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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that another Mumsnetter has guessed who I am and been gossiping about me at school to the parents and teachers about what she read on a tread I started

107 replies

summersun06 · 04/02/2008 21:59

Some of you might now my story all ready I lost one of my twin Daughters in August aged 11 months, and I have poured my heart out on MN. A friend of mine works at the school (I used to work there to) and she told me that one of the Class room assistant came up to her the other day and said "Hows * " and my friend said she went on to say that her daughter-in-law is a mumsnetter and she saw my thread and put two and two together and gathered it was me and the class room assistant went onto tell my friend how I poured my heart out on MN. The next day another Class room assistant came to her and said the same. I am so upset to think that they are all sitting reading my thoughts and gossiping about me, this women is a Mum at the school to, so who knows who she has told. What do I do? I like/liked this women and often chatted (small talk) to her. Do I confront her? but im not sure I am strong enough. Why are people so f*ked up? Any ideas?

OP posts:

Original poster

summersun06 · 04/02/2008 23:02

I hate confrontation but I dont think I have much choice it may get out of hand other wise

OP posts:

LadyVictorianSqualor · 04/02/2008 23:04

I wont look at the site now, because I dont think I'd look at it in the right frame of mind, what with this thread angering me and being all hormotional anyway, I'd prefer to look when I'll be paying your DD respect rather than out of anger, but I want to say, she too was extremely lucky to have you.
x

AitchTwoOh · 04/02/2008 23:04

oh gosh poor you, it really needn't be a confrontation, at least i hope not. if the DiL has a heart she'll be horrified and will call her MiL to heel.

Original poster

summersun06 · 04/02/2008 23:05

Thank you Lady thats very nice of you xx

OP posts:

susiecutiemincepies · 04/02/2008 23:57

What a shit thing to do. Really bad MNetiquette and generally just a horrible thing to do. SO sad for you. Upset me to read this, after everything you have gone through.
you are a wonderful woman, with wonderful girls. You have kept SO incredibly strong in the face of such hard times, dont let a small minded pathetic, petty person bring you down, and upset you. She is just not worth it.
You have kept your dignity, and you strength, and you will find it again.

I am sure the person in question knows just who they are, what htey have done, and will probably be reading this now. Hopefully feeling sick about what thye have done. I have such a strong feeling though, lke aitch says, that perhaps it is not the MNetter but her MIL that has behaved in such a terrible way.
I know i have talked to my DH about things i have read on here, and my mum, althoguh, i never mention names ( not htat he'd take names in anyway! ) I kow he'd not be passing it on anywhere, nor would my mum. especially if they knew the who i was talking about. its just not the done thing, in any community, let alone an online one.

really saddens me. I'm so sorry for your loss, and that oyu are going through this too.

you must not let htis stop you posting as YOURSELF.. you are who you are, dont let this person spoil that, and take away your support network on here. remember, YOU are the better person in this.

shabster · 05/02/2008 00:23

Summersun I am sure I remember your story - please bear with me I have had a couple of apple juices (sounds better than cider!!)

I have had four DS and very, very sadly lost two of them. The only thing I can remember after the second little boy died - oh sod it Matthew, I dont care who knows what my sons name was is that I was walking along a local road and coming towards me was my health visitor with a trainee. Before they got to me the HV was explaining that the woman coming towards us has lost two children. Then the next day on the bus I listened to 2 stupid old women talking about Matthews accident.

They said 'oh thats the road that the little boy had the accident.' 'i bet it was a single parent' 'oh i agree - bet she was about 14 when she had him' 'they dont deserve children these days' When we got to our destination the majority of the people, on the bus, were in tears and urging me to fight back.

You dont need to explain yourself my darling, forget the gossip mongers, sod the lot of them. Your bereavement is yours and yours alone - there will always be someone on here to help. Your child is the most special thing on this earth. Hold your head up and forget the fools.

I am so sorry to go on and on - BUT - it makes my blood boil. If you need to speak to me please tell me - oh sod it again - [email protected] let them do their worst.

Sorry that this has gone on and on but there are times when we need to speak up and say 'keep out of my business.' xxxxxxxx

shabster · 05/02/2008 00:25

Summersun - I think I had a menopausal rant then - I am here if you need me. Please get in touch in you want to. xxx

violetsky · 05/02/2008 00:44

I would be half tempted to ask morning paper to put a bit in her round up ss. Really make the mner who outed you cringe. Or, I would go up to the fellow mner and say that if you (ss) wasn't the nice person you are, you would inform the headteacher of what a shitty underhand slime ball, sneaky mner she is.

mananny · 05/02/2008 03:38

I just wanted to add to all the love and support you have here. I nanny for twins and I couldn't imagine losing one of them and they are not even mine IYSWIM. I'm sorry if this is going to sound clumsy, I can't get the words out right. I feel such admiration for parents who are both blessed by having an angel for a child, and devastated by that angel having to return to heaven. Bless you and your family. And I hope that karma is a bitch to that awful woman for gossiping. How dare she.

BBBee · 05/02/2008 07:00

this happened to me and it was really awful. I had no idea how she tracked me down except that is was around mile for maude and I had talked about that a bit at the school gates.

This woman used to drop hints about things I had posted on here and did the gossiping thing with others about what I had posted about XY&Z. She would even comment to me about my swearing on here!

I loved my original name and I was known well as that but I had no choice but to change and became this BBBee you see before you.

It was horrible though - very violating.

BBBee · 05/02/2008 07:00

this happened to me and it was really awful. I had no idea how she tracked me down except that is was around mile for maude and I had talked about that a bit at the school gates.

This woman used to drop hints about things I had posted on here and did the gossiping thing with others about what I had posted about XY&Z. She would even comment to me about my swearing on here!

I loved my original name and I was known well as that but I had no choice but to change and became this BBBee you see before you.

It was horrible though - very violating.

kiskidee · 05/02/2008 07:14

i dont agree that she would be thrown off her course for this. i think she needs to know from a professional level about confidentiality of anything she knows about another family or child. i would feel uncomfortable with telling her myself.

sorry to hear people can be so irresponsible.

kiskidee · 05/02/2008 07:28

i am a teacher btw.

i think because she is staff at a school where your child is, it is a wholly reasonable complaint and it is best handled by a third person on your behalf and for her sake. it can also make sure a line is drawn under the incident so everyone can move on.

i honestly don't think it will cause her sacking - but you may feel more comfortable explaining that concern with the head.

shabster · 05/02/2008 07:41

My friend in the school yard became a widow last year - her husband took his own life. It was an horrific death and within hours THE DINNER LADIES/PLAYGROUND STAFF were gossiping! What is wrong with these people - have they never, ever heard about keeping their mouths shut when tragedy occurs. I love gossip but subjects like this are not gossip they are very sad. Our little circle of playground friends joined ranks around our dear pal and I went to the (very weak) headmaster and complained.

OMG I am still ranting about this 7 hours after my first message - I think I need to go and take a beta blocker!

littlelapin · 05/02/2008 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlelapin · 05/02/2008 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 05/02/2008 07:57

Nowt to do with bad mn etiquette, it's just plain rude to gossip about someone like that. But I do wonder if perhaps they didn't understand how it works. You and everyone here understands that this place is 'private' in a sense in that what goes on here, is meant to stay here. Which is why we all use nicknames that aren't related to our rl names. But maybe those not so familiar won't understand - it's on a public forum so maybe they assume that it's open season on anything they see here.

But whatever the source of the info, it's still gossip and not nice.

kayzr · 05/02/2008 08:00

I think its disgusting. I feel so sorry for you. Not only do you go through the worst thing imaginable but then to have all your thoughts and feelings broadcast to peoplelike that. If I ever found out the identity of a fellow MNer I would never say anything to anyone.

shabster · 05/02/2008 08:20

hi littlelapin - i dont care who knows me! I really appreciate your advice - but this story has got me wanting to scream from the rooftops. When it happened to me I was in such a dark place that I didnt have the courage to confront anyone. People gossiped and said it was my fault my DS had been killed, because I shouldnt have let him play on his bike. Then when they knew I had lost a twin DS some years before - they went to town on me. I am now, so glad to say, fighting my corner and blaming it on the menopause! Thank you very much for your kindness about my sons - I used to be a quiet little nervous wreck - but 'time heals' and I am as strong as an ox now.

littlelapin · 05/02/2008 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilRedWG · 05/02/2008 10:54

Your daughters are beautiful - I am so sorry for your loss and that you have been caused this unnecessary pain.

Original poster

summersun06 · 05/02/2008 11:56

Thank you all for your kind words, im please to know that other mumsnetters feel the same, I wasn't sure if I was been OTT. Deep down I know I wasn't.

Hi Shabster, I am so sorry to hear of your losses, it just the worst kind of pain you can ever experence. It just awful to think that you have been through a similiar thing as I have and people are really unthoughtful. I have got your email and I will drop you a line later xxx

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marina · 05/02/2008 12:05

Summersun, and Shabster too - words fail me . I would hope in Summer's case at least that however crass and inappropriate the woman's remarks were, that some kind of sympathy was at the bottom of them.
But really, people can be so thoughtless
I've posted stuff over the years that I would not like discussed in RL by others who might have recognised me. I can understand how upset you feel and I hope you have the strength to tackle her about it. Let us know how you get on. Thinking of you and your gorgeous girls, as ever

Original poster

summersun06 · 05/02/2008 12:06

thank you Marina x

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kizzie · 05/02/2008 21:34

Dear Summersun. Just to say that i have looked at your site and your daughters are so beautiful. A really lovely tribute. And you have an amazing smile!! Hope that helps you through. (and of course yanbu. Silly cow (her not you!) - anyone with any sense would have kept their mouth shut.)

Kizzie x

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