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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being fat...

128 replies

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 12/01/2023 07:15

Makes looking 'presentable' much more difficult?
This morning I have showered, put makeup on, styled my hair.
Last night I put some fake tan on (yes I am pale as well as fat🙄)
Last weekend I spent 2 hours in the salon getting waxed (normally do it myself but I've run out of energy!)
Rinse and repeat all of the above shockingly regularly!
The results of all this effort......I look okay ish, shouldn't scare any small children but not going to turn heads!
I have a very slim, naturally tanned acquaintance who let her thick, dark armpit hair grow a little over the summer. She still looked stunning. If I did that I would look dirty and like I had let myself go!
Does anyone know what I mean, aibu?

OP posts:
blobby10 · 12/01/2023 09:05

I'm gaining weight but can't afford any new clothes so desperately trying to increase activity and decrease food intake. I find that cheap clothes don't look as good on a bigger body as they do on a thinner one. I also find that the definition of 'cheap' clothes is way more expensive than it used to be! I've got some nice lined skirts from charity shops for £5 so hoping they last long enough for me to stop the weight gain.

I stopped wearing make up last year and have never dyed my hair so its going grey. I can't afford to have it cut so it gets put into a ponytail every day. I look rubbish most of the time!

Fluffygreenslippers · 12/01/2023 09:07

Saw a girl the other day in an oversized tee and joggers. She looked cute and casual. If I wore joggers I’d look slobby as fuck.

warmzebra · 12/01/2023 09:09

Thesealsknowsheismagic · 12/01/2023 09:01

it’s not about just dressing for your shape. Lots of us do. But, as an example, when you sit down, the rolls are still visible. Even if you dress to your shape when stood up. It doesn’t work when you sit.

no one said thin people can’t look messy or like that haven’t made an effort. But thin people can make less on an effort, that’s the point of the thread.

I am half South Asian, the trend for flat hair is because (generally) we have thick hair. No one with thin or fine hair are trying to make their hair look flatter. If your hair is think it can still be flat, but look more full that someone with thin, fine hair who is trying to put more volume in. Thick hair, well kept hair is generally considered the ideal. Even made to look flatter thick hair still accept as a better look that flat, thin and fine hair.

Also if your face is quite large (like mine currently is) big hair helps balance it out a bit better. So, again, if you are slim you may be able to pull off flat hair. But if your face is bigger, it can feel like it draws attention to bigger face.

Show quote history

Oh of course, if I were a thin and tall clotheshorse I wouldn't even have to take shape into account!

But if you're going to spend hours preening and fussing to look presentable like OP has, shape is probably one of the quickest and most important factors.

Also, no one said you had to be a walking sculptural creation held precariously together by Spandex! One of my bigger sized friends loves peplum (which fits her body shape as well). She also goes for certain lovely drapey materials that complement her natural folds and curves (whereas if you wear an un-complementary material, they'll look rather more like lumps and bulges than folds and curves).

I think it's a little different for East Asia and South Asia :)

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 12/01/2023 09:14

It's a lot easier to dress when you are slimmer. When I was a size 10 I didn't have to think as much about what I was going to put on as I do now at at a 12/14. And I felt better as well.
I've gained the weight very quickly in the last 2.5 years-peri meno-and for the first time in my life I don't like the way I look in clothes. It's pretty depressing. I used to assume I could still look as nice at a larger size with the use of some strategic draping but I now conclude that I can't tbh.
Probably stuck with the weight though as whatever I try it isn't shifting so I just need to learn to live with it.

UrsulaPandress · 12/01/2023 09:16

@warmzebra

Yes why is that? I have lots of ‘small and round’ Asian friends who always look bloody fabulous in a Sari.

Maybe that should be my next fashion experiment.

warmzebra · 12/01/2023 09:17

@UrsulaPandress sorry, I don't quite follow, why is what?

Menora · 12/01/2023 09:20

I often feel horrible but people tell me I look really nice (unprompted) so perhaps you do look nice you just don’t feel nice

BogRollBOGOF · 12/01/2023 09:21

Posture makes a major difference to anyone regardless of size and shape.

That's strongly connected to confidence and core strength. Youth and fitness are natural advantages to that (which can be factors in being slimmer), but certainly don't hold the monopoly. Pretty much anyone can work on posture.

Whatwhatwhatnow · 12/01/2023 09:25

Tbh my weight has varied from 7.5st to 12st and I thought I looked much better and felt sexier at 12st.

I have gorgeous friends who put on a lot of weight during pregnancy and are still gorgeous. I also have skinny friends who are nothing special to look at.

I think fatness is only one factor in how easy it might be to look good.

Thesealsknowsheismagic · 12/01/2023 09:28

warmzebra · 12/01/2023 09:09

Oh of course, if I were a thin and tall clotheshorse I wouldn't even have to take shape into account!

But if you're going to spend hours preening and fussing to look presentable like OP has, shape is probably one of the quickest and most important factors.

Also, no one said you had to be a walking sculptural creation held precariously together by Spandex! One of my bigger sized friends loves peplum (which fits her body shape as well). She also goes for certain lovely drapey materials that complement her natural folds and curves (whereas if you wear an un-complementary material, they'll look rather more like lumps and bulges than folds and curves).

I think it's a little different for East Asia and South Asia :)

Show quote history

To be honest, I don’t get your reply.

As you can see I said ‘it’s not just about dressing for your shape’. I didn’t dismiss that it helps. It just doesn’t solve all the problems.

I didn’t imply if you are thin you don’t have dress for you body shape, either. Nor did I suggest you should have to wear spandex Or about other expectations. But I think you are kidding yourself if you think dressing for your shape isn’t more of an effort for larger people.

But when you are large, like I am, dressing for you shape doesn’t solve ALL the problems. It doesn’t stop you still feeling uncomfortable. Even spanks don’t hide anything when you sit down.

The thread is about feeling like you need to put more effort in when you are large. Which you seem to agree with. As your friend clearly spends time looking for clothes that she likes, will work with her exact shape and ‘compliment her natural folds’ and have material and details that will drape exactly correctly. That’s more effort there, than I spent when I was thin.

levellingleveller · 12/01/2023 09:30

I dunno. I had a properly morbidly obese friend, I knew her around the age of 40, and she always looked great. Always really, really well turned out. She did have thick, glossy hair that held a style well…maybe that helped.

Ariela · 12/01/2023 09:30

My friend and I discussed this at length just last week. We decided that the following make a huge difference regardless of weight (yup we both scoffed too much over Christmas).

  1. Decent haircut. One that is on the shoulders but immaculate, much as I prefer it long once one is over 45 it's hard to carry a longer style. Salt n pepper is fine, you don't need to dye it, it's all in the cut.
  2. Footwear. Must be leather and clean and well polished. Shows you care about appearance.
  3. Accessories. Just a touch of class if you have a scarf/ jewellery/hair accessory/earrings that compliment the outfit. 4)Timekeeping. In your youth you can get away with rushing about, cramming lots in, arriving in the nick of time. You have to calm it down once older so you don't come over red, hot, sweaty. SO allow 10 minutes extra to arrive.
ProserpinaProserpina · 12/01/2023 09:31

I actually do agree. I hate that I have this inbuilt bias towards ‘thinness’.

RestingMurderousFace · 12/01/2023 09:31

SheWoreYellow · 12/01/2023 07:27

Same with youth too, tbh. If you’re young, joggers and a hoodie looks cute. If you’re 45 you look like you’ve given up on life unless it’s very carefully put together.

Lol, so true.

roarfeckingroarr · 12/01/2023 09:31

I think you're right.

When you're slim (with good skin) you can throw on anything and look fine.

warmzebra · 12/01/2023 09:32

@Thesealsknowsheismagic Yes, I was confused by the tone of your replies too, as at no point did I disagree with OP. I said "make sure you're dressing for your body shape too".

warmzebra · 12/01/2023 09:33

@Whatwhatwhatnow ooh yes, facial bone structure is the #1 factor in how good you look regardless of size, in my opinion. The trouble is you often lose facial structure as you get fatter, but for those lucky enough to have killer bone structure regardless, they're always going to look pretty put together.

AllOfThemWitches · 12/01/2023 09:34

Actually though, I was discussing size with a friend recently. We concluded that women judge other women far more harshly than men do. I'm not for a second saying that men don't notice when women are overweight but I don't think it's 'unattractive' to them unless it's quite significantly overweight. I have another friend who is slightly overweight but has a nice shape and she is definitely not lacking in male attention.

Housewife2010 · 12/01/2023 09:37

What's normcorm?

Menora · 12/01/2023 09:39

AllOfThemWitches · 12/01/2023 09:34

Actually though, I was discussing size with a friend recently. We concluded that women judge other women far more harshly than men do. I'm not for a second saying that men don't notice when women are overweight but I don't think it's 'unattractive' to them unless it's quite significantly overweight. I have another friend who is slightly overweight but has a nice shape and she is definitely not lacking in male attention.

This is quite true. I am size 16 with big boobs and bum and have no issues with men being unpleasant but I feel horribly judged by someone thin I know. She openly judges me as I think she thinks it’s gross and she also has no issues with finding a man but after I realised she was judging me, I began to judge her to justify myself! to me she has no boobs and no curves so I am not jealous of her being skinny, I like mine so I don’t get why she is so repulsed by me we are just different shapes.

WordtoYoMumma · 12/01/2023 09:42

Being fat is the reason I have never tried to look stylish or glamorous, it has definitely shaped my personal style and what I see as clothes that are "more me". When I have to be smart I am either super plain and boring as to be inoffensive, or I seem to opt for quirky and fun like an annoying teacher type 😂 my usual style is casual and colourful and I'm all about the shoes and the earrings cos feet and ears never look fat 😁

When I am skinny I'm totally gonna be all swishy and glam and "oh my gosh she looks amazing for fifty".

warmzebra · 12/01/2023 09:42

@AllOfThemWitches I do think men look at appearances the same! You mentioned men looking at a different appearance-related factor: shape. I genuinely think overall body shape is wayyy more important than size, though size is (pun intended) a very big factor in itself.

JoyPeaceHealth · 12/01/2023 09:46

YANBU when I was thin, I had the shape that clothes are designed to flatter. Pretty so much so long as there is a visible waist and your bust is small, and you've a flat tummy, clothes hang well, they look good. I always felt ''pulled together'' when I was ten kilos lighter than I am now. I'm wearing the same style of clothes and in some cases, the same clothes! but I look like a woman with a big arse and fat thighs now and the clothes are highlighting that now! Tis a sad fact of life. Clothes should be designed for weebles!!

Suprima · 12/01/2023 09:48

Housewife2010 · 12/01/2023 09:37

What's normcorm?

I think they mean ‘normcore’ which is a trend or way of dressing based around practicality and rejecting trends and fast fashion. No prints, nothing overly
tight or voluminous, trainers or sensible shoes, dressing for the weather. Think Uniqlo’s basics.

A white t shirt, a pair of slim fit utility trousers, a blue sweater and practical shoes would be a normcore outfit. Jewellery minimalist. No or very little make up.

Lots of people are accidentally normcore!

JoyPeaceHealth · 12/01/2023 09:49

SheWoreYellow · 12/01/2023 07:27

Same with youth too, tbh. If you’re young, joggers and a hoodie looks cute. If you’re 45 you look like you’ve given up on life unless it’s very carefully put together.

So true. I'm 52 and a hoodie and jeans would make me look ''depressed'' I think,