To think I’m not lazy/a shit housekeeper but would like your opinions please

[Amialazymum]

So I have a lot of jokey comments from my husband and his mum and dad (mum mainly!) about how bad my housekeeping is. They do praise my parenting and we all get on well, I do think they genuinely mean them as jokes although I think MIL maybe does mean them a bit as well but it’s Ok. However I am wondering if I should be trying to do a bit more.

I work 3 days a week. On my two days where I’m not in work I try to do some laundry (mostly putting it away) in the morning when I get up with ds. We go to groups in the morning and then out to the park. Lately I’ve been going to a supermarket for lunch as kids eat free and to be honest it’s one less thing to do housework wise. Toddler has been refusing to nap but does still need it and the only way I can do this is in the car! I nip in and out of the house and do quick tasks like empty dishwasher and so on as DS sleeps on the drive but I can’t do anything major.

He has tea at around 5, bed at 7 after a bath and books at about 6. This is the time when I should be doing house stuff and I’m guessing this is where most people do it? But I’m so tired!

I am only really scratching the surface and I need to do things like organise properly cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, hoovering and so on. Just wondering how others manage?

Is it me?

I have never been praised or criticised for my parenting or congratulated either!

WTF has it got to do with anyone? You're not staff!

So what are you going to say to your DH?

The person who works the least, should be doing more of the housework.
That doesn’t mean DH should do nothing.

Toddlers are so difficult when trying to keep a house clean.

I didn’t have room for a play room but I got a stair gate on the front room and made sure it was child safe.
I would put my child in there with toys or watching tv whilst I was cleaning and hoovering the rest of home.
Then when they’re in bed you can clean that room.

Your home doesn’t need to be spotless and if you’re out most of the day then it shouldn’t need much cleaning at all.

Either share the chores more evenly or take in turns to watch DS and put him to bed etc so the other one can do the cleaning that day.

When does your DS get to play with his toys or just chill at home?

Personal experience - the less the child is at home the less they can occupy themselves.

If your husband and inlaws are so concerned about it why don't they get the mop and bucket out and do it themselves. Are you the magical house cleaning fairy all of a sudden?

I work 6 days a week in the NHS and my house is pretty basic at best. Stuff like the cat litter tray is done daily, the bathroom is cleaned once a week, but the rest can wait until I either have time or I'm not tired.

Nobody will remember what a superb cleaner you were when you are dead but your children will remember the lovely times you had with them.

Cleaning is not my priority.

Not looking for a critique of my parenting thanks @Nanny0gg

It was an observation not a critique and I'm not the only one who's said it. I do think if a child is never left 'in peace' they find it harder to chill out and amuse themselves. This is a forum so you can't dictate the answers

You are the one wondering whether family is right or not and asking for advice/opinions.

I think your family are wrong. It's not their business. I don't think your husband steps up but I do think if you aren't working outside the home for two days you ought to be doing a bit more.

OP I thinkNanny0gg was trying to make suggestions that will give you some more time in your day, make your day less full on, and give you some time to get some chores done.

When mine were younger I found it hard to get anything done and never related to people who could put DC in a bouncer/jumperroo/put them in a playpen/other age appropriate ways to entertain a young child. Being on the go all day makes them tired, you tired and still nothing gets done because by bedtime you're exhausted.

Reducing the number of outings a day, getting used to having time at home, encouraging them to learn to play independently for short periods of time is being your future friend. It means you get 10 minutes to sit down and have a cup of tea. It means that whilst they're sitting in their highchair/at the table drawing or playing with playdoh for 20 minutes you can get the dishes done and wipes the sides. If they're able to sit with cbeebies for 20 minutes you can tidy the living room. It makes it feel manageable and means at the end of the day you're not feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

Your DH needs to do more.

For context i work PT, DH FT. He cooks tea after work then washes up. I sort laundry, baby etc.
He then hoovers around whilst i put baby to bed or vice versa.

Next time they say something… laugh and say… Yes, I wish my husband’s parents had taught him better how to do housework, but here we are…

Here's a good reply OP,

If your inlaws or husband suggest you should be doing more housework you could say "if it's easy to clean the house while looking after (toddler) well that's great - I'll make plans to go out on Saturday and hubby can clean the house while looking after (toddler). That will be lovely a day off and coming back to a tidy house - brill"
(I think they might find that idea unreasonable!)

Just to add frantically tidying before visitors has a word of it's own
SCURRYFUNGE - to panic clean just before a guest arrives.
It's the most effective type of cleaning. Sometimes if I clean I think "what would I do if someone was coming in ten minutes" it focuses the mind.

I have to add that replies that list how much they can get done while skiving on their work from home are really of no relevance to what you can get done looking after a toddler. If not skiving in breaks but you don't get "breaks" from a child. You can probably get done an awful lot but only by cutting back on the input the child is getting - which is more important that the cleaning.

Try to let the house wash over you other than keeping on top of the basics and when your child is in nursery or school you can catch up. Either by staying part time or getting cleaning help if you go full time.

I am gobsmacked that there are responses on this thread that suggest that OP should do less with her toddler and take on more of the housework.

Some parents and children are happier getting out and about. Certainly, with DS, I tried to be out a lot while with DD it was a lot easier to be at home and chilling.

Ultimately, your DH and your MIL seem to think you should be doing all the housekeeping which seems weird to me considering that you are, in effect, working full time - partly for money and partly to look after DS.

I think on days you're at home it's perfectly reasonable to expect you to keep on top of the day to day mess - so if you've made breakfast/lunch, that should be tidied up before you start the evening. if you've had toys out, they should be tidied up and cleared away. ditto crafts etc. As a rule, I think being able to a load of washing a day or load/unload the dishwasher is probably okay. But expecting you to do full on cleaning is excessive.

What time does your DH get home from work? It was pretty common around here for whoever had been with the DC all day to move into the kitchen to do some cleaning/clean bathrooms/change bedding etc while the person who had been out at work did bath/bedtime etc. Why doesn't that happen.

Thank you @LolaSmiles

Trust me, DS playing with his toys will do nothing to help keep the house tidy and clean - have a think as to why that might be!

If you think DS would sit at the table drawing while I do housework, I can only think you assume he’s older than he is. He only recently turned two. He wouldn’t do this and none of his friends would either.

You don’t need a cleaner with one toddler and four days off and simply tell dh to be in charge of certain tasks, the ones you don’t like 😀 that’s what I do (I hate cleaning kitchen and dishes after dinner, so dh does a lot of that.)

A two year old is a lot of work and you do have to be present with him, but you can get housework done. You need a routine with quiet time built in, cut back from so many activities (park twice in one day? I don’t get that), enlist toddler’s ‘help’ that’s how they learn and you will thank yourself later, delegate some tasks to dh, don’t leave toddler in car while you run to and fro focusing on cleaning that’s not sensible, and don’t pay any attention to in-laws.

And toddler needs to learn to play and be engaged with something while you do other things. And he will learn to nap or lie quietly in his room if you teach him to. It is possible believe me. We’ve all been through this, we’ve got children and faved same dilemmas, you’ve asked for our advice but you don’t seem to want to take it on board.

I have three DC and numerous DGC - most of mine wouldn't draw at the table either but they did/do play with their toys.
Gave time for clearing up the kitchen/sorting laundry etc whilst chatting to them. Not enough time for spring cleaning by any means.

Mine plays with toys too @Nanny0gg

Like I say, have a wee think about why that might not help with housework.

Trust me, DS playing with his toys will do nothing to help keep the house tidy and clean - have a think as to why that might be!
If you think DS would sit at the table drawing while I do housework, I can only think you assume he’s older than he is. He only recently turned two. He wouldn’t do this and none of his friends would either.
You're getting a bit defensive when posters who've been at this toddler stage are sharing thing to try and help.

Like I said earlier, the time and the activities build up.
To start with it might be 10 minutes play whilst you sit and have a cup of tea. It might then move to having a play pen or a pack and play with a few toys in that can entertain DC for 15 minutes whilst you empty and load the dishwasher. This keeps the mess contained and it's easy to pack away. You might put DC in a high chair whilst you're folding the laundry and they can play with some small toys, or some playdoh. You might then find that they'll sit for 10/15 mins with a cbeebies show. It means as they get closer to 3 you're able to do longer jobs because they have been learning how to play independently for short periods of time and don't need entertaining by you all day.

It's also a lifesaver for the school holidays because DC who are used to never been at home and always entertained are likely to require much more parent-involved entertaining than those who are able to play for an hour independently

If you're only wanting to be told to keep being out the house all day and accept nothing gets done at home that's fine though.

No. I really can't be bothered now.

But I’m not really seeking advice on my parenting at this stage @LolaSmiles , and while I’m not meaning to sound defensive I actually think ‘When does your DS have time to sit and just play with his toys?’ is bloody rude. Plenty of time. But he is easier to manage, happier and the day goes much faster when we do activities and the weather at the moment is dreadful so when I can get him outside, I do.

Back to housework, anyway

I wouldn't tolerate anyone making jokes about my housekeeping skills. How rude

Ruthless decluttering is the way forward eg far easier to clean a kitchen surface if it's clear

Your OP asks how other people manage to do things and says you're exhausted by the end of the day when you would expect other people do the house things.

Posters are sharing how they get things done, because your OP asked how people manage.

If you're not interested in advice or suggestions then you're going to have to accept nothing is going to get done at home and you're going to spend the evenings complaining about being tired.

Your husband and his family have made sexist remarks by mocking your housekeeping. The house is both your responsibility. Equally, it's entirely possible for someone to get more than a load of laundry put away and the dishwasher done on the days they're not working if they're willing to make changes.

Your DH needs to step up. He would only take the piss out of my 'housekeeping' once.