Stay Grey or Colour Again?

[Sunnydaysareontheirway]

I've spent a year growing out my colour. I'm 50 and am now almost grey all over, and its getting me down as I look like a wild old scary witch.

I left an abusive relationship over Covid and have noticed I've been ignored and avoided by quite a lot of the parents at my childs school. I sort of it get it, people feel awkward with abuse and that's just the way the world works. He's taken over the friendships we had as a couple. So im feeling a bit down about that and unconfidant in myself post relationship too.

But then my other child has just started reception and I thought maybe I could make some new friends but I just feel SO old.... SO, I'm wondering whether its my grey hair that's putting people off, they were friendly at first but they had a lot of meetups in the evenings before Christmas and as a single parent I couldnt go - no money for babysitters and have kids full time. Or maybe they could think I'm an older confidant mum with a child in an older class and so wouldn't fit into their friendship group....

I was brunette a long time ago, had highlights in my 30s to cover greys and then gradually had my roots done more regularly and by the time I hit 50, although I never had an all over full colour job done my hair was all over dyed. Realised I was spending a fortune in time and money on having my roots done monthly but they were showing fortnightly so then had all the faff of spraying the roots and covering up the grey. OMG what a bloody faff.

Decided to grow it out and I am almost white at the front and its darker at the back. So its not a glamorous type of grey hair. My hair is also pretty unkempt in its style, wild, I'm half Italian so it has a life of its own, bit wirey, never looks tidy. Because of my heritage I look quite young for my age, skinwise, but now my hair is grey I can look like an old scary witch, and that's on a good day....

Question is:
Should I just dye it back and feel like ME again?

What are other people's experiences?
I do enjoy not having to go to the hairdressers as much and the expense but I just don't feel like me. At first it felt liberating but now I just feel old and like Im on a downward slope to old age....maybe I should colour again and do the whole grey thing when I've got my life back on track and have made some friends again..

What's wrong with getting older?

Exactly. I am not yet 50 but am allowing the grey because it feels like a vaguely subversive thing to do. This obsession with not looking old is rather depressing.

Getting older is great. I find it really enjoyable. But for some people going grey makes them look 20 years older, others it doesn't. Most people would rather not look 10, 15, or 20 years older than their actual age. Also, in some industries ageism is rife, so it can keep one in the workforce. Etc. Etc.

I don't think going grey makes people look older. I think, rather, that dyeing their hair makes them look - at first glance - younger. Personally, I think I look very healthy with grey hair and that dyed hair made me look pale and drew attention to the dark circles under my eyes.

Well thanks to the posters who are saying that their friends have aged themselves 10 years going grey. Really nice of you. some friends.
What you lot don’t want to accept is that your dyed hair also ages you - I grew out my colour over lock down and as some people have said when you look at old photos you see how unnatural the dye looked and how harsh the darker colour is against your skin. Also your roots look shit - within a few days the silvers are showing and it is really ugly.
Basically growing older makes you look older and you can choose to accept it and find ways to complement your new appearance or fight it and spend enormous amounts of time and money to just look ‘ok’.
Since growing in my natural grey I have really lost a lot of faith in the human race the way I am judged and treated as a middle aged woman and dying my hair again is not going to take away that knowledge that I’ve gained.

@Doesitmatteranyway true and I dislike everything it says about our society. But as I’m starting from ground zero following a lost decade to domestic abuse I’m ok with dying it back if it helps me feel confident inside. I’ve got to find a job and I’m already experiencing ageism attached to that despite a massive amount of experience. I’ve got to try and rebuild a life with new friends and whilst it makes me feel sad someone would discriminate because of the way someone looks, I think it’s more complicated than that. It’s not about me particularly it’s how the way I look reflects on them and makes them feel. It’s not great but it’s how our society functions right now. I think for now, when I’m starting from scratch I don’t think I’m ready or strong enough to also be trying to change hearts and minds about society’s backwards views towards women. I don’t Botox or even wear make up daily.

Well it sounds like you’ve already made your decision as you say it will help you to make friends and find work so just dye it again and get what you need to rebuild your life. But don’t invite shit judgemental comments from other posters about how crap grey hair is and how ugly older women are - just do what you need to do.
I’m sorry btw about your abusive relationship and well done for getting out and getting free. And good luck with the job hunting.

Sorry but that's hilarious ' deranged fat ghost'

I hear you.

I went to a fancy hairdresser yesterday for a consultation to see if she could fix my bad haircut and as soon as I sat on the chair, she started:

”First, I don’t like your hair colour, you are too young to go grey. I don’t agree with this new movement of women let themselves go and stop looking after their hair. Why are you following this trend?

And I explained that I was loving growing my greys out and in my opinion it gave me a really interesting look and above all PEACE because I would start getting stressed the minute I steped out of the salon after having my roots done knowing that in a few weeks time I would have to find the time and money to go back there again - and I love going to hairdressers btw and pay gladly, but dying my roots made me feel like I was paying to not be me - to hide myself. It felt like the opposite of self love and the opposite of looking after my hair. Very stressful…waiting for the roots to show up again totally defeated the feeling of having them done. I am much happier now and much more confident and want to invest money in haircuts and nourishing treatments + good products - and it will probably be even more expensive but that is okay with me.

The hairdresser who saw me for the 1st time didn’t even know my age but was talking about my age! And she looked older than me and had bright orange hair which looked good on her tbh - if I was a hairdresser myself I would probably experiment with my hair AND discourage people from going grey too otherwise how would I make the bulk of my money?

We then agreed on a treatment to make my hair less fizzy, quoted me a price that was higher then what I saw on the website and when I received the email confirmation, she had booked the treatment for ‘long hair below the shoulder’ when my hair is now super short and above my neck and there is no way to fix the haircut - better to let it grow a bit.
I queried that and she said that working on my hair would be as complicated and time consuming as working on a long hair (?) - my hair is curly but not that hard. So I cancelled the appointment and will use the money to buy a boldplex 3 mask and a good diffuser.

I never considered botox, fillers etc never do facials but I firmly believe now that face / hands and clothes age women more than hair tbh.

And since going grey I received nothing but compliments even with bad haircut and I believe them to be sincere. My daughter is 15 and super aesthetically aware naturally, she is a innate artist with a very good eye, she begged me to not go grey and not cut my hair but once I done it, she was surprised and really liked it - she is also ASD so brutally honest.

OP - this is my second go - I tried to go grey during lock down but one nasty comment from a ‘friend’ made me give up - granted I was dealing with a heartbreak and my self esteem was on the floor. But now that I picked myself up it has been the best decision and there is a powerful but quiet confidence that came upon me and people really feel and respect.

What helped me transitioning at the beggining was following some women on instagram - every time I had doubts I would look at their accounts, see their journey and how they were coping + reading their experiences - now I don’t need it the inspiration anymore but I still follow them for other beauty tricks.
Last time I dyed my roots was July.

Dye it. I have some greys and they look awful. A warm auburn would look lovely with olive skin. Grey hair can be so again, and if you have good skin, don't give in to ageing.

I've been there and back again. After letting my dark hair go grey I wasn't ready and went blonde. It was nice but it ruined my hair and I was embarrassed of it. Dark hair was part of my identity and I decided to go back to it. I would be young and vibrant and the old me!!! However, I've had it done a few months now and although I I initially liked it, I now hate it. I've also noticed hair loss, which I didn't realise was due to the dye before, thought it was just me. It looks fake and the condition is bad. I don't look or feel like the old me at all.

It's made me question everything really. Hair quality is now more important than the colour. It needs to be healthy. But also we can't go back, we must forge a new identity and be confident in going forwards. Hair colour is the wrong focus for me. I need to concentrate on health and fitness. Worrying about Hair colour has wasted so much time and money and caused so much anxiety. Before I dyed it back dark, hairdressers, young people, colleagues, all said they loved the grey. Anyway, I know your mind is made up, but I'd seriously try the new hair cut first and wear some funky clothes and make up. 50 is a really great age.

Don't give up on growing it out!
I decided to grow out my colour in my 40's - I worked with someone a similar age who had the MOST amazing snow white hair.

Do maintain your hair though - White/grey hair is drier - but colouring isn't going to help that.
Sadly mine is still a bit badger colour-wise, the front is very white though, and that's the bit I see 😛 I did decide on a non-frumpy style to avoid it looking "old lady" - I probably get it cut every 12-14 weeks, and permed once a year to enhance the curls. Like the poster above, I do frequently get complimented on my hair by total strangers (I get quite miffed if I go a week without that happening).

Embrace the grey, it really won't be that that's stopping you making new friends and building a new life. It sounds as if you've been through a really tough time, it's not the answer to everything, but find a fabulous but low maintenance style that you love and helps your self confidence.

Just spotted your comments about job hunting - I'm in my 60s, and my most recent interview opened with the comment "wow, what amazing hair"
I started the role earlier this month 🙂

@Doesitmatteranyway I agree with you. We all need to do what feels right for us, though I understand it can be frustrating to read negative comments.

I'm in my forties. My naturally dark brown/black hair is about 40% grey now, I'm growing it long, and I think it's such an interesting colour - it looks almost titanium in some lights, silver in others, it's got all these different lighter and darker shimmery tones through it. Some days I absolutely love it and some days I'm not sure. And I'm fully aware that some of my friends and family think I'm 'letting myself go'. But why should that matter more than what I think? Above all I do not want to be stuck on the merry-go-round of having to cover my roots every three weeks. I've got better things to do.

I think as you get greyer it becomes too high maintenance and your life is dictated by roots and regrowth as you feel embarrassed about it showing

I found my head really itched when having colour and it didn't take very well in places then it often went bl orange after a while

Also there must be risks with the chemicals

I wouldn't rule out lowlights and I did use a temporary mask from Wella which made my hair feel nice