Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DH over this (money/work related)?

83 replies

NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 16:33

My DH has had his own business for about 7 years now. The business does ok and makes him a wage but has never done anywhere near as well as it could have done. There are lots of things he could do to make the business better or to make a huge profit, but he can't be bothered. He would rather do his large range of hobbies or sit watching TV.

Which is all ok I guess. I suppose we work to live not the other way round. However, he has expensive tastes and spends a lot of money on his hobbies' equipment, is going on a lads' skiing holiday in March which will cost at least £1.5k, plus the cost of new ski wear, he regularly does a diet meal delivery service which costs £75 per week just for his food, etc. We also have recently accumulated some debt due to an error he made with something and it cost us a lot of money.

I work full time and am about to start a new job next week which is a lot more money than I have been earning currently.

However, DH has announced to me that the extra money that I earn can go off each month to pay off the debt. So again I'm going to be left with next to nothing for myself each month, whilst paying off debts and whilst he carries on spending and spending on whatever he wants.

AIBU to be pissed off with this and say he either needs to cut back on his spending or earn more money from his business or go and get a job instead? It annoys me that his business could have done so well but he makes bare minimum effort.

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 10/01/2023 17:31

The debt is a red herring. The issue, if I'm understanding your post correctly, is that there isn't equality in spending power. And, you don't state this, but just a guess - there also isn't equality in time out/own time.

So, if we had joint debt, no matter whose "fault" it was that it was racked up, it would be joint and we would jointly work on getting it down. But that would mean we would BOTH need to make sacrifices. It wouldn't be a case of one of us swanning off on a ski holiday while the other one is bringing in coffee from home to save a few pounds every day.

Edinburghmusing · 10/01/2023 17:32

Why would it even cross your mind to do this?

gingerhamster · 10/01/2023 17:32

However, DH has announced to me that the extra money that I earn can go off each month to pay off the debt. So again I'm going to be left with next to nothing for myself each month, whilst paying off debts and whilst he carries on spending and spending on whatever he wants.

Tell him politely to pull his finger out of his arse, do some more work and pay off the debt he caused. No way should you have to use the extra money to pay this off.

Edinburghmusing · 10/01/2023 17:32

And you both work full time - but I would bet a lot of money on you doing all the domestic work including his laundry

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2023 17:35

He’s a cheeky sod. Don’t accept it. Don’t enable him anymore. Expect better.

Original poster
NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 17:36

Hi everyone, thank you for the replies.

To answer questions;

We have two kids, they are older secondary school age.

Yep, I feel there is a total inequality in domestic chores, spending and hobby/fun time between us.

We currently pool all money into a joint account.

I forgot to mention in my OP he is also off on a hobby weekend away next month which again will cost £500 plus

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/01/2023 17:40

get separate accounts and put your separate discretionary budget in their each month

Original poster
NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 17:41

He is also currently always lecturing me that we are 'skint' and need to 'cut back'

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2023 17:42

Stop pooling your money! Come on. Ranting might make you feel better for half an hour but you need to make proper changes, your DC are seeing you being taken for an absolute mug while dad either dosses or fucks off on jollies on your hard earned money.

He’s not going to change while he has no reason to is he.

Nannylovesshopping · 10/01/2023 17:43

Say no, he is taking the piss big time!

MiniCooperLover · 10/01/2023 17:44

And when he says that what do you say? Do you point out how much he spends? And surely you said something when he told you what would happen with your extra salary?

user1471548941 · 10/01/2023 17:45

You need to work your finances as follows:

  1. pool all money
  2. all household/child related bills paid
  3. debts paid
  4. allocated amount to joint savings (both agree amount)
  5. equally split remainder for “fun” money.

this is how we work it- I am the lower earner (not because of lack of effort- just younger in age, so less progression) but also the spender, whereas DH is a saver.

this method doesn’t penalise me for being the lower earning but it does also ensure that DH is not bank rolling my spendier habits. Trips with friends etc have to come out of the personal spends- stuff we do together comes out of joint funds. DH prefers to save his share of “fun” money but might make a larger purchase once or twice a year e.g. computer stuff, whereas I prefer to use my money for a meal with friends, getting my nails done, make up etc, that a saver may call “frittering”.

just because he doesn’t spend all his money, does NOT mean we put it back in a joint pot, unless we had an emergency- he can have personal savings etc- therefore our spending preferences are both catered for.

we have a fixed amount each month but discuss month on month if it should be amended e.g it’s currently lower because we have bought a house and need money for redecorating but if one of us gets a bonus from work we might up it for a month.

Qwayserdeyas · 10/01/2023 17:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CrotchetyQuaver · 10/01/2023 17:48

You need your own bank account and then transfer only what's needed to cover your share to the joint account. The rest is for you. Don't let the new job extra cash anywhere near him.
You must have the conversation with him about his excessive spending on hobbies/holidays. If the debt is down to him spending/mistakes then he should be responsible for paying it off. Stay strong!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2023 17:49

NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 17:41

He is also currently always lecturing me that we are 'skint' and need to 'cut back'

You see that he's an arsehole, right?

He's having the life of Riley while you keep everything running like the house elf.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 10/01/2023 17:50

southlondoner02 · 10/01/2023 16:47

This isn't ok. A lot of people on MN feel all money is family money but that only works when no one is taking the piss.

We have a joint account for bills and have worked it out proportionately so we each have equal disposable income after paying into the account. Disposable income is kept in our own accounts. Would something like this work for you?

This. I've never understood the obsession MN has with family money! DH and I have our own current and savings accounts, plus joint accounts for bills and savings. We pay proportionately towards all bills, pay equally into savings, and keep whatever we have left in our own accounts to spend or save however we like. If DH has debt, it's his to pay.
In your position, I'd be furious. He's taking the piss.

Annasgirl · 10/01/2023 17:50

user1471548941 · 10/01/2023 17:45

You need to work your finances as follows:

  1. pool all money
  2. all household/child related bills paid
  3. debts paid
  4. allocated amount to joint savings (both agree amount)
  5. equally split remainder for “fun” money.

this is how we work it- I am the lower earner (not because of lack of effort- just younger in age, so less progression) but also the spender, whereas DH is a saver.

this method doesn’t penalise me for being the lower earning but it does also ensure that DH is not bank rolling my spendier habits. Trips with friends etc have to come out of the personal spends- stuff we do together comes out of joint funds. DH prefers to save his share of “fun” money but might make a larger purchase once or twice a year e.g. computer stuff, whereas I prefer to use my money for a meal with friends, getting my nails done, make up etc, that a saver may call “frittering”.

just because he doesn’t spend all his money, does NOT mean we put it back in a joint pot, unless we had an emergency- he can have personal savings etc- therefore our spending preferences are both catered for.

we have a fixed amount each month but discuss month on month if it should be amended e.g it’s currently lower because we have bought a house and need money for redecorating but if one of us gets a bonus from work we might up it for a month.

OP

do not do this. This works when one person earns less due to taking care of DC or having a lower paid career. It does not work out fair when one person works harder, does all of the ‘wife work’ around kids and house etc while their ‘partner’ runs up stupid debt in his business.

theremustonlybeone · 10/01/2023 17:53

Have you not outlined to your supposed DH what you have articulated on this thread? Why is it ok for him to spend what he wants but you have to cut back? Its verging on financial abuse. Given his attitude I would separate the accounts and only have a joint account for shared bills.

RNLD1981 · 10/01/2023 17:59

What is the debt for and how much?

CloudPop · 10/01/2023 17:59

How can you live like this

Apairofsparklingeyes · 10/01/2023 18:00

It sounds like you’d be better off with separate bank accounts and thinking about a divorce. What positivity does he bring to your life?

WoofWoofWoofMudToys · 10/01/2023 18:01

NotSummerYet · 10/01/2023 17:41

He is also currently always lecturing me that we are 'skint' and need to 'cut back'

Why are you putting up with this?

I can't imagine he's any less selfish in any other area if your lives!?

im usually all for pooling family money, but not in this case.

First of all you need to have a PROPER think about IF you want to stay married to him. You don't have to & there's no point in 'staying for the kids'. There are plenty of posters on here who will tell you that they wish their parents had separated & say they'd have been much happier with their parents separated & having less materially.

IF IF IF you're daft enough to going to stay with him you need to sort things out. Many many ways to do it, but if it was me, I'd make a list of shared expenses

mortgage
council tax
electrucity/gas/oil
insurance etc

plus an agreed amount for

supermarket shopping
AGREED takeaways for the FAMILY
school expenses
kids clothes/shoes/miscellaneous school stuff
kids activities

pay your own

special food
car
fuel
other car expenses
clothes
shoes
HOLIDAYS

the debt depends on how it was acrued.

the 'mistake' depends on whether it's something that could have been avoided by using one's brain or if it was something that was a genuine easily made by anyone mistake.

split the shared expenses 50/50 put that amount into the joint amount & it's ONLY used for those expenses, set up DD. Where possible. Anything out of the norm, discuss.

he does not get to have holidays AND tell you you're too skint for anything you need/want.

just put an end to funding him.
he can choose to be a lazy bastard with his business, but not at YOUR expense.

TheFlis12345 · 10/01/2023 18:01

How did the debt occur? Was it something accidental (e.g. trying to fix a leaky tap and broke the whole sink) or just downright stupidity (e.g. using something expensive from a dodgy website or messing around and smashed the TV).

Paq · 10/01/2023 18:02

You are being financially abused.

HandsOffMyCarrierBags · 10/01/2023 18:03

There’s book way I would accept this. Sit down together and work out how much he spends, how much you spend, how much free time you both have and how many household tasks you each do. Spell it out that you are very unhappy with the situation and need immediate changes, detailing what exactly