Unfair to stop friendship due to mental illness?

[dragondepressed]

Over the years I have had people who I thought were my friends sever contact due to my mental illness. Five years ago I was voluntarily admitted into a psychiatric hospital for about three weeks. Then in 2019, I was sectioned for two weeks then I had a psychotic episode in the same year which led to me sending rambling emails to people, thinking I was being accused of horrible things and crimes and going to be killed with machetes and wanting to kill myself before this happened so I would die less painfully. The last 13 years of my life have been ruined by mental illness. One psychiatrist suggested I had Complex PTSD, another mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder, a different one then suggested I suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia. Throughout all this, I have had 'friends' sever contact and end the friendship I thought we had. I have no friends and I'm probably going to end up like that woman who died in her flat and nobody bothered/cared so her body wasn't discovered for two years. Do people not want to be friends with people going through mental illness?

I think this is spot on

I had a friend at work over 10 years ago now.
friendship was fine for a while then all of a sudden she started accusing me of all sorts, things like secretly bullying her , thinking she heard me saying things about her, belittling her and trying to turn people against her a whole host of awful things - it was all completely false. On a work night out her husband was asking everyone if I’m this horrible person as I’d done all this stuff to his wife , it was awful for me , I was almost questioning myself.
I got hauled into meetings with my manager and had to try and explain something I couldn’t.
Not long after she was accusing her husband of trying to have her killed… she was undiagnosed going through some sort of psychotic episode.

Once it was resolved she got in touch and apologised and I accepted as I understood it was related to her mental health, but I could never be friends with her again after what her actions put me through, regardless of the cause.

I've had friendships with two bi-polar individuals in my life. In each case we got to know each other when their condition was under control and we were able to have a normal reciprocal friendly relationship. First time round I was young and had no idea what was happening when my friend became increasingly obsessive and demanding, calling me day and night, sometimes 30 times a night, leaving me strange messages and making terrifying threats. In the end the police sectioned her and informed me that it wasn't the first time. I visited her in hospital and tried to support her when she came out a month or two later, heavily medicated. She recovered but we went through the same thing again within about nine months and I had to end the friendship. I had a demanding job, a social life, I was seeing people: I didn't have the mental energy or life experience to cope with it. If I'd been in her situation and treated friends that way I wouldn't have expected to keep them. I know it wasn't her fault but you can only ask so much of people.

The second experience of bi-polar friendship was a colleague about 15 years ago. She's very careful with her medication and although she has ups and downs she has nothing like the extreme and relentless cycles that my earlier friend had. She's very self-aware and has warned me, in the past, that she's heading into a manic phase and asked me to keep a distance, which I have.

That may answer your question, OP.

You need different friends and support, which is out there. There are good support networks, through Mind and other charities. You can also volunteer or find work which will give you outlets. Or find people through a shared hobby like walking, swimming or art stuff.

As you’ve been going through this for so long, do you have a healthcare worker that can assist you in making your own management plan? That would include social activities and what to do in a crisis, how to get some insight into your own needs, what helps keep you well, what doesn’t it.

Have you thought about dating? I have moved cities and lost touch with most friends since I moved, haven’t really made any new friends 😬 I haven’t made much effort but I have a DP so don’t really care

Draining is exactly how it feels. And then you feel bad because you feel you're not helping enough. It's a hard line to walk.

Do you only take from your friends emotional bank or do you also strive to give?

I have nothing to give right now between family and work and so I would choose me in the situation you described and just tap out.

If you want to make fitness now you're in a better place then you have got to do more. No one is going to do it for you and they won't appear out of nowhere.

I don't have a lot of friends OP. I sometimes wish I had but the older I get the more I realise most people aren't as connected as they seem. People talk about shallow relationships and those that are deep and meaningful, but for some of us 'shallow' relationships can be meaningful to the point of being essential to our MH. About 90% of my transaction are just pleasant small talk and they give me a lot of pleasure. Maybe concentrate on simply being friendly rather than finding a special friend.
Remember also you are so much more than a diagnosis so no need to discuss in depth your trauma or illness.

I am sorry friends have moved away from you. I don’t think many people feel comfortable about mental health, despite
saying otherwise.
I do hope you find one or two trustworthy and kind friends who will support you. Do you have any family that you can ask for help?

@butterfliedtwo You're right, it's a double whammy. My first experience of a severely BPD friend (described above) left me emotionally drained and seriously spooked. I thought I'd entered into an ordinary friendship and instead ended up in a bizarre and scary situation. And when I ended the relationship I suffered from terrible guilt.

I should add that the second friendship is still ongoing, but we're light touch. A couple of calls a month, birthday and Christmas cards, a couple of days out a year. It helps that we live 100 miles apart. And she is really good at sensing when things aren't good and telling me to take time out in order to protect our relationship.

Jessie878, reported you.

You sound like you have had a tough ride but WELL DONE on battling through it and not giving up!
I'd like to give you a handhold and say there most definitely will be people who will walk beside you. Don't give up hope. My exDH went through something very similar and it all got very serious. His psychiatrist even used to ask me why I 'stuck around' 😔 It's been a long journey but its so encouraging to watch someone come through the other side and see their progress. I am sorry if there is no one to give you encouragement and friendship right now, but be gentle with yourself. It will happen.

I always remember a customer coming into my old workplace and she was the most amazing, naturally funny person I think I ever met. Then we got talking and she very bravely told me her journey of how she had a breakdown and was sectioned and had to go through so much, but that she received help, was now working part time and her life was falling into place again. I still think about her and her wonderful and original personality! (Another customer had bought their dog with them and we had both made a fuss of the dog and this lady said, oh, I think the dog can smell my drugs and I laughed and explained to the other customer that she meant her medication! And we all just genuinely laughed together) She literally had such a magnetic aura about her.

Another time I have encountered a lone gentleman at a station who clearly had mental health issues (I dont mean that in a derogatory way) He was on the phone to a carer who was asking him where he was and he was trying to explain. He looked lost and everyone just avoided him. I asked if everything was okay and pointed him in the right direction to his train. He seemed ever so grateful for a friendly face.

Everyone going through something like this may be at a different stage and I genuinely understand how scary and isolating it can be. Especially to those who might not understand.

I really hope you can learn to love your uniqueness and be at peace with who you are and once you do, the right people will be drawn into your life and you will never look back.

Yes I’m sure you’d stay friends with someone sending you abusive, nasty emails.

The OP didn't do this. She thought she herself was going to be killed. She sent rambling emails, not abusive ones.

It is very difficult being friends with someone who is going through a mental health crisis. For 18 years I supported my friend, who I still love dearly, throughout each crisis. I was there each time she was sectioned. I put up with so much; lies, violence, accusations, mind games. Although none of this was her fault, it was her illness, but it just became too much for me to handle. I had small children and I know I was putting them at risk if our friendship continued. She thought they were devils.
Long story short, one of the reasons I moved half was across the world was to escape her mental health issues. I forever feel guilty for abandoning her, but 18 years took its toll and there was no way I was prepared to put my children’s lives at risk.

So, there’s your answer. Some people cannot deal with the side effects of your mental health that impacts their own lives. Sounds heartless but it’s the truth. People can only take so much.

It is not "unfair" for people to remove themselves from situations they feel unequipped to deal with, overwhelmed or frightened by. People also leave friendships for all sorts of other reasons. All you can do is to continue to work on your own stability and perhaps find supportive groups for people dealing with the sort of mental health issues you have been dealing with.

I have been on both sides of this situation and I just want to give you a hug.

But I voted YABU because the truth is, we can't control other people, we can't oblige them to be our friends.

💐

No. It’s not unfair. I’ve cut contact with a friend due to her mental illness (major depressive disorder). What happened in the end wasn’t that bad. She said something nasty to me and got a bit weird and I thought “I’m done now”. There was a history of shitty behaviour which all added up and I valued myself too much to accept her abuse.

Your mental health issues sound extreme. You were a danger to yourself and others.

It does sound like you have had a series of psychotic breaks.

Are you currently medicated? Have you been assessed for bipolar?

You didn’t mention bipolar but you have the capacity to make friends but these psychotic breaks cause you to lose the friendships. I’m wondering if it’s bipolar.

My sister has severe MH problems.
If we don't give her what she wants (the hundreds of texts, the validation she craves) she cuts us off, disappears for a while, then emerges months or years later all bright and breezy. Until it starts again. If you ever tell her of your own issues she turns it back to herself.
I can't help her, but I can change my response and if that means pulling back then I'm afraid that's what I need to do.
Not once in the midst of my own MH problem (situational and much better now, but under tier 3 care for a long time) did she offer me any support or even acknowledgment.
She's very intelligent, and when she's engaging with the help provided can be lovely, but her condition manifests itself in ways that those around her find very challenging.

People with MH issues are, understandably, egocentric and focuses on themselves and what they are experiencing. While you were going through all of that were you aware of any difficulties your friends may have been experiencing in their own lives, did you have capacity to support them? If not, they may have gravitated towards friendships that were reciprocal.

That is not to say that you are not a wonderful person with a lot to offer, but you were ill. I would think that the thing to do is fully focus on getting well and new friendships.

My completely honest response, OP:

Your mental illnesses would not be a factor in whether I would be friends with you. I do have several friends with mental illnesses, a couple quite severe. We are still able to do things together that we both enjoy and the friendships are good for both of us.

OTOH, I have once stepped back from someone with a mental illness who wasn't healthy to have in my life or that of my family. It started to affect my own mental health and she made me feel unsafe. I did what was best for my children primarily. To the outside it would have looked heartless. I'm sad about the situation, but it was how it was and I know I made the right decision.

At present, due to carrying quite a burden of care-giving myself, I have to admit I probably don't have the capacity to deal with someone who needs a lot of support from me, or who is hard work. This is about self preservation and avoiding burn out though, not about rejecting someone with mental health (or any other) issues.

It can be difficult to be friends with someone who needs more from you than you have capacity to give; it doesn’t mean you’re not someone who can or should have friends though op

Join some local meet up groups; and maybe you’ll make some new friends

I think people find it hard to be friends with people with any illnesses, not just mental. It's easy to get out the loop if you can't join social activities due to illness

Agreed.

I'm not a carer or a mental health nurse. It sounds harsh but I don't have the energy or headspace for friendships like this.

If anyone sent me rambling emails about being killed with machetes I would probably contact the police, to be honest. That's not on.