To think that single parents can work?

[pinknod]

I'm a trainee midwife in my second year, DS if four.

His dad is becoming increasingly useless and it mostly falls onto me now. My parents are helping with childcare as the shifts are 12.5 hours so normal childcare doesn't cover it.

But they are moving away once I qualify.

A colleague said I "may as well drop out now".

Surely, single parents work long shifts? Is there some trick that I'm missing?

I'm now feeling like once I qualify and no longer have my parents around, I'll have to give it up.

I think at this stage the OP is asking for more practical solutions to working long shifts, including nights and changing days.

Have you looked at options? In a big city you might be able to find something. Can you live near your parents? Would they stay with you sometimes or child stay with them? Community midwifery? Project roles? Health visitor? I wouldn’t give up your course there will be options other than the traditional role. If I was a childminder I’d be happy to have a child mindee who would be asleep for 10 hours of my shift!

Do you think your parents will be leaving as soon as you qualify or be around for your preceptorship? You could move to a community based role which may be easier. My trust is 8-5, although 1 8-8 every couple of weeks and a night on call 1-2 times a month although I know not all trusts are like that. Your trust may even offer preceptorship in the community (mine don't) but something to investigate. I am a midwife and no way I could do the ward based work as a single parent with no family around to help. I guess if I looked into it I may find something but would be fairly difficult. I leave the house at 6 and home at 8. 3-4 days a week.

I have a wonderful babysitter who works through an agency for a couple of families, all frontline emergency services.

This seems to be what you're looking for OP.

Who was the colleague, OP? An already trained MW or a trainee?
Have you spoken to whoever manages the ward or shifts?

Are all hospitals the same when it comes to MW working patterns?
Are MWs who put in requests for flexible working always rejected on the grounds of it not being a job that can accommodate it?

£70 a week money to purely spend or save. No living costs whatsoever. Lots of time to meet friends and do online graphic design jobs and learn English.

Average week 1: kids up at 8 , breakfast, ten minute walk to school. Pick up at 3.30, tea, hang at home until 20.15. 3 days only.
Average week 2: as above for a day. Another day or two - nothing until I left at 19.15 - oversee going to bed and then evening to herself unless kids woke (they never did). Make sure they were up at 8 but I would be back not much after and we would take turns doing the school run before I slept and she had the day to herself again.

Not morally problematic. She invites me to France for her wedding a few years ago and we are still in touch. She had more spending cash than I and my parents would do the odd weekend day too.

Op look at nurseries near airports. I'm sure some of them basically operate 20hrs to accommodate aircrew being late / very early.

But I'd also look a community midwifery and roles in consultants clinics.

Don't give up your training, you have a few years when it will be tough going then as your kid gets older it will get easier.

I also think think NHS has to accept not everyone can do 12hr shifts and it's better to have some extra people for 6 or 7 hrs of that shift than not at all.

Nope. Not possible. You'll run yourself ragged, and suffer with guilt on both fronts - unreliable employee and a tired mother.

My own single mum worked shifts and I remember her asleep. A lot.
I tried to stay working after the childbirth but became a shit employee.

With a house-husband I'd be flying...!

I get zero help & have had to get a job in school hours so I at least earn something. It’s really hard.

Lone parent of 3 and work full time as a nurse doing 12 hour shifts. But my Mum is essentially a second parent for me and does all school runs on my work days/has them on weekends. I also compromised my passion of being an a&e nurse (which I did prior to our split) and went into care home nursing as I essentially pick my shifts, only work days and get paid more. Shift work and lone parenting is not compatible without significant support unfortunately.

Would you have a spare room for an au pair ? Cheaper than usual childcare. Of course the child would still need to go to nursery in the day but an au pair could cover early morning /late afternoon.

Otherwise, I don't know what people do. Shift work is hard when it comes to that. I have a normal office job but even so, my children need watching for 10h a day (8h office hours plus commute and the occasional errands).

My friends have an amazing nanny - she looked after the 2 children since 1 & 3. Very flexible around shift work etc. She in the past has even stayed over to cover night shifts and covers weekend shifts etc

She’s an absolute treasure without her my friend couldn’t be a midwife. They nanny is older (a granny herself) So is happy to follow the shift pattens as she herself doesn’t need to be there for her own children - they all grown up.

The children are now 13 & 12 but she still works for her to help with weekends, after-school etc

I do feel for single parents, shift work and unsupportive ex - partners. Finding good child minders to cover this type of work is rare , sadly.

Would it be possible to use a before school breakfast club early morning and a childminder to collect child after school and feed evening meal and then you collect.

I’ve done all kinds of single parenting.

Working full time in a good job which was massively stressful and had me having to work overtime at a moments notice. Not sustainable at all, how do I get childcare at a few hours notice? Had to give that up, shame as it was a good career path.

Working part-time around my kids school hours and holidays - perfect. Broke though and career down the toilet. Impossible to get a good career this way unless your current employer agrees to the change, or you hit lucky and earn enough working for yourself.

Not working - very difficult and quite isolating, but also did this as one of my kids had disabilities and school was less hours, much more time for appointments that I’d have to go to etc and childcare resulted in poorer quality of life for the poor kid as it takes quite a lot of expertise to care for. So did that too.

There is no obvious trick but if you've got this far you might as well finish your training. Maybe do bank shifts, try to get community or clinic work (not sure how that works for midwives?). Can you go on to do health visitor training from this? Might suit your circumstances better. Unfortunately out of hours regular childcare isn't likely to be possible unless you can find someone reliable to do long term and affordable babysitting

I relied heavily on my mum until suddenly because of ill health I couldn't, shift work as a carer including nights and 14 hours.
It's bloody hard, and expensive, but do-able.

DD went to nursery already as my mum also worked but she was always around evenings, and so I asked discreetly at the nursery if anyone was wanting a baby sitting job, one girl did and she used to take DD back to my house and do the evening routine and put to bed - both DD and I knew her already, but it was a bit nerve wracking at first.
I also had a friend who always needed a bit of extra cash and she used to babysit for me as well. And at times colleagues and I helped each other out.
It wasn't great for DD to not have a set routine maybe, although she never seemed adversely affected and just went with the flow.
It was hard work planning it all though and I felt incredibly guilty because I felt she was pulled from pillar to post and nothing was ever set in stone, it was a bit of a wing and a prayer most of the time.
But she's 20 now and at university and turning into a well rounded adult that I'm incredibly proud of, and she remembers it but doesn't view it negatively. Some people school were disapproving if I'm honest, but I had to learn to live with it because I didn't have a choice.

Of course they can, I have 2 dc and did it. I was skint due to Childcare, but that doesn't last, and I'm reaping the rewards now they've hit the teenage years and can be left alone for a few hours

I work in a standard office job and that's been pretty grim at times with no family or ex around.
Don't give up the training though as something might fall into place.

But did you work shifts and nights? What did you do for childcare then? That's what the OP wants to know.

Yes… I suppose to me £70 per week is not a morally acceptable rate for working 8-9 & 3.15 (because of course they’d need to travel to school) until 8.15 three days a week, including overnight shifts. I know you’re calling it ‘hanging at home’ and ‘having the evening to yourself’ but she isn’t ‘hanging at home’ if she’s in sole charge of your children from 3-8pm. She’s working.

It will depend on the trust, but lots of nursing and midwifery long day shifts start at 7am, so OP would need to leave the house at 6:30am or earlier, depending on her commute. Most school breakfast clubs start at 8am or thereabouts, so OP will need preschool care too.

£70 plus free rent and all meals provided, for 18 hours work per week. A babysitter would be £10 per hour, so £180 all in.

I don’t know where you live, but you can’t get a room in a shared house inclusive of all bills and meals for £110 per week around here. Rent alone would be more like £400 pw.

It’s not the point. Rent & food is part of the aupair deal, in return for light childcare. That does not mean 6 hours shifts plus occasional overnights with sole charge of multiple children. The point of aupairs is that it is a cultural exchange, not a cheap babysitter.

Yes plenty of single parents work. However they don't typically work shiftwork unless they have paid for or family help.

What's the plan for nightshifts? Latest etc?

@Kanaloa Yes… I suppose to me £70 per week is not a morally acceptable rate for working 8-9 & 3.15 (because of course they’d need to travel to school) until 8.15 three days a week, including overnight shifts. I know you’re calling it ‘hanging at home’ and ‘having the evening to yourself’ but she isn’t ‘hanging at home’ if she’s in sole charge of your children from 3-8pm. She’s working.

1. It wouldn't be £70 nowadays - given that it was years ago that the au pair got married, it would have been still more years ago when this was the rate
2. Having been an au pair, depending on the age of the kids it really can be hanging. Her youngest was school aged by the time the au pair started - in my experience it was a lot of work with a 3 year old, but with older kids was often doing my own thing while the kids did homework, watched TV, played lego, helped me make dinner etc.
3. The extras covered can be very extensive. A sole use room (often also bathroom) in a major city would already cost more than those 24 hours at the minimum wage, or even the higher Living Wage. Then you add all food, utilities, internet, phone bill and public transport, and it adds up to a lot more than £70

Au pairing is absolutely ripe for abuse, I get that and think there should be more oversight - I had one very difficult family who I left quickly, and heard terrible stories from a couple of friends. However I look back on it really fondly, it is a really workable solution for lots of young people, and for families.