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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baptism invites party and service

94 replies

Babybabal · 10/01/2023 15:23

My daughter is being baptised after a really early birth and very lengthy hospital stay. Dp and I want it to be our close family and a few of our friends at the church, mil wanted an invited to all her extended family too and can't understand why they aren't invited. Instead of a meal with close family after I agreed for her to book a function so her friends and extended family could join the celebration after the service. Now the date is getting closer she's saying her family is our family and they should all be invited to the service and is causing so much stress.
Is it unreasonable to have a christening service with close family (aunties uncles grandparents a few cousins and a great grandparents and the obvious godparents with some of our close friends) no more than 20 people, then extend the invite to others for a buffet afterwards. It's a private service and we wanted to keep it small and personal with the people important in our dd life?

OP posts:

takealettermsjones · 10/01/2023 16:25

Mummyof287 · 10/01/2023 16:20

Confused by replies saying 'anyone from the congregation can go'...christenings are rarely held as part of the church services anymore, and are usually private events with invited attendees only, just like weddings.

I don't know why your MIL is thinking she can be dictating who comes, it's your event paid for by YOU (I assume) and for YOUR child.I certainly wouldn't have had anyone else deciding who came to our DDs christening.Do what you want and don't give her the satisfaction of thinking she can control your decisions or it will never end.

Show quote history

They're not private events, and nor are church weddings. I can't assume every denomination is the same but in mine the OP certainly wouldn't be paying for the service. You ask the pastor to Christen your child and the pastor, and deacons/clergy whoever else normally helps, arranges the service. You sending out invites to your family is just to inform them when and where, it's not an exclusive list.

MsSquiz · 10/01/2023 16:27

@Mummyof287 you do know that even during a wedding service in a church, the door cannot be locked so anyone could walk in and attend?

The church we got married at had a regular congregation of 8 people who welcomed us in when our banns were being read and we attended services on the run up to the wedding. They all attended our wedding on the day, without having been invited

MedComms · 10/01/2023 16:28

I would find it incredibly weird to receive an invite to the party afterwards but not the baptism itself - I expect this will confuse people! Never heard of anyone doing it this way before.

pizzaHeart · 10/01/2023 16:28

I also think that MIL has a point about inviting her side of the family as much as she likes. It’s her grandchild and she wants people to welcome her. She doesn’t want anything from you, yours part will be the same regardless 10 or 50 people are present.

ApplePippa · 10/01/2023 16:29

Mummyof287 · 10/01/2023 16:20

Show quote history

Baptisms are very often held as part of a church service - a very regular event at my church and every church I've ever belonged to. The whole point of a baptism is to welcome the person into the church family!

Also, in the Anglican church at least, there are no fees for a baptism. This is not an "event paid for by" the OP.

daybroke · 10/01/2023 16:29

You don't pay for christenings in my church beyond a small voluntary donation. And anyone can definitely attend.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/01/2023 16:30

I dont get the issue personally. An occasion like this doesnt become less special because there are more people.

pizzaHeart · 10/01/2023 16:31

You should hint to the people that the service is optional - some of them may rejoice over this additional info

TheDuck2018 · 10/01/2023 16:32

Yabu, and coming across as very petty. Christenings are traditionally family events, you're welcoming the child into the family....you're causing problems where there aren't any.

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 10/01/2023 16:33

Baptism is about welcoming a child (or adult!) into a church community and into a faith/ belief in God
The congregation promise to help the godparents on their undertaking to provide spiritual guidance to and prayer for the child until they are old enough to decide for themselves whether to confirm their beliefs or not (Confirmation). As such we usually hold baptisms in our main services. The child sgould go on to bebpartnof oir church community. We only hold stand alone baptisms when the family invite so many people we couldn't fit them in with our congregation!
I think a lot of families ask for a baptism when really what they want is a private thanksgiving service for the safe arrival of their child.
Baptisms are public events. If MIL family/ friends are church goers they arguably should be there!!

MakeMineALarge1 · 10/01/2023 16:34

Do you intend to go to church afterwards? If not, what is the point?

hoppityscotch · 10/01/2023 16:35

Why is it you don't want them there?

MakeMineALarge1 · 10/01/2023 16:36

I think you're really out of order OP

londonrach · 10/01/2023 16:38

Yabu. Anyone can attend a wedding or baptism if held in a church. Op you no control on that. In your case it's a service to welcome a child into the church and you will get people who attend the church come. They know it's a baptism on and when. Your mil in right here

Boringcookingquestion · 10/01/2023 16:38

I don’t think you can actually stop people attending a baptism (obviously it’s weird to turn up uninvited despite this!). You can control who celebrates with you after though. Have you already invited extended family? If not, tell your mil that it’s not her event and she’s welcome not to come if she’s that unhappy with the guest list.

RampantIvy · 10/01/2023 16:41

Is it unreasonable to have a christening service with close family (aunties uncles grandparents a few cousins and a great grandparents and the obvious godparents with some of our close friends) no more than 20 people, then extend the invite to others for a buffet afterwards.

Yes.
Others have already posted what I would have said. Please don't dig your heels in over this. It will just sour relations between you and your MIL.

DPotter · 10/01/2023 16:42

I get your reasoning babybabal - you wanted a small intimate occasion. Absolutely fair enough. However in agreeing reluctantly to invite the whole tribe, you have left yourself open to criticism which is a shame as you're trying to be respectful of your MIL wishes.

As others have said - there's not much you can do to stop people attending the actual Christening. So you have couple of options -
a) suck it up and remember for subsequent babies - stand firm on your choices and don't try to suit everyone. It doesn't work.
b) cancel the party and revert to a meal for a smaller group. You still can't stop anyone attending the Christening but you can control the size of the crowd afterwards.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. Just remember in future - your baby - your decision and don't try to please everyone as you end up pleasing no one including yourself. I hope your MIL is contributing to the cost of catering for everyone as inviting the whole tribe as at her insistence....

DappledThings · 10/01/2023 16:42

christenings are rarely held as part of the church services anymore, and are usually private events with invited attendees only, just like weddings.
Some may be but it's far from the norm. I've never been to one that wasn't part of the usual Sunday morning service and at my old church we had one at least once a month.

I find your thinking a bit strange on this one OP. Baptism is about welcoming a child to the wider church community. Having it as a separate service is a bit odd anyway and then to deliberately exclude some people but ask them to come to the party later is even odder and rather sad.

RampantIvy · 10/01/2023 16:44

christenings are rarely held as part of the church services anymore, and are usually private events with invited attendees only, just like weddings.

In a C of E church christenings are part of the service. The vicar usually likes to put his/her feet up on a Sunday afternoon.

poetryandwine · 10/01/2023 16:44

@Mummyof287 I am confused by your references to payment. I have been searching on this and have yet to find a denomination that charges for performing baptisms, although some Catholic churches indicate that if affordable a small offering on the order of £50 is conventional. Indeed the idea of paying for a Sacrament is fairly repugnant. And I write as someone with a complicated view of religion

I agree with you that the parents not the grandparents should be in charge if the event. But historically baptisms are communal and inclusive. Jesus was not a snob

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/01/2023 16:46

It's weird to invite people to the party and not the service.

MakeMineALarge1 · 10/01/2023 16:47

So are members of your MIL family not important to your DD? Bloody hell OP much as I wasn't a fan of my husbands family, even I wouldn't have done this.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/01/2023 16:49

They may be insignificant to your child but they are significant to your MIL, who wants to celebrate with people important to her. It’s a public service inviting the child into the church family, but you don’t want members of the child’s extended family present at no cost to you? It sounds petty tbh.

PinkyFlamingo · 10/01/2023 16:50

This is clearly about your relationship with your MIL, as no-one would want to attend a buffet if they hadn't been ti tne service. That's mad, doesn't make sense.

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 10/01/2023 16:50

It's not very Christian to ban people from a church service.

You're being way too precious about this.

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