Worried about how DS’s girlfriend treats him

[Redlorryorangelorry]

DS is 18 and been with his girlfriend about a year. He’s a very laid back person and too nice for his own good. He runs around a lot after his girlfriend, picking her up, driving her to places and most of the time he’s the one who pays for things when they go out (we’ve told him this isn’t on to no avail). Past few months we’ve been noticing more and more that his girlfriend makes fun of him. She’ll say something derogatory about his driving, what he’s eating etc. I’m well aware that I can’t interfere in their relationship but I have asked him about this and he says she’s just joking. His sister has just told me she’s been making fun of him a lot today on their way home from college. What should I do in this situation? I don’t want to push DS away.

You aren’t her MIL, they are teenagers. He sounds lacking in confidence and she sounds immature. Build his confidence as much as you can. If you hear her make a nasty comment I would actually say ‘ I hope that was a joke because it didn’t sound very nice”. His sister having a word with him might help. It’s tricky because being critical of his girlfriend might push them closer. You don’t sound overbearing, just concerned for your son. It’s a tricky age, just adult but still very young.

I agree with this.
A friend's son you is a little younger has been experiencing very much the same from his girlfriend.
His mum gently raised the issue when they were in the car and he admitted he felt really awkward and sad about the over the top "teasing". They talked through why it was happening and what he could do.

He spoke to GF and it caused a row but they came through it and my friend's son seems much happier.

Young men need educating and support about dealing with unhealthy or abusive relationships every bit as much as young women do.

I would talk to him about healthy communication and if he feels that’s happening in his relationship. It doesn’t have to be about criticising his girlfriend directly, but opening up the conversation to find out his views about what a healthy relationship should look like.

It depends. If he does it back and she accepts this then it is banter not bullying.

Although I considered myself fairly sensible and mature as an 18 year old I had huge 'life experience' gaps in areas like the workplace and most definitely relationships. I was not the most confident and in hindsight was pretty much walked over in some of my early dating endeavors by similarly aged people whose own ideas of a healthy relationship were pretty non existent as well. My older sister did not like what she was seeing and tactfully had a word with me. When I started to finally say 'no' , 'call out' or gently push back on behaviors I did not find comfortable with my confidence grew and more importantly I begin to see that being single was preferable to being in a crap relationship.

The OP updated and said that he just goes quiet, and doesn't "banter" back. So this isn't OK at all.

I can understand your concern.

I think your daughter could be very helpful in speaking to him about her loving concern.

Perhaps some posters might have some book recommendations for teens about healthy relationships.

He goes quiet because he is upset and uncomfortable.

His gut may be telling him something is off.

The gift of fear by Gavin de Becker is a great book to help us listen and trust our gut.

Does he lack confidence?

Is he getting caught up in a sexist, bullshit 'men have to be stoical' narrative he's getting from somewhere? I think boys of that age can feel very deeply and be very sensitive people, but are also subject to some awful and restrictive cultural pressures around what is and isn't 'manly'. (In the same way that girls are, albeit different pressure points.)

And what do other relationships in his life look like? If he's not seeing healthy relationships modelled by older adults in his life he might be struggling to contextualise what healthy boundaries look like.

He might also just be really sad about it, and unsure of what to do. He probably doesn't have much relationship experience. He presumably has strong feelings for his girlfriend, maybe loves her. If he's experiencing behaviour from her that is hurting him (emotionally, psychologically or physically) this will be causing him confusion and upset.

It may be causing her confusion and upset too, as she may not be aware that she's doing it; or at least might not appreciate how wounding her approach is to him. She might be fully aware that she's hurting him, but can't work out why, or understand how to stop doing it. (Depending on how relationships have been modelled in her life.)

I think your response is horrible!

Firstly, you're not an overbearing MIL. Secondly yes he may be an adult but he's still your child.

Having older boys myself it is hard when they get girlfriends, and see how they are treated. There isn't a lot you can do about it other than be there for him, maybe the odd comment to her if you hear her say it, backing him up. You don't wait to create an issue, just subtly let her know you see/hear it and make sure he knows you're there if ever he needs to chat.

There are some real man haters here on MN. Yes, let him be treated like crap and taken advantage of, because 18 year old “adult men” have so much life experience and understanding of what a healthy relationship is. I don’t tell my son what to do, but if he were in this situation I would talk to him and help him get some perspective on the relationship. I can’t make him do something, and as an adult he has to make his own mistakes. However, I couldn't just ignore a situation where my child was miserable.

I'm inclined to agree with you @diamondpony80

Suzi89 How old are you and how old are your children? You sound as if you have a lot to learn.

Oh the horror 😱 It’s called banter, those are hardly abusive personal insults.“

Rubbish. You’d be happy with a young man directing those comments at your daughter?

You are not overbearing at all OP. You’re rightly concerned for who sounds like a kind young man. I would be too. First relationships rarely last, hopefully he’ll settle with someone who appreciates him in years to come.

I think you should simply give your opinion in a calm way. Do this only once, don't keep going on about it. He'll probably be defensive and dismissive but deep down I think he'll consider your advice seriously.
I remember once my mum gave her opinion on the way my ex was treating me. She is the sort of person who NEVER interferes or says anything negative. In this case she sat me down and told me she wanted to talk about it. For her to do this was extremely unusual so I knew it was serious! She gave her opinion on my then partner and of course I defended him and said "Oh he's not like that!" but internally I took her advice seriously. I really thought about what she'd said and I knew she was right. A few months later I ended the relationship with him. I wouldn't have done it if she hadn't had that chat with me.

The boy is 18. His mum (and anyone else close to him) are right to spot signs of abusive behaviour. The fact his sister has heard it and also thinks it's not quite right suggests there is something more to this.

Banter - a word used by unfunny people to mask the negative comments make to keep people in their place and make them feel shit about themselves.

If the genders were reversed and it was a daughter who was being made fun of, or who was paying for everything, doing all driving etc not a single person here would be making excuses for them or would be telling the OP she's in the wrong for being worried.

Some spiteful answers here. You’re right to be concerned, OP. She doesn’t sound very nice. Could you have a chat about respectful relationships? Don’t mention his GF, just do a general brief chat, raising a few things about mutual respect, etc.

I’d also get his sister to speak frankly to him. Maybe he simply doesn’t know how to react to the derogatory comments. She could give him some advice (you could prep her if necessary).

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like she’s that invested in this relationship anyway, or else she’s very immature and thoughtless. If you think she’s going to end things soon, your talk could also cover optimistic comments about when a relationship ends.

Have a look at something like this site.

youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics

It helps explain in a clear way what a healthy relationship looks like and may help you put into words what you mean if you speak to him about it x

Ah of course

18 years old and magically they are not at risk of financial or mental abuse or at mental health/ suicide risk.

just give them a little flick into the world and never discuss anything concerning with them ever again!

wise up!

Banter - a word used by unfunny people to mask the negative comments make to keep people in their place and make them feel shit about themselves.

That sums it up beautifully. Banter is always the excuse used by bullies, and excused by the hard of thinking and those lacking in empathy on this thread.

I think you've expressed your views and you need to leave it at that. What you described doesn't sound that bad and seems to be irritating you mostly and not him, it looks like you may be feeling a bit jealous. If he is happy in the relationship I don't think your interfering will be appropriated. You need to let him live his life you will have a better relationship with him if you stop telling him what to do.

Hi Op

I do think that if you talking about your daughter, responses a few of them would be different,
It's called being sexist ,equality work ways male /female

I think your gut feeling is spot on ,as he seems very uncomfortable going quiet ect with his girlfriends bantz,
Also your daughter has noticed too,
It could be a girlfriend is immature for her age too,
But that is not a good enough excuse,

I do feel that sometimes his girlfriend could go Dutch with paying for stuff, instead of your son paying for everything,

What you need to do Op, is encourage to have outside interests hobbies and still meet up with his good mates aspect of life too,

It's natural at such a young age his first love that his feelings/relantship will seem intense ,
Also I sense he has low confidence issues, why is that? Could be just his age, or something else ?
Look into that,see if he needs extra support with that too,
Encouraging him to have outside hobbies interest will help to gain confidence too

That is a massive projection @Alice786. The girlfriend doesn't sound very nice to me.

Sorry just caught up with the replies. DD had a word with DS about the way his girlfriend had been making fun of him. He told her she was joking. DD asked if he thought it was funny and he replied ‘kind of’ so she left it there. I take that to mean he didn’t think it was funny.

@mewkins i had a look at that website and it’s really useful. Will try to find a way of relaying the information to both DC.