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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about how DS’s girlfriend treats him

100 replies

Redlorryorangelorry · 10/01/2023 17:32

DS is 18 and been with his girlfriend about a year. He’s a very laid back person and too nice for his own good. He runs around a lot after his girlfriend, picking her up, driving her to places and most of the time he’s the one who pays for things when they go out (we’ve told him this isn’t on to no avail). Past few months we’ve been noticing more and more that his girlfriend makes fun of him. She’ll say something derogatory about his driving, what he’s eating etc. I’m well aware that I can’t interfere in their relationship but I have asked him about this and he says she’s just joking. His sister has just told me she’s been making fun of him a lot today on their way home from college. What should I do in this situation? I don’t want to push DS away.

OP posts:
FlorenceAndTheVendingMachine · 10/01/2023 19:17

"18 is a mature and responsible adult who knows how to handle relationships"

The fuck it is.

For many blokes 18yo is drink too many shots and punch a wall.

titchy · 10/01/2023 19:17

@ClubhouseGift

Why does that matter? If you felt your sister's dp was treating her like crap would you ignore it because she's an adult? Or would you talk to her about because you care for her?

RampantIvy · 10/01/2023 19:21

Exactly @FlorenceAndTheVendingMachine

pilates · 10/01/2023 19:21

You sound lovely op and just being a concerned mum. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is much you can do or say. Sometimes when you are nice you get taken advantage of. I hope that is not the case with your son.

AmyDudley · 10/01/2023 19:44

18 is an adult.

weirdly when I was young (many years ago) 21 was the age at which you reached adulthood. You do realise it is just an arbitrary number decided by the powers that be at any given time ? I have known 10yr olds who are more mature than 25 year olds. Children/young people/ young adults whatever you choose to call them develop at different rates, they have different life experiences and different levels of maturity. I'd hazard a guess that OP knows her son's level of maturity better than you.
Also - I have children in their 30's - you never stop being concerned about your children, caring about them, caring about their lives and wanting the very best and the happiest circumstances for them. It doesn't mean you can interfere, but being concerned, wanting to help if you can - that never goes away.

OP - I think the best you can do to is let him know you are there for him if he needs to discuss anything, make sure he knows what his boundaries are (he may be fine with the teasing, but he may not) and go with the idea that this is his first (or at least one of his earliest) relationships. Chances are it will not last, but what it may do is help him form his boundaries about what is or isn't acceptable to him in a relationship. It a learning curve, support him where you can, don't criticise the GF directly, but I would suggest to him that he stop paying for everything - that isn't on.

ICanHideButICantRun · 10/01/2023 19:51

Some people on here must have terrible relationships, the way they have responded here.

OP, I would talk to him about having a girlfriend and what's so great about it, having someone who's really got your back, who thinks you're great, who'll always stand up for you when you're down. You can say that you've noticed his girlfriend doesn't do those things, that she actually says things that are hurtful. Tell him he deserves someone as lovely as himself. I hope he tells her to take a running jump.

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 10/01/2023 19:56

Suzi89 · 10/01/2023 17:38

I wish his girlfriend luck, you sound like the overbearing MIL from hell.

he’s the one who pays for things when they go out (we’ve told him this isn’t on to no avail).

How’s this any of your business? A lot of men don’t like going 50/50 and want to pay.

Past few months we’ve been noticing more and more that his girlfriend makes fun of him. She’ll say something derogatory about his driving, what he’s eating etc.

Oh the horror 😱 It’s called banter, those are hardly abusive personal insults.

Making derogatory comments about someone isn't banter. It's bullying

Suzi89 · 10/01/2023 21:21

Criticising your partners driving is BULLYING?!!! 🤦‍♀️ It definitely isn’t.

Tonty · 10/01/2023 21:38

Everything Titchy has said. Gosh, there are some horrible people on here. I have an 18yr old and he hasn't even had his 1st relationship yet, but according to some he should know all about relationships because he is an adult.

And talking about making fun of his driving, I've seen girls before making fun of their boyfriends driving, it's usually when they want him to doubt himself. A weird way of trying to let the guy know he is not very 'manly' or cool enough, a silly attempt at emasculating him.. This isn't someone saying, Please slow down!' it's picking at stupid things like - 'You handle the gear stick weird', 'why do you move your leg like that?, ''Your steering looks weird'. Just spite.

bitoffrostbitethere · 10/01/2023 21:52

Redlorryorangelorry · 10/01/2023 17:32

DS is 18 and been with his girlfriend about a year. He’s a very laid back person and too nice for his own good. He runs around a lot after his girlfriend, picking her up, driving her to places and most of the time he’s the one who pays for things when they go out (we’ve told him this isn’t on to no avail). Past few months we’ve been noticing more and more that his girlfriend makes fun of him. She’ll say something derogatory about his driving, what he’s eating etc. I’m well aware that I can’t interfere in their relationship but I have asked him about this and he says she’s just joking. His sister has just told me she’s been making fun of him a lot today on their way home from college. What should I do in this situation? I don’t want to push DS away.

Honestly, nothing. He's 18, he won't thank you, and he'll work out if there is a problem for himself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/01/2023 21:55

Suzi89 · 10/01/2023 21:21

Criticising your partners driving is BULLYING?!!! 🤦‍♀️ It definitely isn’t.

You might put up with it all, or, more likely, dish it out, but it doesn't mean that's what other people find normal.

RampantIvy · 10/01/2023 23:20

You must have a very low bar about relationships @Suzi89 if you think the way the GF treats the OP's son is OK. The OP says he goes quiet every time this girl makes a derogatory remark. That isn't banter. That is being unkind.

As for the "he is an adult" comments. Will those posters post this absolute gem of advice when a mumsnetter posts asking about how to deal with her abusive partner?

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 11/01/2023 07:28

Very well said. And very good to have pointed out the difference if this was a female being treated in this way

Jimboscott0115 · 11/01/2023 07:33

The paying for things I wouldn't be too concerned about as long it's his own money - he'll learn the hard way like most us young fools did.

However, simply pull her up on it if you think she says something mean. Nothing too bad but something like 'thats a bit harsh given you got a free lift' or similar. If he then tells you it's ok and not to say anything then back off and let him learn the hard way if it goes wrong.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 11/01/2023 07:37

My reply above was intended for @Bettysnow but glad to see that there are some kinder, more mature responses on here today for the lovely, caring OP.
Some responses... he's 18, let him get on with it, glad I'm not your child etc... are just horrible to read

gemloving · 11/01/2023 07:46

@Suzi89 you must be joking. An 18 year old isn't even a man to me yet. What a weird response and no OP, you're not MIL from hell. You're a wonderful caring mother.

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 11/01/2023 07:58

I’m 57 & will still welcome support & advice from my Mum!

Ladybug14 · 11/01/2023 07:58

I think that commenting gently and with love on someone's driving is fine

Criticising someone's driving most certainly IS bullying

It's also unkind and thoughtless

OP -- this girl sounds awful. I'm so sorry that your son and your family are having to put up with her bullshit

Ladybug14 · 11/01/2023 07:59

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 11/01/2023 07:58

I’m 57 & will still welcome support & advice from my Mum!

I'm a similar age and I'd give a lot to have Mum here to tell me off and put me straight! She died a few years ago.

piedbeauty · 11/01/2023 07:59

I'd be concerned too. The posters who say to mind your own business. This IS your business.

Talk to him. Say you have noticed how his gf speaks to him and you were shocked by it. Ask him how he feels, make sure he knows he can always talk to you, and tell him that he deserves respect and being spoken to nicely. Good luck.

Ladybug14 · 11/01/2023 08:05

piedbeauty · 11/01/2023 07:59

I'd be concerned too. The posters who say to mind your own business. This IS your business.

Talk to him. Say you have noticed how his gf speaks to him and you were shocked by it. Ask him how he feels, make sure he knows he can always talk to you, and tell him that he deserves respect and being spoken to nicely. Good luck.

Totally agree

Let him know how much he is loved and respected and how he doesn't have to accept being treated like crap

MissyB1 · 11/01/2023 08:12

follygirl · 10/01/2023 18:56

I'm a mum to an 18 year old daughter so I know that although an adult, they still very much need guidance at this age.
I would absolutely help your son realise that being belittled and used is not acceptable.
I would absolutely do the same if it were my daughter.
I would take him to one side and remind him what is acceptable in terms of a healthy relationship, this doesn't sound like it is.

This 👆

Mycatsgoldtooth · 11/01/2023 08:13

This could be my bil. Mil bites her tongue but it is hard to see him being taken advantage of. He’s always skint, his gf is rude to him and he just takes it. I think you are getting a hard time here op. If it was an 18 year old daughter being put down and expected to pay for everything the responses would be different.

Mintyt · 11/01/2023 08:28

I think the sister having a word is a good idea, I would also tell your son that he is worth more than being made fun off you can say I don't think it's very kind of her to make fun of your driving, or what your eating, banter can be bullying.

RampantIvy · 11/01/2023 08:37

I'm glad to see some more sensible posters have come along.

I think it is sad to see some posters think it is OK to throw the son to the wolves. Clearly, they don't see that being undermined all the time isn't great for anyone's self esteem. Maybe if more parents could give gentle advice to their DC about what an abusive relationship looks like there would be fewer posters posting on here asking about how to leave their abusive partner.

it has to start somewhere.

@follygirl has some excellent advice.