For refusing my child’s tuition AND max child support.

[Figuringitout09]

I recently finalized a pretty messy divorce. Amongst many other things, my ex was asking 50/50 custody, max child support, AND to split all extracurricular costs for your 3 year old daughter 50/50.

While I make a pretty high wage, I refused to pay what would amount to 30-40% or my take home pay. My ex owns her own business and has claimed that it is “a six figure business” to her friends and family (which I have heard through the grapevine).

after mediation, it was ultimately decided that she would keep 70% of the marital assets, we would keep our retirements plans separate, and I would pay her max child support + full insurance coverage for the child. We also decided on a reduced custody schedule where she gets our daughter 60% of the time and I get 40%.

now that the divorce is finalized, I have contacted my daughters private school to inform them that my ex would be paying moving forward. she is now on full blown rampage to slander me. Telling people that she makes “less than half” what I make, which may be what she chooses to pay herself but is far from what her business actually brings in. She has also threatened to publish her thoughts on various platforms and is threatening to tell people I refuse to pay for my child’s education.

During mediation it was fully disclosed that child support would be for all of the child’s expenses and I would not agree to pay any more than child support in writing. However, I told her verbally that I was open to discussing splits certain costs as they come if our daughter needs something or decides she wants to do something.

keeping in mind that max child support is more than enough to cover my half of her tuition as full time preschooler and still leaves her mom with extra money to use at her discretion for our daughter…aibu?

I honestly don’t think I can give her any more money without risking my well being and that of my daughters when she is with me and if together we cannot afford private school, I’m questioning if it’s an expense that we need at this time. However my ex is set on her attending a private language immersion school so she can learn a language that neither one of us speaks.

Most people on this site are in the UK and will have no idea how US child maintenance works. You’ll just get skewed answers.

You mistake however is listening to what she brags to mates about her business!

Sounds like a punitive war with EX in which you beat each other to pulp with money, social damage and armed lawyers. How's your little girl coping in the bomb shelter? Hope she recovers from the blast injuries, shrapnel and PTSD.

What a shame if she even has to lose the security of her familiar school, teachers and friends.

My advice is that the US divorce system is a joke. The split of assets is done. Move on. Be thankful you are not married to her.

As someone who is divorced and living in the US, my ex has not paid anything. I pay for it all and I have kept the children out of it. It’s not their fault and they need me to be the adult. I’m paying 3 sets of school fees and I have 2 children with ASD so medical costs are more than a 4th set of school fees. Consider yourself lucky.

We've been going through this for a year and a half so she's learning to cope but recently things seem to be regressing a bit. I try not to talk about it in front of her or get too emotional around her but we all know kids aren't as clueless as we pretend they are. I keep trying to reassure her that we love her and we're not going anywhere but she's definitely expressed that she is sad about the living situation. It's hard but I'm doing my best.

It's hard for most of us to comment helpfully, as we're used to the UK system. I know my brother paid both half the school fees and maintenance as he didn't want to disadvantage his DD. But obviously didn't need health insurance. And it was financially a squeeze.

I don't have any idea about the US system of child support post divorce, but you are at the start of a long and rocky road along which your child is being dragged behind you, as you both try to come out on top, if you can't drop down a few pegs and see what's important here. Spolier, it's not your money.

Point scoring and fighting over inforamation you heard on the grapevine? Time to grow up and rather than telling your child that you love her, show her with your actions and put her first. This is not it.

If your ex's business brings in a 6 figure sum, that isn't necessarily what she gets. It will need to be used for all the costs involved, including presumably things like staff, stock, production costs, premises costs, marketing costs, and investment for the future. So what she actually draws from the business is the figure you should be looking at.

If you give as much as you say, it sounds as if your ex had a really good deal. Can you renegotiate the child support and pay the 50% to the school instead? I imagine the fees will be much higher as your dd gets older.

At 3 is she really in school already, private or otherwise? Surely you mean nursery or preschool? If you do mean nursery or preschool then these fees won’t be for long? Unless your ex has plans to privately educate until 18?

The offer I gave her was 50% of child expenses or child support.

She chose child support. I agreed to pay what is the maximum required.

Now that everything is signed and done, I'm thinking she regrets that decision.

If your daughter is only 3 then presumably she will be moving fairly soon from a pre-school setting to what in the UK is called primary school. At that point, your daughter can move to a state school without any difficulty at all. If your ex wants your daughter to go to private school then she can fund it ..... unless your child arrangements order (or the US/state equivalent of) says you have to pay for her private education, in which case I'm sure it will say how much so any input from mumsnet is irrelevant. If you are unclear how much you are obligated to pay then you will have to ask a US lawyer .... or maybe a forum in the US unless there are mumsnetters familiar with your particular state's child arrangement law.

Yes, she is in preschool. My ex plans to keep her in private school until she graduates. I have researched the costs of private schools in our area and my current child support *should cover my half until she graduates. If it doesn't, I already told my ex I would be willing to give more, if school costs increase

Exactly. However, she failed to provide this information during mediation when we discussed assets. I let it go. Based on what I know about her business during our marriage, I'm sure her net income is pretty high.

Again, what she chooses to pay herself and what her business nets, are two different things but in the US, the money her business nets, is considered her income and she can pay herself more (and still cover expenses and save money) if she wanted.

It's not so much that I'm unclear about what I'm expected to pay. It's very clear in the agreements.

But I'm questioning if I'm being unreasonable to not give my ex even more money for a tuition I don't think I can afford after giving her child support. My ex plans to keep her in private school until she's 18 so this issue isn't going to go away.

Should I be looking at other means of paying for child support or is this a sacrifice we need to make and send our child to public schools?

OP, in my opinion you should do your very best to take the entire financial stress off your XP & daughter given that your XP has the bulk of the care.

You can argue about bits and bobs, percentages, what it should / shouldn't cover, but ultimately, what you (should) really want is your DC to be happy & healthy and not stressed. Stressed mum = stressed child.

I think a lot of divorcing dads fail to realise the supporting your XP (whom you clearly hate) is supporting your child. Try to remember that.

The reality is that mums do the vast bulk of child related things still in 2023, and if she's like most mums, will make sure your DC has the best she can provide. Support her in that.

Not what you want to hear, maybe. But step up, take the upper hand morally, and start supporting your XP as much as you can is my advice.

So your payments only cover half of school fees, nothing else?!!

I would expect you to be covering most of the school fees & most other costs if you're a)the higher earner & b) have fewer childcare responsibilities.

No, you should not be paying for the tuition if there are good state schools.

Can you look for a good school nearby that dd can move to?

My last post states that I literally cannot afford to give her more despite what she thinks. I still have my daughter 40% of the time which means I still have expense for her during that time. I still have to pay for food, housing, clothes, and anything else she needs during that 40%.

You think this is about whether or not I want to give my ex more money but It's about what I can afford.

I'd love to keep my daughter in her school. I cannot afford to pay for life with me, her life with her mom, and tuition. I agreed to give her 70% of the assets and the pay max child support because that's what I could afford to give and was willing to give for the benefit of my daughter.

However now my ex is threatening to slander me because i literally cannot afford to give her more money for tuition on top of everything else

This poor child is all I can say.

Poor child indeed with a mum who wanted her changing location every night. She’s 3! What parent would think that would be a good idea?!

She says she can't be away from our daughter for that long so the most she was willing to give was weekends so that she didn't have to go an extended period of time without seeing our daughter.

A male friend in the UK got divorced.

Wife earned a lot more than him.
She got the house.
They had 50/50 custody.
She got all the benefits and he still had to pay her money each month.

He ended up living as a lodger because that's all he could afford.

He said, and I agree, how can it be in their child's best interests for the father to be, effectively, destitute?

I don't think there's much logic to the way these things are settled by the courts.

You keep saying you’re paying the full tuition and then some. But there are more costs involved in raising a child than tuition. Who is paying those?

Ignore what you’re paying right now and what you think is right or how much you hate your ex. Look at this objectively.

How much would it cost you if you paid for half of what your child needs?
half her rent
half her food, and other things she needs, toys, bedding, shoes, toiletries
half the bills - hot water, electricity, heating etc.
half of any extra curricular activities, half birthdays Christmas or other holidays and special occasions
Half her medical, dental, opticians, hair appointments or any other general maintenance applicable
half the other costs that go into children like if a car is needed to get her to school etc
And half her preschool and half of any additional childcare

then does your ex lose any money because she can’t work as much as you, or has she taken a hit in her career progression or earning power due to pregnancy, childbirth and having greater childcare responsibilities than you?

now if you think you and your ex are sacrificing the same, personally and financially then YANBU. If your ex is sacrificing more then YABU.

your agreement sounds straight forward though, she decides where the DD goes to school. And you pay all costs for that.

OP,

A custody schedule based on the interests of the mother rather than your DD should cause the Court concern. Now that you’ve explained you are already paying 50% of tuition, and more, you may as well think further about this. Your ex does not sound very well grounded

All of those costs in consideration,

Should I pay for them at my place and her moms place? She stills needs cloths, sheets, food, etc. when she is at my place 40% of the time.

The "and then some" I am referring to is what her mom can use to for those expenses when she's at her moms house. Based on how much I spend on my daughter, the "and then some" should be more than enough for our daughters expense, emergencies aside as we have both agreed to split medical bills and other unforeseen emergency costs. And if it's not enough for her, I'd question if my ex is overspending on unnecessary things or living outside her means with where she lives and shops.