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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House sale, 3 adult children, 1 with nowhere to go

266 replies

MakeMineALarge1 · 12/01/2023 17:04

So MIL passed away, she had 3 children ( all children 50 yrs +), I am married to one of them
Adult 1 - I am married to, both him and me in good jobs, 1 dependant child
Adult 2 - Single, decent job, mortgage free
Adult 3 - Single - never had a real job, works hard but plays hard and has never settled down, spend half the year skiing and then comes back lives with mum and goes back again in the winter

MIL passed away, house being kept on as if sold, child 3 will effectively be homeless ( they do have 2 children who both have homes and lots of friends, so wouldn't be on the street ) but he cannot buy the other 2 out and cannot afford to keep the house on his self - the house isn't worth a great deal, say £180,000 ball park figure, so if sold and split equally only £60,000 each, which wouldn't be enough to buy him a place, but would cover rent for a good while until i presume benefits kick in?

Adult 1 and 3 are not pushing for the sale and they will not see number 3 homeless, but this can't go on forever ( its all very recent) I am not getting involved, but would be interested in knowing what others think.

Also this situation very much mirrors my own family with my sibling being very much like adult 3 and I may be facing this conundrum in the future.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 12/01/2023 22:59

He must have thought about what he'd do when his mother died. Has anyone even asked him?

He may have and they definitely need to ask him. But he sounds like a bit of a Peter Pan and my experience of men like that is that they generally stick their head in the sand and assume things will work out.

SpacersChoice · 13/01/2023 04:14

I guarantee the man has never paid child support, all whilst leeching off his own mother. That’ll be the main reason why he fucks off abroad half the year and has no tangible assets.

BagBoxScuttle · 13/01/2023 04:37

The remaining sibling lives there

The house is shared with a lodger or two
So that the property is not left

Look on Gov.uk a person can earn over 7k tax free if they rent out a room in a property that they live in

JudgeRudy · 13/01/2023 04:53

Adult 3 needs to man up. He might not be able to afford to buy himself a house outright but that's a nice deposit....obviously though he would need to get a job. The other alternative is he rents.
There's a third option.He could rent it for now for 2/3 of going rate till he makes a proposal. 3 months rent free I'd more than enough. If he wants to stay longer he pays. Has he actually asked to stay rent free or has it just happened? I'd imagine he knows full well what's coming. You're not making him homeless, he's chosen to not invest in a property and will have torrent like everyone else. Give him pick of the furniture and appliances to help him on his way.

Kapalika · 13/01/2023 05:29

Either way this will cause resentment. There is no escaping that.
why do parents do this kind of shit??
I say sell it. That’s only fair and it will benefit all the children and grandchildren equally.

Anycrispsleft · 13/01/2023 05:42

Adult number 3 needs to take his share of the house sale proceeds and use some of it to buy a camper van.

But you as the DIL OP need to stay well clear. You've got to let the siblings sort it out.

Lincslady53 · 13/01/2023 06:44

Is there a will? If it says that the estate should be equally split 3 ways, the house should be sold. If the will has provision for the 3rd son to remain in the house then the house is not sold.
If it is split 3 ways, £60k would be a good deposit for a property, he will have to get a mortgage on a smaller property or rent somewhere, with a job to pay the rent.

Leeanne922 · 13/01/2023 06:53

Whats the problem? He has somewhere to go, many places out for rent or for sale- just not for free.

hmmmintereting · 13/01/2023 07:01

So much sneering at #3 without even knowing the guy! Not everybody's life turns out 9-5, married with two kids!

Sounds like he's had a charmed life (did MIL like him staying there? - my mum would have loved it). Now she has gone, the house should be sold; that's the right thing.

BCBird · 13/01/2023 07:07

You say you don't want to.be seen as the avaricious daughter-in-law,which I understand. I.would keep.out of it. I would not be voicing any opinion to the other sibling. The free spirit sibling will have to change his life now as mom's hotel.is no longer available. If he can't fund this lifestyle things will have to change.

Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 13/01/2023 07:24

Thank you for everyone's responses
To know there are other families in this position and have had other dilemma's is reassuring
There is a will, all 3 children are executors, the will states the house is to be sold, but she had always said that adult 3 mustn't be turfed out onto the streets, no one has any intention of doing this
Adult 3 is back from overseas next week and has asked that all 3 siblings meet up to discuss things - I think this is really reassuring
Like I have said - there will be no falling our - we will not see him homeless ( but he is the type of person to land on his feet )
We don't want to rent the house out whilst he isn't here, it needs too much work doing on it, which none of us have the time to oversee and we don't want to be landlords.
He has worked all this life - driving jobs etc - he works whilst he is away and obviously pays rent when away
MIL did enjoy having him at home it was mutually beneficial, he did in no way provide care for her, she was very independent.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 13/01/2023 07:26

Kapalika · 13/01/2023 05:29

Either way this will cause resentment. There is no escaping that.
why do parents do this kind of shit??
I say sell it. That’s only fair and it will benefit all the children and grandchildren equally.

But what is a parent to do when a relationship splits up and their child has no where to go?
My mum is in the same situation now with my brother, his relationship has split up and he has nowhere to go, he was sleeping in a wagon! Should she see him on the streets or back in his old room?

OP posts:
MichaelAndEagle · 13/01/2023 07:38

hmmmintereting · 13/01/2023 07:01

So much sneering at #3 without even knowing the guy! Not everybody's life turns out 9-5, married with two kids!

Sounds like he's had a charmed life (did MIL like him staying there? - my mum would have loved it). Now she has gone, the house should be sold; that's the right thing.

Totally.
People also keep saying he needs to get a job despite the OP saying he does work numerous times.

Lacienay · 13/01/2023 07:46

MakeMineALarge1 · 12/01/2023 17:11

That's a good idea. I will put that one forward. However what happens when he is out of the country for 6 months - he pays rent when he is away, not sure he could afford 2 rents - I think he knows himself it will have to be sold, its too big for one person and needs a lot of work doing on it

Show quote history

Then for those 6 months, house is rented out to someone as a short term lease

Ponoka7 · 13/01/2023 07:50

Zizz · 12/01/2023 20:16

Who is the executor? Don't they have a legal duty to deal with the estate by a certain date?

No unfortunately. My sister has only just got around to settling my Mum's probate etc seven years on, it's been stressful. People need to be careful about how their wishes are set out and who is executor.

A proper discussion is needed. If both siblings are happy to not force a sale, a lodger situation might be a solution. He isn't going to get a mortgage at 55 with no stable UK employment and being out of the country for six months. He needs to pay the council tax. The buildings insurance is a bit more complex and will take a lot of ringing around if not a broker. If he needs social care/care home they will come after his share of the house. The issue is him being out of the country, it would disqualify him for over 55 housing and many rentals. Subletting the other rooms might be the way to go.

Ponoka7 · 13/01/2023 07:51

X post, if there is a lot of work needing doing then to be fair to your children, you might have to force a sale. Unless you will invest in the repairs.

Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 13/01/2023 08:01

Probate is going through at the moment, so until that is through no one can do anything
My husband is of the thinking, get it sold without doing the work and split whatever is left

OP posts:
RealBecca · 13/01/2023 08:02

Both brothers are wet to not just have the conversation. Let me guess they are both "chilled out" (translation- wont rock the boat types). They need to take charge and actually administer the will and of there is no will then go through probate. RIP off the plaster and get it done.

Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 13/01/2023 08:05

RealBecca · 13/01/2023 08:02

Both brothers are wet to not just have the conversation. Let me guess they are both "chilled out" (translation- wont rock the boat types). They need to take charge and actually administer the will and of there is no will then go through probate. RIP off the plaster and get it done.

This as all happened in the last 6 weeks, we have had Christmas and holidays
There is a 3rd sibling as well, it isn't down to two brothers!

OP posts:
Testina · 13/01/2023 08:22

@MakeMineALarge1
“Adult 3 is back from overseas next week and has asked that all 3 siblings meet up to discuss things - I think this is really reassuring”

The woman isn’t cold in her grave yet, it’s been 6 weeks.

Everyone is grieving, but only 1 will have a significant accommodation change on top.
He was working abroad when it happened.
He’s still committed to that work abroad for a period and had to go back.
Nobody actually needs the money immediately.
Probate is in progress.
The current running cost is being met by mother’s cash.
One sibling has already raised that they want it sold.
This sibling has already said they want to meet and discuss.

He has done nothing wrong.

So why did you start a thread designed to kick everyone off about him being an entitled shit who need to enter the adult world?

Go back and read your OP. You said he goes skiing for 6 months in the winter.
You also said this can’t go on forever, implying it’s gone on too long already. When actually she’s only just died.

I think you come across exactly how you feared - as the greedy DIL after the money.

You said you wanted thoughts because your own family has a similar situation. Well here’s my advice: represent the situation honestly. Don’t tell people that a sibling is on a ski month ski holiday when they’re working. You have not come across well here.

Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 13/01/2023 08:30

Thank you@Testina for your comments
I don't think I have come off badly. You seem to be the only one who thinks that.
I was asking for opinions. Other people's experiences. I am not kicking him when he's down.
I am not after any money.
Like I said this money if we get any will be out away for our children.
You seem very angry Testing about this.

OP posts:
Testina · 13/01/2023 08:30

As well as just calling it skiing, not mentioning the working, I can also see that you let multiple responses with comments like “jolly”, “holiday”, “sponger”, “able bodied so can work” go by whilst you continued to post.

You certainly weren’t in a rush to correct the wrong impression you caused by just saying he was skiing.

Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 13/01/2023 08:31

And yes whilst he does work when abroad, there's also a lot of skiing and down time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeMineALarge1 · 13/01/2023 08:33

Said brother knows dam well he has lived a life of Riley, he openly admits this to everyone.
I'm not blaming him, he's had a bloody good life whilst everyone else was paying a mortgage.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/01/2023 08:36

They could rent it out as a house share, with sibling 3 staying there when he is at home and paying inflated rent to cover the months he is not there.