To think I’m not lazy/a shit housekeeper but would like your opinions please

[Amialazymum]

So I have a lot of jokey comments from my husband and his mum and dad (mum mainly!) about how bad my housekeeping is. They do praise my parenting and we all get on well, I do think they genuinely mean them as jokes although I think MIL maybe does mean them a bit as well but it’s Ok. However I am wondering if I should be trying to do a bit more.

I work 3 days a week. On my two days where I’m not in work I try to do some laundry (mostly putting it away) in the morning when I get up with ds. We go to groups in the morning and then out to the park. Lately I’ve been going to a supermarket for lunch as kids eat free and to be honest it’s one less thing to do housework wise. Toddler has been refusing to nap but does still need it and the only way I can do this is in the car! I nip in and out of the house and do quick tasks like empty dishwasher and so on as DS sleeps on the drive but I can’t do anything major.

He has tea at around 5, bed at 7 after a bath and books at about 6. This is the time when I should be doing house stuff and I’m guessing this is where most people do it? But I’m so tired!

I am only really scratching the surface and I need to do things like organise properly cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, hoovering and so on. Just wondering how others manage?

What needs doing is v v relative. A pp said dust once a week. I do it about twice a year if I'm feeling REALLY motivated. If you are happy with the standard in your house (barring real, unhealthy squalor) then stop worrying about anyone else things. My mum is very OTT about cleaning and I know she must hate some aspects of my house but also gets that as a working sp there's much less chance and frankly, inclination to scrub skirting boards regularly. And yes, obviously, your DH ought to be doing his share.

OP , next time they make their snide comments- you should reply:
' oh im glad you mentioned this. Can i drop toddler at yours this Thursday so i can catch up on the cleaning. Thanks'

I wonder about this as well.

I'm in the exact same situation as you. I do what I can but it's overwhelming.

Some people have houses the same as mine. Some peoples are immaculate and I don't know how they do it.

I guess organisation is the key. Everything in their house has a place. So it's just a case of putting things back in their place. We don't have that.

We moved house two years ago, with two young kids. To a beautiful, but small 200 year old cottage. Very little storage space and small rooms. Things are still where we put them when we haphazardly moved in two years ago, and we would benefit from a major deep clean and de clutter. But we don't have the time. There's also just no getting around that it's a small house with limited storage options.

Well every time your husband or MIL makes a 'joke' I would go back with 'as the other adult in the house, I guess that makes you/your son lazy/a shit housekeeper too then'

We both agreed that I was shit at housekeeping, so I went full time and he gave up work. He is an absolutely amazing housekeeper, everybody's happy. Well apart from maybe the kids as he shouts at them but hey ho.

You sound eerily similar to us @picnicshicnic !

Why are out every second of every day. Screw that. When ds's were very young (donkeys years ago) because I worked, my 2 days off/with them I was largely at home. Or nip to the park just to get them out. Or meet PNG but that wasn't every week. And because I was home it was relaxed: Ds's played, did things, while I pottered around and cooked and cleaned.

Don't beat yourself up. Looking after children is a full time job in itself. Keep on top of kitchen and bathroom. The rest of the house will still be there when they start school. Enjoy your time with them when they are young. Trust me in a few years time they will hibernate in their rooms. Your kids won't remember a clean tidy house when they are adults, but they will remember activities and fun they had with you. I wish I had taken my own advice as a young mother!!!!

Unless your child is scraping day old food off the floor to eat then you’re fine!

I really don't think they should be making comments (unless your house is actually squalid but I'm sure it's not). I WAS a rubbish housekeeper. When DH and I got together I got a lot of comments from my in-laws who are Indian and very much believe it's a woman's job to do ALL house chores (please note, I'm talking about his family. I'm sure not all Indian families are like this). I was working full time and really didn't see why I (not he) was getting so much criticism.
Anyway, 20 years have passed. I'm now a mother of 2, only work 17 hours a week and I love housekeeping! Very sad I know but I get great satisfaction from it. I do everything because I like to be in control. I also have a cleaner which is a huge help.
I suppose I'm saying there are times in your life when you have no time or interest in housekeeping. There are other times when you might prioritise it. Or maybe not - maybe it will always be boring for you. As long as you're all happy, your in-laws should butt out.

Why are they judging you not your husband too? Why are they judging anyone though. It's something they value, you can say please stop joking about this. We all have different skills, values and interests. WE would love to be as good as cleaning as you are. But WE don't joke about your (pick on one of the men for this) lack of interest in (X DIY, gardening whatever it is that isn't too offensive).

I actually do this to my mils husband and they back off a bit.

Get a cleaner if you can afford it. My DH is very very much a feminist but doesn't see mess. I recently got a new massive job, it's very outing but is seriously senior over three days. I usually work 50 hours in 3 days and bits on other days around the kids. I upped the cleaner to twice a week as I was doing housework on my days off when knackered.
My in-laws are very traditional and once asked me why I didn't do their son's ironing (this was when we had just moved in, they wouldn't dare now
I replied 'Women didn't die under the kings horse for me to do your son's ironing'. Never a comment since

The two days you're not 'working' you are working, you're carrying for your very young child (and they're tiring). You're pattern of out and about with your toddler is clearly one that works for you both, I know when mine were that she we HAD to leave the house once a day or it would all unravel.
So you and DH are working 5 days a week. Evenings and weekends you both divide your time up to have the house as clean and tidy as it needs to be.
Everyone has different levels of ok.
Some people make themselves a martyr to a spotless home (perhaps your mil)
Some people prioritise some rest (not a bad thing is it!)
In the time you have there are competing ways you could spend it. You're doing what works for you.
When your child is older you might do something else.
Unless its a health hazard it's fine

It's hard when you are in the thick of it. But your toddler won't be this age for long. It sounds like it's the car driving for the nap which is throwing you out of kilter. But it won't be forever.

At some point he won't need a nap/will go to nursery/be more able to play by himself at home. Then life will feel more manageable again 😀.

In the meantime, personally I wouldn't bother about whether the house is more in a state than usual. Get a cleaner if you can but if not just tell yourself "this is temporary" 😎. Best of luck.

That sort of day is very full on OP. No wonder you're knackered by the evening.

My advice would be to pull your day back a bit more so you're not on the go all day, and also get DC used to playing independently for small periods of time.

Mine were never going to be the toddlers who happily played for hours whilst I cleaned, so I made peace with that. Getting them used to playing for 15 minutes so I could drink a cup of tea, then half an hour so I could do some jobs close by made a huge difference because by 3 they'd sit with a colouring book for half an hour at the table and I could quickly do the Organised Mum Method (TOMM) 30 minutes kitchen clean.

The Organised Mum woman, forgotten her name now, talks about being your future friend. If you're on the go all day then you might be forgetting to be kind to yourself and give yourself space to be your future friend.

Yanbu. I think there are 3 issues here. The overstepping comments from PIL, the actual housework and DH taking sone more responsibility. I have a toddler (plus older one) and work 3 days a week and have a cleaner 2 hrs a week. The cleaner just keeps the basics done and is hugely helpful. Toddler also naps still which is hugely helpful and I work from home 2 days (toddler in nursery) so manically get bits done then. Also DP puts toddler to bed so I get sone little bits done then. So, just to say I think you’re doing great given everything! And my toddler doesn’t get as many outings as yours does.

I think you need to work out a gentle (initially) rebuke for PIL comments. They need to know it is mildly upsetting and not ok. Either turn away and ignore totally as if nothing has been said or make a small but pointed comment.

it sounds like you need to get on top of things in order to stay on top of them. Have a day where PIL take toddler and together you and DH tackle the house so you feel more organised? Then agree tasks so that you have a shared plan going forward. Yes, it’s nice if you can take on a bit extra as you have more time at home but a toddler is full on and you’re providing a lovely full schedule for them.

I think maybe you could ditch one activity per day (eg park/library) so you have an extra hour at home with toddler. Yes, progress is much slower with them around (we get the “helping” too!) but they do get better and an extra 2 hours per week even at toddler-encumbered speed is helpful. I also race round the kitchen while dd is eating lunch.

@absolutelyknackeredcow
Fantastic response to the in laws 👏👏

OP
in my opinion you’re getting things 100 % correct .
Carry on spending that time with your toddler - they really are only little for a short time . The housework can get fine when they’re older !
just do enough to get by for now and ask for help from those around you

🙄 not fine - done

First off, I agree with PP that this does not all fall to you. I would expect you to pick up a bit more of the housework working 3 days but not be the only one doing it. It is really hard with a toddler under your feet. I remember the days of living in chaos and doing a panic clean when people came around. I suspect most people do that to a greater or lesser extent.

Practically, routines help. My top tips would be:

• clean the kitchen every night before you go to bed (it's so worth it)
• clean the bathroom while the toddler is in the bath
• get big jobs done at the weekend when one of you can watch the toddler
• do less out of house activities, morning or afternoon not both
• it has to be a team effort

@Amialazymum maybe I'm just lazy but I get more done in the house because i only do one outdoor trip per day - either we do library/park in the morning or a class in the afternoon. I can't be bothered getting all packed up to do that twice a day. In the summer, we also potter in the garden then i use that time to do garden tasks. I tend to do things in bits, like taking 10 mins to do dishes when toddler is distracted or as he's gotten older ask him to help with something that doesn't cause too much chaos. He's good at 'hoovering' with his toy hoover while i do the actual hoovering 😁

The fact you state "They do praise my parenting" seems you'd feel their opinion matters - it dosnt. Sod them. You sound to me like your doing amazing. Working and raising a toddler. You are smashing it. As long as Ecoli isn't growing in your carpets or dishes ect then it's good isn't it? You have clean clothes, you are all fed, you are all clean, bugger any messy bits. I hate when inlaws feel the need to throw us under the bus over trivial shit

I was in your position about 5 years ago. Working 3days, active toddler ( plus baby) and exhausted. We went out lots, ate lunch in supermarkeys too and I did the minimum housework. I could have priotised housework, but why? Children are little for a short period, plus I was happy with my home.

The answer was definitely that my DH should have done more. Those days off with little kids are difficult to get things done. Also decluttering a lot helps. That's IF you want to change things. It's your house, if you are happy that's all that matters. People who are/ have been in your position tend not to make those sorts of comments as they know how challenging it is.

I also has changed my perspective on feeling responsible for the state of the house. It's not my fault if the place is untidy- it reflects on him as much as me. Any more comments from your in laws can be met with it being sign they want to help out - either with housework or having your son for a bit.

How embarrassing for MIL to have raised a son that doesn't defend you properly against her sexism.

Your in-laws should keep their opinions to themselves , and if you and your husband want to live in a mess then that’s your choice but your schedule on your days off looks ridiculous to me , your child could play in the house or a safe garden for a bit whilst you get on with other things .

I am the same as you, work 3 days, have toddler plus school runs on the other 2. I don't do much on the toddler days, maybe some laundry and whip round with the vacuum. Most of my housework is done once OH gets home from work (he finishes mid afternoon) or at the weekend when he can help with kids.