To think I’m not lazy/a shit housekeeper but would like your opinions please

[Amialazymum]

So I have a lot of jokey comments from my husband and his mum and dad (mum mainly!) about how bad my housekeeping is. They do praise my parenting and we all get on well, I do think they genuinely mean them as jokes although I think MIL maybe does mean them a bit as well but it’s Ok. However I am wondering if I should be trying to do a bit more.

I work 3 days a week. On my two days where I’m not in work I try to do some laundry (mostly putting it away) in the morning when I get up with ds. We go to groups in the morning and then out to the park. Lately I’ve been going to a supermarket for lunch as kids eat free and to be honest it’s one less thing to do housework wise. Toddler has been refusing to nap but does still need it and the only way I can do this is in the car! I nip in and out of the house and do quick tasks like empty dishwasher and so on as DS sleeps on the drive but I can’t do anything major.

He has tea at around 5, bed at 7 after a bath and books at about 6. This is the time when I should be doing house stuff and I’m guessing this is where most people do it? But I’m so tired!

I am only really scratching the surface and I need to do things like organise properly cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, hoovering and so on. Just wondering how others manage?

I think you need an honest conversation with DH about how these comments make you feel. And if you genuinely think more housework needs doing then come up with a way to split it more fairly. On your days off you are looking after a toddler! It’s hard!

Back in the day when I was a SAHM and exH would sometimes make comments about housework (one of the reasons he is now an ex) my standard response would be “I’m a stay at home mum, not a stay at home cleaner”

I’d say a basic clean would be:-

Every day:
wipe round bathroom (whilst you bath toddler)
wipe round kitchen
dishwasher
washing

Every couple of days:
whip round with the hoover

Once per week:
mop
dust
change bedsheets

Eventually other jobs will need doing though, oven clean, window clean etc.
I agree that your husband should be helping with these tasks too. If you want to be even more organised then The Organised Mum Method (TOMM) is great!

Why not sit down with DH and divvy up tasks for each of you to take responsibility for?

Make a written day-to-day schedule and put on a wall so you can BOTH see at a glance what tasks need to be done.

If that fails get a cleaner.

Why do you care what his parents think? They're not your parents. And even if they were, you're a responsible adult. Their critical input is worthless. So bin them immediately.

As for your pathetic, idiot husband, you ought to remind him you carried his child and until he earns enough for you to quit work or pay for a cleaner, his opinion don't mean shit.

Sorry that was poorly worded, your DH shouldn’t be “helping” he should be doing his fair share of jobs.

Ex mil used to comment on the state of my house and I took that as an offer to help clean.

You should really hoover every day if you have dogs - You're right, that would be so helpful thanks for offering

Dds clothes need ironing or they are not sanitised (wtf?) - Oh, I didn't know that, what time should I bring them over to yours?

She never actually helped, and made a cats bum face every time she came over, but the comments stopped!

Ok, your partenr needa to step up and do his share.

In terms of keeping on top of things there are little things you can both do every day to keep the chaos at bay.

• beds aired and made every day

• wash up after every meal and tidy wash down surfaces and floor.

• runa mop quickly around the bathroom floor each morning after people have showered and use a shower shine spray.

• make sure there is a place for bags, shoes, keys, coats, post etc.. and make sure they are put back there every time they are not being used.

Then have a routine for tackling the big regular jobs. We do a big clean of the bathroom and kitchen, strip the bed and hoover every Saturday morning. Big deep cleaning jobs get scheduled as and when.

Laundry is a nightmare, especially this time of year. We have been without a washing machine for a week and our laundry pile is epic. 😣

Is it sexism or more they think if you work 3 days and he works 5 then more of the house work should fall to you? I have to be honest if my husband was not working those 2 days I’d expect him to pick up more of the housework.

they should not be making passive aggressive comments, but I think i would talk about how much you are struggling with your child, I note you even don’t make lunch but go out to eat and feel exhaustion caring for one child.

you need to try to understand what’s causing rhe exhaustion, is it your child is such hard work that is it or is there something going on with you and then come up with a way foe the house work to be done be it a cleaner or your husband doing the majority of it after work.

It's impossible with young DC at home. If they want a clean house then you either have childcare for a portion of your days off, your DH does it or your DH looks after both children at the weekend to allow you time. It's a team effort.

As a mother of teens, I say do what works
for you and your small children. Enjoy them. Go out with them. Watch them nap. Enjoy the park, supermarket lunches and groups. They are the things you are building and will remember.
The house doesn’t matter and nor does your husband or in law’s opinion. I would possibly tell them to stop making jokes. But either way ignore it.
As a side note I would sit with your child when napping, for safety but also because you are allowed down time on your days off. Take a book or magazine or do some life admin on your phone but sit in the car with them. The dishwasher can be done later or by your husband.

If you don't think the comments are meant nastily can you say
" oh yes everything has getting on top of me - you know how it is when they are this age - would you mind just ..... "

Exdpisatwat
I admire your assertiveness there.

Coffeetableposhbooks
It wouldn't be sexism if the agreement was that on the non working days OP would aim to get certain things done, the in laws / husband noticed she was struggling with the toddler and they offered to help/were being supportive, or if the OP asked for advice because she was struggling.

It is sexism to mock the OP for not being a good enough housekeeper.

The state of a house over the week is down to both adults and the fact her husband is joining in the mockery says he also thinks housework is her job.

Until you do have that conversation with Dh, hire a cleaner: most housework can be done within minutes. As say now said. If you just keep on top of things, as ds1 finishes his breakfast, before you go out, you can get loads done within 20 minutes.

I work at home on a Thursday, where throughout the day I can easily: empty dishwasher, put load of washing on, run eufy to hoover, put clothes away, hang out washing, make a huge spag Bol and then use some of it to make a lasagne. I find that manageable.

OP, my cleaning routine (mad rush when someone is visiting) sounds much the same as yours. My children are grown up, but I have three jobs and quite frankly, unless it’s unhealthy, I don’t actually care!

Thanks @Saynow , that’s helpful in practical terms.

I think once I would have thought that a parent working part time or not working should pick up most of the housework. The reality is DS and I aren’t in the house much in order to do housework. The days look roughly like this - not identical every week but to give an idea

9 - set off to toddler group
930-1030 - class
1030-1130 run in the park
1130-1230 lunch
1230-2 nap (this used to be my sacred time where I could clean!)
2-3 library visit
3-4 park
430 home, prepare dinner
5-530 eat dinner
530-6 clear up carnage from morning and dinner! Might be able to clear kitchen/out washing away if only so DS has clean pyjamas …
6-7 bath, books and bed

So I do get some bits before 9, if only so we have stuff to wear, and not every day is that busy but even if we are in the house more it doesn’t help with housework as DS just makes a mess. It’ll get easier as he’s older obviously but right now he thinks he’s helping when he does things like put clean dry washing back in the drier.

At least the pulling all the books off the bookshelves stage seems to have passed!

I used to do the same number of days as you and kept on top of things because my dh would pull his weight in the evenings. So if I'd cooked, he'd clean up and put the kids to bed. On Sunday we split the chores so I'll clean and do bathrooms, he'll hoover and take care of the kids and then cook. With two kids under 2 I kept onto of things but deep cleans were reserved for when my dh was home and whoever was free would do it.

You have options, speak to your dh is he pulling his weight? Spend more time at home, if you work less hours you have more time to keep on top of things. Get better organised, do little but often. Get a cleaner.

Maybe that’s why you’re knackered those are very full days, park twice a day, library toddler group and class twice every day?

If you h is home each evening in time, then one of you does the toddler's bath and bed and the other cleans - the kitchen, the bathrooms, runs the hoover round, etc. otherwise you set aside an hour on Saturday morning - one cleans, the other looks after ds.

What does your h do every evening? He could be cleaning then if it's so important to him.

I'd prepare some snappy replies for the next time anyone criticises your cleaning. It's not all down to you; it should be shared by you and h.

Why is there no discussion of your DH’s stepping up to do his share before the cleaner question? Why are your relations making jokes about your housekeeping but not your DH’s?

They do praise my parenting and we all get on well

What are you, their servant, to be told how well you're doing a job?

You could do the following;

Get a cleaner
DH has a weekend day with the kids so you can crack on (or vice versa) though I personally would have preferred the day 'off' to clean after doing most of the parenting. It probably won't take all day and you can squeeze in some me time too!
Get a robovac to hoover. We have one and it hoovers up and down everyday, really keeps on top of the 'bits' on the floor, and makes the house look cleaner even if I haven't had chance to do the other bits.
Split the jobs between you so it's more manageable and not all on you.
Let DH do bedtime so you can do some of the things you want to get done then.

Just some suggestions. If it's an issue for you. If it's not, ignore DH and parents, or say, 'sounds like you are offering to help, great, please do X'

Well quite. My PIL would only “joke” about my “housekeeping” just the once before having their arse handed to them. Not that it’s ever happened.

Exactly this.
Enjoy your toddler - you won't remember the housework in years to come.

I work part time and when I still had little ones at home in the day I got a cleaner because I just didn't have time. Now they are school it is much easier and my cleaner retired so I keep on top of it.

Id say to in laws that you’d love a cleaner but can’t afford it and if they want to pay then you’d really appreciate the help.

Guaranteed they won’t mention it again if they think they might have to pay out haha!