For refusing my child’s tuition AND max child support.

[Figuringitout09]

I recently finalized a pretty messy divorce. Amongst many other things, my ex was asking 50/50 custody, max child support, AND to split all extracurricular costs for your 3 year old daughter 50/50.

While I make a pretty high wage, I refused to pay what would amount to 30-40% or my take home pay. My ex owns her own business and has claimed that it is “a six figure business” to her friends and family (which I have heard through the grapevine).

after mediation, it was ultimately decided that she would keep 70% of the marital assets, we would keep our retirements plans separate, and I would pay her max child support + full insurance coverage for the child. We also decided on a reduced custody schedule where she gets our daughter 60% of the time and I get 40%.

now that the divorce is finalized, I have contacted my daughters private school to inform them that my ex would be paying moving forward. she is now on full blown rampage to slander me. Telling people that she makes “less than half” what I make, which may be what she chooses to pay herself but is far from what her business actually brings in. She has also threatened to publish her thoughts on various platforms and is threatening to tell people I refuse to pay for my child’s education.

During mediation it was fully disclosed that child support would be for all of the child’s expenses and I would not agree to pay any more than child support in writing. However, I told her verbally that I was open to discussing splits certain costs as they come if our daughter needs something or decides she wants to do something.

keeping in mind that max child support is more than enough to cover my half of her tuition as full time preschooler and still leaves her mom with extra money to use at her discretion for our daughter…aibu?

I honestly don’t think I can give her any more money without risking my well being and that of my daughters when she is with me and if together we cannot afford private school, I’m questioning if it’s an expense that we need at this time. However my ex is set on her attending a private language immersion school so she can learn a language that neither one of us speaks.

And no. Her income, work, or otherwise has not been impacted by this. She did not work most of our marriage as she was starting a business during that time. And our daughter is in preschool mon-Friday from 7am - 5:30pm so it doesn't really impact her schedule. In the past we have split sick days or other days when our daughter is in school so it is split evenly.

Additionally, she only took a week off work after pregnancy because she was working on her business as while I used my vacation pto to stay home for 6 weeks with the newborn and taking care of the house. She started in daycare shortly after this.

There are so so many other costs not accounted for in the 'main' things. Who is paying for them? On an almost daily basis, I would say I spend about £10 on 2 children for stuff like birthday presents for others, new ballet shoes, school contribution for charity day, school contribution for Christmas jumper (or whatever, they're constant), new swimming costume, milk shake with her friend, whatever, my point is it's ongoing way beyond food and school.

Will she not have these expenses with me?

At 60/40 childcare spilt. Then child support wise you should pay 10% not the max. As for private school expenses surely both of you should pay 50/50

So, my deal with my ex, is that I pay for everything. He chose to pay me a decent monthly amount rather than my going to him every two minutes asking for his50% contribution to ballet shoes. I offered him either. As I deal with all the admin for everything, eg the school emails come only to me, I pay for it all.

I offered 50% of expense.

She wanted 50% of expenses AND max child support.

I said one or the other but I'm not paying child support and 50% of expenses, otherwise what is the couple thousands of dollars she is getting in child support each month for?

She chose child support

If you are in the US why are you posting on this forum? Surely there will be something that is US based that could advise you better?

I feel for your child though I really do, she is being used as a pawn,

Because I wasn't looking for advice on child support and us specific things.

I was just asking a general question if given how much money I'm already providing and all of the information provided,

Is it unreasonable to think that I shouldn't have to provide more money when it's not financially feasible since my ex is threatening to tell all her friends and family what a deadbeat dad I am. I didn't think I was being being unreasonable but knowing what is coming from her, I am questioning this and curious what mumsnet users would think because I've seen some other posts and felt the feedback was generally helpful on parental topics.

All of those costs in consideration,

Should I pay for them at my place and her moms place? She stills needs cloths, sheets, food, etc. when she is at my place 40% of the time.

yes, obviously. What if her mum only wants to pay 40% of her food, electricity, gas, rent etc like you? Or only do 40% of the childcare? Where would you and more importantly your dd be then?
The child is yours, you pay 50% and do 50% of the work or financially compensate for that additional work.
as the main parent, mum will be doing most of the child admin and dealing with things like being unable to work before 7.30am and past 5pm (allowing time for drop offs and pickup), being home for bedtimes and bath times, organising school things, homework etc.

you have 40% of the daily miscellaneous costs and tasks Vs her mums 60%.

so if the tuition makes up for that then fair enough, but if it doesn’t then it’s not fair.

If she only wanted to pay 40% then she should have fought for full custody.

If she can't afford our child with her income and my child support to supplement our daughters expenses, then I would be more than happy to do 60% and she can have 40% and I can make the financial decisions instead of her.

It just seems unreasonable for her to expect me to pay more for something neither one of us can clearly afford simply because she wants to have our daughter in private school. I understand the benefits but to me that's a nice to have, not a necessity and it's clear to me that we can afford it right now.

Does that make me a deadbeat dad worth slandering?

No, the same full costs won't be incurred at your house OP in my personal experience. Your XP as the main cater will but most clothes, extra curricular equipment, musical instruments, birthday party outfits, gifts etc. It's also v likely she will be lead on (ie pay for!) all medical and dental appointments.

My XP has our DC 4 days a month but the costs are grossly burdened / weighted on me way out if proportion to any 4/26 day split.

Sorry OP but you're not going to get the answer you want here I fear!

Like I said, supporting a 3 year old means also supporting your XP properly!

I don't think its unreasonable to question if you are no longer available to afford private school fees.

Running two households is more expensive than running one. You are paying the appropriate level of child support and have identified your budget will not cover private fees as well, therefore your child needs to go to state school.

If she only wanted to pay 40% then she should have fought for full custody.

perhaps you should have fought for what you wanted if you’re not happy with the agreement that you made, that she makes the decisions and you pay for it.
And perhaps you shouldn’t have had a child with someone if you weren’t willing to pay 50% of that child’s costs.

stop worrying about if you’re going to look like a deadbeat dad and about who’s gonna say what about who and what your latest argument is, and just worry about how you can make your kids life nicer, without two parents bleating on about what’s fair to them. You’re going to have to figure out how to communicate reasonably with each other at some point.

Totally agree

OP sounds dreadful

To add though, it would be unreasonable if you worked out the appropriate level of child support (excluding school fees) and then expected her to use that money on school fees instead, and foot the expenses the child support is meant to cover from her own pocket.

perhaps you shouldn’t have had a child with someone if you weren’t willing to pay 50% of that child’s costs.

Private school fees are not a necessary cost though, they are a luxury extra, and OP is reasonable to question whether he can afford them

You need to take the emotion out of this. It’s hard but you will be much better off in the long run when you are the calm parent. Reframe the conversation to place the focus on the child and what is best for them. At 3 they need to be in some sort of structured activity where they socialize with other children and are taught the basics.

As someone who has been through the U.S. divorce system, I will tell you there is recourse. First, child support is supposed to be about 10% of your income per child, up to 3 children and then it tapers. The child support is calculated on a gross basis and you pay net. If you provide medical coverage, that goes into the calculation as a contribution.

You need to stop responding to your ex wifes hearsay and shift the focus to what is best for the child. My children stay overnight with me every single night, child support is calculated based on 50/50, not me having them 100% of the time. He pays nothing, which the children are aware because he has brought it up to them. I refuse to bad mouth him and he can make all the subtle digs at me, but the children will grow up and realize what’s going on.

There is nothing wrong with you not being able to afford tuition. What is wrong is that you are not giving proper notice and your communication comes across as this is a knee jerk reaction with no focus on what is best for the child. You have coparent and parallel parent models and I’ve swallowed camels to keep with the coparent model because I do believe it’s what is best for the children.

I don’t understand why you’re asking a bunch of people from the UK. We speak the same but our cultures are a little different.

It has nothing to do with how you speak and everything to do with the responses I have seen on other parental posts. I find this site to be particularly helpful on parental issues like this. Sorry?

My point exactly. If her income + my child support is less than she can afford, and I also cannot afford to give her more, how am I in the wrong for refusing to give her more?

It's not like my daughter won't be able to get an education otherwise. She could even go to a less expensive private school if we could not afford it.

This isn't about not WANTING to give more money. It's about wether or not I can. And the fact of the matter is, I can't. If that's makes me unreasonable, then I accept that judgement and will think long and hard about what people have had to say here

We discussed it multiple times over the last few months. I was very clear that I would not pay tuition and child support. She could have 50% of all expenses or she could have child support.

So when she chose child support and I again told her I would be paying tuition, I assumed that was proper notice...

*now my ex is threatening to slander me
*

If you cannot afford to pay more than you have agreed to, then what's the question?

You seem to be far more concerned with being "right" than doing right.

What can I do "to do right" in this situation when I can't afford to give more? This is a serious question.

I would love to do right by my daughter and limit what my ex says about me to our friends and our daughter but I'm at a loss for how to do that financially And feeling pretty awful for the things my ex is saying about me because of that.