Worried about how DS’s girlfriend treats him

[Redlorryorangelorry]

DS is 18 and been with his girlfriend about a year. He’s a very laid back person and too nice for his own good. He runs around a lot after his girlfriend, picking her up, driving her to places and most of the time he’s the one who pays for things when they go out (we’ve told him this isn’t on to no avail). Past few months we’ve been noticing more and more that his girlfriend makes fun of him. She’ll say something derogatory about his driving, what he’s eating etc. I’m well aware that I can’t interfere in their relationship but I have asked him about this and he says she’s just joking. His sister has just told me she’s been making fun of him a lot today on their way home from college. What should I do in this situation? I don’t want to push DS away.

I wish his girlfriend luck, you sound like the overbearing MIL from hell.

he’s the one who pays for things when they go out (we’ve told him this isn’t on to no avail).

How’s this any of your business? A lot of men don’t like going 50/50 and want to pay.

Past few months we’ve been noticing more and more that his girlfriend makes fun of him. She’ll say something derogatory about his driving, what he’s eating etc.

Oh the horror 😱 It’s called banter, those are hardly abusive personal insults.

How does he react when the GF pokes fun at him? If he laughs it off I wouldn't worry. If he looks hurt then maybe he needs to review the relationship. However, you need to bite your tongue.

I don't think you sound oberbearing at all, just concerned.

She doesn't sound very nice. Does she make fun of him in front of you? I'd pick her up on that, let her know you are on to her.

Your DS sounds lovely, it's a shame he's being takdn advantage of.

What an absolutely appalling response.

The OP is asking for advice, she hasn’t mentioned it to the son or gf- hardly overbearing.

”A lot of men want to pay”….what?!

And it’s only “banter” if it goes both ways.

I can bet that if the sexes were reversed your comments (particularly about banter) would be different.

there is very little difference between banter and bullying, and I will have a good guess which one you get involved in !!!

If his sister has noticed it's not likely to be just teenage bants.

Don't you think sons deserve to expect mutual respect in relationships, and don't you chat to your sons about what that looks like?

It's called parenting...

What sort of things does she say? There’s a fine line between teasing behaviour and more bullying behaviour. If she’s the same age as him she’s probably just a little bit immature. She may just see it has harmless teasing. I think as a pp said, his reaction is the thing to watch. If he is laughing about it, that would probably reassure her that she’s not crossing a boundary with him so is unlikely to correct her behaviour. If he seems sad then it’s something to watch.
I think him driving her places and paying for things is quite normal though (as sexist as that may seem!). It sounds like you have brought him up to be a decent man.

What should you do about your adult child’s relationship, are you serious?

he’s an adult man. You do fuck all as it’s not your business.

I could have written this myself about one of my friends. Lovely person, but who is constantly taken advantage of in relationships, both personally and financially too. I know how difficult it is to see from afar, especially when you're not in a position to say anything! No advice but lots of sympathy

Me and my DH tease each other a lot and it's fine. However, if both you and your daughter feel uncomfortable about the way she speaks to him then it probably goes beyond normal banter.
As for people saying it's fine he pays for everything - he's 18. I assume he's not rolling in money. You should pay her fair share too. It does sound a little like she's taking advantage of him.

Sadly there isn't very much you can do. You can chat to him about it and tell him how precious he is and how much you love him

But if he decides the way his girlfriend is, is ok, then just sit back and wait

But keep telling him how much you love him

I’m guessing you don’t have an 18yo in your life?

Ah yes, the infamous MN adulthood threshold whereby the moment a teen turns 18 they are now officially 'adult' so any concerns about their welfare or choices in life are never to be aired.

What an absolutely horrible response. Agree with pp saying what if the sexes were reversed and it was your dd being treated this way. Banter or bullying. He's only 18 for goodness sake

Agreed, I also don’t think you need overbearing either. I think you’ve dealt with it really well by noticing these things, deciding you’re not comfortable with them and then having a think about how to approach the situation. You’ve neither been passive or overbearing, and are just looking out for your DS and making sure he’s okay.

I think one option is just to wait and see how the situation pans out and to keep communication channels open with your DS (it sounds like they are open, and like you both have a good relationship - credit to you for bringing him up well), and just wait for him to come to you and then listen to his feelings and concerns and advise him accordingly.

Sorry, meant to say ‘I don’t think you sound overbearing’.

What did his sister actually say?

He's 18 !! a young adult. Grow up

Well it sounds like you haven't taught him to set and maintain a boundary.

Paying for stuff and giving her lifts - not really an issue if he's happy doing it. I imagine that over time, he will become resentful and eventually dump her, if it's a problem.

The teasing - well, it depends on whether or not HE thinks it is a problem. But there's nothing really that you can do about it.

I am sure you will keep a close eye on things and ensure he is ok and make sure he is aware of expectations within a relationship of how to be treated with respect. Also the girlfriend may not mean anything menacing by the teasing but it’s important to manage expectations. Try not to alienate the girlfriend. However, before I married my DH, I was ill with flu, bed bound for 2days. My mother in law to be told my brother I was not cooking for her son and he was suffering. I was ill in bed! Don’t be this

I agree that it depends how he reacts. Is he laughing/joining in or is he hurt? DH and I banter with each other and can get very close to the line and make comment to to each other that would horrify other people.

Presuming he's not happy though, the main thing is to just keep lines of communication open so he knows you're there for him. If you badmouth her or say negative things about her or suggest they split up, etc then you're only going to push them closer together and reinforce an "us against the world" situation. Remain present, keep talking, and be available, beyond that you need to bite your tongue.

All you can really do as a parent is to be there and be your lovely supportive self. We can’t choose our children’s friends, just hope over time that they make the right decisions. I always think that parenting gets harder the older they get.

If she makes comments in front of you, you can say it’s unkind. If she’s not the right one, time will out.

Maybe his girlfriend is joking and you and your DD are just hypersensitive or ‘too nice’ yourselves. As for him mostly paying for things when they go out, how do you know? Has he told you this? Does he earn more money than her? If so I think it’d be pretty normal for someone to want to treat their partner no? I would continue to keep an eye out, but would probably keep my mouth shut for now to be honest.

No you're not overbearing and he's a young adult not a fully fledged mature grown up imho, I think you're playing this right.
Hopefully he'll learn from this early relationship and take the good and the bad from his experience when considering his next partner.

Thank you for the replies. I think it’s more than banter as DS doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t really respond but goes quiet and looks uncomfortable. He also doesn’t do it back to her.

I agree though that there’s very little I can do. I think his sister is going to have a word later as she found it a bit much today. I was thinking it might be better coming from her rather than me.