Worried about how DS’s girlfriend treats him

[Redlorryorangelorry]

DS is 18 and been with his girlfriend about a year. He’s a very laid back person and too nice for his own good. He runs around a lot after his girlfriend, picking her up, driving her to places and most of the time he’s the one who pays for things when they go out (we’ve told him this isn’t on to no avail). Past few months we’ve been noticing more and more that his girlfriend makes fun of him. She’ll say something derogatory about his driving, what he’s eating etc. I’m well aware that I can’t interfere in their relationship but I have asked him about this and he says she’s just joking. His sister has just told me she’s been making fun of him a lot today on their way home from college. What should I do in this situation? I don’t want to push DS away.

Wow you sound nice!

Nothing wrong with him paying for everything if he’s happy to. He could just be a traditional gentleman.

DH and I have been together since teens and before we had joint finances he paid for everything because those are his values.

That was a big attraction to me - we had the same traditional views and you don’t see a lot of men like that these days.

He's 18 !! a young adult. Grow up

Presumably if your parent or sibling or best friend had a partner who treated then poorly you'd totally ignore cos 'they're an adult'

People who care about their friends and family talk to them when they see someone not treating them respectfully. But not you apparently.

I wouldn’t mind him paying for everything, but he barely earns anything so most is from savings (from birthdays and Christmas’s) or topped up by us. His girlfriend earns a lot more.

Right, but that’s his choice to make. His money, whether earnt or given, is to be spent how he wants.

Well there's choices freely and willingly made, then there's choices where one person is effectively coerced into a certain choice. You could argue that a woman paying all the child costs out of her low salary leaving her no money, while her dp contributes nothing and has oodles of spare cash a choice she has made. But realistically it's not is it.

Not that I'm suggesting he's being financially or emotionally abused, but both boys and girls should be in relationships that are mutually respectful and equitable - and it doesn't seem as if he is. So OP should chat to him about it - maybe try and tease out how he feels about paying for everything and having the piss taken by her, and why being in a poor relationship is better than not being in a relationship.

It's healthy to chat to teens about relationships you know!

Can you give some examples of the teasing? i completely don’t mind being teased/taken the mick out of & I’m not easily offended & do it back. Could it be she’s doing it in a jokey way?

The paying for everything (& the teasing him) unfortunately he has to learn how to deal with himself at 18 & you just have to be there to support him if it goes to pieces.

Banter is one of the worst things about british culture, it's awful.

I think all you can realistically do is talk to him very neutrally about healthy relationships and hope to high heaven that as he is only 18 this relationship won't last long. There aren't many people who go on to marry who they date at 18 so fear not!!

Don't worry about the responses. On Mumsnet if he were 18 and you'd posted that he was engaged to a 50yr old with 10 kids by 4 different fathers who he financially supports as she doesn't work and often hits him over the head the main responses would be "He's a man! Stay out of it!!" Yanbu, not even a little bit. I hope he comes to his senses and he absolutely shouldn't be paying her way through life at 18.

I would talk to him, say you have noticed he looks a little uncomfortable. Start up tyre conversation without targeting her at all. Talk about the behaviour not the person.

Just because he is 18, which is still very young does not mean you don’t share your thoughts or observations any longer. I will talk to my ex about everything even when they are old and grey. It’s the relationship between you - and the trust.

I would probably start out by saying something nice and then drop it in gently. He does need to know good relationships are not unequal and based on jokes at his expense.

My dd is the same age and we talk very openly and don’t have any no go areas.

*dc not ex

I'm a mum to an 18 year old daughter so I know that although an adult, they still very much need guidance at this age.
I would absolutely help your son realise that being belittled and used is not acceptable.
I would absolutely do the same if it were my daughter.
I would take him to one side and remind him what is acceptable in terms of a healthy relationship, this doesn't sound like it is.

18 is a child.
No matter their age you should always talk with your children / help them / be curious about what they are going through.
This is called having a relationship.

I am glad I'm not your child.

18 is an adult.

18 is a young adult

Banter is only banter if it goes both ways. If its only going one way its more like bullying

Well, you sound like a lovely, caring and supportive parent

If this was a female who was being treated like this by a male there would be uproar.
OP it sounds as if shes humiliating him and throwing the old "oh its a joke" line in to cover her nasty sense of humour. Thats abusive especially if she can clearly see he doesn't find it funny.
Sit your son down and have a chat with him as to how he shouldn't allow anyone to treat him badly.
Yed hes an adult but exactly as a pp said hes very young and some guidance wouldn't do any harm

I see the "18 is a mature and responsible adult who knows how to handle relationships" mumsnetters have posted on here.

When I was 18 I was glad to have my mum's support when things weren't looking rosy.

OP made the mistake of putting gender in would of got completely different answers if she would of said oldest child and partner

After reading your last two posts OP, it does sound like this girl is taking the piss out of your son somewhat. How is your DS’s self esteem? Is this his first girlfriend? I ask because I wonder if he lets her treat him badly because he’s afraid she will dump him and he won’t get anyone better.

Depends if its just piss taking or something more worrying - a display of contempt etc.

Was about to type the exact same thing but you beat me to it.

Classic MN response for a son. If this was a daughter the OP wouldn’t be called a MIL from hell

OP it sounds like you have a good relationship with your son and I hope that in time he comes to realise that he doesn’t have to put up with any sort of “banter”

I have just caught up with the OP's updates, and I agree that this girl doesn't sound very nice. Given that the OP's DD is also showing concern I don't think this is just banter, especially as it is just one way.

So, the mumsnetters who have been rude and unsupportive can just bog off.