For refusing my child’s tuition AND max child support.

[Figuringitout09]

I recently finalized a pretty messy divorce. Amongst many other things, my ex was asking 50/50 custody, max child support, AND to split all extracurricular costs for your 3 year old daughter 50/50.

While I make a pretty high wage, I refused to pay what would amount to 30-40% or my take home pay. My ex owns her own business and has claimed that it is “a six figure business” to her friends and family (which I have heard through the grapevine).

after mediation, it was ultimately decided that she would keep 70% of the marital assets, we would keep our retirements plans separate, and I would pay her max child support + full insurance coverage for the child. We also decided on a reduced custody schedule where she gets our daughter 60% of the time and I get 40%.

now that the divorce is finalized, I have contacted my daughters private school to inform them that my ex would be paying moving forward. she is now on full blown rampage to slander me. Telling people that she makes “less than half” what I make, which may be what she chooses to pay herself but is far from what her business actually brings in. She has also threatened to publish her thoughts on various platforms and is threatening to tell people I refuse to pay for my child’s education.

During mediation it was fully disclosed that child support would be for all of the child’s expenses and I would not agree to pay any more than child support in writing. However, I told her verbally that I was open to discussing splits certain costs as they come if our daughter needs something or decides she wants to do something.

keeping in mind that max child support is more than enough to cover my half of her tuition as full time preschooler and still leaves her mom with extra money to use at her discretion for our daughter…aibu?

I honestly don’t think I can give her any more money without risking my well being and that of my daughters when she is with me and if together we cannot afford private school, I’m questioning if it’s an expense that we need at this time. However my ex is set on her attending a private language immersion school so she can learn a language that neither one of us speaks.

You’re not in the U.K. are you? That’s not how
child maintenance works here.

I have no advice but I feel extremely sorry for any child whose parents hate each other this much.

If its 50/50 I don't get why you're having to pay her a penny

if she stays in the school you should be paying half. If not you’ll have to withdraw her. More upheaval for the poor kid. Good luck, I hope you sort it out.

You might need to tell us where you are...

50/50 there should be no child support and you split fees, extra curriculrs etc.

Why do you think she should pay the full school fees?

Do you think I should be paying half of her tuition, on top of Max child support meant for ALL of her expenses, and health insurance? I still have her 40% of the time which means I still need to be able to clothe, feed, and keep a roof over her head during that time.

What country are you?

I am located in the US. Generally 50/50 custody doesn’t require child support but since we went with a reduced 60/40 schedule and I make more than my ex, I agreed to the child support.

You should be paying 40% of the school fees because you have 40% custody... obviously. Do you expect your ex to pay for food/clothes/activities/electricity for when your DD is with you? Obviously not. 40% custody means paying for your DD 40% of the time - that should've been explained to you and made clear to you during mediation.

So what am I paying her child support for?

Well, firstly, you both sound utterly awful. Using your child to spite each other it seems.

'The' child is normally referred to as my/our daughter.

What do you mean by 'max' child support? It doesn't really mean anything.

Yes, if you earn more than your wife and have her for less time, then of course you should be paying maintenance.

What on earth is max child support?! If you don’t have your child 50% then obviously you should be contributing to her costs whilst she’s not in your care. I don’t understand why that means you don’t want to pay for her education? Maybe if you can clarify what you mean by max child support that would help.

As you're in the US and they're a little more strict in terms of contractual agreements in child support, I'd say if the maximum child support is meant to cover all expenses then that would include the school fees. If she can't afford it on that then she can't afford the school, especially if you're perfectly happy to have your child not in private education. That makes it her choice, not yours, and she should have to cover that lifestyle choice.

She needs to understand that after a divorce things are usually harder and more expensive - she's done pretty well out of it to get 60% custody, 70% of assets AND maximum child support, even though she doesn't have her 40% of the time! Lifestyle choices are hers, tell her you're more than happy to pick a public school instead.

In the state that I live in, within the US there is a maximum amount a parent is required to pay in child support. In my state that amounts to 50% of her tuition + an extra chunk of money for her mom to use at her discretion when she with her.

What am I paying her child support for?

Um. For your child.

Most people, who earn a high salary, WANT to be able to give their child every opportunity they can. Even if that means paying more than half because the other parent can't afford it.

My ex would pay me child support if we were 50/50. Because he's not an arsehole and because he wants his children to have opportunities that I couldn't afford for them.

Clearly you both disagree on what the agreement means:

You think: You should pay child support to cover the 20% disparity between her 60% and your 40% and then you should pay 40% of some expenses for the time you have custody.

She thinks: You should pay child support to cover the 20% disparity between her 60% and your 40% and you should cover all expenses for the 40% of the time that you have DD.

What exactly does the agreement say? You seem to accept you have to cover 40% of food, 40% of clothes, 40% of housing etc so why not 40% of education? If you and your ex need to clarify the situation then you should ask for mediation to clarify what the agreement is supposed to be.

To cover the difference between the 40% of custody you have and the 60% that she has. She has the child 50% more than you do - and that incurs additional expense. You're paying child support to contribute to that additional expense. You still have to pay for your DD for the 40% of the time that you have her.

Well there you go, if that's how the maximum amount has been calculated, then she's already received the half for the schooling within in. She can't expect extra on top of that if it's already been accounted for.

So long as it states that's how the calculation has been arrived at (which it will if it's a state specific procedure) then that's it, really.

So what you’re paying already includes school fees?

This is quite an important drip feed. If you're already paying 50% of the tuition fees then you obviously don't need to pay them again. Does it actually say that in the agreement that you have?

Or actually, does it only cover school fees within that 40/60 discrepancy, and you’re meant to pay the full school fees that occur during your contact time?

This poor kid.

She's only 3, you have at least another 15 years to sort it out.

I think the question you need to ask yourself at every juncture is: what is in my child's best interests?

Not 'who is right' 'is my ex being unreasonable' or 'am I getting screwed'.

If you do this right, there will be times when you just have to suck it up, wear a non ideal outcome for yourself and put your child first.

Don't move your daughter if she is happy at school. That's not fair to her.

If you can afford it, pay it for now. Return to the negotiating table in the medium term to get some clarity drawn up and to ensure you agree and can coparent without these fights coming up.

Our agreement states that I pay her child support for “all of the child’s expenses”

it later states that she has the full decision making right to determine where our daughter goes to school and that education is her responsibility.

for those of you saying I should still pay 40% of the school fees for when my daughter is with me, that would still be nothing. Our custody agreement is a standard order in our state which means I only get to have her weekends, a weeknight nights, and over school breaks. This was a compromise I chose to make with my ex to alleviate some stressors my daughter was experiencng with the custody agreement my ex wanted which had our daughter switching back and fourth every night.

Well, that seems pretty straightforward then, you don't have to pay her extra. It may be advisable to take this back to meditation if she can't understand the agreement, but I doubt she doesn't understand it - it sounds like she made things untenable to get a better deal out of you, which is really shitty on your daughter, but leads me to suspect she fully understands that she's supposed to pay.

Warning bells though - if she's enough of a chancer to use your child to get a better divorce settlement out of you, then she may also be chancer enough to start making custody an issue too. Not sure which state you're in but you need to get everything down in writing that you speak about and try to have conversations with her around witnesses, just in case.

The ideal situation would be to keep her in her school and have my ex use the child support as intended.

I literally cannot afford to pay her tuition and child support. While we were separated, I was paying full tuition and all my expenses with my daughter. Now I'm paying her more than the full tuition cost, plus some. And it's not enough.

So again, i question if private school is within our financial means, if neither one of us can afford it at this time.