Unfair to stop friendship due to mental illness?

[dragondepressed]

Over the years I have had people who I thought were my friends sever contact due to my mental illness. Five years ago I was voluntarily admitted into a psychiatric hospital for about three weeks. Then in 2019, I was sectioned for two weeks then I had a psychotic episode in the same year which led to me sending rambling emails to people, thinking I was being accused of horrible things and crimes and going to be killed with machetes and wanting to kill myself before this happened so I would die less painfully. The last 13 years of my life have been ruined by mental illness. One psychiatrist suggested I had Complex PTSD, another mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder, a different one then suggested I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia. Throughout all this, I have had 'friends' sever contact and end the friendship I thought we had. I have no friends and I'm probably going to end up like that woman who died in her flat and nobody bothered/cared so her body wasn't discovered for two years. Do people not want to be friends with people going through mental illness?

I have already posted , but I wanted to add something that I think does make a difference. Say, for example, you make a friend and you become very close friends, you have told her all about your previous mental health episodes but now you’re medicated and have been relatively stable for 3 years - let’s say that is how long you’ve been friends for…. And then you suffer a psychotic episode, threaten to end your life, maybe lost touch with reality (rambling emails) .. your friend is with you. It’s frightening for her, but she phones the police / takes you to hospital / drops everything to be there with you until you are safely sectioned - or whatever.
Your friend is worried for you, feeling in shock, her own mental health is taking a bettering, she’s exhausted etc etc.
But this is a good friend… unlikely to cut off the friendship because of this episode…. What I’m trying to say is that the duration of the friendship, how close you are and how stable you are matters.
But even that good friend of 3 years might have to make the tough decision to pull away from you, if this happens again and again.. for her own health.
I would aim for getting to that stable good mental health - medication review with the GP, referral to mental health services - you don’t seem to have diagnosis, and this isn’t good!
For years, I was given anti depressants… when I was diagnosed with BPD, the psychiatrist put me on a mood stabilising anti psychotic med- resperidone. It took a awhile to get the right dose for me, but that was the game changer! I have had relatively few major mental health crisis’ in many years now.
as I said in my last post - mental health support groups online and in your community can really help.
mindfulness activities like colouring can be good, anxiety rings, fidget toys… can help day to day.
definitely get out there and find a hobby… not with the aim to make friends, let them happen naturally. But for you to enjoy life, get to know you and love you first.
Once you are in a good head space, let those friendships develop.

Your mental health isn’t the only mental health that’s important. Your behaviour and your actions may actually impact the mental health of people around you, have you considered that?

There is no solution but for them to protect their own mental health, they may distance themselves.

Your friendship with these people sounds one sided - you expect them to be there for you, but what do you offer them, are you there for them? If so, you would be understanding if they say they need space. I don’t think you realise the gravity of your actions, you might think the emails were not a big deal but they could have been very disturbing and distressing to the recipient.

ultimately your friends are not mental health professionals, they don’t know how to handle being your friend. They’re not indebted to you either, they don’t have to be your friend.

It can be exhausting for friends and family. It isn't that people hate you or your illness its just draining and they might not have any more to give. It can be distressing for them. I managed someone with a mental illness. Getting texts saying they had done something to themselves and then not answering the phone when they hadn't. Going with a friend who I also managed to support them at a cancer appointment then running off saying they were going to kill themselves. It made them very selfish and everything was about them. I have a family member who doesn't believe there is anything wrong but thinks their neighbours are doing things to them that are impossible. It is so draining and upsetting having the same conversations with them.

Ultimately most people will know you can't help it and enjoy your company when you are well but they have their own issues and have to put themselves first. It doesn't mean they hate you, but they aren't equipped to deal with complex mh issues.

Agree.

That sounds really hard OP.

To answer your question- I don't think it's a question of fairness. No one is owed anyone's friendship.

People don't always have the bandwidth to support someone.

It's not an admirable thing to distance yourself from a friend with a mental illness, but I don't think that makes them a bad or unfair person either.

I've had times in my life where I have a lot of time and energy and head space for friends. There's been times when I had nothing to give them. There's been times when I needed people who could be there for me.

Don't take it personally.

I think its also very dependent on whether the person going through the MH episode appears to be doing what is in their control to tackle it.

This may be very very unfair. But what often makes people who are caring/supporting people in these situations crack is the repetition and the lack of willingness to learn from the mistakes. If you watch someone constantly indulge in destructive or self-destructive behaviour, get support, get help and then go back into a cycle of rinse and repeat there is a compassion fatigue which eventually kicks in.

When my husband was at the peak of his crisis he was constantly threatening suicide and would send me frightening video clips of himself doing things which were meant to imply that he was about to kill himself. Or strings of texts, repeated phonecalls saying he was suicidal etc. It always felt like these were timed for maximum disturbance/inconvenience: always when he knew I was putting our daughter to bed or he knew I was at work or at 3am. This would often happen about once a week.

Most people can tolerate a few episodes of this and be "there" for someone because they realise the person is in distress and not in their right mind. But when the person receives help, medication, counselling and the episodes continue to happen once a fortnight, once a month etc there's a point where it starts to feel quite manipulative.

Again, I think some people probably keep their mental health issues to themselves more (and I'm not sure that's necessarily great either). So this won't apply to everyone.

But I think what is frustrating to the friends in supporting roles is that often people appear not to be willing or able to break the cycles of these difficult behaviours, they seem almost to become a crutch. Although you understand in theory that its not someone's "fault" you do eventually become cynical and resentful when yet another disturbing and chaotic incident forces you to abandon the things you need to do for yourself.

This is why professional support is so important and of course there's very little of that available at the moment so it's a Catch 22. But I do think presenting the appearance of trying to tackle the situation rather than appearing to just accept that this is the status quo goes quite a long way in convincing friends to stick around.

Nah. I would just end the friendship. I wouldn’t drive them anywhere. I would call the police and ambulance but it’s not my job to deal with this. A friend isn’t family, you are never compelled to help. I would end the friendship over this.

The honest truth. There's a big difference ebetween someone suffering a bout of stress and anxiety and someone getting sectioned. Your mental health issues are at the other end of the scale. None of this is your fault. It is however incredibly draining dealing with someone who has mental health issues, my aunt does. My brother and I are probably the most understanding of my siblings but my aunt can be nasty with it or say hurtful things. There is only so long I can make allowances for her. I visited my mum for long weekend and she imposed on us 3 out of the 4 days we were there. My mum wanted us to stay on longer but I refused because her sister was draining me of my own energy. Its constant, erratic and just too much. She doesn't have many friends and I'm not surprised.

At the end of the day, friendships need to be a) fun and b) reciprocal (not every day but on average). When these things cease it stops being a friendship and starts becoming a support relationship which is not the same thing. And peoples' capacity and appetite to provide unpaid support is limited.

No matter what your health its always a good idea to think about what demands you are placing on your friends and what you offer in return.

I think your situation sounds incredibly difficult and like you have survived a very challenging time.

But I'm not sure it is helpful to think about whether it is "fair'' for people to end a friendship. Friendship isn't the type of relationship where you have made a formal commitment. Anyone can choose to stop being friends at any time for any reason. I think you might be better focusing on gaining new friends. I've always found hobby groups to be a good way of meeting friends.

And I would understand that completely. The trouble is, not all people with mental health issues can think from others point of view… they can lack empathy- obviously there are many different ways mental health presents itself in an individual, lots of people battle mental health and it has little effect on anyone else. Now, I have got to the point (through therapy) where I know if I’m heading for a manic episode or depressive episode. I know what to do to prevent it turning into a crisis, but I also just let friends know I’m not feeling well and will give them a call when I’m better- like anyone with a physical health condition would do.
That definitely has worked well with my friendships over the last few years.

I'm not sure I've ever thought about what my friends bring to my life and weighed them up on a balance sheet to be honest.

Totally agree, it's a very odd and robotic way to look at life I think.

OP, I have a relative with suspected schizophrenia who has been totally abandoned by all but a few of us. It's very sad and has made me reevaluate my opinions on many people.

@BubziOwl

Totally agree, it's a very odd and robotic way to look at life I think.

I think you're missing the point, it's not a "balance sheet" approach. No one (well very few people), sits down and draws up a "pros and cons" approach to what their friends bring to the table. Friendship is something unquantifiable, you either feel a friendship is worthwhile or you don't.

But the bottom line is that most people (mothers in particular) have a limited amount of time and emotional bandwidth to give to others outside their family and if someone requires constant support, counselling and tolerance which eats into their own time with very little in return there comes a point where people can't cope and emotionally shut down. It's pure self protection.

I agree about it not being a pros and cons list. I'm happy to have most people in my life to a greater or lesser degree, but if someone makes me unhappy or stressed, it's not something I can deal with right now.

OP, sadly I think you are going to have to accept that people who have been on the recieving end of disturbing emails and other erratic or frightening behaviour are likely to be wary of you. In an ideal world you would be able to talk through it and reconcile, and resume your friendship, but they may not have that capacity right now.

But please don't lose hope. I just want to give an example - I met a good friend of mine through a hobby when she had recently come out of several years in and out of hospital for some very severe and complex mental health problems. I don't know how I would have felt about having a close relationship with her when she was in the depths of her illness, as sadly it sounded like she was a danger to herself and others at certain periods. However, it seems like she has good medical and social support now, and that she has developed a wide range of coping mechanisms (I should add that she has made a huge effort to develop these skills). I regard her as a friend who has hugely enriched my life. She is fun, perceptive, unconventional and hugely intelligent and creative. Sometimes I have to make adjustments for her illness or need to be mindful of her triggers but it is 100% worth it. Hang in there OP, you never know what friendships might blossom in the future.

@Thepeopleversuswork I didn't say anyone should give "constant support". In the case of my ill family member, they're not willing to do things like drop off shopping because she's "weird" and I suppose the fact that she says odd things makes them uncomfortable (she has delusions). That's the kind of help and support I feel she deserves from the people she's spent a whole life caring for, and that's what I judge them for not giving.

@BubziOwl Yes it does sound unkind when you put it like that. I can't see why relatives shouldn't support with things like this.

I think the thing is that often people who support friends or relatives who have had mental health difficulties have a long history of having supported them over some time. A request to drop off shopping etc is innocuous and I'd like to think I would always do that if asked.

But I've been on the receiving end of many such innocuous requests which then will spiral into complaints/demands/long discussions and you can find it very hard not to get drawn back into the vortex. I can understand that if someone has a long history of supporting a person who has been unwell and is very needy then a request like this could be quite triggering and many people will want to protect themselves against the thin end of the wedge.

@dragondepressed I'm so sorry you've been through so much and have lost friends. I have a lot of empathy for your situation. I was hospitalised in my teens in a psychiatric facility and so have some idea of what it's like to struggle with mental health problems.

I have also have friends that have struggled. I endeavour to always be there for friends and support them, and I have been, but I have had one instance where I have had to step away from a friendship due to that persons mental health issues.

I suspect this friend has borderline personality disorder but is undiagnosed. I tried for many years to support them (I'm talking 10+ years) but in the end it became too much for me.

They probably think I'm an awful person for backing away, but they were so consumed by their own issues (understandable, to a degree) that they had no capacity to see the friendship from my side or to notice I had a lot to deal with in my own life (multiple pregnancy losses, referral for mental health struggles because of said losses, SEN diagnosis for one of my children). When I had the capacity to support them I have and it's mostly been one-sided (me supporting them) and I've done it out of love, but when I didn't have that capacity, I had to step back because I can't give what I don't have and I had to protect my own mental health.

I don't know your friends, but it's possible some have stepped back for similar reasons maybe? It might feel unfair to you, but constant and unwavering support can be hard to give when nearly everyone has their own issues (known or not known to you) to contend with. In my case it's not been done with malice, it's self preservation. Also, I'm my case, I've been hurt by the way this friend has treated me. In my head I know it's down to her mental illness but I'm too sensitive a person to ignore it and it upsets me. I'm maybe not the right friend for her anyway, because of that.

This isn't really a friendship you're describing, is it? It looks to me as if perhaps it started as a friendship but degenerated into a one-sided support relationship in which one party (your former friend) was dependent on you.

There are loads of people on MN who post about letting unrewarding friendships slide, even if there are no MH issues involved. Friendships need to be rewarding for both sides. Spending time with a person who only ever needs help, only ever talks about themselves — that's not a friendship.

OP I am really sorry for your experiences.

Like others have said though, often when someone is really adversely impacted by a friendship they may, for their own sake and wellbeing, have to distance themselves from it. That's really sad of course, for both parties, but is true.

I say this knowing what it's like. My brother suffers from Schizophrenia too. He doesn't have many friends which makes me sad for him, but I have also been exposed to his behaviour over the years which, if he wasn't family, would likely have caused me to not continue a relationship with him. In fact there have been times where I have kept a distance during particularly difficult periods (like when he was addicated to/ self mediated with heroin, acted completely irrationally and stole from everyone in the family) to protect myself and my family.

Glad to see some more level headed viewpoints coming through. I was cringing at some showering praise on OP, calling her strong and brave. Before you tear me a new one, she is. But the way it's said implies that she doesn't need help, that she doesn't have to change or try to get better. Because it's always someone else's fault. It like telling a morbidly obese person that they're beautiful. True, but they will still die without change or help. It's ok to be scared, it's ok to be weak. That's how you get help. But it's never anyone's else's responsibility to put themselves on fire to keep you warm.

Maybe I thought too much of the friendships, because they haven't just been one-sided and I have made an effort with people and gone out of my way to do things for them in the past. However, reciprocity doesn't matter when someone feels on edge or scared due to someone else's behaviour during a psychotic episode. Hopefully, I can make new friends in the future and keep people at a distance. It's been nearly four years since my last episode.

Most adults are quite busy, with many concerns. Friendships are usually seen as an outlet, a momentary escape from those concerns. It's nice when they're something more, but often they're not. I would try to be understanding of anyone who doesn't feel they have the capacity to support you as a friend in that way.

Regarding getting help and trying harder, usually people do make as much effort as they possibly can to get better. However, there is no sure fix. Sometimes there is no medication which helps enough (in treatment resistant illness). And while long term therapy may help somewhat (if the sufferer can afford anything more than what little the NHS can give), it doesn't always make much difference.

Yes, of course it's OK to have boundaries. You can only do what you can do, within reason. However I think people can be a bit too quick to think sufferers are lazy, don't want to recover, etc.Unfortunately recovery can seem an impossible goal, because a symptom of some mental illnesses is 'knowing' everything is dreadfully wrong and can never be made right.

No-one wants to be having horrific thoughts, to lose all their friends, to feel their life is worth nothing, to lose their job, to be told they aren't trying hard enough. It is degrading, unbelievably painful and BTW it can affect the nicest, kindest and most wonderful people.

Illness doesn't 'make them selfish', they aren't deliberately putting themselves before you. They are terrorised by their illness and it takes over their thoughts. If someone had a broken arm, would it be 'selfish' of them to not play tennis with you?

I understand that people have their own lives to lead but that is enough. There isn't any need to try to justify that with thoughtless comments about people with mental health difficulties being supposedly selfish and lazy.

I don't know why people are responding badly to this. It's a balanced, supportive comment. Better than a facile 'people will like you for you OP don't worry'

In a perfect world we'd all have the skills, training, experience and desire to be friends with people even if their actions are causing us distress or stress. We don't live in that world. People will only tolerate friends who are detrimental to their wellbeing for so long, and that's okay. It's okay for people to decide whether they want to remain friends with someone or not. It's never reasonable to think you're entitled to another person's friendship.

It's not that people don't want to be friends with people with a mental illness (some are like that, usually due to misunderstanding, but not the majority). They don't want to be friends with people who are demanding/tiresome/draining over a period of time. And I imagine it's scary for the layperson to receive emails about machetes and being killed.