Baptism invites party and service

[Babybabal]

My daughter is being baptised after a really early birth and very lengthy hospital stay. Dp and I want it to be our close family and a few of our friends at the church, mil wanted an invited to all her extended family too and can't understand why they aren't invited. Instead of a meal with close family after I agreed for her to book a function so her friends and extended family could join the celebration after the service. Now the date is getting closer she's saying her family is our family and they should all be invited to the service and is causing so much stress.
Is it unreasonable to have a christening service with close family (aunties uncles grandparents a few cousins and a great grandparents and the obvious godparents with some of our close friends) no more than 20 people, then extend the invite to others for a buffet afterwards. It's a private service and we wanted to keep it small and personal with the people important in our dd life?

If it's a church service then can't anyone attend? If they're in the parish I think YABU to try to stop them attending what's normally an open service with all regular parishioners welcome. I had people I'd never even met at my child's Christening, because they were of the parish and free to attend if they wished. You get to dictate who comes to the bit you're organising/paying for (the party/reception), obviously.

I think YABU. You want to invite them to a party to celebrate a baptism that they're not invited to.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, but it's just our daughter being Christianed on that day so no usual church goers present. It was more about the invites close family get the time of the service others get the time the bit after starts. I just don't see the need for all these people who are in some way insignificant to my dd to be there for the service

Yes but I'm not sure whether it matters that it's only your daughter being Christened. When a church wedding takes place it's usually only one couple getting married, but they're still not entitled to stop parishioners attending.

I think if it's the more the merrier at the party, then definitely the more the merrier at the church Christening. That's the important bit! I don't really see what the difference is if they're there or not in the church, not like they're going to get drunk or make noise. I would think it's lovely that they want to come to that bit. I'm not sure why you're making a fuss. I do understand that you wanted it small but now it's a big party anyway I just don't see the difference in having a 'quiet ' church bit. Churches are quiet anyway.

What numbers are you talking about? How many extra would be in the church?

I agree with your mother in law, I really don’t understand why you don’t want them there (also you can’t actually stop them from coming). Seems really mean. You’re lucky that you have lots of family who want to share such a special and meaningful occasion, it seems like you’re saying no for the sake of it to make a point to your mother in law to be honest.

A baptism I think, like a wedding in a church is a public ceremony. If your mil invites them to come I don't think you can do anything.
Afterwards is your own affair.

Both my children are christened. One just before covid, one during 2021.

My mother is a church elder, the church is important to both our families.

It was still explained to us that a christening is the welcoming of a child into the church and community and thus takes part of a usual church service with nobody to be excluded.

This meant for dd2, we had to assume that 40 regular church attenders may attend, and so we restricted who we asked to 10, to comply with covid restrictions.

It is a public community service.

One of the main points in a christening is that the congregation welcomes the baby into the christian family/ congregation. It's nice to have lots of people sharing it. Why not just let them come? It would certainly put my nose out of joint if I wasn't deemed important enough to attend the ceremony.

You can't control the church or who goes in it

I agree.

Sorry but I think it's open to anyone I think that's how it works. What's the big deal?

Yes, this. Sorry you have had such a time of it OP, it must have been incredibly worrying but this is what baptisms are. Hope you can enjoy it

A church service is public, even if your dd is the only one being baptised. There will be a few people from the church there usually, we have people who attend baptisms to welcome you into the church family (and they present a gift) baptism is all about making promises to god, not a party or secular right of passage. If your mil wants to invite them to witness I can't see the problem

Ours generally are during the Sunday service too, it's very much a church family affair

Don't think I've ever heard of one where people are only invited to the party. People do this at weddings to keep the cost down on a day meal etc, but this is not the case for a baptism.....not sure why you'd want to exclude people from that but only come to the party. It's not like a wedding

I am a regular at church, and l can assure you that funerals, weddings and funerals are open to rhe public.

I was brought up Catholic so if you are C of E or another denomination I am not sure this applies, but my understanding is also that the baptism welcomes the child into the Christian community. As such, any member of that community is welcome.

They are allowed to attend. They don't need an invite. It isn't a private service. The more people willing to help your child on their spiritual journey the better? Seems silly to invite them to the party but not the main service.

Yes if you are welcoming them into the family of christ you can't exclude that family

Confused by replies saying 'anyone from the congregation can go'...christenings are rarely held as part of the church services anymore, and are usually private events with invited attendees only, just like weddings.

I don't know why your MIL is thinking she can be dictating who comes, it's your event paid for by YOU (I assume) and for YOUR child.I certainly wouldn't have had anyone else deciding who came to our DDs christening.Do what you want and don't give her the satisfaction of thinking she can control your decisions or it will never end.

But surely it’s the exact opposite? The op isn’t paying for the baptism, where the family aren’t welcome. But she IS paying for a party afterwards, where they are.

It's really odd to invite them to the party to celebrate you dedicating your child to the Lord but not the actual service. Either invite them to none or both.

Unfortunately anyone can enter and attend a church service at any time, so you cannot prevent people from attending the baptism service.

At DD1's baptism we had about older members of the local village come along (uninvited) as SIL is the parish Vicar and had mentioned it was her niece's baptism.

I would honestly just let it go, it won't cost any more to have more people at the church and it's not worth the stress it will cause you