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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you continue to live in the same house while divorcing? Unable to cope

100 replies

Harvery · 10/01/2023 10:59

Please help with some strategies. I am finding it so incredibly difficult. Every instinct in me wants to hide when he comes in from work or escape every week end when he is at home. But I can't because the kids need a normal life.

For context, we have 3 children (7-12) and have been together 15 yrs, married 10. He is emotionally unavailable, stonewalls all the time, never talks or communicates, if I say anything to him he doesn't like he takes his frustration and anger out on the kids by being short or sarcastic with them. He ignores me for weeks on end. No physical relationship at all, not since conceiving youngest. I can't stand being around him, I feel constantly anxious and in a state of dread.

If anyone has been through this period of having to coexist while financial settlement is sorted out, how did you do it?

OP posts:
EndlessRain1 · 10/01/2023 11:05

It sounds awful. Can one of you move out?

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 11:09

Not really. He refuses and I work FT and do all the childcare/looking after the house.

I am trying grey rock but I physically freeze/bristle when he is near. If I am in a good mood, he seems to take that out on the kids by being a hostile presence and sulking.

If I am unhappy and depressed he steps up and is super dad. For a spell, but he gets short tempered and sarcastic and I have to intervene to stop him upsetting them.

OP posts:
Lavendersquare · 10/01/2023 11:11

I simply couldn't live in that environment, surely he can't just refuse to move out? Can you look at getting your own place with the children, or could he get a place of his own?

x2boys · 10/01/2023 11:13

My sister did this and for a year after the divorce due to.selling the house.,it wasn't easy ,they had a large house which helped and the kids older 16 and 18 .

Believ · 10/01/2023 11:15

If there's no way of moving into something temp away from him, is it possible to completely ignore him and act like he doesn't exist? Try to find a way of remembering his words and actions are not important to you anymore and this is only temporary putting up with his presence.

PositiveLife · 10/01/2023 11:18

EndlessRain1 · 10/01/2023 11:05

It sounds awful. Can one of you move out?

When I was in this situation, I was advised by my solicitor not to move out. It can affect the settlement as you're essentially showing that you can manage without anything from the house equity (e.g. Husband could have claimed that he wanted to keep house until kids are 18, then sell and I'd have none of the equity to buy my own place so would be trapped renting and with my name still on the mortgage).

That said, after 16 months I took the risk cos I was completely drained and needed to for my mental health.

SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 11:21

When is he moving out?

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 11:22

If we move out that’s a massive disruption for the kids and rent is astronomical around here. We couldn’t afford it, not even close.

DH has places he can go - his close family have spare bedrooms.

I feel like I’m having a depressive breakdown. Struggling to get through the days

OP posts:
Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 11:22

He refuses to move out

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 10/01/2023 11:26

I had a very similar situation, I understand how hard it is. We shared the same bedroom, he would walk around naked, it was absolutely awful.

Looking back I'm not sure how I got through. It was very bleak. In the long run it was the best thing to do. I am happy now and out of the other side. I send you strength and love.

Goingroundincirclesagain · 10/01/2023 11:26

We did it for a year and it was pretty awful, to be honest, there is no getting around that fact! What are your plans when the financials are all sorted? We arranged our time with the children in the house as though we were already living separately, so on the days they were with me I did everything, school run, dinners, baths, bedtime etc and then when it was his days with the children I either spent time in my room or went and stayed with friends. Is this kind of arrangement possible?

bluejelly · 10/01/2023 11:28

I think you need to prioritise your mental health over disruption for the kids. The kids will cope with change, they won't cope well if you have fallen apart. Sounds like you are the main parent in their lives anyway, so you need to 'put your oxygen mask on first before you put on theirs' - and don't feel guilty.
I don't know anyone who has maintained living with their ex long term when the relationship has broken down. Lots of people try it but it rarely lasts more than 6 months.

KateMcCallister · 10/01/2023 11:31

Op what will you do once you divorce? Are you buying him out? Or selling?

I only ask as I was in a very similar situation and I ended up leaving as it was destroying my mental health. I rented until the settlement came through (he bought me out). This was a long while ago and things are different now, could you get help with rent from UC?

EndlessRain1 · 10/01/2023 11:33

My sister did it for ages with her now ex, but they were on good terms and it still really affected her long term.

I think what helped was acting like there were seperated. So seperate rooms, and a rota for who was responisble for the children/ dinner/ drop offs. That meant the other parent could take themselves away those weekends/ days for some space. It also helped reduce conflict surrounding who did what.

I don't think you need to pretend everything in normal for your children. In fact it might be worse for them for you to do that as they will no doubt know things are NOT normal, and feel lied to.

ThisGirlNever · 10/01/2023 11:33

So you're 'grey rocking' him and he is 'grey rocking' you, but you don't like being 'grey rocked'?

If he has a right to live in the home, I don't think there's much you can do except monitor his behaviour with the kids.

Quitelikeit · 10/01/2023 11:38

Is the home for sale yet? Or are you waiting for a judge to decide what happens to it?

its sounds dreadful, try to keep out of his way as much as possible be polite and civil

Westfacing · 10/01/2023 11:43

It's 20 years ago now - he became verbally very abusive and I left to live with my sister before the sale went through. Much easier for me as my children were grown, one at university and the other had already left home due to now ex's behaviour.

I wish you well and hope you and your children get through this unscathed.

TiarasAndTeddies · 10/01/2023 11:47

My sister and her ex husband lived in the same house when they separated ( she wanted to separate )
He basically turned into a single bloke after a couple of weeks, refused to do anything in the house or any childcare etc.
He did his own cooking and laundry.
Paying his half of the bills was his only contribution.
They didn't really speak to each other because he would just ignore her
He would go out with his friends, weekends away etc, while she had no social life at all as he wouldn't have the kids.
The final straw came for her when he started bringing women back overnight.
She ended up moving back into my parents with the kids until she got a place sorted out.
It was a nightmare for her.

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 11:52

We haven’t agreed on anything yet. He does not want to divorce until the children have left home. Presumably because as I’ll no longer be the primary cared, the settlement will be better for him. Also because the current situation suits him. He only needs to worry about work - no responsibilities with buying food, laundry, childcare, house admin.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/01/2023 11:53

Can you concentrate on practical things? Do you have your own bedrooms? Can you put a tv in yours so you dont have to share the communal space? Is there anywhere else you or the kids could go in the days or after school to get out the house. Can you agree a plan of who uses kitchen or whatever at certain times? Basically treat him like a house mate and have separate contact times with the kids

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 11:55

We don’t have enough space for separate bedrooms but could put a sofa bed in living room.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 11:56

I just feel like a heavy cloud is over me when he is at home

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 10/01/2023 12:00

Stop cooking for him or doing his laundry as a start. Time he began looking after himself.

SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 12:01

Harvery · 10/01/2023 11:22

He refuses to move out

When you separated what did you both agree was the plan? Because functionally this sounds no different than if you just said nothing and carried on as you had been. What does he think will happen?

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:02

That will just make him angrier and he’ll make sure I’m punished for it at some point or his resentment and anger will come out in his interactions with the kids

OP posts: