To think that single parents can work?

[pinknod]

I'm a trainee midwife in my second year, DS if four.

His dad is becoming increasingly useless and it mostly falls onto me now. My parents are helping with childcare as the shifts are 12.5 hours so normal childcare doesn't cover it.

But they are moving away once I qualify.

A colleague said I "may as well drop out now".

Surely, single parents work long shifts? Is there some trick that I'm missing?

I'm now feeling like once I qualify and no longer have my parents around, I'll have to give it up.

Like it could possibly work if you could ensure the aupair would only be picking the child up from school and caring for the child for a couple of hours, but that won’t be the case if op wants to/has to work 12.5 shifts. What she needs is a nanny. An aupair shouldn’t be asked to provide that type of full time care. And the reason they are ‘cheaper than a babysitter/nanny’ is specifically because they do not provide that type of childcare - it is more like a cultural exchange, and it’s really bad form to take advantage of them by expecting them to cover sole charge of your small child for 12.5 hour shifts.

I work! I work in a job that often involves a bit more than full time hours and quite a lot of responsibility.

I have a very good childminder for DS, and that’s extremely helpful. A bit like a paid granny (although she’s not really old enough . I work three days in the office (1 hour to 1 hour 15 mins travel each way) and two days from home. DS (8) also does some before and after school clubs which helps.

I also have a Dd who is a teenager so doesn’t need childcare but does need presence and talking through things, etc.

I’m not a lone parent but their dad is a bit crap - does have them some of the time (Dd more than ds, due to their own preferences) but wouldn’t dream of doing any of the legwork or life admin for the kids.

It’s hard work but I’d rather be working and earning a decent wage than not.

Would be much harder to work a job with shifts and nights though.

I know night nannies exist but they’re very expensive

Sorry I got a bit carried away answering your thread title more than the actual thread

No way could I have worked unsociable hours when DS was younger, I had very little childcare help. I probably could now he's older (15 in a couple of weeks) but I have a 9-5 job.

O0:- it just occurred to me that used to give a lady a lift. Didn’t know her well but she was a nurse and as a single parent, she managed to get an ‘annualised hours’ contract which gave her flexibility to have school holidays off. I am pretty sure she was part time when it came down to it, but it helped her manage her job - she had no help that I remember. It might be worth looking in to.

Hi OP
Is there someone who works the opposite shift to you - unsure your pattern.
Example if you were M/T/W 12 hrs and they were T/F/S could you come to some sort of arrangement.
Alternatively what about an Au pair.

They would live in and this may help, a cost to you but more affordable than other options.

And what about your ex's family ? is this an option or your extended family ?

Just a couple of thoughts. Don't give up your dream , things work out in the strangest ways and you will not be the only parent needing childcare!
best of luck !

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing having a crap husband does not compare to being a single parent. Working three day shifts in an office and two at home is not comparable to working twelve hour shifts.

I became a single parent of a 3yr, 8yr and 11yr old at the end of my 1st year of midwifery. Ex was beyond unhelpful but that’s another story…

Winged it with favours for a while and asking for shifts I could manage but then I got an Au Pair - it was amazing. £70 a week plus food and she would do the school run and even had dinner for me when home at 8.30 pm just because she was amazing!

Managed until they were all at school and I could work community and use breakfast and after school clubs. It’s doable…!

I was assuming the child, who will be 5 when OP graduates, will be in school by then, and can use afterschool care. If OP is working 12 hr shifts, she should only be doing 3-4 shifts a week if she is FT, less if PT. So would only be a few hours for the babysitter or au pair to cover each week.

I’m not sure about overnight babysitters - obviously they do exist, but I’ve never used one so not sure how easy they are to find or how expensive. But they do exist.

3 x 12 hour shifts meant my AP had them for an hour in the morning and then took them to school and a few hours in the evening. Some shifts were nights and she just put the little one to bed. She definitely didn’t do more than her agreed 24 hrs at all. Sometimes not even close.

I made nursing work as a single parent by going part time and in the community. I also had good childcare that was prepared to do weekends/bank holidays and school holidays. It was hard and I couldn't work full time primarily because I'd have to work extra weekends which my childminder was happy to cover 1 a month but not two which was what I would have done being full time. Will dcs dad be reliably able to have dc (mine was not involved so didn't have that back up)?

Exactly! Might be as little as 6 hrs a week.

I am a nurse, and a single parent of 4. Childcare doesn’t exist for me as my youngest has autism and adhd, but I work things round my ex shifts so I can only work 2 days max. Am about to start a 3 day job 8-4 so hoping my son will be ok with that. I am worried tbh.

I really hope you can work it out, it would be a shame to stop this far in. I have considered being a childminder for nurses/shift workers as I know how hard it is to struggle but that’s a way off yet as my son requires me at the moment.
good luck 🤞

You need to find a good childminder. My friend works full time Nhs shifts with 2 little ones. Its hard but she juggles between childminder, nursery and school.

Did I say husband? I meant ex husband!

i am a single parent. I’m not a lone parent as he does something.

Yes it is possible,it will be hard,exhausting,challenging but fun,exhilarating and you will feel proud and confident you are doing the job you love,making a real example of independence and success to your dc and bringing them up yourself too.
But please take time out for you too.You cannot be there for everyone.it may appear to you to be selfish but it is not,you need time out to remain strong.
you may be working a lot and feeling guilty for not being with dc but they will adapt and accept it as long as they have your love ,stability,and your attention when together.
good Luck.💐

Please link me to where I could find an au pair at a morally acceptable rate of pay to cover this sort of childcare! You are living in cuckoo land to think this is feasible on a single salary and needing such a flex in hours.

Oh I see I didn’t say husband. Phew. Would have to have said that!

I thought “I’m a single parent… their dad is a bit crap” made it clear we weren’t together.

Single parent for any parent who is single, lone parent for when there is no other parent in the picture is pretty accepted and agreed MN terminology.

I agree an au pair can’t cover night shifts.

Single mum without any help from the ex and going to second the idea of an au pair. We had a series of wonderful ladies from France, Spain and Italy and utterly adored them. It was a learning curve but they plugged the gaps meaning I could work (I'm self employed) and my kid had someone with them they trusted.

I think your mistake is ‘morally acceptable rate.’ Those people who jump on any childcare thread to suggest an aupair to cover 12.5 hour shifts (and I don’t see how it will be a ‘few hours’ since school is generally on from 9-3, which would leave a lot more than a few hours) aren’t suggesting paying a morally acceptable rate. They think it’s ‘cheaper than a babysitter’ which suggests they want to pay the going rate of an aupair and somehow that will get them somebody who will care for their child overnight/evenings/before and after school to cover 12.5 hour shifts.

The au pair conversation is irrelevant - it’s currently very difficult to get an au pair due to brexit and the added cost for Canadians/Australians/Nee Zealanders due to health tax and visa costs.
If you’re lucky enough to get someone, you either live in central London, can offer a flat/car, or are paying a lot of money.

@ginswinger

Did the wonderful ladies cover 12.5 hour shifts (of course a bit longer to allow for commuting/travel time) providing sole care for small children during that time? Including overnight and evenings? For a price that’s cheaper than a babysitter? Surely not?

There are or at least used to be childminders who had children overnight (parent who's daughter sometimes came to nursery used one when she worked night shifts). They aren't common though and I'm going back 16 years. Similar there are nurseries (a few) who offer childcare overnight and might also take older children.

Live in childcare?