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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take DD out driving?

85 replies

Jknow · 13/01/2023 01:58

DD is 18 and learning to drive. She’s been having lessons since July. She has her own car which has been fitted with a dual brake, she has her lessons in her own car.

I first went in the passenger seat with her a few months ago and no word of a lie, it was fucking terrifying, her driving was awful (basic stuff like driving directly at a row of parked cars). I decided I’d let her have a good few more lessons before I went out practicing with her again.

I tried it again today, and she is a bit better now,
I only had to brake for her twice, grab the wheel to stop her from clipping a house once, and she hit the curb once. But it was still pretty scary, she’s very erratic and despite trying my best to stay and sound calm my heart was going like the clappers.

i know she needs more hours on the road practicing, that’s the only thing that’s going to get her ready to pass. And I’m a single parent so it’s all on me, there’s no one else who can take her out. And I know I’m being unreasonable in not wanting to take her, but I guess it’s a self preservation thing, it honestly feels like anything could happen.

How can I make this more bearable? Also, driving instructors, I salute you, I’m definitely crossing that off the list of jobs that I could do.

OP posts:
cpphelp · 13/01/2023 02:05

Sorry if I'm missing something, but can she not complete with a driving instructor?

My dad 'helped' me and my sister alongside driving instructors, we both passed first time.

My mum took us both out less than a handful of times and was as nervous as you sound.

I'm an AWFUL passenger due to a serious accident so I do feel for you, but for your child's sake, perhaps you shouldn't be the teacher? I won't be to my boys as I know I'll be detrimental to them

Original poster
Jknow · 13/01/2023 02:08

Oh she’s still having lessons, but she needs to practice around the lessons, as 36 hours of teaching in she’s nowhere near ready to pass, and I can’t pay for infinite amounts of lessons.

OP posts:
redtshirt50 · 13/01/2023 02:10

She probably doesn’t like driving with you either if you’re constantly on edge.

it’s really off putting for the driver having a nervous passenger too.

when I was learning to drive me and my mum had the same problem - every trip we took together ended in tears or an argument so we stopped going out!

Or if we did go out it was VERY early morning when not many cars were on the road, or my mum drove me somewhere and we just practiced the manoeuvres (parking etc)

how far does the instructor think she is from passing?

cpphelp · 13/01/2023 02:12

I wonder though if honesty you'd be better to help her to practice her car parking skills in the back of a Tesco one night rather than during the day to day driving?
I honestly mean that nicely, I won't be teaching my boys as I'm terrified and I don't want that rubbing off on them, but a reverse park and a small reverse in car park space to petrol station pump then roundabout I can deal with! 😉

cpphelp · 13/01/2023 02:17

I actually remember getting out in the middle of the road in a deserted village ( I literally stopped the car in between both lanes) and screaming at my dad that I was never driving again.
We swapped seats and he drove me home to my mums.

The next day I passed and he was the first one I called. I forgave him immediately 😂

Topseyt123 · 13/01/2023 02:22

You are not unreasonable, and not alone.

I never took any of our three DDs out when they were learning to drive because I know it simply wouldn't have worked for us. I wouldn't have been able to keep calm and, as I said to them at the time, I would rather we continued to get along well.

I was taught to drive by a parent and, it was not a calm situation. It was very difficult.

My DH didn't take them out either. He had a similar tense situation with a parent when learning, and also is very bad at explaining himself clearly on many things. He'll say one thing but mean something totally opposite and expect that the other person just magically knows what he means.

So us teaching our children to drive just wouldn't have worked. They had to have lessons. All passed their tests and are good drivers now.

ShandaLear · 13/01/2023 02:28

My dad only ever let me practice with him in empty car parks - Park and Rides are great because they’re big and not too busy usually - and technical aspects like reversing round corners, parking, going up and down gears, that sort of thing. So think about areas where you could help that would also make you feel relatively safe.

BungleandGeorge · 13/01/2023 02:58

You’re not unreasonable at all. If she’s that bad after 36 hours of lessons it sounds like driving is not coming naturally to her! Is she learning in an automatic?

Nat6999 · 13/01/2023 03:13

My dad took me out every weekend & came to meet me from work in my car so I could drive home in rush hour traffic. It was only my dad forcing me to drive in all weather conditions & times of day that got me through my test.

Nandocushion · 13/01/2023 03:38

Ugh me too OP. I'm already dreading this weekend's outing, and my DD is much better than yours by the sounds of it! The worst part is that I start off OK and get more and more nervous, whereas she starts off nervous and slowly warms up. So when she's just getting into it, I make her take us home.

I also thought about just paying instructors to do it all, but it's just too expensive.

ItsGettingCold · 13/01/2023 03:40

Oh my that sounds really stressful.
Do the schools not provide drivers education?( I'm in the US)

unkownone · 13/01/2023 03:49

Oh I feel for you. Yesterday mine stopped on a busy highway as she got confused where she was turning 🙄 she’s great now with the streets around home and the next town but has the odd moment which freaks me out. I paid for a few lessons and this week they taught her reverse parking. She’s so much better but was very similar to yours. Unfortunately only practice helps as scary as that is. I’m also not allowed to take her out for long drives only DH though I’m happy with that as I hated it!

Coffeecreme · 13/01/2023 04:25

i never had practice
i went with my dm once but i had to abandon that!

i did take my ds out but managed to stay calm.
you dont have to take your dd out op

amylou8 · 13/01/2023 04:42

I took my eldest out when he was learning. He's the most sensible kid going, and it still scared me shitless. My youngest is leaning in an automatic, so is unfortunately unable to drive my car! I think if you're that scared to go out with her it's going to be counterproductive. You could try at 6am on a Sunday when the roads are quiet, see if it works any better, but ultimately if you're that scared/she's that bad then she needs to spend more time with the instructor.

PinkSyCo · 13/01/2023 04:49

You are not obliged to get in the car with your daughter. Plenty of people pass without needing extra practice on top of their driving lessons.

Flatandhappy · 13/01/2023 04:50

We’re in Aus where learners have to log 120 hours including some night driving, motorway driving etc. before they can take their test. I hated it with DD tbh even though she wasn’t a bad driver. We did a lot of it with her driving to and from school but there was a roundabout on the way that made me feel like throwing up daily. If you take proper driving lessons you can do ten lessons where they count as two hours for one so we did that to start and a few to get her test ready at the end but lessons are expensive so it was a slog. Her dad was willing to take her but she preferred driving with me. DS has no interesting in learning, I am not pushing him.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 13/01/2023 05:00

How can she still be so shockingly incapable after 36 hours with and instructor? I took my test and passed first time after that many lessons. My parents didn't take me out either, the lessons were it!
I would be finding a new instructor.

Oblomov22 · 13/01/2023 05:05

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm not sure what you are doing is helping. My dad taught me to drive by taking me to the middle of nowhere, a huge open space, and teaching me clutch control, reversing, moving the car around comfortably. I then only had a few lessons with a driving instructor and passed. 20 years later Dh did the same to ds1. I took him to a huge carpark and we just drove around, back and forth. By the time I took him out on the roads, round roundabouts and hill starts at traffic lights, he was a lovely little driver, calm and confident. A few more lessons and he passed.

3487642l · 13/01/2023 05:07

Does she need more time practicing in an empty car park to develop the basic skills?

Oblomov22 · 13/01/2023 05:08

I also agree re pp, why is she so poor after 7 months and 36 hours of lessons? I'd have a polite but stern conversation with driving instructor re what the main areas to focus on, and what the objectives and timeframe is for getting her passed.

Oblomov22 · 13/01/2023 05:16

Plus once he had his test booked I had looked up the video for the test route. I made him watch it. It shows all the test routes they take, the deliberate tricky bits they test. So I took him to all those places, on those routes. Showed him that tricky little roundabout and where they expect you to increase speed to 50, and the next sign where he then needed to decrease down to 30. He said it was invaluable and was the reason he passed.

Murdoch1949 · 13/01/2023 05:39

I took all my children and my eldest granddaughter out for practice road driving. It does take nerves of steel but is so worth it to help develop their road awareness. Mine all had professional lessons, but nowhere near 36, and at £25+ a pop that's a lot of money (maybe her lessons are cheaper as she uses her own car)! Your daughter has been learning for 6 months so should be at a more skilled stage than she is, some people just aren't able to develop driving skills easily. This means that if you can take her out it will help her and save you money. Maybe for your stress level you need to go to large supermarket carparks on Sunday afternoons and practice manoeuvres - parking, turns in road, reversing etc. Then as she improves and you settle into it you can try road driving. Choose your time carefully, go out when the roads are as empty as possible, early morning, mid evening etc. We used to do the test routes so they developed good knowledge of the likely roads on which they would be tested.

Anycrispsleft · 13/01/2023 05:54

It sounds to me like the main problem here is not so much whether you should be teaching her, more why has she had 36 lessons and still is nowhere near passing her test? How is her spatial awareness and hand-eye coordination in other things, is she someone who has problems with that? Or maybe she needs a different teacher? I mean I say this as someone who needed 30 lessons and three tests to get my license, but if you don't even see her making progress then maybe she needs to change something.

FrenchandSaunders · 13/01/2023 05:55

36 hours of lessons and she still drives like that!! I’d find a new driving instructor as that
doesn't sound right.

I took both of our DDs out regularly, it was nerve wracking to start but got used to it.

BCBird · 13/01/2023 06:01

I would simply not do it. Going out with her could undermine her progress with the instructor and damage your relationship. I understand the vost implications. Is there any way she can do something at home to help pay for this? If not then tell her she needs to get a part time job to fund it. I understand too,from.experience, that it may not come naturally to.her.