Baptism invites party and service

[Babybabal]

My daughter is being baptised after a really early birth and very lengthy hospital stay. Dp and I want it to be our close family and a few of our friends at the church, mil wanted an invited to all her extended family too and can't understand why they aren't invited. Instead of a meal with close family after I agreed for her to book a function so her friends and extended family could join the celebration after the service. Now the date is getting closer she's saying her family is our family and they should all be invited to the service and is causing so much stress.
Is it unreasonable to have a christening service with close family (aunties uncles grandparents a few cousins and a great grandparents and the obvious godparents with some of our close friends) no more than 20 people, then extend the invite to others for a buffet afterwards. It's a private service and we wanted to keep it small and personal with the people important in our dd life?

Do as you like, op, you're clearly going to anyway! Why bother asking AIBU if you're so sure you're not? 🥱🥱🥱

I really don't see the problem with the additional 20 people going to the service in the church. It's what the occasion is all about.

What difference does it make to you - it’s not a closed service, there may even be people attending church that you don’t know at all given it’s a public service.

Oh dear

OP, if you don't get the idea that your DC is being baptised at a public occasion that is open to everyone by now, then I don't think you'll ever grasp it.

You could have limited at any gathering afterwards, but you cannot prevent attendance by anyone at Church

Now your choice is whether let this eat you up, or if you find a way to embrace the community and family that you actually have

Your mil sounds like a monster. What else is she going to want control over?

Your mil sounds like a monster. What else is she going to want control over?

A monster??? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My nephew was christened during Covid and it was lovely, a very small christening. I liked it so I wanted a similar thing when we had our dc christened. Only people we know ourselves were invited and no, it wasn’t the huge event some of the family wanted and there was a bit of sulking, but I don’t regret it one bit.

Stand your ground! It helps later on when people want things you don’t want, they learn to accept they can’t boss you around.

YABU. just invite everyone. Your daughter clearly had a difficult start, what better way to celebrate that she's home now.

This
there is a “gap” for a non religious ceremony to welcome a new child with family and friends in European countries generally. Humanists will do one - but you’d have to know that. It is so hypocritical that so many people do a christening for their child and are not part of the congregation normally- what is the point? A christening is a purely religious service and is about making vows that the child will be bought up as part of a Christian community . If your not going to do that - don’t do a christening, even if you’re hedging your bets for the right school.

in many Christian denominations children don’t get baptised as such - a service is about intention of parents and congregation to raise the child with Christian values, but recognise the child is the only one, at a much later age, that can make the commitment to baptism. I want bought up like that - but tbh it sounds much more sensible

It does happen. Depends on type of church congregation. If it’s small, rural and elderly then probably no one will come that’s not invited as too much “ effort” logistically for the congregation.
if it is a family, or teaching led church, with a large active congregation then you will have randoms of that congregation turning up to specifically ensure that the normal congregation of that church are also making their commitments to support the parents and child. It is whole point of a christening-it’s not just about immediate family and friends of parents. It is about the whole community and committed Christian’s take that very seriously . This is why the vicar will announce the christening in church services prior to the event

churches and church services are for the benefit of the congregation. It is a public domain. Sure, you may find that in a separate service your guests are only ones, but how sad! I’d much prefer a church full of randoms celebrating with me in a way that is genuinely committed to the purpose of the event itself, than a cousin or auntie who can’t be arsed to support a child/parent in 2 years time, but it’s a chance for putting on a frock and some free refreshments and a chinwag.

A christening is welcoming a child into the community of Christ ( hence christening). It should be open to anyone. If you’re an observant and regular Christian I’d have thought you’d know this - unless you’re one of those Hatch Match Dispatch types of not-really-Christian but like the social event people.

I can see that you want an intimate celebration given your DC’s illness and so on, but a christening is open to anyone.

They are usually done for parishioners at the end of a normal Sunday service.

@SpongeBob2022 we had a load of random turn up to my grandads funeral mass, most of them tourists. It was nice tbh.

Op I get why you are annoyed because you are being steamrollered by your mil but I do t think you can invite some to the celebration after the baptism and not to the baptism.

Op said baptism, so presuming catholic. Usually done at the begging of the mass but you can also book a service for just your child or a group of children eg ones that have been through the course together.

Not inviting everyone to the party afterwards:

I would have understood where you're coming from. Finances, size of the establishment required by many people, stress of organising it etc. Could have ruffled feathers but I definitely would have understood.

Limiting the people that may attend the baptism:
Doesn't make sense to me at all, tbh. I genuinely don't understand it. Especially because they'll be invited to the party afterwards.

I agree! Why would a random parishioner go to a wedding/funeral/christening of a random person?
Why did you let MIL have a say at all if you wanted it small? You're far too nice.

I can’t believe the bashing the op is getting, the way I read it the op wanted a small intimate church event and meal afterwards, which she has confirmed in her update. The MIL is the one wanting to invite all and sundry making a far less intimate church event.

The church may be open to the parish but I have never been to a private christening where random people attend, all 3 of my DDs were baptised in church, 2 we attended the mass, the congregation left and our invited guests arrived the third she was baptised during Sunday mass so the congregation were present, but we knew this before hand as that was how this particular church did baptisms. We were asked how many would be attending so enough seats were reserved at the front of the church for our guests.

I also agree that in Ireland where the op is from the church event would be attended by family and the after party would be bigger, same with communions & confirmations. When my dd had her 1st communion in Ireland it was limited to immediate family only for the church ceremony.

OP your DH needs to tell his mother that it’s your child and you will only be having an intimate ceremony.

@OliveOyl321

I agree! Why would a random parishioner go to a wedding/funeral/christening of a random person?
Why did you let MIL have a say at all if you wanted it small? You're far too nice.

Regular church goers often enjoy attending weddings and baptisms as they are lovely occasions to celebrate within their church and parish. And they might attend a funeral to show respect to those who have passed.

People who regularly attend church services usually consider it an extension of their family and community

“Confused by replies saying 'anyone from the congregation can go'...christenings are rarely held as part of the church services anymore, and are usually private events with invited attendees only, just like weddings.”

Speaks someone with no experience of what happens in regular churches…🙄

Are you one of those people who just holds a christening just for the nice frock and the piss up afterwards then never steps into a church again @Mummyof287 ?

Anyone can attend a service conducted in a church. It's a public place of worship. You don't get to choose the congregation!

You can choose who come with you to celebrate afterwards though.