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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baptism invites party and service

94 replies

Babybabal · 10/01/2023 15:23

My daughter is being baptised after a really early birth and very lengthy hospital stay. Dp and I want it to be our close family and a few of our friends at the church, mil wanted an invited to all her extended family too and can't understand why they aren't invited. Instead of a meal with close family after I agreed for her to book a function so her friends and extended family could join the celebration after the service. Now the date is getting closer she's saying her family is our family and they should all be invited to the service and is causing so much stress.
Is it unreasonable to have a christening service with close family (aunties uncles grandparents a few cousins and a great grandparents and the obvious godparents with some of our close friends) no more than 20 people, then extend the invite to others for a buffet afterwards. It's a private service and we wanted to keep it small and personal with the people important in our dd life?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 10/01/2023 16:51

I would switch it round. They can come to the church if they wish as it's a public event, see if the church will allow you to reserve a row or 2 for your invited guests perhaps.

But then I'd ditch the big party and just have an intimate dinner of the family group. If MIL complains tell her you didn't want a big event but as she is still pushing you are doing what you wanted to do all along and can either choose to attend or not (but there will be no additions to the guest list!)

Maytodecember · 10/01/2023 16:51

I can understand you wanting a small gathering after all the stress of a prem birth, all the worry of NICU. You might have felt as if your lo was public property as there are so many staff involved, care can be necessarily intrusive , there are different doctors to see and so on. Whether you can have a small church gathering I don’t know, I’m not religious, think I might have been to a christening as a child, never been to one since. Maybe speak to the minister ?

I don’t think it’s weird to invite people to a party afterwards who weren’t at a church service.
Congratulations on your lo and I hope all goes well

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/01/2023 16:53

aunties uncles grandparents a few cousins and a great grandparents and the obvious godparents with some of our close friends

Who are you actually excluding given this list? I assume aunties, uncles, grandparents, cousins and great grandparents are invited from both your side of the family and your partners side of the family so surely most of the extended family have been invited?

Mooshroo · 10/01/2023 16:59

This is why I arranged ours at a small church 😆

SpongeBob2022 · 10/01/2023 17:09

I think people are being really harsh.

Yes a Church is open to the public but I do think it would be weird for a random member of the church community to turn up at a baptism that's been organised for a specific family at a specific time outside of a usual service. The suggestion that this happens in reality seems ludicrous to me.

I think as long as I was happy to cater for them all I personally would have just invited everyone.l from the start. But I can understand your preference for wanting a few people only. I also think that if I knew a family member wanted an intimate event I would have the decency to not just come along anyway to somewhere I'm not wanted, just because I could. I imagine you've had a really hard time and I don't know why people have to put their own selfish preferences first.

I do think it's weird to have people afterwards and not at the baptism (if anything it would be the other way around) but it's only ended up this way because of your MIL's meddling. I would probably just accept it now though.

VestaTilley · 10/01/2023 17:13

YABU, and missing the point about baptism I’m afraid. If you want to keep it small and intimate don’t do a big party afterwards.

Tutorwife · 10/01/2023 17:15

Congratulations on your daughter OP. I can see why after the stress of a long hospital stay you would want a quiet, personal christening. A lot more people came to my daughter's christening than I wanted (and all the extra expense and work of hosting fell on me, of course 🙄)

Unfortunately any church service is technically public - even a "private" one like wedding, christening, so I don't think you can stop them. In an ideal world your MIL would recognise you've all had a tough time recently and back off to let the parents call the shots (and maybe arrange a separate party for family at which they could meet her DGD - nothing wrong with her being excited!) In reality, that's probably not happening and you either need to put your foot down and have the smaller meal after, or suck it up and do the big christening and big party. If you do the second one though, and it's meaningful to you, can you do something else as a private moment for you and DH? Take DD to visit the church you married in or visit a cathedral service or something like that? It could be a lovely special extra memory

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/01/2023 17:34

RC here and we need to make an offering to the church, the priest and the sacristan in our parish. To the tune of about €50 each. Not sure is that normal. (Not that it makes a difference - it doesn't actually mean you're paying for anything as such, it's a donation) Ours is usually held after Sunday mass and there's 4 or 5 babies christened at the same time unless you want to arrange your own private one.

I can understand why you want to keep it small, but I think if you've already invited them to after you need to invite them to the ceremony. You'll know for next time. It will be a lovely occasion whether it's just you guys, it's part of a ceremony or it's shared with other babies.

Themind · 10/01/2023 18:00

My best friend is a self supporting vicar and anyone can attend the Baptism whether you like it or not. The vicar will not tell people to leave as its still classed as a sacarmental church service anyone can attend. You cannot ask them to leave either.
Obviously I wouldn't turn up to a Baptism uninvited especially if I wasn't a member of the church but they are perfectly entitled to rock up.
It's caused problems over the years with people who are celebrating and get upset when they realise the church is not exclusively theirs:)

AlwaysGoingBackwards · 10/01/2023 18:09

YABU and have entirely missed the true meaning of a christening if this is a problem for you.

A church is not just a cheap function venue.

Januarysux · 10/01/2023 18:11

I can see you had a picture in your head of how it would be OP and that is being changed, which is tough. I know I didn't really notice who else was in the church during my dc's baptisms! (But was during Sunday service so will have been quite a few). Good thing about the service with a young baby is that everyone can look but not touch!

Pearfacebanana · 10/01/2023 18:17

I disagree with the bashing you are getting here OP. I would feel exactly the same.
Your daughter, your event. Mother in law should back off. Is she going to pay for all these extra people to eat?
Depends what kind of church service you have booked - part of regular service or one just for you? I know you may get some parishioners turn up regardless - but if you've booked just for you then only those who know about it will come!

HyggeTygge · 10/01/2023 18:25

Mother in law should back off. Is she going to pay for all these extra people to eat?

You've got it the wrong way round @Pearfacebanana

FancyFelix · 10/01/2023 18:29

Ihatepcos · 10/01/2023 15:31

I think YABU. You want to invite them to a party to celebrate a baptism that they're not invited to.

Well, no. She doesn't want to invite them at all, her MIL does

EL8888 · 10/01/2023 18:30

Your child = your rules. Does MIL always over step?

tillyrainbow · 10/01/2023 18:46

When my DC were baptised you are expected to make a donation as a sort of payment. Also it's not a public mass/service that advertised on the parish newsletter so nobody knows it would be taking place. I got the impression from OP she wanted a small, intimate gathering (which is what I had for DC2) and inviting people to the after party was to appease her MIL. It's OP's DC being baptised, she can do what she wants!

JudgeRudy · 10/01/2023 18:47

It does seem a bit odd to not want people there who are invested and want to specifically see your child welcomed into the church. As others have said, it's a public declaration. I couldcunderstand if you wanted a small private 'do' afterwards but to exclude people from the ceremony itself is odd...and probably not allowed.
What is your objection?

Original poster
Babybabal · 10/01/2023 19:13

I think this is my point. From the beginning I wanted it to be me and DPs families a few of our close friends and the godparents. About 20 people who we know very well. Afterwards those same people all having a meal together. The people mil is is inviting are for her benefit people I don't know but know of, who aren't regular churchgoers, including very extended family such as second cousins and her aunts (people who we never see). I might just change it back before invites go out and have small meal again. I hadn't realised it was strange for people not to be invited to the church. I'm originally from Ireland and often it's close family then lots of friends join for a party afterwards to 'wet the babies head'. It's all too much stress, I just wanted a small gathering with people who are actually part of our daughters life, none of these additional people will make any sort of difference to her spiritual journey. It was more the principle of what I wanted was just completely disregarded

OP posts:
Original poster
Babybabal · 10/01/2023 19:16

Also there is a small charge for the christening bur that's not the point and I understand people from the congregation may attend but I wasn't planning to specifically invite a bunch of strangers to my daughters day just to please my mil.

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 10/01/2023 19:17

If you haven't invited anyone yet then just get dh to say to MIL it's gotten too big and you're reverting to the original plan. Assuming she hasn't already started inviting people

Original poster
Babybabal · 10/01/2023 19:17

Hillarious · 10/01/2023 15:38

What numbers are you talking about? How many extra would be in the church?

It would take it from 20 of our close friends and family to over 40

OP posts:
HarryArry · 10/01/2023 19:20

Could you do it the other way around and not invite them for the meal or buffet afterwards? If it’s important for them to see the christening they will come even if there isn’t a party afterwards?

ZED55JAX0 · 10/01/2023 19:22

Definitely think the more the merrier and that it’s a bit odd to not have them at the service of they are going to be there for the after party!?

Original poster
Babybabal · 10/01/2023 19:24

AlwaysGoingBackwards · 10/01/2023 18:09

YABU and have entirely missed the true meaning of a christening if this is a problem for you.

A church is not just a cheap function venue.

I'm not using the church as function venue. The true meaning is for the people who mean something to her and our family ro be there. If members of the usual congregation attend that's fine, but you're missing my point. It qas always a small gathering until mil had a different opnion l. These other people aren't member of the church community or relevant to our daughter life, just the mil

OP posts:
Believ · 10/01/2023 20:32

But those people are still family, whether you see much of them or not. Christenings, weddings, celebrations, these are the times that family, friends and extended family come together, usually.

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