious and not just you lying around with nothing to do.

BUT

The cat situation needs sorting. Even with the most responsible partner you should not be getting up at 4am for a bloody cat. This will push you over the edge when you have a night waking baby.

Staying up on the sofa from 4 am because of the cat is not reasonable for either of you to put up with.

Has your midwife/medical team not explained to you the seriousness of pre-e?

You know you could both die,right?

As a PP mentioned upthread, the next stage will be hospital bed rest....although I reckon in your case this would not be a bad thing!

Stop being such a martyr re both him and the cat, and start looking after yourself and your baby ffs.

The detail to me screams martyr OP.

Buck up before your baby arrives or your heading for a pretty shit life

"He never used to be like this. It's only been this way since I've been pregnant."

⬆️ Because before you were pregnant, you did everything & let him get away with doing f@ck all!

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, inconsiderate pr!ck who is very unlikely to get any better once you've had the baby. Your life will just get a huge amount harder.

Crisis talk time.

He’s telling you who he is. He won’t change when the baby is born. It will be your responsibility.

And stop letting the bl@@dy cat rule your life, too - lock it out! Why are you getting up half the night, sleeping on a sofa, to 'settle' a cat??

And if your useless tosser of a husband can't clean out a litter tray, how is he going to cope with copious amounts of explosive baby shit & puke??

You haven’t got a DH problem, you’ve got a cat problem.*

*Actually a DH and a cat problem but just really wanted to type that in a ‘there’s something I never thought I’d say’ kind of way.

OP, this is insanity, on so many levels. Your husband is currently putting you and his unborn child in danger. If he can’t appreciate that, along with making your life an absolute misery, then I suspect he’s already a lost cause.

And shut the bloody cat out! IT’S A CAT! And I say this as someone who likes cats.

Well firstly, don't leave it to him to lock the cat out, you do it and make sure it can't wake you up. If we let our cat upstairs at night he'd do the same, so we don't! He's locked downstairs. What do you plan to do when the baby arrives? You can't have a cat waking you and the baby up at night.

Your lazy partner is a whole other issue, and the most important one you need to resolve. You need to start putting your foot down and telling him what you expect of him... and if (when) he doesn't change then I guess you have to decide whether you can live like this or not. You said he's only become like this since you were pregnant - is he involved with the pregnancy, excited about it etc?

What ??? You are letting a cat dictate your sleep …. No no no, that is ridiculous. Lock the car in another room.
Sorry I couldn’t read past that .

Also, one more time since you apparently weren't listening at your medical appointments: the bedrest is to try and prevent you and your baby both dying! Or you being permanently disabled by a stroke!

This is your first baby?

Assuming that he’s just a garden-variety lazy tosser, and not an abusive arsehole, then you need to read him the riot act. From bed. Where you will not be moving. Any time he complains he ‘can’t wait’ for you to be ‘better’ then remind him you’ll both have even more to do once the baby is here.

Can his parents read him the riot act on your behalf?

Both him and the cat would be out of the door.

There are some men who think because they have 'given you a baby' you now can't leave and you will go part time, do all the housework and basically turn into their mothers but with sex as a useful addition.

You need to make it absolutely clear that is not how it will be. Make a list of all the chores that need doing per week and allocate half to him. Tell him this is the reality from today forward. If he leaves, you are well rid of him.

Get a cat flap and only allow the cat into the utility room overnight. You are putting yourself and your baby at risk. You need rest.

Time to make a stand unless you want to be an unpaid housekeeper & dogsbody for the next 40 years.

Can you imagine how awful it would be to have a mother like @Addicted2Kale ?

This is unfair, we all know that most men start being nice, the good ones carry on being nice the bad one don't show their true predatory nature until you are pregnant and trapped.
Please stop berating the op, it's not fair we have all been young and naive and men like this prey on naive women.

Get rid of the cat and the husband.

How was the split of chores before you got pregnant. The cat litter boxes were obviously always your domain as he can’t wait for you to go back to doing them? What is your plan re work once baby is here? How are your finances split?

What a waste of space he is. Sit him down, tell him if he doesn't change you'll be filing for divorce, he needs to do a 360 degree turn especially after the baby has arrived. Honestly, from what you're saying your unborn child and you will be better off without him.

Maybe also get him to go to the GP to get his vitamin levels checked, very low vit D levels can cause depression & low iron can cause fatigue. Just the benefit of the doubt.

Hi OP

He cant wait for you to do the cat litter tray again? So he doesn't think anything should be a shared job?

In the short term, go and stay in a hotel or with friends or family, anywhere to get out of this environment. You need to put your rest first for the sake of the baby. Please go this weekend.

Long term, only a selfish lazy nasty piece of work would be happy letting his heavily pregnant wife do everything. And let her get up early while he sleeps. He is saying he will do stuff but not doing so, so he can blame you for nagging and try and retain the moral high ground of 'I said I'd do it!' But a lot of jobs eg cleaning kitchen after use, washing up, laundry dealing with the cat are time critical and in any case why are you the boss of housework who has to ask, why cant he just do it.

You will put up with it for a while but the resentment will kill your relationship and you'll end up leaving. So I'd make plans to leave anyway even if you don't follow through for a while.

What does he say about the sleep etc when you speak to him about it?

There's no point kicking the OP when she's down.

It's unlikely a man has gone from doing a fair share of domestic responsibilities to expecting his pregnant partner to ignore medical advice for bed rest in order to do chores. It's more likely that he's always been a lazy so and so, but he did just enough to give the impression he was doing something and it's got worse since she was pregnant and has had to stop doing everything.

OP you need to seriously consider your position. A man who is risking yours and your baby's health with his laziness is showing you exactly who he is. It will be very easy for him to do nothing around the house when you're on maternity leave because you're at home. It's easy for him to not do night wakes with baby because you're at home and he has work.

It's also worth keeping an eye on any suggestion that you don't go back to work/childcare will eat up all your wages.

What are your finances like and do you have the means to leave if this situation gets worse?