To not want to take DD out driving?

[Jknow]

DD is 18 and learning to drive. She’s been having lessons since July. She has her own car which has been fitted with a dual brake, she has her lessons in her own car.

I first went in the passenger seat with her a few months ago and no word of a lie, it was fucking terrifying, her driving was awful (basic stuff like driving directly at a row of parked cars). I decided I’d let her have a good few more lessons before I went out practicing with her again.

I tried it again today, and she is a bit better now,
I only had to brake for her twice, grab the wheel to stop her from clipping a house once, and she hit the curb once. But it was still pretty scary, she’s very erratic and despite trying my best to stay and sound calm my heart was going like the clappers.

i know she needs more hours on the road practicing, that’s the only thing that’s going to get her ready to pass. And I’m a single parent so it’s all on me, there’s no one else who can take her out. And I know I’m being unreasonable in not wanting to take her, but I guess it’s a self preservation thing, it honestly feels like anything could happen.

How can I make this more bearable? Also, driving instructors, I salute you, I’m definitely crossing that off the list of jobs that I could do.

@asanityisamyth lol not enough coffee *brakes

This. It sounds very unusual. To be so poor on spatial awareness and control after this time. Can you change teacher or did you pay for a course? Is it much cheaper because she is using her own car?

🤣

I also refused to take DS out on lessons mainly because my insurance was going to be sky high. I am also not a driving instructor . But he passed after 16 lessons. Even with more lessons it would have still been cheaper than adding him as a learner driver. I was not used to cars as my family didn’t have one so had about 40 lessons which meant that was my total practice time when I passed. I also changed instructor because the first 10 lessons were actually terrible. I had unfortunately block booked.

It’s the instructor or she is just terrible or a bit of both but I think you need to stop teaching her. How much extra was your insurance?

36 hours is nothing, really. It's 3 days in real terms.

She needs a new instructor. Obviously this one isn't helping her.

It may just be his style doesn't suit her.

I had three instructors, and the first was awful and terrified me, the second was too slow and patient and the third.... He got me...he undid all the damage the first did and I passed after 10 lessons with him.

In fact, 7 years after passing, I've only just told my family and DH some of things my first instructor did and said and they're all appalled (think making me pay, on the spot, for a tyre after I clipped a kerb, taking me on the busiest and most notorious round about in the town, on my second lesson, shouting at me for stalling).

If my child was driving that dangerously that I wouldn't want to be in the car with them they shouldn't be driving in the first place

It is dangerous

To answer some questions - DD is autistic and I’m not sure it’s so much spatial awareness that is the problem as just not being observant. For example, I’ve had my car over 3.5 years and if I go to pick her up from somewhere she doesn’t recognise my car, I have to beep to get her attention. I think that’s the scariest thing, I know she’s not at all aware of things around her and may not notice potential hazards, I know that’s how she’s wired.

Her car is an automatic. I knew she was going to find driving tricky so I thought I’d make it as easy as I could for her.

We live rurally and public transport is rubbish around here, I really want her to be able to drive as it will be difficult for her to ever be independent without driving. But it’s definitely not coming naturally to her.

I have been speaking to her driving instructor regularly. He thinks she should be ready to take her test by around April. She was booked in for a test in February but I changed it yesterday as there was no way she’d be ready, and the earliest one I could get after that is June. So we have a while but it’s clear that she needs a lot of practice around her lessons. Her instructor said her worst thing is roundabouts - she just doesn’t understand how they work and he’s tried every trick in the book. I haven’t done roundabouts with her yet, you have to drive quite far to get to one, but I’m dreading that.

No lessons aren’t cheaper for her using her own car, even though it’s our car and fuel she’s using. I struggled to find an automatic instructor so that’s why I had to get the dual brake fitted so she could learn in her own car, with a regular instructor. I don’t think the instructor is the problem, he’s very experienced.

That's one hell of a drip feed.

1. You expect her to be bad so are reinforcing that so even more, someone else must teach her.

1. You should be looking for strategies specifically to support someone with her challenges. What works for the vast bulk of the NT population clearly is not working for her.

DH is autistic and really struggled to learn to drive. He couldn't make the rules of the road 'fit' with what he thought the rules of the road should be, and also struggled with the fact that other road users would not stick to either his rules or the actual rules.

He got there eventually - we had a sort of debrief after his lessons to talk round why things were as they were or why they had happened - I think NT people would have just known or accepted these things. I went out with him a few times to practice (8 months pregnant at the time 😱) and realised he wasn't thinking how I was thinking, so had to try different ways of explaining. There were still many fights and threats of divorce!

And his poor driving instructor! She was still in training when they started, I'm sure he was great practice for her

@Jknow that information would have been VERY useful in the original post ...

Would modelling roundabouts at home be useful? An old child's play at and some Lego cars? Or draw a roundabout on paper and some cotton reels for cars? Anything so you can run through different scenarios with her?

Sorry if it’s seen as a drip feed - I didn’t actually think it was that relevant as autistic or not, she still needs to practice. Also although I am not diagnosed, I have 2 dc (different fathers) who are both diagnosed, I’m the common denominator and knowing what I know now about autism (and myself), I would eat my hat if I am not autistic. And I learnt to drive fairly easily (passed less than 3 months after turning 17). Although in hindsight the instructor did offer my dad his money back and said I was the first person who had made her consider giving up driving tuition 🤣. But my point is, it’s not like autistic = unable to learn to drive so I didn’t see that it was that relevant. DD is bright and capable in lots of ways.

@sanityisamyth her instructor said there is an app for practicing roundabouts, although he doesn’t know what it’s called. I think she’s over complicated them in her head and completely bamboozled herself. I was talking through them with her the other day and she was like “oh! That’s it? Instructor makes them sound so much more complicated than that”. We are yet to put them to the test in practice though.

Presumably her instructor won't put her in for a test if he thinks she won't pass. But is there any question in your mind that she will pass a test at some point, OP?

Well, no, of course autistic does not equal can't drive.

But in your update you specify that she has issues with not being observant or recognising things around her. You also provide this as info on why YOU are so nervous regarding her driving. The autism itself is not the issue, but how it presents in this case and how that impacts both her and you absolutely is and would certainly have changed my initial feedback.

Have you considered an intensive course? Sometimes the issue with lessons is that you do 1 or 2 hours a week, half of each lesson just ends up recapping and relearning what you forgot from last week

My DS had just done a 35 hours intensive course over 7 days with test on the last day and passed. Day 1 and 2 were really hard but by day 3 he was so much more confident and by the weekend he started to feel ready for his test. It was a big chunk of money and still worked out at about £40 per hour but really helped him. He has ADHD and felt the big chunks of practice was the key, with no time to forget things.

Is the instructor right fit for her? Sometimes someone's teaching doesn't sit right with student. My husband changed his instructor and new one was way much better. I like all those youtube videos that explain roundabouts etc. in very simple terms. Good luck OP, I always feel sorry for parents teaching kids how to drive, rolling 15mph 😂

I helped all mine but I learnt to find a quiet office park place on the edge of town that was deserted on a Sunday. We only drove round there doing roundabouts manoeuvre ing etc until I felt they really had proper control of the car. Before that I chose a local park but that was much too busy with pedestrians etc. later on we practiced test routes and the tricky bits in them. After they passed I paid for our lovely instructor to do pass plus and get them more used to motorway driving and rush hour driving. It was very expensive having them insured on our modest car but I felt it was a life skill they all needed.

@MeridianB honestly the way she is now it’s difficult to see how she will ever pass. But her instructor thinks she will be ready by April 🤷‍♀️. Personally I think it’s likely she’s going to need a few tests before passing.

Honestly, I think going out with a parent can make driving more stressful! My driving instructor told me to stop going out with mine because is made me really stressed!

@HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow she wouldn’t cope with an intensive course, she gets burnt out and tired very easily (there’s been times when she’s not been able to manage the whole two hour lesson because she’s so tired and the instructor has had to drive them back).

OK so you've already made it as easy as possible by going for the automatic.

YANBU to fear going out with her if she still struggles. Remember that with an instructor she is a lot safer because they have dual controls, plus they are a lot more experienced at knowing when and how to intervene.

What I would do is focus on the stuff you can do with her that is low risk. Parking manoevers, theory test etc. Make sure you let the instructor know that they should focus on the "riskier stuff", basic driving skills and not waste expensive time on things you can teach her (or at least wait until she gets better).

Also think about whether this is the right time of year to learn. You can take her out early on a Sunday morning in the summer when it is light with little risk from other cars. Harder to do in the dark and in winter.

It's clear she is not a natural. Yes I'm sure there are people who take a lot longer to pass with even more instruction than this. But I would say that learning for 30 hours plus and still being at the "scary" stage shows she is struggling a lot. You need to be prepared that this is going to be a long haul, not a sprint and that its going to cost and be comfortable with that, otherwise you're both going to get angry and stressed with her lack of progress.

Finally I would look to see whether there is a specialist driving course available for her. I know there are these available for people with SEN/learning difficulties. They may be expensive, but you might save money in the long run as the instructors will be more used to dealing with customers who find driving more challenging and will have developed strategies to help develop good driving skills that normal instructors will have not. Also they should be able to give you an honest opinion on whether or not a pass will be possible.

I wouldn't take her out

She's 18
She's had 36 hours of lessons already
I was a nervous driver who barely got out of 1st and second gear the first 5 lessons. I passed easily with less than 30 hours driving instructor and no additional

Sounds to me that she lacks awareness of road rules - you could drive her round roundabouts and explain how they work.
Sit here in passenger seat and do a running commentary of what you're doing and why

I think it's the road awareness she needs improving on

She can practise manoeuvre skills in a big open car park, late at night or early morning with you

Then she can then practice put them all together in her driving lessons

Some people aren't really meant to drive

My adult DD (adhd) is adamant she won't & I'd be scared if my youngest did as both are very distractible

Neither can focus on the road and I often have to pull over and move them to back seat from passenger as they won't stop distracting me and blocking my view as they can't keep still

It could undermine your relationship. I would be very wary.

But if you go ahead, find somewhere with no traffic (e.g. an estate) and no potholes. Start there

Well no-one knows her like you do, but it does sound like she might be hyper focussed and over stressed. No one is going to learn well in that condition.

Again you might try looking for a specialist instructor that can de stress the experience for her and get her into a more relaxed state so she can learn.