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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH over this (money/work related)?

83 replies

NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 16:33

My DH has had his own business for about 7 years now. The business does ok and makes him a wage but has never done anywhere near as well as it could have done. There are lots of things he could do to make the business better or to make a huge profit, but he can't be bothered. He would rather do his large range of hobbies or sit watching TV.

Which is all ok I guess. I suppose we work to live not the other way round. However, he has expensive tastes and spends a lot of money on his hobbies' equipment, is going on a lads' skiing holiday in March which will cost at least £1.5k, plus the cost of new ski wear, he regularly does a diet meal delivery service which costs £75 per week just for his food, etc. We also have recently accumulated some debt due to an error he made with something and it cost us a lot of money.

I work full time and am about to start a new job next week which is a lot more money than I have been earning currently.

However, DH has announced to me that the extra money that I earn can go off each month to pay off the debt. So again I'm going to be left with next to nothing for myself each month, whilst paying off debts and whilst he carries on spending and spending on whatever he wants.

AIBU to be pissed off with this and say he either needs to cut back on his spending or earn more money from his business or go and get a job instead? It annoys me that his business could have done so well but he makes bare minimum effort.

OP posts:
SeeYouNextTLol · 10/01/2023 18:03

This can’t be real. You being treated badly is an understatement.

AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 10/01/2023 18:03

Twat point is obvious.

Business money and home money should never mix. I am assuming the debt is from business. It will be covered by him. I would not tell dh to over my debt and vice versa. You don't spend home money on business.

It's HMRC isn't it

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 10/01/2023 18:03

Don’t be a walk over

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 18:04

Jesus, what a grabby, lazy cunt he is. How are some men this useless and totally lacking in decency and self-awareness?

Add precisely 50% of the bills to the joint account, refuse to subsidise his ludicrous spoilt-brat hobbies, refuse to pay off his debt, pool your extra money in a separate side account and tell him he’s better start working hard if he wants his life of luxury, the gravy train has derailed.

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 18:05

Oh and draw up a list of household jobs for allocate him 80% seeing as he hardly works.

SeeYouNextTLol · 10/01/2023 18:07

does he not feel guilty in the slightest?

HermioneKipper · 10/01/2023 18:09

I’m normally very pro pooling money and having equal spends but in this scenario it’s time to stop.

Hes taking the piss big time.

Keep your money in your own account and if he complains say you’re keeping it to start your own expensive hobby and you’ve booked a pricey girls holiday.

what a cheeky bastard

Louisa259 · 10/01/2023 18:09

My husband contributes proportionally more than me and therefore he can spend his available money on whatever he pleases which does include trips/holidays with friends etc if he were not contributing fairly. I would be pissed off. YANBU

Greensleevevssnotnose · 10/01/2023 18:12

You need a budget session. We do this every year when the new council tax bills come out. I don't believe in a high earner carrying someone else ( we don't have kids) so we each pay half of all household bills including food. We pay out of my account so he transfers in his share. We agree a budget for food, sometimes it's more like Christmas, sometime it's less like the last two weeks. We also reassesed with the energy charges. Although we are paying less each month as we are economising. What incentive is there for you to earn more if it's going in the joint pot? You might as well not work and let him pay everything.

Oblomov22 · 10/01/2023 18:14

What a leech.

JudgeRudy · 10/01/2023 18:16

I'm angry that you need to ask. Of course he's unreasonable and you are too if you just accept this. The new job and how hard he does or doesn't work is a bit of a red herring actually. The fact is he is selfishly taking family money just for himself whilst you're left with not much other than his debt. Channel your inner tiger and speak up!

Believ · 10/01/2023 18:19

The cocklodger would be told to fuck right off

Lampzade · 10/01/2023 18:21

Say ‘No I am not prepared to do that’

Oldfox · 10/01/2023 18:23

What part of fuck off does he not understand?

toocold54 · 10/01/2023 18:24

We currently pool all money into a joint account.

I don’t think this ever works, unless there is literally no spare money after bills.

You need to have a joint account in which you both pay a percentage of your wages into eg both 80% each which pays all of the bills and then have your own separate accounts for the remaining 20% which you are free to spend your money how you like.

Of course it wouldn’t work if one of you was a SAHP and some will argue that it’s not fair if one is a considerably higher earner than the other - but if they’re paying a percentage then they’ll actually be contributing much more too so it makes it fair.

RandomMess · 10/01/2023 18:24

You calculate what he spends over a year on his hobbies and expensive unnecessary tastes, divide by 12 and keep the equivalent back each month in your account and transfer the rest into the joint account.

He is absolutely taking the piss.

He has the same as you on his account each month but all his hobbies etc come from that.

EndlessRain1 · 10/01/2023 18:25

user1471548941 · 10/01/2023 17:45

You need to work your finances as follows:

  1. pool all money
  2. all household/child related bills paid
  3. debts paid
  4. allocated amount to joint savings (both agree amount)
  5. equally split remainder for “fun” money.

this is how we work it- I am the lower earner (not because of lack of effort- just younger in age, so less progression) but also the spender, whereas DH is a saver.

this method doesn’t penalise me for being the lower earning but it does also ensure that DH is not bank rolling my spendier habits. Trips with friends etc have to come out of the personal spends- stuff we do together comes out of joint funds. DH prefers to save his share of “fun” money but might make a larger purchase once or twice a year e.g. computer stuff, whereas I prefer to use my money for a meal with friends, getting my nails done, make up etc, that a saver may call “frittering”.

just because he doesn’t spend all his money, does NOT mean we put it back in a joint pot, unless we had an emergency- he can have personal savings etc- therefore our spending preferences are both catered for.

we have a fixed amount each month but discuss month on month if it should be amended e.g it’s currently lower because we have bought a house and need money for redecorating but if one of us gets a bonus from work we might up it for a month.

I would absolutely NOT be doing this. Your DH isn't contributing despite being able to. He had landed you in debt. He spends loads more than you do. He doesn't pull his weight. Why on EARTH would you subsidise that behaviour.

I agree with PP who said, kindly, that you are a doormat.

NoSquirrels · 10/01/2023 18:27

Why the fuck have you let him get away with ski holidays with the lads and expensive hobbies if it’s not coming directly from his money?

Split your finances. Do it this month. New year, new start.

Agree with him that you’re skint so he’d better get used to it.

Fuck me I hope you’re making out your own pension…

LumpyandBumps · 10/01/2023 18:27

NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 17:41

He is also currently always lecturing me that we are 'skint' and need to 'cut back'

Cancel his 2 trips and save £2k. Your DH will be SO pleased you are no longer skint. Well done!

NoSquirrels · 10/01/2023 18:29

The fact is he is selfishly taking family money just for himself

This is the issue.

Blanketpolicy · 10/01/2023 18:31

I am always on the side of joint finances in a marriage but it only works when you marry someone you are financially compatible with. You are your dh are not, therefore you need to work out another way that is fair and equal to both of you. That includes both of you working out together where you can "cut back".

I personally couldn't deal with being painted the killjoy for his expensive hobbies and habits while he is oblivious to grown up finances.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/01/2023 18:32

NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 17:41

He is also currently always lecturing me that we are 'skint' and need to 'cut back'

What do you say to that?!

’How about you start with cutting back your £1500 holiday-that can go towards paying back some debt’

StubbleAndSqueak · 10/01/2023 18:36

He is telling you what to do with your wages ?
Hello 1970s
Look him in the eye and tell him no , it's not going to happen
Write a list of things you would like to do and make that your focus

Itloggedmeoutagain · 10/01/2023 18:37

NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 17:36

Hi everyone, thank you for the replies.

To answer questions;

We have two kids, they are older secondary school age.

Yep, I feel there is a total inequality in domestic chores, spending and hobby/fun time between us.

We currently pool all money into a joint account.

I forgot to mention in my OP he is also off on a hobby weekend away next month which again will cost £500 plus

You need to put your foot down he's taking the piss.
Tell him we do not need to cut back, YOU need to cut back.
Book yourself a spa or something

TheCatterall · 10/01/2023 18:42

Come on @NotSummerYet he’s taking the absolute piss.

do a household budget of where your money is going and who’s providing what. Go over the last 3 months or so expenses/income or even all of last year and colour code non essentials. Like hobbies and holidays. See where the moneys going and where cut backs can be made.

put your foot down. His hobbies go or he earns more.

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