For refusing my child’s tuition AND max child support.

[Figuringitout09]

I recently finalized a pretty messy divorce. Amongst many other things, my ex was asking 50/50 custody, max child support, AND to split all extracurricular costs for your 3 year old daughter 50/50.

While I make a pretty high wage, I refused to pay what would amount to 30-40% or my take home pay. My ex owns her own business and has claimed that it is “a six figure business” to her friends and family (which I have heard through the grapevine).

after mediation, it was ultimately decided that she would keep 70% of the marital assets, we would keep our retirements plans separate, and I would pay her max child support + full insurance coverage for the child. We also decided on a reduced custody schedule where she gets our daughter 60% of the time and I get 40%.

now that the divorce is finalized, I have contacted my daughters private school to inform them that my ex would be paying moving forward. she is now on full blown rampage to slander me. Telling people that she makes “less than half” what I make, which may be what she chooses to pay herself but is far from what her business actually brings in. She has also threatened to publish her thoughts on various platforms and is threatening to tell people I refuse to pay for my child’s education.

During mediation it was fully disclosed that child support would be for all of the child’s expenses and I would not agree to pay any more than child support in writing. However, I told her verbally that I was open to discussing splits certain costs as they come if our daughter needs something or decides she wants to do something.

keeping in mind that max child support is more than enough to cover my half of her tuition as full time preschooler and still leaves her mom with extra money to use at her discretion for our daughter…aibu?

I honestly don’t think I can give her any more money without risking my well being and that of my daughters when she is with me and if together we cannot afford private school, I’m questioning if it’s an expense that we need at this time. However my ex is set on her attending a private language immersion school so she can learn a language that neither one of us speaks.

School fees don’t work like that. You don’t give notice to your ex wife. At the start of the year you will have committed to the school that you will pay fees for the academic year. The agreement with your ex wife doesn’t override the agreement you entered into with the school. You are mid way through the academic year.

Did you waive your right to legal representation because I’m surprised this hasn’t been explained to you.

Our school is month to month. We can pull her out and put her in a new school at any time.

Yes but you don’t get to do that unilaterally. The conversation is between you and your ex wife. The only area where this gets tricky is if the school is in lieu of childcare. You would be responsible for the portion of childcare applicable to your days you have your child where they attend the childcare while you work.

For me, I kept it simple and asked for 50% of childcare costs. He pays nothing but my ask was conservative. He earns 30x what I make. I shouldn’t be paying for anything. Alas, there is a good reason we are no longer married and I’m not about to dwell on the negative.

He earns 30x what I make. I shouldn’t be paying for anything.
Err your child too, of course you should pay.

If you don't have it, you can't pay it, it doesn't matter what she says.

Presumably both of your financial situation were taken into account prior to the agreement you came to, and you had legal advice.

You can't pay her more to control what she says about you. If there is no truth in what she says you have no need to worry. Sweep your own side of the street, and put your daughter first.

It’s not 50/50. That’s what the wife wanted but the OP wanted his child less than that.

I didn’t WANT her less. I decided to do what was in the best interest of my daughter and give her a stable schedule where she got to sleep in the same bed for more than one night because her mom wanted us to switch off every day so our daughter would be a different bed every night because she couldn’t go more than two days without seeing her daughter.

You're right. Which is why we talked about it during mediation and I told her what the situation was.

She also agreed to have the unilateral decision making power for all of our daughters educational decisions, Including where she goes to school and when.

I have no say in her education. And I am happy to pay what I can afford to benefit her

My full financial situation was taken into consideration. She failed to supply any backup for her business income. Due to the fact that I gave her the house and was already agreeing to max child support without question, the mediator did not ask for further income backup for her.

FWIW, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

If either of you are living beyond your means by keeping her in a private school then that will need to stop.

Let’s say you earned the same, she would have 140% of her salary whilst you would keep 60% of yours, whilst also having 40% custody of your child and the expenses associated with that.

If you’re already paying her enough to cover the fees then I wouldn’t be bankrupting myself paying any extra.

I say this as a stepmum to 3 DCs, who has never received a penny in child maintenance in 15 years from their deadbeat mother!

The divorce is finalised, with a child support agreement in place.

You feel you cannot afford to contribute more to continue the private education, and so there is a decision to be made. You say your wife has unilateral decision making over your daughter's education, so she needs to decide whether she can continue with the private education basedon the agreement reached when you divorced.

Regardless of what has gone before, you can't be held to ransom or run your life based on what she will say about you to people.

Again, if you cannot afford to pay the school fees, there is your answer.

You have either had horrible legal advice or you have been found to be lacking as a parent. I say this because it is very difficult to have no say over education yet access to the child for 50% of the time.

You need to go to a new lawyer and look to change your parenting plan. You can request updated financials including your ex wife’s tax return. If it’s a single member LLC the financial performance of the entity is all included in the tax return. If another structure it will be included on a tax return somewhere.

The US system is not focused on the child(ren) but meeting the needs of the parents. You need an expert to navigate the court system if your ex wife won’t mediate. Do meditate if you can. It’s well worth avoiding court because it’s a trial.

@CuntyChopss You really have no idea. As he is a high net worth individual with significant income sitting in his business, it’s been absolutely ridiculous that I have been left raising 3 children on my own with zero financial support from him. Thank goodness I stuck with my career and make enough to provide. The court system here in the US wash their hands when the lower earner makes more than $10k a month. With 3 children, 2 with disabilities, quite frankly $10k doesn’t touch the sides. Lost in translation is the fact that wages are significantly higher in the US compared to the UK because the cost of living is higher. The food bill is $2k a month and no that’s not all caviar and crab legs.

I had one of the top divorce lawyers in my city. With a divorce that was gett

That was getting more and more contentious, I decided it was in my daughters best interest to give into some of my exes demands rather than continue to fiight for certain things like having a say in education

I'd see child support as being intended for housing, feeding and clothing your dc. The basic things. I know you are saying "max child support" but I'm aware the amounts required by CMS are very low and are unlikely to cover half the cost of raising a child.

I think you need to have an adult conversation about what you will and won't agree to re education. It isn't unreasonable not to want to pay private fees, but it is perhaps a bit unreasonable to move a dc mid-year when they have already been through a divorce and you do have the means to pay, but don't want to "risk your own wellbeing". What about paying until the end of the year?

If I could afford it, I would. But I cannot afford this without moving into a one bedroom apartment outside of the city.

Is moving her out of the home we share now into a smaller home, Further away where she doesn't have a bedroom and I can't afford do give her anything or do anything while she is with me, a better option than asking my ex to rethink her eduction demands so she can stay in a school we cannot afford or use part of the child support she is receiving in order to keep her in that school?

@Stompythedinosaur the OP is in the US and the ‘max child support’ includes a substantial portion of tuition fees - 50% IIRC

This is very anecdotal and out of date so caution about acting on on this…

It’s my understanding that tuition is called out separately in child support arrangements (same as who Carrie’s the Health Ins for the children). When my parents divorced a million years ago my mom had full custody of me. My dad had to pay a monthly amount + it was specifically stated in the court documents that he was 100% responsible for private school tuition until I graduated from HS.

So based on that it’s not an unreasonable stance by the OP. The EW should have made tuition part of the final arrangement.

If you want your child to go that school you are going to have to pay your half. Child support is for the child's living expenses

You should not be saying that about your step children's mother FYI.

Deeply disrespectful.

You horrible person.

Thank you random internet stranger, but I can assure you that it’s truly deserved.

Apparently it touched a nerve with you though, I wonder why that is?

I bet you wouldn't be saying the same about a father not paying for their offspring???

🥱 🥱 🥱 I get so sick of people men quibbling over child support. This woman is someone you presumably once loved and you clearly love your daughter. Just pay for your DD in full 40% of the time and 50% of the tuition. It’s only your DD who will suffer otherwise. If you were still with her mother then you’d be paying, wouldn’t you? Do you want your DD to grow up and remember her parents fighting over money or do you want her to remember good times with you? Just be a man and pay your way.

You are paying her child support so that the child can keep living a lifestyle that she has become accustomed to. If you earn more than your ex, then you have to pay a little more during her 60% to top it up.

If you are paying what the court has ordered then I don't think you should worry about not paying for private education.
Put all your effort into finding a decent state school. Use some more for any extra tuition if you feel it's helpful.
But don't tie yourself into a private school education that from your posts you clearly can't afford. No child needs a private education.