To not want to take DD out driving?

[Jknow]

DD is 18 and learning to drive. She’s been having lessons since July. She has her own car which has been fitted with a dual brake, she has her lessons in her own car.

I first went in the passenger seat with her a few months ago and no word of a lie, it was fucking terrifying, her driving was awful (basic stuff like driving directly at a row of parked cars). I decided I’d let her have a good few more lessons before I went out practicing with her again.

I tried it again today, and she is a bit better now,
I only had to brake for her twice, grab the wheel to stop her from clipping a house once, and she hit the curb once. But it was still pretty scary, she’s very erratic and despite trying my best to stay and sound calm my heart was going like the clappers.

i know she needs more hours on the road practicing, that’s the only thing that’s going to get her ready to pass. And I’m a single parent so it’s all on me, there’s no one else who can take her out. And I know I’m being unreasonable in not wanting to take her, but I guess it’s a self preservation thing, it honestly feels like anything could happen.

How can I make this more bearable? Also, driving instructors, I salute you, I’m definitely crossing that off the list of jobs that I could do.

If she is still driving this erratically after 7 months and with a driving instructor then something is wrong. She either isn't fit to drive or she needs to find a new instructor!
Even when my son first started driving he wasn't as bad as this. I used to take him out between his instructor lessons [ no dual control for us either in my car ]. I was a bit nervous at first with him, but he drove well.

So don't pay.

She's eighteen - she can get a job and fund her own lessons 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is she neuro diverse? It would be unusual to have had lessons for 6 months and still be so basically incompetent - unless her instructor is utter shit

Ooh I feel your pain, I taught dd, DSD and dnephew to drive but luckily there's a learner driving centre near us with roundabouts, turnings etc so I only took them out on the public roads when they were ready, it's terrifying.
When dd passed her test I went out with her and her dbf.
I've never been so terrified in my life, we were on an A road, she put her foot down, never looked properly, didn't slow down for roundabouts, skimmed other cars, I sat in the back shouting "pull over and let me out", I actually had my hands braced on the roof of the car, I got the bus back, swearing never to get in a car with her again.
If I were you I'd drive to a quiet area then swap seats, failing that I'd just say you'll take her when she has a bit more experience.
Good luck, dss is now ready for lessons and there's no way I'm taking him out 😁

As an ADI I'm endlessly amused when people think you should be driving perfectly without scary moments after 30+ hours.

Some people yes, some people no. When the DVSA have done research into how much driving people do before passing, the average comes out at a little over 60 hours, about 40 with an instructor and 20 privately. Of course that's an average, so some people take an awful lot more.

Also given that the research uses survey data, and learning to drive is one of those curious things that people are notoriously unreliable about in terms of self-reporting, I would expect the true number to be higher as people will mostly under report. It's a bit like the notorious Mumsnet chicken and how many portions you can get from one - there is a race to the least hours. I have seen threads on other forums where people have got down to boasting about passing in 4 or 5 hours which is total nonsense.

Whilst probably not very common, it is very far from unusual for someone to still be having iffy moments after 36 hours. It could be that the instructor is hopeless (there are plenty such out there) but could just be the the OPs daughter is someone who is finding it harder than average.

The more I understand about the cognitive and behavioural psychology of learning to drive after doing the job for 10 years, the more I am surprised that some people pick it up so quickly.

So OP, it's tricky being an accompanying driver and not for everyone. But learners do sometimes behave very differently the first few times with a new person next to them or in a new car etc., so perhaps if you persist you will find that she settles a bit (I did when I first went out with my dad after something like 12 hours or so with my instructor - different person, different car and I struggled with basic car control for a little while that I had stopped doing in lessons).

Trying building it up gradually at quiet times of day and seeing if it gets easier. It's also worth noting that some learners have a magic lightbulb moment where others don't. Sometimes it is just a slow gradual grind, but for others there comes a moment where almost overnight they go from struggling to really pretty decent.

Is there anyone else who can take her out ? A family friend for example.
I was taken out for practice by a family friend as neither of my DPs were up to helping. I couldn't do it for DS, I can just about drive myself, but thankfully DH is very calm so he is perfect for the task.

How often is she having the lessons? 36 hours since July doesn’t sound like she’s having them regularly enough. It is far better to have multiple lessons a week all close together. Leaving big gap - even a week is too long really - isn’t helpful. If you can’t afford this (and many of us can’t, I can’t afford to pay for my dd aged 19 to learn!) she’s going to have to pay for herself.

I learnt to drive at 32. I’ll be honest I really struggled. I have anxiety and was so anxious about having a crash it almost paralysed me. I had 60 hours of lessons, one a week and failed 3 times. I then spent £1000 on a week long course, 5 days of driving everyday 8 hours in two 4 hour slots with breaks around a busy city centre and I passed at the end of the week. The constant driving helped me get over my anxiety and made me really “get it”.

I have been driving 10 years with no incidents at all now.

She does need more driving but it doesn’t have to be with you.

I recommend she change driving instructors. After 36 hours and she's still driving like that... it's not good. I had a driving instructor who started with...
Left turns... and next week we'll do right turns... nope! Thank god I changed, I went with this really experienced instructor who said... right let's drive! After 24 hours I had passed my test.
Im a person who hated driving lesions! I would have to get showered and changed afterwards as I would be a sweaty mess!

You both should watch instructors, mock tests and test routes for your area on YouTube. i like DGN driving and Conquer driving

Driving doesn’t come naturally to lots of people. Including me. Doesn’t mean they’ll never pass their test. They’ll just take longer.

Have you spoken to the instructor to gauge what's going on?

You're not a qualified driving instructor.I get that she's got dual breaks but the way you've described her driving she could cause an accident.

Sorry, she's had thirty six hours of lessons and is still nearly driving into houses, needing someone to brake and clipping curbs?

Either the driving instructor is shit, or your driving is not your daughter's calling.

Exactly.

These types of threads always attract people who passed first time with zero minors etc after 20 minutes of sitting behind a steering wheel (😆) and can’t understand that some people will just take longer to learn. It doesn’t mean someone is destined to be a dangerous or shit driver because they take longer.

Drive a mile in my shoes, hell, half a mile with some pupils, and you will soon learn that this is very far from uncommon. I would guess that easily 1 in 5 learners would still require significant levels of intervention at around the 30-40 hour mark.

Perhaps not always physical action - ADIs get very good at verbal intervention before a situation really develops. It might just be a subtle prompt about lane choice when we can sense what a learner is going to do for example - long before the learner has got themselves into a bad position.

As I said above, I wouldn't rule out a poor instructor - there are plenty out there - but 36 hours and still needing lots of intervention is far from unusual.

Would you expect say a novice to knock out a bit of Mozart or something to a moderately competent standard after 30-40 hours tuition? Driving a manual car is heading towards that level in terms of motor skills, but with the added fun of hundreds of other pianists you have to interact with at the same time.

Sounds painful!

grab the wheel to stop her from clipping a house once, and she hit the curb once.
after 36 hours and she doesn't have basic skills?? maybe time for a new instructor.

Either your daughter is shockingly bad and I wonder if they should really be on the road or you’re very nervous and over panic?

I taught my ds to drive, he had 2 lessons as this was during lockdown so couldn’t get instructors, it was fine and this was in a normal car, no duel breaks.
it should t be a big deal, so trying to understand why it’s so bad for you.

Yes, as PP have said - if she is this bad after 30 odd hours with an instructor, then either she has a problem with driving or her instructor is terrible. Or both.

Altnernatively, she's not nearly as bad as you think she is and if she was posting on here it would read, "AIBU to refuse to let my mother teach me to drive? She is absolutely terrified. I was driving perfectly normally and she was so scared I was going to clip some parked cars she grabbed the steering wheel from me. It was so dangerous and terrifying. She also has a habit of using the learners break to just stop me when I'm trying to drive."

Personally, I'm a bit gobsmacked that you've had a second break fitted in her car.

You need to figure out which is the problem - her or you - and then come up with a solution because she needs to learn to drive.

I don’t think you should go out with her, at least not until she has got better with her instructor. You don’t have to at all of course, I never got any practice between lessons and many other people don’t either.

Take her to a empty car park and do it there. A lot less scary for all involved.

They sat you shouldn't teach someone you're close to. I remember going out with my mum and a man beeped me. My mum went ballistic on him! Like other PPs though maybe look to change instructor as she shouldn't be that bad after all those lessons.

It's ok to say to your daughter that it's not for you. Not everyone likes being scared!

My daughter scared me to death when she was learning so for the sake of our future relationship I refused to teach her any more. She passed first time. As did I - and I too was a terrifying learner driver.

I have complained about this before, but the way teenagers are taught to drive in this country just seems crazy. Instructors do all the heavy lifting, they get nowhere near enough practice between lessons and they're not even allowed to drive on certain roads until after they get their license. It's bizarre.

I'm also shocked at how often I see learner drivers on the road being allowed to travel at extraordinarily low speeds, causing chaos all over the place and, I imagine, massively stressing the poor student out.

Learn basic car skills in a car park or whatever.
Begin getting out on quiet roads, probably at awkward times to reduce traffic issues.
Then drive as often as you can. Nervous parents need to get over themselves and stop interfering. I can't believe you felt the need to grab the wheel. If she's really that bad, she shouldn't be on the road. If you're really that paranoid, you shouldn't be helping her learn.

Having said that, it is true that my dad did quite a lot of practice with a few of our friends as their respective parents were like you - excessively nervous and panicky. So maybe you need to see if you have a friend who can do some practicing with her?

Don't want to scare you OP but some people never become good drivers. My sil had 100+ lessons and two failed tests before finally passing. During one test she almost mounted the pavement where a pedestrian was waiting to cross the road. She said that she was concentrating on the pedestrian and the car just went where she was looking! She persisted because she had two small dc and dh worked away, so she needed to be able to drive. Sil only drives locally and will take a longer route in order not have to make a right turn.
I'm sure that your dd won't be this bad/nervous a driver!