Unfair to stop friendship due to mental illness?

[dragondepressed]

Over the years I have had people who I thought were my friends sever contact due to my mental illness. Five years ago I was voluntarily admitted into a psychiatric hospital for about three weeks. Then in 2019, I was sectioned for two weeks then I had a psychotic episode in the same year which led to me sending rambling emails to people, thinking I was being accused of horrible things and crimes and going to be killed with machetes and wanting to kill myself before this happened so I would die less painfully. The last 13 years of my life have been ruined by mental illness. One psychiatrist suggested I had Complex PTSD, another mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder, a different one then suggested I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia. Throughout all this, I have had 'friends' sever contact and end the friendship I thought we had. I have no friends and I'm probably going to end up like that woman who died in her flat and nobody bothered/cared so her body wasn't discovered for two years. Do people not want to be friends with people going through mental illness?

I'm so sorry that you have been through all of that. It must have been very frightening at times.

I suppose that is the problem. It is scary for friends too.

Kindly, people don’t want to be friends with people who are more detrimental to their life than they are positive. The reason doesn’t really come into it. Your mental illness, whilst not your fault, is awful for the people you’re friends with. People don’t want to receive nasty emails or be accused of things that they didn’t do. You’ll get there. You sound as though you’re resilient and reflective and making strides to recover. And, when you do, you’ll have friendships like the rest of the world - keeping in mind that we all have fewer friends than it would seem looking at films and TV shows and social media.

Lots of people are friends with people who have media illnesses but your behaviour sounds very extreme. Your behaviour hurt other people and caused them distress and anxiety and may well have been detrimental to their mental health. Your behaviour is the problem, not your mental health innately. When your mental health is in a place where your behaviour is more positive then the situation will be different.

Good luck OP, and get well soon.

Yes it's strange how this 'be kind' and mental health awareness only extends to depression and anxiety. Not personality disorders and schizophrenia! You're awesome to get through that, OP and keep going with your recovery. I met a woman I was pregnant with at the same time, she told me she suffered PP psychosis and lose custody. Heartbreaking and it could happen to anyone.

People have their own issues and family to deal with.

Try making acquaintances where there is a focus, an activity, like running or gardening as the focus, rather than life sharing stories and trying to form deep relationships.

Id also recommend not wearing whatever issues you face as a badge of honour or as a public face - it will scare people away.

Of course you might find the perfect matching friend, who can handle their life and whatever issues you bring to the table, but gotta be honest, it’s unlikely. But there’s no need to be lonely, walk dogs, get out into the garden and discuss gardening with whomever stops to admire your buds, reading groups at the library, WI, local church, get involved in something outside you and forget about you for a bit.

This is awful. Don’t listen to this OP.

I too have lost friends due to my MH. I was a huge burden on them, and expected far too much. I made some of them ill themselves.
They were not bad people or nasty to stop seeing me. I was just too much for them.

My friend is paranoid schizophrenic. Being her friend has been and continues to be extremely difficult. A few years ago we found her after a suicide attempt which was traumatic for everyone involved. There have been times I have cut contact because I just can't cope with non stop phone calls and text messages all day every day. I feel bombarded at times and just want her to leave me alone, so some days I just put her on ignore. I love her dearly but her illness is very hard on the people around her. Every time her problems are resolved she goes looking for another problem to bombard people with phone calls about. She decided to stop her medication a few months ago and has only just been convinced to go back on it but the interim has not been easy. Some of her family no longer speak to her because she just won't leave them alone, and even after they specifically told her to stop calling them she just won't stop. I understand it is so so hard for the person with the illness, life is so frightening and lonely. But unfortunately, not everyone is able to be a friend when being a friend is so difficult. Today is the only day since Christmas I've not had phone calls and texts every day and I've quite enjoyed the rest but I know it won't last. It's not that people don't want to be a friend, but at times it is sadly almost easier not to be. We have a balance now because I have boundaries in place and just don't answer the calls all the time, which gives me the space I need to remain a friend. Yesterday for example she was on the phone and texting repeatedly and we were just going round in circles having the same conversation. I can't even tell you some of the dangerous situations she has got herself and other people involved in as a result of her illness. I sometimes think she just isn't my responsibility, why am I putting myself through this? But when she's properly medicated and well, she is the dearest friend you could ask for. I love her, but loving her is by no means always easy. I'm so sorry you are finding friends difficult to keep but don't lose faith. Sometimes it just gets a bit too intense and friends may need to step back a little x

Sorry Op but I wouldn't want that in my life either, friend or not. People have their own issues to deal with without being responsible for someone else's. As previous poster said, that kind of negativity in their lives isn't wanted. It doesn't mean you're a bad person.

I agree . This is awful and as a person with mental illness, my heart absolutely sank.

How uncaring and unkind.
Don’t listen to this OP.

Such awful replies, don't listen OP. You have so much to bring to someone's life, your illness does not define you. Don't spend days thinking about what you did when you were unwell, practice self compassion and keep up your interests.

So wait, they can't have friends until they recover? You're aware lots of people don't. They live with severe mental illness all their lives... they're still people, they're still them.

I'm not sure I've ever thought about what my friends bring to my life and weighed them up on a balance sheet to be honest.

I'm sorry OP this is truly terrible. It's not your fault. I hope you find people who embrace all of your qualities and who wouldn't dream of leaving your side through thick and thin.

A family member has bipolar disorder and has been in psychiatric hospital multiple times. He is very difficult to deal with when he's having an episode. I think most people have enough going on in their own lives without coping with additional stress. I wouldn't judge anyone who was friends with my family member and chose to step back from the friendship. Sorry OP, just being honest.

To be really frank, I think mental illness is much harder for friends to deal with than most of them will admit.

In theory people are there for you through whatever. But the brutal truth is that mental illness can make people behave (through no fault of their own) in very selfish and solipsistic ways and it is difficult not to let that eat into your own mental health.

I have had two people I was very close to (one my then husband) go through severe MH problems and there came a point where their behaviour was affecting my wellbeing so much that I had to make a choice and I chose to put myself first.

The behaviour that these sorts of episodes can trigger can take a real toll on the health of others. Constant erratic and attention seeker behaviour (having to have the same conversation again and again with no respect for my needs), very heavy demands on others’ time, lack of respect for boundaries and space, substance abuse etc.

In both cases I indicated that I would be there for these people if they sought professional help and if they learned to respect my boundaries. My husband and I split up because I couldn’t tolerate the constant demands on my time and my own mental health and something had to give. I did support him but at more of a distance because I couldn’t tolerate being an emotional punch bag.

Mental health crises manifest in different ways obviously and not everyone behaves like this but I think it’s incumbent on the person going through this to realise that other people have limits to what they can tolerate.

I want to be really honest with you: I think a lot of people like to think they are supportive but actually giving that level of support is too draining for a non professional to deal with day to day.

Move forwards and look for new friends OP. Yes, friends should stick with your through your highs and lows. Maybe they were not such good friends after all and as you weren't much 'fun', they ended the friendships. Or maybe they found your mental health too difficult to deal with, maybe they needed support from you too. Who knows. All I can suggest is that you think about all of the positive, lovely characteristics I'm sure you have and find some new friends.

I think there's some replies here from people who haven't experienced a friend with severe mental health issues. I have had friends who have depression and anxiety and it doesn't impact our relationship. However, I moved shared a flat with someone who after 9 months of normal close friendship suffered a mental breakdown and she turned to alcohol, cut herself on purpose and by accident when drunkenly making food, almost blew us up when she left the gas on all night, brought dangerous people to our home and eventually was sectioned after a suicide attempt. She would also call me by phone or knock my door for help after cutting. She wanted help but I was not in a position to give that much to her. She needed therapy and and probably medication not a friend. She put me in danger, scared me multiple times and was not a good friend to me. I would have been there for her once she sought help but only as a friend, not a replacement counsellor/parent. We found she couldn't maintain that boundary.

I saw a really interesting video recently about how stress is literally contagious and we absorb cortisol ourselves through our skin by being around stressed people.

vm.tiktok.com/ZMFE96NFN/

It’s hard dealing with other peoples MH issues when most of us have stressful lives, it’s probably quite draining for your friends. Do you do anything to support them or are you expecting a one way relationship of them helping you? Because that would be draining to most people.

Others may be struggling with their own mental health or other issues. Unfortunately taking on extra pressure of your issues an instability may be more than they can cope with at present.

Don’t listen to the nay sayers.., you are amazing .. and stronger than you know. Be proud of yourself and know that friends come and go … mental ill health or not. People enter and leave our lives often. When we change jobs, move etc . Try not to think it is all due to mental health. It most likely isn’t.

I think it can be really difficult to remember always that's it's the illness talking when someone is the middle of a bad episode.
Logically you know that it is but it can be so hard to hear horrible vicious things and not take them personally and also not believe it's how they really feel about you.
I'm sorry op that you feel let down , it must be really really difficult to start again once you're well.
You have my total sympathy

A lot of people have just enough positivity and resolve to keep themselves afloat, but not enough to support a friend who could unintentionally drag them under due to their level of need. It is not your fault or their fault, and it doesn't mean you won't make good friends in the future.

Could you join a support group where others would understand and you would have support and compainship..Also in my city in lreland but presume also in the UK they have support classes which deal with areas of mental health so you would be meeting new people while learning some coping skills.
Is there anything you like to do when you do feel well that might lead to a hobby group.
I think online contact is very detrimental to friendships during a mental illness episode as its so easy to fire off stuff when you are not well. Years ago you would have to write a letter which you wouldn't have the energy for. I have experience of this in my own family and see how having a phone at hand is deadly at times.
I think apologising to people afterwards is helpful as it may restore the relationship.

Remember most people don't have loads of close friends and often what you see is acquaintances.

There are people out there who would gladly be your friend, OP. Not everyone chooses friends for how 'positive' they are. There are so many other qualities which make a good friend.

Why shouldn’t the OP listen?

you have no idea what other people are dealing with in their lives?

i have 2 kids, a full time (very full on) job, an alcoholic father and I support you mum through that. I would be likely to reduce ties if someone was sending me aggressive and violent emails. This is because I can only handle so much stress and, ultimately, they’re not my responsibility whereas I very much see supporting my family as my responsibility.

id wish they’d get better but I only have so much bandwidth to support people and stay sane myself.

I am really sorry op

I've had to step away from a friend in the past couple of years because she has BPD and her episodes were affecting my mental health (I have diagnosed anxiety and depression and I'm autistic) and following some life events I just couldn't cope with any more than keeping myself afloat and that only barely.

I am sorry.

Yes I’m sure you’d stay friends with someone sending you abusive, nasty emails. If this was someone’s DP behaving like this you’d tell them to LTB, but you expect friends to stick around with this behaviour? BPD is not easy to deal with. OP should try and get help and then look at making friends.