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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DH over this (money/work related)?

83 replies

NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 16:33

My DH has had his own business for about 7 years now. The business does ok and makes him a wage but has never done anywhere near as well as it could have done. There are lots of things he could do to make the business better or to make a huge profit, but he can't be bothered. He would rather do his large range of hobbies or sit watching TV.

Which is all ok I guess. I suppose we work to live not the other way round. However, he has expensive tastes and spends a lot of money on his hobbies' equipment, is going on a lads' skiing holiday in March which will cost at least £1.5k, plus the cost of new ski wear, he regularly does a diet meal delivery service which costs £75 per week just for his food, etc. We also have recently accumulated some debt due to an error he made with something and it cost us a lot of money.

I work full time and am about to start a new job next week which is a lot more money than I have been earning currently.

However, DH has announced to me that the extra money that I earn can go off each month to pay off the debt. So again I'm going to be left with next to nothing for myself each month, whilst paying off debts and whilst he carries on spending and spending on whatever he wants.

AIBU to be pissed off with this and say he either needs to cut back on his spending or earn more money from his business or go and get a job instead? It annoys me that his business could have done so well but he makes bare minimum effort.

OP posts:

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/01/2023 16:35

Equal amounts to spend would solve this problem.

ConfusedNT · 10/01/2023 16:36

Why on earth is he going on a 1.5k holiday just for him (e.g. the holiday is not costing that for the whole family) whilst he has built up debt?

I mean I know why, because he's lazy and relying on you to find him, but that's appalling.

Ilikewinter · 10/01/2023 16:38

Ooh I wouldnt be happy with that OP. You dont mention any kids....assuming you dont have any I'd be keeping the money seperate other than paying house bills.

If you have kids then there needs to be a fair split of the 'available funds' so you both have money to spend.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 10/01/2023 16:38

You need to start 2023 with an expenses spreadsheet. Detailed and utterly pedantic. Show him what his 50% of the household expenses are.

I run my own business and DH and I agreed what I would have to cover for it to be acceptable to family finances. your DH seems to have forgotten a few things, like his daily living expenses, home and hearth etc.

Babsexxx · 10/01/2023 16:41

No I’d be furious and say that your contribution to the house pot isn’t changing and if he can afford these expensive hobbies he can afford to pay the debt off HE accumulated! Prick!

Itloggedmeoutagain · 10/01/2023 16:42

He's sponging off you
Agree with the spreadsheet
Spell it out how much it all costs
What about your holiday??

Bestcatmum · 10/01/2023 16:42

I'm sorry but that is not acceptable. If the debt is his fault then he needs to pay it off. I let my husband get away with this kinf of behaviour and we were almost made bankrupt at one point so I had to divorce him to protect mine and my DS's assets.
He has to learn the value of money and if he runs up debt then HE is responsible for paying it off. What planet do these type of men come from.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/01/2023 16:43

So again I'm going to be left with next to nothing for myself each month, whilst paying off debts and whilst he carries on spending and spending on whatever he wants.

Er, why would you accept that? You want equal spending money (and leisure time) as a minimum. If the debts are for things he's spent, he pays them off out of his spending money and does without his hobbies, not him having his cake and eating it while you have no money and no hobbies.

How much does his business actually make him? He should be earning a decent amount more than he would in an employed job to account for the lack of employer pension contributions, sick pay etc.

Otherwise, what is the point of him? You'd probably be better off financially as a single parent due to not having to bankroll a manchild.

Daffyaboutdaffs · 10/01/2023 16:43

Just say no. Quite simple.

OhCobblers · 10/01/2023 16:43

You are unreasonable to only be "annoyed" I'd be bloody hopping and tell him so and he can shove his idea of you effectively paying for his expensive hobbies.

The diet food should be the first to go ! What bollocks!

Anoisagusaris · 10/01/2023 16:44

Just tell him no. Why are you letting him dictate to you when he is still spending freely?

Glo1988 · 10/01/2023 16:45

Spreadsheet, equal contribution to household bills and groceries, equal spends for extras like the diet subscription and holidays.

Recommend using Monzo or starling and using pots to separate funds out for each expense category and various saving pots like for joint holidays. Really helps you both see where money is going during the month.

We actually found managing our finances together a really bonding experience - doesn’t need to be a row or a negative thing.
Good luck putting your boundaries in place and the new job.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/01/2023 16:46

Well he needs to work his arse off like other people do to pay for holidays...

EndlessRain1 · 10/01/2023 16:46

Say no.

And work out a fair allocation of your joint expenses with him, proportionate to how much you earn. The debt not being included in that. This guy is not the type you should split finances with and he will never take responisbility if he knows you will bail him out.

mrsbitaly · 10/01/2023 16:47

Is the debt his? If it is then why are you going to be contributing to paying it off whilst he goes on a skiing holiday? If it's a joint debt then he needs to be making sacrifices himself.

southlondoner02 · 10/01/2023 16:47

This isn't ok. A lot of people on MN feel all money is family money but that only works when no one is taking the piss.

We have a joint account for bills and have worked it out proportionately so we each have equal disposable income after paying into the account. Disposable income is kept in our own accounts. Would something like this work for you?

CaffeineQueen · 10/01/2023 16:47

Sounds like you don't have 'one pot' and have have your own, separate money (which is fine if that works for you as a couple). If that is the case, all bills and shared debts have to be split 50/50 and whatever each of you have left over if your own to do with as you wish. If, after paying his half of everything, he can't afford his hobbies then he wither has to cut back on his spending or work more/harder to earn more in order to afford it.

MRSDoos · 10/01/2023 16:49

Just because your DH announced that the extra money you are earning can go off the debt, doesn’t mean you have to do this or accept this. Why should you work harder to pay off his mistakes whilst he is spending ££ on holidays, food etc.

I got myself in a little bit of debt years ago and I wouldn’t of expected DH to put his money in to pay that off. It sounds like you’re fed up with it, yet accepting it.

Like others said, fair spending might be a better option. He can pay off his debt

CeciliaMars · 10/01/2023 16:51

In our house, we give ourselves a certain amount of money each month to spend as we wish, going out or clothes, and everything else goes into a joint pot for bills and saving. He is being utterly unreasonable.
Also, depending on the error that led to the debt, I would say it's his responsibility to clear it using his spending money, but that would be a decision you'd need to take as a couple.

cosmiccosmos · 10/01/2023 16:54

How much is your ski-img holiday (or equivalent) costing?

Iloveacurry · 10/01/2023 16:54

Tell him to F off and that he needs to pay off his own debts! And make sure you save your extra salary in an account he has no access to.

ImBlueDab · 10/01/2023 17:04

My exdh was like this? Has an expensive hobby, got into debt doing it, coasted at work as he couldn't be arsed. I was the higher earner and looked after the finances, so ended up spending any available cash on his hobbies or paying his debt off.

I finally got to the end of my teather and put my foot down. All available cash for BOTH of us went to paying off debt. If he wanted to do his hobby/ski holiday etc, he had to find the additional money. He has choices, as your dh does. He sulked for ages, moaned and complained. We ended up separating after a year or two of this, but he never did any overtime or additional work to fund his hobby. It dawned on me that he expected me to fund his lifestyle, whilst me and the dc went without, when I looked at the relationship in detail, he was like this in most aspects, he came first, before the dc or myself and expected us to fit in with him and his wishes. It didn't last long after that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2023 17:15

He's happy to spend 2k (once clothes and spending money is factored in) skiing but you have to pay his stupidity debts?

Why have you ended up here?

Equal spending money in this house. I like holidays and DH like gadgets. But everyone gets the same. After debts and bills.

Goldbar · 10/01/2023 17:16

Whose name is the debt in? If it's in his, I'd just tell him that you're not increasing your contribution to the household pot and he'll have to cut his spending massively to pay it off.

How are your finances organised at the moment? Do you pay everything into a joint account and then he just spends what he likes? If so, a degree of separation might be in order.

Fragrantandfoolish · 10/01/2023 17:28

I don’t understand , how does he get to announce and you are so unsure you need to canvas opinion on telling him To,fuck off?

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