To think I’m not lazy/a shit housekeeper but would like your opinions please

[Amialazymum]

So I have a lot of jokey comments from my husband and his mum and dad (mum mainly!) about how bad my housekeeping is. They do praise my parenting and we all get on well, I do think they genuinely mean them as jokes although I think MIL maybe does mean them a bit as well but it’s Ok. However I am wondering if I should be trying to do a bit more.

I work 3 days a week. On my two days where I’m not in work I try to do some laundry (mostly putting it away) in the morning when I get up with ds. We go to groups in the morning and then out to the park. Lately I’ve been going to a supermarket for lunch as kids eat free and to be honest it’s one less thing to do housework wise. Toddler has been refusing to nap but does still need it and the only way I can do this is in the car! I nip in and out of the house and do quick tasks like empty dishwasher and so on as DS sleeps on the drive but I can’t do anything major.

He has tea at around 5, bed at 7 after a bath and books at about 6. This is the time when I should be doing house stuff and I’m guessing this is where most people do it? But I’m so tired!

I am only really scratching the surface and I need to do things like organise properly cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, hoovering and so on. Just wondering how others manage?

I don’t think you necessarily need a cleaner. You have one toddler and you work three days. Maybe just be more organized with your time. I wouldn’t leave him outside in the car sleeping. I’d do whatever it takes to get him to nap inside and if he won’t, involve him in the tasks. Don’t leave him in the car and run in and out of the house focused on cleaning, that’s not sensible for his safety. Of course it’s going to take some time teaching him to fold clothes or whatever but it will begin paying untold dividends in a very short time, keep at it.

Don’t listen to one word your in-laws say. It’s none of their business. They need to focus on their own real shortcomings which are interfering and making jokes, insults really, about you. Tell your dh to put a stop to that ASAP. Then don’t give them any more thought. Organize your time, and the house doesn’t need to be spotless. No one has a spotless house with a young child. Just do the basics and teach your dd to help, and have a routine. That’s it.

My ex MIL was a bit like this. I said once that she was right, housekeeping wasn't for me so I'd go back to full time hours and DH could cut his and take over the lion's share. Surely since she was the housekeeping expert the one of us she raised would have the same skills?

Ask them why they think it's your job to keep the house? Because you have the uterus?

Ds not dd.

Hi there OP, with all due respect I think you are massively overthinking this... my eldest DC is 23 and the other day we were talking about some of his favourite childhood memories. None of them were about how good a housekeeper I was! I've always worked full time. Key for me has been to keep my kids well-fed and comfortable. That's it. And to be really 'present' with them when not at work. Note also that none of his best memories were linked to expensive activities or toys... just special memories as a family. Mostly just about being together, and certainly not about how often I hoovered or deep-cleaned the kitchen. Sure, if grime had taken over our home, that would have impacted their quality of life - but no one will ever reward you for going all Stepford Wife... take it from an oldie like me and don't sweat the small stuff 😊

Definitely more your DH can do to help but looking at your list I also wonder if your time management skills are a bit off. There do seem to be a lot of things on that list that at first glance look more like reasons just to get out of the house and not do chores. Obviously a toddler will not be much help with a lot of it but there will be little things you can delegate while you get the odd little bit done here and there. Lunch in a supermarket and faffing about in libraries will be wasting a fair bit of time which could be used having lunch or reading at home while still getting other little things done. A lot of it is about priorities and how you manage your time.

Maybe the OP wants to enjoy her life a bit too?

I ended up spending a fiver on the organised mum app, it really worked for me everything is kept on top of. I'm useless I go to do the washing up then see the bin needs emptying so do that instead, then wander off to the bedroom to make the beds and leave the room with something i meant to move 3 weeks ago leaving the beds unmade and after an hour of doing 'stuff' I've actually done fuck all, the app really helped keep me focused and the house is in a decent state all the time now.

I think this depends on the kids.

I would love to do this, but I find days at home harder than being out and about.

I do plan these home days every so often and I'm usually in tears by lunchtime. It's like being on a hamster wheel - me endlessly cleaning / tidying up and the kids at the back of me making a mess again.

They pull cushions and throws and duvets onto the floor to play The Floor is Lava etc. Yes, it stresses me out massively, no I don't think they are badly behaved kids for doing it. They are just kids being kids.

But at the end of the day it results in house being a tip and me being completely stressed and overwhelmed.

Whereas on the days we go out, if I can get the house is some semblance of order the night before, then our first thing in the morning, when we get home late afternoon it's more or less the way we left it, and the kids are tired out so aren't charging around like crazed bulls.

My answer to them both would be “The cleaning stuff is under the sink and the Hoover is that way..crack on”.

I am in a similar position un terms of working part time and toddler with me when not at work. It’s a bloody hard balance is my first comment. Secondly, and I do this because I like my house to be cleaned to my own preference if that makes sense e.g. no one is coercing me… I break my house jobs down into very small chunks through the week rather than trying to tackle the lot at once which is overwhelming/impossible with a little one in tow. So for example I will clean/hoover lounge on a Monday. Probably takes me 15/20 minutes if I blast through it. I will do bathrooms another day as again I can do them in about 20 minutes if I’m focused and same throughout the house…. My littlest one is happy enough to please himself for this length of time (sometimes stick a Julia Donaldson on the telly as they are about the right length) and I don’t resent the time away from him as by the time it finishes I am ready to do something with him. Hope this is helpful

I'd tell your in laws that when their son decides to take on full financial responsibility for his wife and child, then I'll take on full responsibility for the house.

A good marriage is about teamwork, not the wife winning the “best” housekeeper of the month award.

You need to tell your MIL and your DH that you don’t wish to model domestic servitude to your child and that DH is a poor role model of a modern father.

Single parent her who works ft and studies too with one 4 year old. My housework is crap because I cba and have no time.
My sister criticises regarly and I simply hand her a hoover or mop and say fill your boots.
Genuinly just say hoover is there if it bothers you and carry on.

I think you're doing amazing and they should piss off commenting 🙈

If you were to keep up with it all, you'd end up burnt out and wouldn't have chance to poo, trust me, I've tried being a pErFeCt housewife and it's just simple not doable.

The way I see it, as long as the kids are happy, fed, and wearing clean clothes, you're winning, the house can always wait!

I was meant to put 'simply' not doable 🙈

So we both work full time so have a cleaner to to the big jobs once a fortnight. In your situation I’d suggest a few things, obviously to be split with husband too when he’s around…

• how old is toddler? If still eating sun a high chair I’d do dishes/wipe surfaces/do dishwasher while they are having snacks.
• do they nap at nursery? If they do they can nap without you driving, if they don’t just give them quiet time under a blanket
• cut one of the outside activities each day, let them watch some tv in a room where you can tidy/fold laundry/pair socks/prep dinner
• put washing machine & dishwasher on before leaving for class in morning (same applies on work days)
• clean bathroom while they are in bath, doesn’t need to be whole thing each time
• Whoever does bedtime routine other parent cooks dinner and tidies kitchen or puts clean washing away at same time
• Saturday morning is ‘chores morning’ for an hour or 2 in our house- hoovering/polishing etc gets done then - kids get age appropriate tasks so from toddler would get a duster to ‘polish’ or some toys to put an a box so they are participating
• outsource what you can afford, have food shopping delivered
• get rid of any clutter to make it easier

Juggling is tough though, it does get easier as they get a bit older and need less close supervision/can help a bit

I think you are doing really well but I am a bit concerned about leaving toddler in car sleeping. What if someone stole car? Also it is not good for toddlers to be too long in car seat especially in awkward sleeping positions.
Perhaps encourage some quiet time in his cot in the afternoons.
However, no need to eat yourself up about the housework.

Please don't leave your child alone sleeping in the car even for a few minutes.

I agree with PP you need a DH who shares the chores. At the weekend get him vacuuming or washing bedding. Got two toilets? Clean one each. Men are not incapable.

OP why are you out all the time? Your days seem extremely busy so I’m not surprised you are so tired!
When my children were toddlers we would go to the park a few times a week but not everyday, they were quite happy playing at home most days whilst I got on with other tasks.
What do you do on the weekends? Can you and your partner not just do a full clean on either sat/sun?

This is my exact reaction. What does your lazy husband do OP?

I think it depends what your priorities are, I was a lone parent when DD was a toddler and got into a good routine. The majority of my housework was done at night time after DD went to bed but it only took half an hour as I done it every night then at the weekends if she went out with her dad for a few hours I would do a proper clean of her room. I think your toddler will get more independent soon and you will be able to clean round him. Having said that, could you take turns with DH to take toddler out on a Saturday morning to swimming etc & whoever has the child free time cleans? I'm a lot more productive when nobody is in the house!

Tbh I think it's near on impossible to give an opinion on these threads without seeing your house and what your standards are. Granted its totally understandable to not want to show inside your house to the Internet but there is no real of gauging whether your mil has a point or not.

You’re trying to fit too many activities into one day. Although you get to decide your schedule, I’m just giving my take which you’ve asked us all for. Why go to the park twice in one day? And why fit four or five activities in when one is fine. Your Ds may be overstimulated and no wonder you’re tired and he’s not falling in with your plans: a toddler class, the park, I think you said eating out, library and park again. No need for all that stuffed in. You have four free days, you don’t need a cleaner. You’re stuffing in all the activities and then expect him to nap in a certain time you’ve allotted. Of course he falls asleep in the car, it’s the only quiet time he gets to himself 😂 Rethink your schedule. It is exciting and fun to do all the activities, I remember that time, but maybe just slow down a bit.

Definitely suggest doing less and having a couple of hours at home, even if you don't tidy.

Why aren't the two of you working together in the evenings/at weekends?

What does your DH contribute?